Red Lights, Green Lights, And Smoke Screens

red light green-light

Our marriage community group is going through a book and DVD series titled, Grace-Filled Marriage, by Tim and Darcy Kimmel. In our last session the topic was Grace-Filled Sex, and he told a story I’d like to share with you, paraphrased as I heard it.

I was recently on a trip with a couple of other pastors and we ended up having dinner together. As the meal came to an end we got to talking about what it’s like to travel. One pastor shared how often women will come up to him and strike up a conversation that is flirtatious in nature.  The other pastor chimed in saying the same has happened to him. They were talking about resisting such temptations and how difficult it can be.

I thought to myself, that’s never happened to me. When I got home I shared this conversation with Darcy saying, ‘I must have dweeb written all over my face because as many times as I’ve traveled I’ve never once had this happen to me.’

Darcy said, ‘You don’t have dweeb written all over your face, Tim; What you have is a great big red light on your chest saying, “not available for discussion.”

It’s true. People can determine pretty quickly by your body language and what you say what’s of most importance to you.

If you’re satisfied at home, there will be a big “no vacancy” sign flashing for all to see. If your marriage is lacking intimacy, you’ll display a yellow, or worse, a green light, inviting conversation with members of the opposite sex.

This is why it matters more than you know to keep your intimacy healthy in all respects–spiritual, emotional, intellectual and sexual. If you’ve drifted, as all marriages do from time to time, let this be your wake-up call! Don’t wait until you find out your spouse has crossed the line.

How to know if you’ve drifted:

  • You aren’t anticipating the next time you can talk with your spouse about the things weighing on your heart.
  • You avoid sexual intimacy due to all kinds of excuses like fatigue, headache, not worth the effort, or at its worse–bitterness/unforgiveness.
  • You choose to unwind by connecting with friends on the internet or watching a movie or playing video games, rather than being with your spouse.
  • You aren’t sharing about the little things that happen in your day thinking they don’t have time to listen.
  • When you think of your spouse there’s a subtle indifference instead of anticipation.
  • You don’t think about them throughout the day and pray for them as you used to.
  • Your first thought when they ask you to do something is how inconvenient it is rather than a willingness to help them.

This list is just a start. Most marriages realize they’re drifting when they don’t care about the other as much as they used to. This is a dangerous place and one where you must take drastic measures to regain what’s been lost.

Your marriage is worth it. You have no idea of the number of people who will be impacted by your failed relationship. In order to truly change a drifting marriage, it has to be a conviction of your heart for the good of your spouse, the sincerity of your wedding vows and for the glory of God. Doing it for any other reason is just a smoke screen to hide the green light on your chest. 

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About Debi Walter

Tom and Debi have been sharing encouragements through their blogs for many years. Marriage, Reading God's Word and documenting family history is our focus. Growing in our relationship with the Lord is primary in all we say, write or do. We are grateful for all who desire to join us in the same endeavors.
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