It has happened more times than I can count since Tom and I have been married. We hear of another couple ending their marriage and it breaks our heart. Not only for the failure to keep their covenant before God and family, but for the children who will bear the effects for the rest of their lives.
Divorce hurts! And no matter what you may have heard, the hurt never goes away.
I understand how couples get there. There is a fine line between “we” and “me”. When we start processing our marriage through the “me” lens, everything is skewed. What should be resolved together turns the other away and seeks a solution alone, many times without the other knowing.
This is why we are passionate about encouraging strong marriages. You may or may not realize how close you are walking this fine line between “we” and “me.” It usually begins with a question in your heart as to the motive of your spouse. You make assumptions based on what you can see and what you can hear. But what is missing is most important of all–What are they thinking? The only one who knows this answer is God and your spouse. Don’t assume you know the answer – ASK!
If the questions are allowed to continue, what usually follows is disdain. Everything your spouse says and does is judged by how you are viewing them, not on how they truly are. Pay attention to your thoughts toward your spouse. Are they uplifting? Encouraging? Filled with love and admiration? If not, then know you have work to do.
When we look at our spouse we should see them and love them for who they are, not who we want them to be. Of course, we want to encourage our spouse to grow and mature in their faith and life, but how we see them today is a compass for the direction we’re heading.
A healthy marriage sees what’s lacking in our spouse and takes it upon ourselves to encourage them and help them be the best they can be.
A borderline marriage sees what’s lacking in our spouse and grumbles and complains. Maybe this isn’t done out loud, but that makes no difference. Proverbs 23:7 says, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” Take these thoughts captive and remember what character qualities caused you to fall in love with them in the first place. No spouse is perfect, nor will they ever be! Knowing this helps us accept them where they are. Our privilege is to help them become even more than what they could be on their own. This is the beauty of marriage. I’m a better “me” because of “we”. I am sure it’s the same for all who practice this.
How is it in your marriage? Are you in a healthy place or walking the fine line between “we” and “me”. Let us help by encouraging you to deal with this now before you find yourself calling your friends and family to tell them your marriage is over.