I recently heard of a couple where she went out of her way to serve her man in very practical and helpful way, but because his “love language” wasn’t gifts of service he told her it didn’t mean much to him–he barely noticed.
How painful those words must have been. Which got me thinking about the whole love language thing. There is truth to how we especially appreciate the love our spouse shows to us. Each of us are different, and it is by God’s design. We need to study our spouse. We need to look for ways to bless them in a way that is meaningful to them…
B.U.T.
If we use our “love language” to demand our spouse only love us in the way we think is special, isn’t this selfishness at its worst? Where is the gratefulness for the fact that our spouse is going out of their way to make our life a little easier? Where is the kindness and gentleness?
I am in no way condemning Gary Chapman’s best seller–it is profound in many ways and has helped countless marriages grow in better understanding their mate. However, if our spouse expresses love to us at all, we should be humbly grateful no matter how it is shown. Our spouse’s love is a gift to us from God. May we never take this gift lightly!
In what ways does your spouse show you love in unexpected ways?
♥ Things To Do In Orlando ♥
NORTH
- Sanford – Art Walk is the fourth Friday of each month. It begins at 6p. and admission is FREE.
EAST
- Casselberry – Hot Rods And Rock N Roll Car Show will take place on Saturday, May 26th from 5p – 9p. FREE.
SOUTH
- Orange County Convention Center hosts Central Florida Home and Garden Show beginning Friday, May 25th – Sunday, May 27th. See site for hours and pricing.
WEST
- Celebration Town Center – Jazz Under the Starz on Thursday, May 24th from 7p – 8:15p. Bring your chairs and enjoy a live jazz performance by the Boone HS Band.
The Romantic Vineyard 
Mine is words and my husband’s is touch. Once I figured this out, I noticed that when he wanted to express love for me he would touch me and I would tell him with words. It didn’t do much for me until I figured out what he really meant. Now it is kind of a second reaction, I’ll tell him I love him and then I’ll think “oh yeah” and I’ll touch him somehow, but it doesn’t come naturally, I have to think about it.
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Sis, You’re right–we have to purpose to think about it. Otherwise our marriage will drift, not a good thing for a healthy marriage.
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Love languages are so tricky especially when backgrounds are so different. For me touch was a trigger unless set up in a safe very safe setting, recovery process from difficult years taught me slowly that not all touch was bad. Even now at age 57 the blending of touch and words ‘the wrong kind’ can become a trigger. My husband has learned that for me to show his love is to prepare my plate of ‘breakfast snacks’ on the way to church. (we have a 25 minute drive) that gives me time to get ready and yet be able to snack before we get there. He does many things to show me his love, We just had to learn what works. (thirty eight years later we are still learning)
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That’s so true, Sharon. Marriage is a life-long pursuit of learning how to love our spouse. Love how the two of you have learned from your mistakes and made your marriage stronger–38 years stronger to be exact. Congratulations! We could all learn from you.
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I think it comes down to learning how to give AND receive expressions of love with grace. When I receive something my wife does for me with grace, I see the heart behind it and believe in her desire to bless me. That’s the main thing. That’s the thing that builds intimacy between us. And it is from the place of intimacy that I can provide feedback that helps her love me in other ways that might be more my cup of tea.
One other thing. I think we have to be very careful not to use things like the “Love Languages” and various personality tests as weapons or excuses. “Oh I’m a [Meyers-Briggs] T [thinking] not an F [Feeling] so that’s why i don’t care if I hurt your feelings.” No these things are only to provide us insight into how are are wired (and how our spouse is wired) and to help us navigate this tricky thing called marriage.
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Scott,
You’ve hit the nail right on the head. I’m afraid many young marriages make the mistake of thinking their marriage isn’t a good one because of these issues. The problem isn’t the marriage, the problem is the excuses they’re choosing to hide behind. God help us to notice our spouse’s expressions of love even if it isn’t how we would have chosen for them to express it. This type of love (where your spouse knows you so well they do things for you the way you prefer) and romance takes years of communication and practice in a safe environment.
Thanks for adding your excellent points on this subject.
Debi
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Scott…
My thoughts exactly. While every act of love doesn’t need to be expressed in ‘our’ love language, it helps tremendously when we at least make the effort to do so.
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Tonya,
Excellent point. It sure does help! Thanks for sharing,
Debi
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This is such a helpful reminder. My problem has too often been that I want Benny to be like ME! I think that so often we are led a little too much by what others have discovered about marriage (or parenting or etc) and try to import their lessons into our lives. Sometimes it’s wonderfully helpful…but other times it can’t quench the Spirit’s promptings for MY life and family. Thanks to you and Tom for continuing to provide such Godward but practical help to people like me!
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Such good advice, Sheree. We can’t take what worked for someone else’s marriage and apply it to ours without checking with the Lord first. Otherwise, we quench what the Spirit wants to do by going after what seems best in our own opinion. A danger all marriages need to beware of. Thanks!
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Good post Debi! Yes, I too have heard couples saying things like this… “they’re not speaking MY love language!” and then virtually dismissing what the spouse IS doing for them. I think Gary Chapman was onto something with his descriptions of “love languages”, but I also think a very large number of people turned his INTENT into something very legalistic… ignoring the heart of the message.
For me, there are times when I truly could not care less if the sink gets emptied of dishes before we go to bed… but I have learned how important it is to my wife – she hates to wake up to a full sink. It took me awhile to get to this point, but I have totally stopped thinking “how silly of her!” and started trying to be better about either doing it for her, or at the very least allowing her the opportunity to take care of the sink before dragging her off to bed for the night. It’s made late evening a much less stressful time in our home.
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What a great, practical example Jason. I wonder how many marriages will be helped by this one comment. Thank you for opening your life for others to glean from. Now to go get the dirty dishes out of my sink. LOL!
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I couldn’t agree more. The book was good but limiting. Yes I have my primary love language but it is so nice to be loved in any language.
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Exactly, Mark, “To be loved in any language.” May we all become multi-lingual: able to recognize, understand and from time to time speak, all five love-languages.
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A great post. We are still learning how best to show our love for each other but after twelve years I believe our marriage is good now because we try to see the love. I don’t wait for him to give me love but rather I choose to interpret all of his words and actions as gifts of love. He chooses to see my actions in return. When we carry this attitude with us our days are happier and the nights are sweeter.
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Anonymous – you are so right. I heard a wife say to her husband once, “Everything I do, I do with you in mind!” Now that’s love and it takes a mature husband to recognize her love in all of these forms. And vice versa.
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I love this great reminder to not get caught up in “what i want” and to remember/Appreciate my spouse’s love
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John, it’s a lifetime of remembering this one thing. Thank you for reminding us of that!
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