Tom and I have been learning about difficult issues in marriage that we didn’t know happened. We realize how we have been spared many heartaches in our 45 years of marriage. Not that we didn’t have our own to deal with—we certainly did—but nothing on the level we have witnessed recently.

We have watched couples where one spouse refused to admit their wrong in the marriage, a major red flag.

We all bring sin to our marriage.

We shouldn’t be surprised when we hurt our spouse. The most important way to deal with it is to be quick to repent. Not just a token, “I’m sorry,” but a deep regret for the pain you’ve cause your spouse.

If you find yourself blame-shifting you may be missing a major part of a healthy marriage. We all must be quick to see our sin and own it. Only then do we find grace from God to change.

I can testify that my husband owned the blame when we faced our hardest tests early in our relationship. When I struggled to forgive him, he was quick to say he deserved it for the way he hurt me. He never blamed me for the way he treated me. He never said if you wouldn’t have done this I wouldn’t have sinned. Instead he realized his sin wasn’t about me at all. It was about him and his relationship to God.

What a liberating response for me to see. Even when Tom hurt me, I felt cared for by him in how he released me to grieve.

If your spouse is shifting the blame on you when they are at fault, please seek help.

This isn’t how healthy marriages relate to each other and certainly not modeling Christ in how He instructed us to love. Jesus laid down His life for us when He wasn’t at fault. How much more should we lay down our lives and our pride for our spouse? We vowed to love them above ourselves. This is easy to say on our wedding day, but impossible to do apart from the grace God supplies.

It breaks our heart to see the damage that occurs when one spouse refuses to humble themselves.

Pride kills a marriage. Humility fertilizes it.

All marriages face hard times. We all need God to help us through them. We pray our post will encourage and challenge you to keep leaning in to make your marriage the best it can be.