Suspicion is a helpful tool when you’re trying to solve a murder mystery–everyone is suspect. But when suspicion hits close to home it can actually cause great harm in a relationship.
We live in a culture of suspicion. Politicians are held suspect just because they want to run for public office. Celebrities are suspect because…well, they’re always guilty, right? Those who are charged with a high-profile crime are almost always considered guilty until proven otherwise. This is due in large part because of the publicity given the case.
What is suspicion anyway?
Merriam-Webster defines it:
a : the act or an instance of suspecting something wrong without proof or on slight evidence : mistrust
b: a state of mental uneasiness and uncertainty :doubt
In marriage to be suspicious of your spouse without cause or proof is a form of distrust. It is a cancer that will eat away at the health of your marriage. Like the media that runs with a story for its rating potential–whether or not it is true–we give audience to a similar voice when we listen to a suspicious voice in our heart about our spouse.
The Bible says we should take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. This includes thoughts that seek to charge our spouse with being guilty when we have no reason, except a “feeling” that they are guilty as charged.
No one likes to be charged.
No one likes to be judged.
Yet we often do this to our spouse without regard. Why? Why is it so easy to hold our spouse in suspicion when they’re supposed to be the ones we love the most?
I believe the answer is simple.
We have an enemy who is constantly whispering in our ear. The wise spouse realizes his voice and resists it as a falsehood. We must not give ear to such charges.
But what if there is something that is a valid reason to question our spouse? What do we do if something isn’t measuring up in the way we think it should. I believe there are 5 ways to help us avoid suspicion and discover the truth.
First, pray. Ask God to help you accurately discover the truth. After all it is the truth you need to know, not a suspicion.
Second, find a time to talk with your spouse about your concern. Make sure it is when you can both be attentive and when you’re not overly tired.
Third, never attach motive to your observations. Only God can discern the heart of a man/woman, and forming an opinion about why your spouse did something before you know the truth, is the same as charging them guilty before ever hearing their case. It is wrong. Don’t do it!
Fourth, believe the best of your spouse. Many arguments occur because we tend to think the worst about others. He did that because he doesn’t trust me to do it his way, or She said that about me because she loves herself and how she appears to others more than she does me.
Fifth, in order to believe the best about our spouse we must think the best about our spouse. It isn’t our job to hold them suspect–arresting them and hoping God gets them. No, it is our job to love them, pray for them, be their biggest advocate to the Father on their behalf. You’re on the same team, the same side of the courtroom. Even if your spouse has sinned against you and God, it is our job to love them back to righteousness, not condemn them to hell.
In what ways have you been suspicious of your spouse? Was it founded or just laziness of thought? Which of these steps will you embrace to change this way of thinking?
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The Romantic Vineyard 
The devil is a liar and a prowling lion, waiting to devour those who believe in his lies. But resist him and he shall flee from you
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Amen! Preach it!
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God works in amazing ways. I am struggling with this as I type. My husband used to be very jealous, I thought that over the past years he had matured some what in this area. I have never been unfaithful. I love him so much that I could never think to hurt him like that. I gave a co.worker who generally walks a ride home recently because it was storming. I came home and immediately told my husband I did this. I don’t want to keep any secrets from him. He didn’t say much about it then. But now he is in the funk again. I wasn’t going to make that poor kid walk home, and I don’t see the big deal about it. He is a teenager and I’m almost 30. It bothered my husband so badly that the next day I went to visit my brother, who I can only get a visit with one day a week for about 30 minutes, and my husband loaded up the kids and came up there, just to make sure I was where I said I was going to be. I don’t know how to make him understand that he can trust me!.
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We would suggest finding time when you can both sit down and go over our 5 keys together. It may help you get the conversation going at least. You may want to consider changing your e-mail address if you really don’t have any secrets.
We’ll pray for you that it goes well.
Blessings,
Tom and Debo
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Haha that’s not my real address, I don’t like sharing my personal problems with my girlfriends. I recommend this side to them frequently,and I think my husband and my own issues are between us, not something for me to gossip about with them. That’s why 🙂
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That makes perfect sense – and wise. You made us lol! Thanks for sharing!
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My biggest struggle is my husband has cyber cheated on me for the last 5 years. It will get better, but then falls apart. My suspicions are usually accurate. He is now seeking help and I don’t know how to stop being this way because of all the hurt it has caused. I love him very much and my greatest wish is for him to get better, but I don’t know how to let it go. Hopefully, these suggestions will offer me some guidance. I am going to print them off and read them every day for the next 2 weeks to see if it helps.
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Victoria,
I know how hard it is to trust your husband once it’s been broken. Yours is a natural and expected response. But it will help you greatly to remember we can never control our husband. That is the work of the Holy Spirit. I pray the next two weeks will prove to be more than you’ve even imagined.
It is a difficult place, but God will help you.
Thanks for letting us pray for you!
Blessings,
Debi
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Thank you.
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It is a privilege to pray with you for your marriage.
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My husband was addicted to pornography early in our marriage and anytime I confronted him with what seemed like evidence, not only would he say it’s not so he made me feel bad for even thinking that about him.He was a pastor and lost his job from this addiction. Even after that, after counseling, he had a texting relationship with another woman where he played the role of a single Dad..
He is currently in a men’s accountability group which he is devoted to. Yesterday there was some stuff on his phone that he swears the guys at work put on there for a joke.Given all the breaches in trust in our past, it makes me feel like a fool to believe him in this area.
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Marna,
You are in a different place than those we were addressing in this post. Your suspicion is just, and your husband should realize you have every right to expect an honest answer when you question something about his actions. This is part of the consequences of the broken trust in your marriage that he caused. We encourage you to talk with your husband and if you don’t receive the answers you’re looking for to seek help together. He may fool you temporarily, but he isn’t fooling God. The Bible promises that our sins will find us out, which is supposed to keep our hearts in check with a healthy fear of God.
The best advice we can give you is the first step from this post:
Pray. Ask God to help you accurately discover the truth. After all it is the truth you need to know, not a suspicion.
We will pray for you!
Tom and Debi
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Thank you for your answer.
M
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