What To Do When You’re Not In The Mood

Photo Credit: parentpathway.com

Photo Credit: parentpathway.com

Everyone at some point or another in marriage will face times where you just don’t feel like making love. But what happens when this happens and your spouse really, really wants to?

There are several options. But first it’s important for both husband and wife to posture themselves in the right way. Many arguments and much more tension can be avoided if you both simply prepare ahead of time how you’ll respond in times like these.

Here’s A Scenario:

You’ve had an incredibly busy day and your brain has hardly had a chance to breathe. After eating dinner and getting the kids to bed all you can think of is dropping into bed yourself…when your spouse comes and gives you that knowing look and begins to caress your body.

Here are your response options:


Roll your eyes and do everything you can to not respond to their initiative. When they look at you, make sure you’re yawning. When they advance, retreat. Talk about how bad you feel, how tired you are, and hope they get the hint.


Tell your spouse honestly how difficult your day has been. But pray for God to help you love your spouse in your weakness. Make yourself available to them even though you don’t feel up to it, trusting God to answer your prayer. Now, a spouse who is sensitive will most likely say they understand and let you have your rest. But sometimes the urge is just too strong for them to ignore. True love is willing to make love even when it’s not the best time for you. Seeking to please your spouse is the kind of sacrificial love the Bible encourages. It’s hard when one spouse is being giving and the other is being selfish and demanding, but in these rare cases, we believe God hears the cries of the tired spouse and will help them do what they can’t do in their own strength. And usually once you get started, your mood will change if you haven’t allowed bitterness or anger to get in the way.

All marriages face seasons like these when making love just isn’t going the way you thought it would. It’s not romantic–it’s more like a chore on the to-do list, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a chore worth going after.

How do you handle times when your spouse is pursuing and you’re just not feeling it? What can you plan to do next time this happens to be the best spouse you can be?

About Debi Walter

Tom and Debi have been sharing encouragements through their blogs for many years. Marriage, Reading God's Word and documenting family history is our focus. Growing in our relationship with the Lord is primary in all we say, write or do. We are grateful for all who desire to join us in the same endeavors.
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2 Responses to What To Do When You’re Not In The Mood

  1. blest wife says:

    I have learned that prayer and attitude are the key for me when it comes to sharing my love to my husband through sex when I’m not in the mood. We’ve been married for 34 years and I for sure have had resentment in the past but am happy to say God has helped me have an attitude adjustment and a servant perspective and I’ve learned when we ask God to help us, He does. I have learned to take my focus off myself and put it on pleasing my husband with God’s help and I’ve found much joy and fulfillment from this. Debi, thanks so much for all that you share with us. I (we) love your blog and find much encouragement from it. I just recently purchased a new bible study out that I think every married woman will find very helpful. I got the DVD and workbook and I hope to go through it with a group of ladies in my home this Fall. It’s called Passion Pursuit and it’s put out by Authentic Intimacy. Check it out at: http://www.authenticintimacy.com/?q=passion-pursuit
    Blessings to you and Tom!


    • Debi Walter says:

      Blest Wife,
      I want to thank you on many levels:
      1. For sharing openly about how God helped you become a better wife in the midst of a very trying season. Our attitude makes all the difference in how we handle growth and trouble in our marriage.
      2. Thank you for providing the link to Linda Dillow’s new book. I love her book, Calm My Anxious Heart, and I haven’t heard of this one. We’ve already downloaded it on our Kindle!
      3. Most of all thank you for your encouragement. You know how much we as marriage bloggers put our heart and marriage on display through the posts we believe God wants us to write. To know that others are benefitting from them makes being vulnerable worth it. We’re so grateful to know your thoughts
      And to be married the same year (1979) is an added bonus.
      Blessings to you,
      Debi (with Tom)


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