We recently shared a video on our Facebook page that stirred an interesting conversation. We wanted to continue it here.
First, click over to our Facebook page and scroll down to the video titled, If Your Relationship Has Changed.
While the main message of the video is to continue learning to love the person your spouse has become through the various seasons of marriage, there is an underlying message we don’t necessarily agree with. One of our readers posted an excellent comment and she has given us permission to share it with you.
“…this video left me feeling sad, not hopeful. It, somehow, felt incomplete. I know that it is a video and can only cover so much in a short amount of time, but it seemed to me to stop short of truly giving both partners in a relationship the opportunity to express their frustrations honestly and then work TOGETHER to make the relationship work for the both of them in a more satisfactory manner. I know that wasn’t the point of this particular video. To me, a more honest, encouraging, hopeful scenario would go a bit further and have the husband share with his wife how he is feeling, as well, and then have them each ask the other how they might help one another alleviate some of their stress in order to make the relationship more meaningful and fulfilling for the both of them. I guess I felt as if this video gave the impression that how a man is feeling or what he is needing isn’t as valid or important as how the wife is feeling or what she is doing. And, after being married for 27 years, I have learned the importance of both partners listening to one another and then seeking ways in which to make things work better…for both of them.” – Sheri Bybee Mitchell
Sheri shares on her Facebook page that it takes “Couple Intentionality” to make a marriage work. One sided marriages will work for a while, but sooner or later the strong partner will grow weary. If the other spouse isn’t willing to move with intentionality toward their spouse the marriage will either die, or grow more distant.
Take a moment and think about your spouse’s current struggles. Since this is our series on Physical Intimacy, how have these stressors effected your sex life? What are you doing to help your spouse through the trouble?
When it comes to marital discord I can only change myself. If I place all the blame on my husband, then there is no hope because I can’t change him.
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” – 1 Peter 3:1-2 ESV (emphasis added)
God’s Word says our husbands can be won over without us nagging or complaining, if we see to it that we are honoring the Lord with our words and deeds. It’s for Him that we seek to make our marriage the best it can be.
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” – 1 Peter 3:7 ESV (emphasis added)
Husbands, it is your responsibility to have an understanding heart toward your wife. If she is stressed with all the responsibilities of work, home and family, to the point where your sexual intimacy is suffering, ask yourself,”What can I do to help alleviate some of the stress?”
If you are spending more time looking back to what used to be than looking forward to what can be, may I encourage you to take this seriously? Ignoring the tension won’t make it go away. Tell your spouse you want to talk and be honest in a loving way. Express your desire to see the marriage be all God intended it to be. You may need to ask help from a pastor or counselor. Your marriage is worth it!
Coasting is always going downhill. Maybe it’s time to put on the brakes and get out of the car to talk. Once you’ve listened and heard each other’s perspective, only then can you have the ability to turn the car around. I can tell you, the view at the top of the hill is worth the effort.
Indicators you may be coasting in your physical intimacy:
- You make excuses as to why you don’t want to make love.
- You no longer ask because you don’t want to be rejected again.
- Your spouse rolls their eyes at you often.
- You can’t remember the last time you made love.
- There is an unexplainable distance between us.
- My wife is too tired for me.
- My husband is too busy for me.
- My wife loves the children more than me. They are her world!
- My husband loves his job/hobbies more than me. It’s all he talks about.
If you can relate to any of these indicators, please know you need help. Our sexual connection is the only thing that differentiates the marriage relationship from all others. We can have great conversation with friends, but no one but our spouse can meet this God-given desire in us.
We are one flesh. Let no one put us asunder.