Physical Intimacy – The Sexual Rule Book

Identifying the Sexual Rule Book in our minds goes a long way towards Physical Intimacy in marriage

Photo by Alex Holyoake on Unsplash

Some may call this Sexual Intimacy, but we believe Physical Intimacy more accurately describes this part of marriage. This kind of intimacy encompasses so much more than having sexual relations. Physical touch and expression throughout the day are what enhances the intimacy shared while making love. If neither of you are thinking about this special aspect of your relationship outside of the bedroom, then your sex life will suffer at it’s worst, or plateau at it’s best.

It’s like climbing a mountain. Many try and end up stopping halfway realizing it is harder than they imagined. They are satisfied with how far they’ve climbed and are willing to settle there. The motivation to keep the vision alive dissipates into thin air, and the journey becomes the destination.

Consider that no one else can satisfy this particular need in your spouse. To choose to no longer pursue a deeper intimacy in marriage is to go against the very vows you promised on your wedding day. Satisfying this need in your spouse is your privilege alone! Yes, I called it a privilege.

Privilege – a special right or advantage granted or available only to a particular person.

No one can satisfy your spouse with pleasure the way you can, and no one has the power to disappoint them more than you. We must make a conscious choice which one we will choose. The former will lead to an adventurous marriage, and the latter leads to settled marriage. We pray that as we talk about Physical Intimacy, you will begin to desire change as you climb this mountain together.

In his excellent book, Sheet Music, Dr. Kevin Leman says,

Too  many married couples settle for second best. The husband is willing to use his wife for biological release, and the wife may be willing to “accommodate” her husband just to avoid his incessant nagging. But that’s not what either of them truly desires. Neither person is fulfilled when sex is desperately asked for and only grudgingly given.

So take the plunge! Don’t settle for less than God has intended. Sex is one of the most amazing things God ever thought up–but sex this good doesn’t come naturally to any one of us. We  have to become willing to practice how to be a better lover; we need to spend time thinking of ways to keep sex fresh and fun; we even need to study our spouse to discover just what fulfills them sexually. (pgs. 13 – 14)

Are you struggling in your sex life? There is hope for you and much to discover on this grand adventure. There will be uncomfortable questions to ask yourself and your spouse. You will need to commit to being honest and vulnerable with each other in a way you may have never experienced.

We have not been taught well in this regard, and sadly many churches don’t address this topic before, much less after, marriage. We are left alone in the dark, figuratively and literally, to discover it on our own. Sometimes this mountain requires too much effort without the skills needed to make it to the top, so we are tempted to quit. With some help and encouragement we believe you can get there. And wait until you see the view…

Intimacy at this level is breathtaking!

Physical Intimacy provides an incredible view into your spouse's heart. It's worth the effort to get there!

Photo by Clarisse Meyer on Unsplash

Physical Intimacy Prompt:

Dr. Leman shares that we all have a unwritten, sometimes unconscious sexual rule book. Some of the rules in our book came from how we were raised. Plan a date night out or a quiet evening after the kids are in bed to consider these questions:

  1. What gets me upset in bed?
  2. What in general, most fulfills me sexually?
  3. What makes me lose interest in sex?
  4. What generates the most interest in sex?
  5. What sexual request or act creates the most fear in me?

Now step back and ask yourself why this might be so? You want to ask yourself these questions and bring the “hidden influence out into the open: Once you understand the influence, you can decide whether it’s a healthy or unhealthy one. You can choose to keep it or, if it’s hindering your marriage, get rid of it. (pgs. 26-27)

Practice connecting physically throughout the day, whether it’s

  • a lingering kiss in the morning,
  • a prolonged hug when you both return home at the end of the day
  • brushing each other secretly as you pass in the kitchen
  • rubbing your spouse’s shoulders after dinner.

These small acts of kindness are building blocks to a deeper Physical Intimacy. And it’s a great, non-threatening way to start.

Physical Intimacy Prayer:


Thank you for the hope and help You promise us if we will ask. So today we come asking that You will help us talk about this very important topic in our marriage. Give us the right words to describe what is going on in our hearts regarding Physical Intimacy. Help us both to be vulnerable and honest. May our words reveal our need accurately. I want my spouse to know my love for them is real, and that I am willing to do the hard work to make it strong and exciting. All of this is for Your glory to a watching world. Our children and our grandchildren need to see Christ’s love for the church reflected in how we love each other. May our love be genuine by the grace You supply.

In Jesus’ Name we ask,


Physical Intimacy Scripture:

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” – Genesis 2:24-25 ESV (emphasis added)

Physical Intimacy Recommended Resource:

Recommended Resource available on Amazon

Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman

About Debi Walter

Tom and Debi have been sharing encouragements through their blogs for many years. Marriage, Reading God's Word and documenting family history is our focus. Growing in our relationship with the Lord is primary in all we say, write or do. We are grateful for all who desire to join us in the same endeavors.
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5 Responses to Physical Intimacy – The Sexual Rule Book

  1. Excellent post, Debi.


  2. I wish things were different…

    Thank you for the offer
    of everything you’ve got,
    but on second, thought, don’t bother;
    I’m afraid I’d rather not.
    I’ve gone too far down this fell road,
    born anew in cancer’s flame.
    Charred and bloody, but unbowed,
    and I’m simply not the same.
    I wish that I could let your soft
    touch heal me once again,
    but to be vulnerable bears a cost;
    he who’d pay it, once, is slain.
    I never dreamt that my life-story
    was damned to end in hard cold glory.


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