It’s time for our Specials of the Week. We pray these marriage blogs will encourage you as you read some of their best posts from this week. Enjoy your weekend!

Encourage Your Spouse

• One Chair At A Time – I absolutely love this post. The story told is compelling and applies well to marriage. Make sure you read the comment at the end by the one who inspired this post.

Hot, Holy and Humorous

• When His Kiss Tastes Bad – some practical and humorous advice for those married to smokers, dippers and/or chewers or those who love onions, garlic and other smelly things.

Journey To Surrender

• Intimacy With God: The Ultimate Power Source

Marriage Gems

• Young, Perfect Love and New Marriage

Marriage Life

• Crawl Spaces – I love analogies and this one is so good and so helpful.

Marriage Missions International

• Til Death Do Us Part – An excellent post about keeping our vows.

One Flesh Marriage

• Defeating Delayed Desire – Wives, if you find yourself not wanting to have sex with your husband, there is help and hope for you. Kate offers sage advice to all wives here…a MUST read!

Stupendous Marriage Show

• Does Marriage Have a Mission? - a podcast that is as entertaining as it is helpful. Stu and Lisa are doing a great job through their ministry. Enjoy!

The Generous Husband

• Child Free By Choice ? – Paul has received over 70 comments on this post. What do you think?
• Childless By Choice Round Two – And the discussion continues.

The Generous Wife

• Sorting Our Sexual Truth and Error – a simple exercise to do to help wives identify exactly what they are struggling with in regards to sexual intimacy with their husband.

To Love, Honor And Vacuum

• Reach Out And Touch Someone – Technology is a great tool if we use it as we should. How do you stay connected with those you love?
• Supporting Friends’ Marriages – If you only have time to read one post, make it this one. We all need to learn how to encourage strong marriages with those to whom we relate.

Debi has been sharing all week her battle in mortifying pride in her life. If you haven’t read them yet, please take time to. Here are the links: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

Today we’re going to do a post in the way our good friends do–Brad and Kate from the One Flesh Marriage blog. We’re using the format of He Said, She Said. Why? Because it is an important exclamation point to the significant work God did in Debi’s heart during this extended season in our marriage.

First, you’ll hear from me and then, Debi will finish with her closing thoughts. We have prayed earnestly for all who will read this series, that God will move in the hearts of marriages to mortify pride in all its forms and to help couples grow deeper in humility.

He (Tom) said,

Today I want to share with you how the Lord used me in the process of helping her. I wish I could say I saw this sin clearly and had been praying for God to reveal it to her for years, but I didn’t.

I wish I could say I purposed to overlook this sin in an effort to love her as Christ loved the church, but honestly, I didn’t. Well, I did overlook the sin when I saw it, but my love for Debi isn’t based on what she does for me or how she does it, for that matter. My love for her is based on the way Christ has loved me and gave Himself for me. I have been forgiven so much in my life that it is easy to extend loving forgiveness to her when what she does seems to pale in comparison to my offenses towards God.

When Debi confessed to me her list my first thought was, “You really think that way?” And secondly, “I never noticed this attitude in you.” The first caused her to cringed a bit when I shared it with her, but it was obvious God was doing a deep work in her heart because she didn’t react. I did the only thing I knew to do–I held her tight reassuring her of my commitment and love for her.

I have always known it isn’t my job to change Debi; my job is to listen and try to understand. Only God working in her heart can bring attention to sins she and I are blind to. I don’t know if I was blind to her sin because my love exceeded anything she could say or do, or if I was blind because I wasn’t leading her as I should. Debi assures me it was the former.

At any rate, I’m grateful for the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in her life and in mine. We aren’t who we were 33 years ago by God’s grace. And we thank God He isn’t finished with us yet. We are in daily need of His grace to mold us into the person and couple He wants us to be. Our only duty is to obey Him in faith and trust.

She (Debi) said,

I have never once doubted Tom’s love for me. This truth was never more evident to me as when I was going through the wringer of God’s convicting love.

I was raised in a Christian home. I, for the most part, lived my life without rebellion or gross sins, typical of many from my growing up years. Unfortunately this paved the way for me to grow in pride and self-righteousness, rather than gratefulness to God for protecting me so many times and in so many ways. I used to think it was me being strong, arrogantly missing the work of the Lord in my heart.

When God brought Tom and me together, the thing that attracted me most to him, besides his love for the Lord, was his sincere love for me. He was an unselfish, grateful man willing to do whatever he could to make me happy. I knew then what a gift he was. I know now how much I needed this kind of love to help me see my sin.

I often think of how Tom could have reacted to my confession and what this would have done to my fragile heart. He never belittled me or made me feel ashamed for my sin. Shame has a way of tearing down relationships in a way nothing else can. I was tempted to feel ashamed, but Tom’s reassuring love and kind encouragements quickly diffused those thoughts. (If you are suffering from shame either for something that happened before you were married or after, we encourage you to get help. A post that will help you can be found here.)

So, as we finish this series, if you’re the one battling besetting pride and self-righteousness, let your spouse into the process. Trust them to be exactly what you need to be free from this suffocating grip.

If you are the spouse married to one who is confessing sin, remember these Scriptures and allow God to strengthen you by them:

Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends. – Proverbs 17:9 ESV

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.  - 1 Peter 3:7 ESV (emphasis mine)

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. - 1 Peter 3:1-2 ESV (emphasis mine)

How have you helped your spouse in their fight against sin? Are you more of a help or a hindrance? God can work in you both according to His purposes, all we must do is ask and obey.

Photo Credit: Lisa Pressman

This is part three of a three part series on mortifying pride in my heart. I pray it will help you and help me as I remember this significant season in my life.

Part 3

I want to share with you a journal entry.  I wrote this after Tom had corrected me about seeing an area of pride.  I had asked him to point pride out to me whenever he saw it.  After confessing how God was revealing pride to me to another couple to whom we’re accountable, he said that I shared it all in a very animated, colorful way.  It seemed to him that I was prideful about seeing my pride!  This is what I wrote:

How right Tom is in correcting me!  My focus wasn’t on God who forgives, but on ME who saw my sin!  I was and am still impressed that I am seeing it, and I want others to know, so that they will see how I am mortifying pride – all the while pridefully enjoying the attention.  I see my pride as dirty laundry, thinking if I wash it, it will be okay.  This is a lie!  There is no such thing as “clean pride,” for this is what crucified my Lord.  God showed me that the vine that grows rampantly in my Secret Garden could have been the crown of thorns that Christ wore.  My pride was there on the Cross-that day, mocking and crucifying the One I say I love.  How can I so casually speak of it?  Father, help me to hate it!  Right now I just don’t like it, but I have no idea what it means to hate this sin.  May I not volunteer to casually speak of it or to give it an audience.  May I be ashamed of it, confess it and run from it.  Show me, Lord how to please You in my mortification of sin, instead of pleasing my reputation.  Help!

Original art on display at the Louvre in Paris

Another example was after an extended season of serving a friend, I learned that she was going to be publicly sharing her testimony on a Sunday morning.  I was nervous because I didn’t know how I would handle her commending me in front of the entire church!  I took this matter to prayer, wanting to seek humility when God interrupted my thoughts with this question, “Why are you assuming she’ll even mention your name?” See how quickly my heart can be deceived?  I was once again brought low by the realization of my sin.  That Sunday, God in His mercy didn’t let her say a thing about me, which is what God wanted. If she had, I think this quote from Josh Harris would have been my experience:

“In place of true humility we learn certain words or phrases that we believe make us sound humble.  ‘Oh, really?  It was nothing’, or ‘Anyone could have done it.’ We cast our eyes down and shrug our shoulders or maybe even blush.  Of course, we don’t really mean it – inside we’re congratulating ourselves for how humble we look and feel.  We want the reputation but don’t know how to get to the reality.  Like children playing dress-up in their parents’ clothes, we’re only acting humble, none of it really fits us.”

Photo Credit: The Stir Bloggers

I’ll share another example.  Our church produced a Christmas production for many years called, The Bash.  I was on the Bash Team and had spent many months writing, directing and rehearsing with the cast of the finale.  When it finally came – it was a huge success!  The cast did a great job – and the audience was moved to tears mainly because the focus was on saying good-bye to those who would be leaving our church for a new church plant in January.

The following Wednesday was our home group meeting.  Tom became very sick and said he didn’t think he’d be able to make it.  I told him that I thought maybe I should go anyway, since we were fairly new to the group, and we wanted to show our support.  Tom told me I could do whatever I wanted.  So, I hopped in the car and was on my way – leaving my sick husband to fend for himself!

I got about two miles down the road when the Lord asked, “Why are you going to home group and leaving Tom at home?”  I thought the answer had already been determined.  Then, He answered His own question, “You are determined to go tonight only because you want to hear the people commend you on the Bash!”  Ugh!  So strong was this craving in me that I was willing to leave my sick husband.  Needless to say I turned around, went home and repented to Tom.

How did I know that this was God speaking to me?  Because I wouldn’t have had this thought on my own.  It was a small voice that nudged at my conscience.  I could have easily blown over it and justified my actions, but because I had been praying for God to show me this sin, He was allowing me to see what I had been blind to for years–the motives behind my actions.

Only God can Himself or through others, reveal to me the pride that grows in my sinful heart.  I am incapable of seeing it on my own.  And only God has made a way for me to change.  He knew before I ever took my first breath what a proud piece of work I would be, yet He still chose to lavish His grace on me.  He desires to walk with me daily helping me to change, one confession of pride at a time.  Why?  Why has He been so kind to me…to all of us?  The answer is simple, yet profound–because He loves us. What a Savior!   Because of Him,  we have hope!

Has there been a time in your life when God was pursuing your heart with such intensity? How did it effect your growth in godliness? How did it effect your love for the Savior? For your spouse? For others?

Yesterday I began sharing with you one of the most significant times of growth in my life. It effected my marriage in a powerful way, and my prayer is my testimony will help others who may struggle with similar besetting sins. If you didn’t read it, please take a moment or today’s post won’t make as much sense.

Part 2

Two weeks later my month was completed, and I attempted to record in my journal all that I had heard God speak to me over the past few weeks.  He asked me to make a list looking over my life of evidences of pride.  Some of them were things I had never told anyone, and there was a reason for that!  I would be embarrassed for anyone to know about those thoughts and temptations.  The Lord told me when I finished my list that he wanted me to share all of this with Tom.  My response: Ew!!!  I really don’t want to do that!  What would he think of me?  The Lord reminded me that I had been asking Him to help me mortify my pride.  Suddenly, I wasn’t so eager to do this, because I realized that mortifying pride also meant being mortified myself!  BUT at the same time God was changing my heart, and I knew now that this was an issue of obedience.  I couldn’t say “no” to confessing my pride to Tom and expect to move on with the Lord.  He wouldn’t allow it, because He loves me and is committed to completing the work He’s begun in me.

In my prideful heart I wanted to focus on the word “complete,” when God was focusing on the word “work.”  There was definitely a lot of work to be done in my heart.  The more I saw of my pride, the more I saw of my pride!!  That is not a redundant statement, but full of truth.

Here’s a short list of things I confessed to Tom:

• I have seen that I have a craving to receive recognition and to have a good reputation – for my glory – not God’s.
• I arrogantly believe that strangers notice me in a crowd.
• I love attention.
• I love being in control of my family, of projects, of my time–this list is endless!
• I often make myself the standard in judging others by what they do or don’t do.
• Even when I worship there are many times I’m more focused on how I look to others, rather than to God.
• I hate receiving correction, but I desire to look good to others. Although it may seem I have received someone’s input well, what’s going on in my heart is a stench to God.

How could I have lived so long and not seen all this?  “You have not because you do not ask!”  Wow, I had never really asked God to show me my pride and waited long enough for him to show me.  He was faithfully answering the prayers I had prayed.

Everywhere I looked I saw pride, and I’m not exaggerating.

Then, the Lord gave me this word picture:

I saw a secret garden that was overgrown with vines.  Underneath was a tiny plant that was being choked out by the vine.  I saw the gate open and others were invited in to help pull up the vines by their roots so that the little flower could begin to grow strong.

Photo Credit: Secret Garden by Eileen

This secret garden represented my heart.  I had secretly allowed prideful thoughts to grow, unchecked and unexposed.  The Lord opened the gate and bid me to invite others in to help me in pulling up the vines of pride; for they see things I would never see on my own.  And I can confess things that are in my heart that they would never see otherwise, another way to mortify the roots of pride.  Doing this will allow the little plant of humility to take root in my heart.

Photo Credit: Nino Barbieri (Wikimedia Commons)

The most important key for me is confessing my sin.  I have always heard the verse in 1 John 1 that says:

“8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

As I committed to confess my pride whenever I saw it, not only to God, but to those to whom I’m accountable, I had the assurance that God would forgive me of my sin, and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.  This gave me hope that I could make progress against this sin that had entangled my heart.  I was weak, but He was strong.  These are all truths found in God’s word that I know by heart, but suddenly they made much more sense.  I had fresh revelation that was giving me the grace I needed to say “No” to pride and pursue humility.

However, I had no idea that pride was rooted even deeper in my heart than I had seen. More about that tomorrow!

What sin/sins are you battling of which your spouse is unaware? Do you realize confession is a key component to forgiveness and freedom? What has kept you from inviting others into your secret garden?

]]> http://theromanticvineyard.com/2012/05/16/mortified-part-2/feed/ 11 debiwalter IMG_7109 secret-garden-door_5201 tiny plant http://theromanticvineyard.com/2012/05/15/mortified/ http://theromanticvineyard.com/2012/05/15/mortified/#comments Tue, 15 May 2012 09:00:49 +0000 Debi Walter http://theromanticvineyard.com/?p=7362 Continue reading →]]>

Tom gave me a new garden for Mother’s Day. Planting everything took a lot of back-breaking work, but the results are beautiful. It was worth every pain. I have learned things that are important are always worth what it costs us to accomplish.

As it is in nature so it is in our hearts.

I mentioned briefly last week about an extended season God took me through of mortifying sin in my own heart. It was quite the process, and I believe God is wanting me to share it with you in an effort to help me remember and to hopefully help you and your marriage grow as well.

I was privileged to share this testimony with a group of ladies a few years ago, so I will use what I wrote then to share with you over the next couple of days.

Part One

Now that my children are grown the last few years have been a season of looking back at what has been and of looking forward to what will be.  Looking back has sadly brought much regret for the things that I didn’t do that I should have done and regret for the things I did do that I shouldn’t have done.  I felt much shame for what seemed to me to be failures.  I was frequently feeling discouraged.  I know this doesn’t sound very encouraging, but let me remind you that God’s ways are not our ways.  God was at work softening my heart, and preparing me for a wonderful work of His Grace.

Then, the Lord led me to read a book called Humility, by Andrew Murray.  It isn’t a very big book, but it is one that must be read slowly to digest.  I have been a member of this church for years!  I have heard most of the messages on Pride and Humility!  I should be well on my way to being a humble person, and I might add, I thought I was.  I was greatly deceived.

At the end of the book the author presents a 30-day challenge for those who truly desire to mortify pride and grow in humility.  As I read this page I felt as if the Lord was challenging me to do this:

The challenge was basically to put aside all reading, projects, journaling, and to focus on only one thing – asking God daily to reveal evidences of pride and to give grace to not only see it, but to repent of it.  Andrew Murray said that if I would do this then at the end of the month, I would begin seeing change in this area.

This is sadly where my journey of mortifying pride began.  I say sadly because I have been a Christian since December 7, 1969, and can honestly say that I am just beginning to see this sin.

First, let me explain to you that the first two weeks into my 30-day sabbatical I felt nothing.   In my pride I truly thought that maybe I was more humble than I realized.  The opposite was true.  After two weeks of continually asking God to show me evidences of pride in my life, Tom and I had a conflict.  It was on a Sunday morning while we were up front praying for people.  Tom was kneeling down praying behind a man, and a couple came up to me for us to pray for them.  I leaned down and tapped Tom on the shoulder.  When he looked up I TOLD him to come pray for this couple.  He looked at me like he didn’t understand, so I said it again!  He “obeyed” and joined me to pray for this couple.  On the way home, he said that I put him in a very awkward position.  He was praying earnestly for this man in response to the Holy Spirit’s leading, that is until I interrupted what God was doing and insisted he join me!   I was feeling justified in my mind about what had happened, while Tom stopped to fuel up the car.  I was sitting alone when I clearly heard the Lord say, “ your reaction to this conflict and what you did this morning is a demonstration of pride in your heart!  You assumed you knew better than Tom what I wanted him to do! I want you to humble yourself and repent to Tom.”  I  began to cry because I didn’t want to be the proud person that I was showing myself to be.  When Tom got in the car, he didn’t know what was wrong!  When I repented specifically for my pride, for assuming I knew what God was telling him to do the conflict seemed to dissolve.  From that day on the Lord began whispering in my ear evidences of pride as they happened in my thoughts, actions and motives.  It was quite overwhelming.  How could I have been so blind!

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I ask you, how is God answering your prayers to grow in godliness? Are you seeing evidences of God’s hand at work in your own heart? How are you responding as He whispers to your conscience?