Fighting looks different for every marriage.

* Some are silent fighters—the cold shoulder is their weapon of choice.

* Some are score keepers—their weapon of choice is a list of wrongs suffered.

* Some are angry—their weapon of choice is their words.

* Some are blame shifters—their weapon of choice is accusations.

* Finally, some are peace fakers—their weapon of choice is denial.

Every marriage fights in one way or another, but learning how to fight fair is essential for a healthy marriage.

Each type of fighter mentioned above could be its own blog post. But the focus of this post is how to fight fair, regardless of your fighting style.

All fighting happens because you or your spouse aren’t getting what you want.

“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.”
‭‭James‬ ‭4‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Fights will happen, but they don’t have to last. What’s required is the ability to say what upset you without upsetting your spouse. If you don’t do this, you will only complicate the disagreement.

Tom has always said, “Purpose to lower your voice to keep your emotions at bay.” We all have a tendency to raise our voices, thinking we are gaining the upper hand. But really we’re only giving vent to unbridled anger.

“A soft answer turns away wrath.”

Proverbs 15:1 ESV

Another way to diffuse a fight is to ask questions, instead of making assumptions. We may know what happened, but the why isn’t known unless you are both willing to be honest with each other.

The last tip we learned from Gary Thomas in his book, Cherish. He says we have a choice to either treat our spouse like an attorney to prove them guilty whatever it takes! Or to treat them like a physician where we are willing to work together to find the issue. The former is pointing fingers, the latter is holding hands.

The most valuable lesson I learned during our first major conflict was that we aren’t enemies, we are on the same team fighting the same enemy.

I remember a picture I heard that changed my perspective on what’s behind all marital conflicts.

As Christians who are married, we have a real enemy that wants nothing more than to see our relationship fail. I heard it helps to imagine this enemy in the corner of our bedroom enjoying the drama of our conflict—all the while eating popcorn craving more by turning up the volume.

This demonstrates what is happening in the unseen world with the enemy of our souls. I certainly don’t want to entertain him!

The Bible instructs us…

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”
‭‭James‬ ‭4‬:‭7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

This is a promise we can cling to when fights happen and we struggle to be the one to go first.

The only way we can fight fair is to submit ourselves to God. It is His work in us both that gives us the power to change.

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Welcome to our new followers. We are blessed to have you. May our posts be an encouragement and help for your marriage

Blessings,

Tom and Debi ❤️❤️