The Romantic Vineyard

When Tom and I got married I was only 19. I had never lived outside of my parent’s home much less my hometown of Orlando. I loved Central Florida, even with all the changes that had taken place with the arrival of the Mouse a few years earlier. But when I said yes to Tom’s proposal, I also said yes to living with him in Bradenton, FL., a small town on the west coast of Florida, which is south of Tampa. I was in love. I was excited for the adventure, but I had no concept of what these changes would look like in reality.

I can sum it up with one word–lonely.

I was lonely for the familiar because I didn’t know how to get anywhere. I didn’t know anyone except for Tom, and he worked 60+ hours at Gordon’s Jewelers as a General Manager. I didn’t have a job yet, and I didn’t have any friends. Oh, there were people who reached out to me, like Mrs. Layzell, an older woman who lived in our condo complex who took me under her wing and taught me how to bake pies and bread, something for which my family is grateful to this day. Pies became my signature dish, and my expertise in baking them was born during this lonely season of my life.

I remember telling Tom how I wished we could move. I wanted to feel at home in my marriage and Bradenton didn’t feel like home. We had passed through Miami on our honeymoon, and I didn’t care for the big city life idea at all. I told him I’d follow him anywhere, except Miami!

I quickly learned to be careful of what you say, for it may be the next trial. Sure enough, within 5 months of marriage Tom got a promotion, which included a transfer to Miami. He had to be there the next day, which happened to be my birthday. We called the moving company, and before I could say no, we were there.

Talk about living in an unfamiliar city–Miami felt like another country!

It wasn’t long before I got a job working for the parent company of the job I had in Orlando, which was a bit of familiar that helped me adjust. Each morning when I drove to work I had to get on the Florida Turnpike and pass the sign that said, “South-Miami, North-Orlando.” I can’t tell you how hard it was to go South each day, but I did, and we made some great memories in South Florida.

Homesickness has a way of eating away the joy in your soul.

If it isn’t dealt with you’ll soon have none. I know because this is what happened to me. What I didn’t know was God was teaching me a lesson I would relearn over and over in the years to come. It was the trial of letting go.

No matter what happens in all marriages one thing is certain–change is constant. Whether it’s changing jobs, changing locations, changing neighborhoods, friends moving away, children moving away, it happens and only those who embrace it with complete trust in God will find joy in the midst of the changes.

I’m sitting in a small cottage in TN awaiting the birth of our 8th grandchild. She is three days late, and a big change is about to take place in 2 year old Vito’s life. Right now he’s the baby of the family, but soon that will no longer be the case. He’ll have a little sister for the rest of his life, and it’s a good change. But it won’t be easy for him until he adjusts to the new norm.

Outside my window is a tree that is obviously not healthy. I know because one side of it has completely rotted away.

The other side is held up by a chain wrapped around the old dying part. I don’t know when the chain was added, but by the way it has cut into the bark of the tree, I would say it was put there when the other part of the tree was still in place. Maybe the owners were hoping to save the dying tree, maybe they didn’t want to let go of the inevitable. Whatever the reason the chain didn’t help, it only made things worse, leaving a permanent dent on the tree’s exterior.

• What changes have you been forced to face in your marriage?
• Have you embraced them whole-heartedly? Or…
• Have you chained yourself to the old way hoping to keep things as they were?

I can tell you from experience–let go! Holding on to what was is no guarantee that the changes won’t happen anyway. Change will come and those who let go to embrace a new normal most often find a joy they didn’t know was possible.

The toll my resistance to change has put on our marriage has been palpable. I’m grateful for a husband who is used to change–he moved away from his hometown when he was in 10th grade to a new state. He willingly changed jobs to find better opportunities. His parents divorced when he was 18 which completely rocked his world. (Certainly this change wasn’t a positive in his life, but he became a Christian shortly after this trial.) He learned that change may seem bad when it happens but it can turn out better than you ever hoped. And this knowledge has helped me grow through many more changes–and there have been many.

Whether it’s homesickness you’re dealing with, or the changes wrought by the need to let go, be aware of how this can impact your marriage. Work together and help each other adjust to the changes. This is a huge part of growing and changing together as the years pass.

Resources:

Bittersweet, by Shauna Niequist

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I can think of no more difficult season in our marriage than when we both had to confess sins.

Some were against each other. Some were committed without the other knowing anything at all. Some happened before we were married. Yet God compelled us to come clean by confessing our sins, so that we might be restored.

On our wedding day we weren’t thinking about the reality that our “Prince Charming” or our “Beauty Queen” was actually a sinner saved by grace. When we said “I do” we were committing to being loving and faithful to each other even when sin sought to separate us.

“Marriage is the union of two people who arrive toting the luggage of life. And that luggage always contains sin.”
― Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say “I Do”: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage

The best way to combat sin is by exposing it; It likes to hide in the dark; It likes to keep secrets; It likes to divide.

But God has called us to be united in love. He did a miracle on our wedding day by taking two and making us one flesh. We believe this isn’t just a sweet metaphor, but an actual bonding that takes place in the spiritual realm that is consummated in the physical realm when we make love for the first time on our wedding night.

When we sin against our spouse in various ways, it requires complete honesty with the other to make things right.

This is never easy because the confession will bring with it pain and hurt to the unsuspecting spouse. You know things will get worse before they get better, but this is true with so many other areas of life–i.e. surgery, dental procedures, etc. The pain is part of the cure.

I remember when Tom and I went through this for the first time. It was during our third year of marriage and I was pregnant with our first child. We were at a place in our relationship where we were either going to grow more intimate by being gut-level honest or grow more distant by hiding from being truly known. Intimacy is born through honest communication. I’m grateful that God led us to be honest. He ordered our steps–the hard ones that we thought were out of control at the time–so that we would come to a place of deeper intimacy.

When there is unconfessed sin in a relationship, it usually begins with conflict that is unexplainable.

You get into an argument over something that seems like nothing and you’re left shaking your head saying, “What just happened?”

“Blame-shifting is what I do when I basically know I’m guilty and am just trying to convince myself or someone else that maybe I’m not.”  – Dave Harvey

This is often an indicator of a guilty conscience. Sin likes to build smoke screens to distract the other spouse from discovering it. Our encouragement to any marriage going through similar circumstances is to pray. God is our Good Shepherd, and He knows all the hidden things. Ask Him to help you love your spouse when things don’t seem to be going well. Ask Him to reveal any hidden sin, and ask your spouse the hard questions too.

It’s important to know that your spouse is committed to the marriage no matter how difficult the trial. When Tom and I married we both said that divorce would never be an option. When we faced trouble we knew we had to work it through or be miserable. It is this conviction that helped us stay the course when many others would have chosen to quit.

And you know what? We discovered that on the other side of confessed and repented sin is a deeper intimacy.

Our love grew and matured. It was no longer us grasping for a happy ending fairy tale, but we were experiencing real love worked out through real pain.

Have you experienced a similar time in your marriage? If so, you know what we’re talking about. Maybe you’re in the midst of the pain and trying to figure out what is happening. Don’t let yourself buy into the lie that you’re the only one who has ever gone through this. Any Christian couple who has been married for decades most likely has stories of seasons where they had to confess sins to their spouse. The enemy would love you to believe you’re the only one. He would love for you to question why you should stay in such a relationship. But please, lean into your spouse! The intimacy that follows confession is worth the pain it takes to get there.

(NOTE: If you’re in an abusive relationship, please get outside help. No one should ever endure such treatment.)

Resources:

When Sinners Say I Do, by Dave Harvey

What Should I Tell My Spouse About My Sexual Sin?, CCEF

• When there is unconfessed sin in a relationship, it usually begins with conflict that is unexplainable. http://wp.me/ptlJr-31v
• “Marriage is the union of two people who arrive toting the luggage of life. And it always contains sin.” Dave Harvey http://wp.me/ptlJr-31v
• It’s important to know that your spouse is committed to the marriage no matter how difficult the trial. http://wp.me/ptlJr-31v
• Don’t let yourself buy into the lie that you’re the only one who has ever gone through this. http://wp.me/ptlJr-31v
• When we sin against our spouse in various ways, it requires complete honesty with the other to make things right. http://wp.me/ptlJr-31v
• Our love was no longer a happy ending fairy tale, but we were experiencing real love worked out through real pain. http://wp.me/ptlJr-31v

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After 2 years of marriage we decided we were ready to start a family. When my pregnancy test came back positive we couldn’t have been more excited. So much so that we announced it to the world!! And this, before social media, was quite the fete!

A week later Tom had to go on a business trip to Tampa and asked me to go along with him. I was looking forward to the time away to relax and soak in God’s blessing on our lives.

The hotel where Tom’s meetings were being held didn’t have any rooms available, so we ended up at another hotel a few miles away. I had no idea how this one detail would impact me the next morning. I’m thankful Tom happened to mention the name of the place where he would be.

The next morning Tom left quietly so as not to wake me up. When I finally got out of bed I realized something was terribly wrong with my pregnancy. I panicked and called Tom who immediately came and took me to the hospital.

We ended up losing our first baby to miscarriage, and we were heart broken.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12 ESV

 I didn’t realize the waves of emotion that were about to sweep over me–but come they did and I wasn’t prepared for the questions:

• Would I ever be able to have children?
• What if something is terribly wrong with me?
• How do I face all the people we’ve told?

It was a dark night of my soul and I didn’t think anyone could understand what I was facing.

Grief is like that. It tries to isolate you and tell you you’re the only one who has ever faced such a trial. I knew that wasn’t true, but my emotions didn’t stop trying to convince me otherwise. I didn’t know anyone who had experienced a miscarriage–at least I didn’t know I did.

One by one friends began sharing with me their stories. Women whom I had no idea had gone through the same loss. Their stories helped me realize I wasn’t the only one, and this one miscarriage certainly didn’t guarantee my infertility. They had children. Life had continued on for them, so I started hoping it would be the same for us.

I’m not sure why God has brought this all back to my memory 34 years later. Maybe it’s because I know of two young couples facing similar losses. One, it’s their first baby. The other it’s their third, but no less difficult to face. Maybe it’s because we’re awaiting the birth of our eighth grandchild who is the fourth baby of my son and daughter-in-love.

God is the Giver of life and He’s also the Taker of life. He has already chosen the days marked out for us even before one of them has begun. And I have learned that He can be trusted, even when I don’t understand.

Pain is difficult. 

When both of you are grieving at the same time it’s important to have friends who can help you and be there with you as you grasp for hope in God.

But know this…God will supply for every need in every season of your marriage. Encourage others when they are in need so you too will find the comfort you need when faced with trials on every side.

If you have a story you would like to share of how God helped your marriage through a dark season, please email us at theromanticvineyard (at) gmail (dot) com. We will keep your names confidential, but let’s make much of what God has done for the encouragement of others. Thanks!

Resources:

Walking Through The Dark Valley Of Miscarriage

I love going to weddings. As I witness the wedding vows I pray for the bride and groom that God will help them through all the days to come–days that will be “worse” and “poorer”; days when they’ll face times of “sickness”. They have no idea what is waiting for them at the end of the aisle as they leave the church. But God, who is rich in mercy knows what is to come. He is what allows us to walk confidently into the unknown future full of faith that He will help us through each and every challenge.

I like to reflect back on what I was thinking and feeling on my own wedding day so long ago. I had an idealistic view, for sure. I was only 19 years old for goodness sake, but I had faith that God had led Tom and me together and He would see us through whatever circumstances came our way.

And He has.

This is my confidence as I pray for the newlywed couple. He is faithful to complete the work He’s begun in both of them, as He has been faithful with us.

I’m feeling a bit nostalgic today.

Maybe it’s because my daughter and her husband have been here for the past 8 days along with their four children. I’m amazed at how God has blessed them and cared for them these past 10 years. They had no idea where God would lead them, but He has used all of the changes they’ve faced to make their marriage stronger.

In two days we’ll head to Tennessee to spend the rest of October with our son and his wife as they await the arrival of their newest baby–a girl. That’ll make four for them in their first 10 years of marriage as well. God has been good to them in so many tangible ways. And what I love most about watching our children grow their families for God’s glory, is how they are growing more in love with each other. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s all been good.

You have no idea of how the choices you are making today in your marriage will impact the choices your children will make in the future. They are learning from your example, and we pray it’s one they will want to emulate.

You may think you have lots of time before you have to think about such weighty matters, but time goes quicker than you know.

• You have no idea how the choices you’re making today in your marriage will impact the choices your children will make in the future.
• Because of God we can walk confidently into the unknown future full of faith that He will help us through each and every challenge.
• God is faithful to complete the work He’s begun in you as He has been faithful with us.

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