We had a reader ask an excellent question last week, and we’ve decided to toss it out for you to offer your thoughts on the subject.
How does one learn to flirt with your spouse after 10 years of marriage?
For starters I’ll share what Tom said to me tonight.
“I love it when you flirt with me because flirting is fun, and you’re the only one with whom I can or want to flirt.”
I look at flirting as anything you say or do that makes your husband/wife smile at you in a way that makes you smile back. It’s usually personal and something no one else in the room knows is going on but you. Flirting takes stealth, which is why it’s so much fun.
Have you and your spouse always had a flirting relationship? If not, how did you begin? Was it a difficult transition? What did you to begin flirting at first?
Please take some time to think it over and offer your answers in the comments. Let’s encourage one another day after day as the Bible so clearly instructs. Then, let’s practice what we preach this weekend before Thanksgiving!
The Romantic Vineyard 
I always remember that if I am not flirting with my wife someone else will and she is the only one I want to experience flirting with for the rest of my life. 🙂
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Excellent point, Jeff. What is one way you flirt with her, to help answer the question?
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My sister-in-law, a pastor’s wife and mom of teenage boys, says she and her husband have discovered the joy of flirting via texting… It’s private, and has the spice of something new!
For Robert and me, our adult kids are living with us for a bit, so it’s back to the secret nods, stolen kisses as we pass in the hallway, and footsies under the table! 😉
(I’m looking forward to more suggestions from your readers, Debi & Tom!)
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As a husband who has neglected his wife in many ways for the whole 10++ years of his marriage, I am looking forward to learning how to flirt with her again. But everything is complicated by the lost trust and crumbled foundation of attraction, so it is a challenge that we need the rich gospel-grace of God for. I consider blogs like yours to be a small but important part of that grace! 🙂
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Recovering husband, You are spot on in saying “we need the rich gospel-grace of God.” It is only through His grace that we can love and flirt with our spouse in a unselfish way. We pray you will find the help you need to learn how to love your spouse in this way again, and that God will help her receive it.
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We have been married 25 years, have 11 kids and flirting is a natural part of our marriage. If there is a song on the radio that brings back memories he will grab me and dance around the kitchen which usually gets “comments” from the kids. He will also sing songs from our earlier years to me. Sexting is a great way to flirt. The kids are to the point if the see a text from dad come through on my phone they won’t even look at it. I try to whisper something naughty or goofy in in ear when others are around. We will bring up our short but sweet dating history or our weekend honeymoon. We will ask each other do you remember the first time we…? We try to get away for a night every few months, even a hotel just an hour away. I love to brush up against him, subtly, when I walk by. He will take charge of cleaning up with the kids after dinner and let me know he doesn’t want me to get “too tired”.
But what I think what it really boils down to is we just REALLY like each other. I love being around my husband.
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Jennifer-mom of 11, We love, love, love your ideas. There is nothing like spontaneous dancing in the kitchen to spark some fresh intimacy. In fact, all your ideas are fantastic. Thank you for listing them so others can try something new.
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I love what the last poster said about just really liking each other…my husband and I are like that too. We are best friends and have the best time with each other no matter what we are doing. And flirting? Oh my, yes! Every.single.day.
We love to have fun and be silly with each other, and many times we end up finishing each others sentence…to which I always jokingly reply, “hey, get out of my head” or he jokingly says, “am I in your head again?!” We just laugh!
Flirting is about having fun together. Whether washing dishes together, watching tv, or driving somewhere, we just have fun. And yes, sexting is especially fun. I love to send my husband a slightly naughty text during the day while he’s at work to let him know I’m thinking about what I hope we get around to doing that night or how fantastic the night before was, and by the time he gets home, we can hardly wait for dinner to be over. 😉
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Aimee,
Being best friends is to be desired for a healthy marriage, but it takes intentionality to get there. Your ideas are great! Thanks for sharing.
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Teasing is a big part of fun in our family. We do it with each other, kids, parents, etc. it’s lighthearted and in good fun. Somehow over the years we have found our own sayings that only each other mean hey I’m thinking of you. Or lets hang out tonight. What’s really fun is that we can say to one kid “hey go tell daddy….” which is perfectly innocent to them but has lots of meaning behind it! He then sends them back with a message…it’s very cute to watch and we have fun with our language 🙂
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Haha! We love involving the kids in sharing secret flirty messages. They have no idea, but how fun! What an example you’re offering your children of how fun marriage can be.
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Flirting is so much fun. It is a great way to make sure that neither of us is taking life too seriously. It also reminds me that he is hot for me, and vice-versa.
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Amen, work in progress. Glad you’re having f.u.n.
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Flirting is very fun!!! With our unique situation we have had to be a bit creative. I am positive texting was created by God as a way for married couples to flirt. We use that all the time. We have babies so we can still frequently utilize the “that’s what she said” phrase which makes for a lot of laughs. 🙂 Being coy and coquettish is also always appreciated. I can see how this aspect would feel like something to be learned if it is not an easy interaction. I would say it is well worth the efforts. 🙂
http://www.fountainfamilyblog.com
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Jennifer – yes, it is well worth the effort! You and David do such a great job of exhibiting a fun, flirty kind of love. Thanks for sharing!!
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So important – and so easy to overlook / neglect with all that’s going on in our lives! The key is to remember that it IS fun; when romancing and flirting with your spouse is seen as a chore, it can’t work as it should
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I suppose couples could add “flirt” to their “things we need to do to make our marriage better” list, but if they do…it’s most certainly not going to work. The whole idea behind flirting and the reason it succeeds is because of it’s spontaneity. If all is well in the marriage, flirting should come naturally. If all is well and you don’t flirt, you may just need a nudge to get started thinking that way again. Life can suck the spontaneity right out of us if we let it–DON’T. If all isn’t well in the marriage, go after the things that need fixing first. Otherwise flirting may suggest you aren’t taking your marriage problems seriously. Thanks for the comment sojourner63. You got me thinking quite early this morning! 🙂
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My first thought was “how can you NOT flirt after ten years! The better we know each other, the easier and more automatic it is.
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AMEN, Paul! But sadly, there are those who don’t. Thus, the reason for this post. I’m praying it will have a positive effect.
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I guess I get to be the dissenting voice. The way you defined flirting is not how I would define it. I’d define it as acting like you’re romantically interested in someone when you really have no intention to commit. There’s a careless, flippant aspect to it. Even in the context of a marriage commitment, not everyone appreciates coyness.
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Rachelle,
Yes, this kind of flirting is the kind seen in the world. It IS flippant as you said, but flirting in marriage can be fun. Kind of like teasing each other in a secret way known only to the two of you. There is no reason married couples shouldn’t enjoy this type of flirting. It adds fun and playfulness to your relationship in a way nothing else can.
Thanks for your thought-provoking comment. What does everyone else think?
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Thanks for the clarification, Debi.
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Thank you for adding to the conversation, Rachelle.
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Flirting brings such fun to marriage. I wouldn’t ever be able to flirt with anyone else the way I do with my husband. Flirting works so much better in a marriage because you know its safe. I can flirt outrageously with my husband and know there is no danger in it but that the sexual tension that results from flirting really helps in the bedroom. In a way it is flippant and dangerous because I am daring him to notice me sexually but I think that is great thing. I know I have my husband’s attention 100% when I am flirting with him and all that flirting keeps his mind on me when I am not in his line of sight. I am the mom of 11 that posted above.
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Jenniffer mom of 11kids,25yrs of marriage,how do you both have your fun with 11kids around, n wow 11kids, that’s more than 2 handfull
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We send each other flirty text messages throughout the day. We have secret code words and phrases we use. We also discreetly show physical affection in public… but we figure if someone sees or hears… we’re married and in love… and that’s all that matters. We love flirting with each other… little glances here, little hand brushes there, little smooches stolen when in line and waiting, and little notes in surprise places.
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