Trials In Marriage – In-Law Relationships Part 2

Posted on November 5, 2015 by Debi Walter

IMG_0190

Today we want to talk about being a son-in-law or daughter-in-law. 

When Tom and I got married we couldn’t wait for our new life to begin. He lived in another city, so I not only changed my last name, I changed my city and my job. Add to the fact that I had never lived apart from my parents, I was in for a huge adjustment.

Tom, on the other hand, had lived on his own for quite a few years. And both sets of his parents lived across the country in CA. He was used to life on his own and was more than ready to share his address with  me.

A few months after our wedding I became quite ill and needed surgery. It wasn’t major, but since I had never been in the hospital before, my Mom was worried. Unbeknownst to me she offered to come stay with us . Tom wanted to reassure her that he was capable of caring for me, so he told her that her coming wasn’t necessary. He thought this would bring her peace, but instead she felt pushed away–unneeded. It took a long time for us to convince her that Tom didn’t mean to hurt her or exclude her.

This is the type of relational conflict that can occur when least expected.

We can talk and think we’ve communicated, but may be completely unaware that miscommunication has taken place. Tom and I have found that the best way to prevent this, even in our own relationship, is to repeat back to each other what we heard the other say. So many times conflict could be avoided by asking this simple question. We make assumptions, and they’re too often wrong.

Another good idea is to allow your spouse to communicate with their parents when it comes to difficult situations where emotions are high. For example, making plans for the holidays–who is going where, what to bring, how to exchange gifts, what time to arrive, etc. All topics such these are easier to discuss and find resolve when the parents are able to talk with their own son/daughter about it.

As Christians it is also a privilege to pray for our MIL and FIL.

Until our own children grow up and move away, we have no idea what it feels like to be in this season. Extending grace for words spoken abruptly comes easier when you’ve been praying for someone. Try to put yourself in their position, and maybe it will help ease the tension when you find it hard to relate.

We’ve heard so many varieties of ways couples have compromised in order to make both sides of the family happy. Some alternate between families for the holidays–one year at the husband’s side, the next year at the wife’s. Other’s celebrate Christmas a day early to allow the young family extended time with each side of the family.

But the holidays aren’t the only times when communication is needed.

If you live close it’s important to keep the lines of separation clear. The in-laws shouldn’t stop by anytime without asking, and this goes both ways. Showing common courtesy and respect will go a long way in keeping your relationships healthy.

But what about when your MIL or FIL chooses to cross the lines even after talking to them about it? This is an issue that your spouse needs to address, and I would suggest without you present. It’s easy for the MIL or FIL to blame the spouse for the problems, since none of this happened until they were involved. But this isn’t necessarily the case. A new marriage requires changes and the one who feels the changes in large part are the parents left behind. Don’t get angry when they do things you don’t like. This only complicates a difficult situation. Talk, talk and then talk some more. Be willing to ask the hard questions to come to complete understanding of where the other is coming from.

Ephesians 6:2-3 says,  “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” (English Standard Version)

What a privilege it is to help our spouse honor their parents by the way we love, pray and care for them.

In what ways has it been challenging for you to do this?

Recommended Resource:

The Mother-In-Law Dance, by Annie Chapman

Posted in Caring for Parents, Christian Marriage, Difficulty | Tagged , , , , , | Comments Off on Trials In Marriage – In-Law Relationships Part 2

Trials In Marriage – In-Law Relationships

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Debi Walter

IMG_0190

If you have difficulty with your in-laws I’m sure this post caught your attention. It doesn’t get discussed much on marriage blogs; not because it isn’t an issue, but because it is a huge issue to those who are struggling. Sometimes the things that are the most painful are the hardest to discuss.

Most often you hear of Mother-in-law against Daughter-in-law or vice versa. It has never been more accurately displayed than on the sitcom, Everybody Loves Raymond. It’s obvious that Ray is his mother’s favorite, and when Ray’s wife, Debra comes into the family, she doesn’t hold back her disdain. Nothing Debra does is good enough, and Marie doesn’t hold back in sharing her opinions either.

0

It’s sad, but true–we tend to joke about the things that are the most heart-breaking in our lives. This is a coping mechanism we use to help us deal with the pain. And the pain can be palpable.

When our children grow up our sons choose a woman who will become the leading female influence in his life. Up until this point his Mom had that role. There is a replacement that happens and many mothers aren’t ready to give up their influence. The same is true for Dads. When their daughters grow up and get married, her Dad is no longer the primary influence in her life. The Bible calls it “leaving and cleaving.” It sounds very poetic, but how it works out in each family is nothing at all like reading words that rhyme. If anything, it’s more like what is described in 1 Corinthians as a clanging gong or crashing cymbals–love is no where to be found, only discord.

As Christians we must choose to love our in-laws in a way that glorifies God, both our spouse’s parents and our children’s spouse.

Advice For The Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law

Deterrents to Peace in the Relationship:

Expectations – What are you expecting your relationship to look like with your son or daughter’s spouse? If your in-laws don’t meet your expectations there is sure to follow disappointment on many levels.

  • Did you son/daughter do things according to your preferences in choosing a spouse?
  • Do you approve of their choice, or had you hoped they would marry someone more compatible to your way of doing things?
  • Are you hoping you’ll share all holidays together with both sides of the family? Or are you hoping to have your kids to yourself on alternate holidays?
  • What about when the grandkids arrive? Will you be the favorite grandparent? Or will you find yourself second fiddle to the cooler, more relevant grandparent?
  • Will you be included as much as you hoped in their lives?

These are all important questions to consider, because if you don’t, they will come rolling in like a steamroller on your emotions.

Peace is possible, but it comes at a cost. We must be willing to die to ourselves and consider other’s more important than ourselves.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4 ESV

Relationships are hard work and this couldn’t be more true than when your family begins expanding through marriage. Different cultures and traditions often collide and compromises must be made. We must learn to hold our expectations loosely and allow our children to make their own decisions based on what’s best for their family, and that may or may not line up with our hopes or dreams. We must keep our opinions to ourselves unless asked. We must bridle our tongue to keep from interfering in a realm that’s not ours. And we must love our children enough to let them go and create a family of their own–independent from us.

Competition – Not only are we the in-laws to our child’s spouse, but their spouse’s parents are in-law’s to our child. This relationship between both sets of parents can also cause tension, especially when the way both families do things are in opposition to each other. This is seen most clearly when two different cultures marry. There may be a complete break down of understanding as to the meaning of long-standing family traditions.

When we allow ourselves to compare ourselves to others, especially with in-law relationships, it’s never good. This is a feast for our sinful pride–either we compare ourselves favorably and think we’re better, or we compare ourselves and fall short thinking we’re not good enough. Both thoughts are to be avoided.

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 18 And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. – James 3:16-18 ESV

Communication, communication, communication is KEY. In order to come to a place of understanding it requires a willingness on both sides to listen and to be heard. Both are crucial to finding a resolve. There is a natural awkwardness when a new marriage takes place. It makes things that were once no brainers, like how holidays are celebrated,  a huge crisis!

Our advice is to let your children make the decision based on what’s best for them.

It may not be the answer you were hoping to hear. You may be tempted to grumble and complain–but don’t! For the sake of your kids and the peace in your family keep your disappointments to yourself. Oh, you will fail at this from time to time, voicing your disappointment, but we must resist the temptation to pressure our kids into doing things our way. When we say more than we should, we must be quick to apologize and communicate our desire to let them make their own decisions.

No one ever said being an in-law would be easy. But it doesn’t have to be hugely difficult either, that is if we’re willing to let go of our preferences. Let’s be the kind of parents that our children’s spouse’s enjoy being around by being willing to take the hits of disappointments for the sake of peace.

In our next post we’ll address the relationships between son-in-law and daughter-in-laws to the spouse’s parents.

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, In-Laws | 6 Comments

Trials In Marriage – Chronic Illness

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Debi Walter

IMG_0190

Chronic Pain Or Illness.

When sickness hits your home it requires your complete attention until the crisis passes. But when the sickness goes on and on it can take a toll on your marriage. There are so many unknowns you have to deal with, e.g. Will my spouse recover? Does our child have a terminal condition? Not to mention the daily regimen of doctor appointments, administering medicine and scheduling for tests. It can be overwhelming to make it through one day. And when those days turn into weeks, which turn into months, your marriage can suffer.

We have experienced our share of health crisis in our marriage. One I’ll never forget is when Tom experienced debilitating back pain. He tried everything from cortisone shots to physical therapy. Nothing brought relief. It got so bad that he needed my help to get out of bed. When it was at it’s worse, he couldn’t sit at all! I had to drive him to work so he could lay down in the back seat. While at work he had to stand at his desk or kneel on his chair leaning over his desk. He even interviewed a new employee in this position. We laugh about it now, but at the time it was devastating.

Pain, chronic pain, makes you feel older than you are.

It makes you forget what it was like to feel good. It tempts you to believe you’ll never recover. And the spouse who must provide care during this season can grow weary, even unsympathetic.

It pains me to admit that there were many days when I didn’t want to hear Tom groan one more time. I just wanted life to be normal again. And then I felt guilty for having such an attitude, when Tom was the one suffering. I knew he didn’t ask for this. He didn’t want to be in pain, yet I was impatient, moody and (although I would have never admitted this at the time) angry.

I saw other couples enjoying date nights, planning family gatherings, and celebrating birthdays and it only elevated my discontent. Why did I having to go through this? Why couldn’t we be normal? When would this end?

Of course, Tom didn’t hear me complain.

I did what I knew was the right thing to do. I served him, I cared for him, I loved him, I listened to him and I prayed for him. Yet my heart was struggling. It’s in these moments when you realize how much you need God’s grace and mercy to endure suffering. And He always provides exactly what we need.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16 ESV

God used Tom’s sickness to deal with an area of my heart that needed attention. It’s easy to serve God and love your spouse when things are going well. But when sickness comes knocking on the door of your wedded bliss, it’s easy to want to run the other way. It reveals what’s hiding in your heart.

Some questions to ask when facing similar circumstances:

  • Do I truly love my spouse, or do I love the way they make my life better?
  • Do I count it a privilege to serve them in sickness, or do I wish they would just get over it?
  • Do I regard their needs as much as I regard my own?
  • Am I loving my spouse as Christ has loved me and laid down His life for me?
  • Or have I bought into the idea of loving only when it’s feels good.

Face it. Love isn’t a bed of roses. There are hard times, difficult times and many trials we must endure. But for those who push through they discover a rich treasure of intimacy they didn’t have before the trouble.

e038b90c23c311b54fab4e071ac2e085

If you, your spouse or a one of your children are in a season of chronic illness, we pray that you will discover the help and hope you need.

Suggested Resources:

Trusting God When Life Hurts, by Jerry Bridges

When God Weeps, by Joni Eareckson Tada

_____________________________________________

Don’t forget to enter our…

contest button

Posted in Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages | Comments Off on Trials In Marriage – Chronic Illness

Trials In Marriage – Homesickness And Letting Go

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Debi Walter

IMG_0190

When Tom and I got married I was only 19. I had never lived outside of my parent’s home much less my hometown of Orlando. I loved Central Florida, even with all the changes that had taken place with the arrival of the Mouse a few years earlier. But when I said yes to Tom’s proposal, I also said yes to living with him in Bradenton, FL., a small town on the west coast of Florida, which is south of Tampa. I was in love. I was excited for the adventure, but I had no concept of what these changes would look like in reality.

I can sum it up with one word–lonely.

I was lonely for the familiar because I didn’t know how to get anywhere. I didn’t know anyone except for Tom, and he worked 60+ hours at Gordon’s Jewelers as a General Manager. I didn’t have a job yet, and I didn’t have any friends. Oh, there were people who reached out to me, like Mrs. Layzell, an older woman who lived in our condo complex who took me under her wing and taught me how to bake pies and bread, something for which my family is grateful to this day. Pies became my signature dish, and my expertise in baking them was born during this lonely season of my life.

I remember telling Tom how I wished we could move. I wanted to feel at home in my marriage and Bradenton didn’t feel like home. We had passed through Miami on our honeymoon, and I didn’t care for the big city life idea at all. I told him I’d follow him anywhere, except Miami!

I quickly learned to be careful of what you say, for it may be the next trial. Sure enough, within 5 months of marriage Tom got a promotion, which included a transfer to Miami. He had to be there the next day, which happened to be my birthday. We called the moving company, and before I could say no, we were there.

Talk about living in an unfamiliar city–Miami felt like another country!

It wasn’t long before I got a job working for the parent company of the job I had in Orlando, which was a bit of familiar that helped me adjust. Each morning when I drove to work I had to get on the Florida Turnpike and pass the sign that said, “South-Miami, North-Orlando.” I can’t tell you how hard it was to go South each day, but I did, and we made some great memories in South Florida.

Homesickness has a way of eating away the joy in your soul.

If it isn’t dealt with you’ll soon have none. I know because this is what happened to me. What I didn’t know was God was teaching me a lesson I would relearn over and over in the years to come. It was the trial of letting go.

No matter what happens in all marriages one thing is certain–change is constant. Whether it’s changing jobs, changing locations, changing neighborhoods, friends moving away, children moving away, it happens and only those who embrace it with complete trust in God will find joy in the midst of the changes.

I’m sitting in a small cottage in TN awaiting the birth of our 8th grandchild. She is three days late, and a big change is about to take place in 2 year old Vito’s life. Right now he’s the baby of the family, but soon that will no longer be the case. He’ll have a little sister for the rest of his life, and it’s a good change. But it won’t be easy for him until he adjusts to the new norm.

Outside my window is a tree that is obviously not healthy. I know because one side of it has completely rotted away.

The other side is held up by a chain wrapped around the old dying part. I don’t know when the chain was added, but by the way it has cut into the bark of the tree, I would say it was put there when the other part of the tree was still in place. Maybe the owners were hoping to save the dying tree, maybe they didn’t want to let go of the inevitable. Whatever the reason the chain didn’t help, it only made things worse, leaving a permanent dent on the tree’s exterior.

  • What changes have you been forced to face in your marriage?
  • Have you embraced them whole-heartedly? Or…
  • Have you chained yourself to the old way hoping to keep things as they were?

I can tell you from experience–let go! Holding on to what was is no guarantee that the changes won’t happen anyway. Change will come and those who let go to embrace a new normal most often find a joy they didn’t know was possible.

The toll my resistance to change has put on our marriage has been palpable. I’m grateful for a husband who is used to change–he moved away from his hometown when he was in 10th grade to a new state. He willingly changed jobs to find better opportunities. His parents divorced when he was 18 which completely rocked his world. (Certainly this change wasn’t a positive in his life, but he became a Christian shortly after this trial.) He learned that change may seem bad when it happens but it can turn out better than you ever hoped. And this knowledge has helped me grow through many more changes–and there have been many.

Whether it’s homesickness you’re dealing with, or the changes wrought by the need to let go, be aware of how this can impact your marriage. Work together and help each other adjust to the changes. This is a huge part of growing and changing together as the years pass.

Resources:

Bittersweet, by Shauna Niequist

_____________________________________________

Don’t forget to enter our…

contest button

Posted in Christian Marriage | 2 Comments

Trials In Marriage – Confession of Sin

Posted on October 22, 2015 by Debi Walter

IMG_0190

I can think of no more difficult season in our marriage than when we both had to confess sins.

Some were against each other. Some were committed without the other knowing anything at all. Some happened before we were married. Yet God compelled us to come clean by confessing our sins, so that we might be restored.

On our wedding day we weren’t thinking about the reality that our “Prince Charming” or our “Beauty Queen” was actually a sinner saved by grace. When we said “I do” we were committing to being loving and faithful to each other even when sin sought to separate us.

“Marriage is the union of two people who arrive toting the luggage of life. And that luggage always contains sin.”
― Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say “I Do”: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage

The best way to combat sin is by exposing it; It likes to hide in the dark; It likes to keep secrets; It likes to divide.

But God has called us to be united in love. He did a miracle on our wedding day by taking two and making us one flesh. We believe this isn’t just a sweet metaphor, but an actual bonding that takes place in the spiritual realm that is consummated in the physical realm when we make love for the first time on our wedding night.

When we sin against our spouse in various ways, it requires complete honesty with the other to make things right.

This is never easy because the confession will bring with it pain and hurt to the unsuspecting spouse. You know things will get worse before they get better, but this is true with so many other areas of life–i.e. surgery, dental procedures, etc. The pain is part of the cure.

I remember when Tom and I went through this for the first time. It was during our third year of marriage and I was pregnant with our first child. We were at a place in our relationship where we were either going to grow more intimate by being gut-level honest or grow more distant by hiding from being truly known. Intimacy is born through honest communication. I’m grateful that God led us to be honest. He ordered our steps–the hard ones that we thought were out of control at the time–so that we would come to a place of deeper intimacy.

When there is unconfessed sin in a relationship, it usually begins with conflict that is unexplainable.

You get into an argument over something that seems like nothing and you’re left shaking your head saying, “What just happened?”

“Blame-shifting is what I do when I basically know I’m guilty and am just trying to convince myself or someone else that maybe I’m not.”  – Dave Harvey

This is often an indicator of a guilty conscience. Sin likes to build smoke screens to distract the other spouse from discovering it. Our encouragement to any marriage going through similar circumstances is to pray. God is our Good Shepherd, and He knows all the hidden things. Ask Him to help you love your spouse when things don’t seem to be going well. Ask Him to reveal any hidden sin, and ask your spouse the hard questions too.

It’s important to know that your spouse is committed to the marriage no matter how difficult the trial. When Tom and I married we both said that divorce would never be an option. When we faced trouble we knew we had to work it through or be miserable. It is this conviction that helped us stay the course when many others would have chosen to quit.

And you know what? We discovered that on the other side of confessed and repented sin is a deeper intimacy.

Our love grew and matured. It was no longer us grasping for a happy ending fairy tale, but we were experiencing real love worked out through real pain.

Have you experienced a similar time in your marriage? If so, you know what we’re talking about. Maybe you’re in the midst of the pain and trying to figure out what is happening. Don’t let yourself buy into the lie that you’re the only one who has ever gone through this. Any Christian couple who has been married for decades most likely has stories of seasons where they had to confess sins to their spouse. The enemy would love you to believe you’re the only one. He would love for you to question why you should stay in such a relationship. But please, lean into your spouse! The intimacy that follows confession is worth the pain it takes to get there.

(NOTE: If you’re in an abusive relationship, please get outside help. No one should ever endure such treatment.)

Resources:

When Sinners Say I Do, by Dave Harvey

What Should I Tell My Spouse About My Sexual Sin?, CCEF

d91d0ea5be1bddd8c7f2a12781ce7954

  • When there is unconfessed sin in a relationship, it usually begins with conflict that is unexplainable. http://wp.me/ptlJr-31v
  • “Marriage is the union of two people who arrive toting the luggage of life. And it always contains sin.” Dave Harvey http://wp.me/ptlJr-31v
  • It’s important to know that your spouse is committed to the marriage no matter how difficult the trial. http://wp.me/ptlJr-31v
  • Don’t let yourself buy into the lie that you’re the only one who has ever gone through this. 
  • When we sin against our spouse in various ways, it requires complete honesty with the other to make things right. http://wp.me/ptlJr-31v
  • Our love was no longer a happy ending fairy tale, but we were experiencing real love worked out through real pain. 

_____________________________________________

Don’t forget to enter our…

contest button

Posted in Christian Marriage | 2 Comments

Trials In Marriage – Job Loss

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Debi Walter

IMG_0190

This is an area we had never experienced, until five years ago.

It was my birthday. Tom had left for work like all the other days of his career. When he called me at 9:30a it was no surprise, since he calls me often when he has a break. But this time was different.

“Hey. I’m calling to tell you I’m on my way home.”

“Really? How come?”

“They let me go.”

<<silence>>

What ensued was a roller coaster of emotions that neither of us expected. 

We had owned our own business for twelve years, and Tom had worked at the same company for sixteen years before that. When we sold our business to a large international corporation we knew his time with the company would be for a season. It had been 2 and a half years, and neither of us expected the news on this day and in this way.

He still had 2 and a half years to go on his non-compete clause, which meant he couldn’t work in the same industry until then. What was he to do?

We didn’t know the answer to that question, so we planned a trip away to the mountains to pray and seek the Lord’s direction. It was a difficult time for us and one we had never experienced. But God was faithful to lead us and direct us as His Word promises.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV)

Thankfully, we didn’t have small children at home to feed. We didn’t have debt making the situation more stressful, but we did have questions–lots of questions.

The most difficult part for Tom was no longer working at the job he had loved for the past 30+ years. He didn’t realize how much he identified himself by his work until it no longer applied. He was challenged to change how he thought about himself, and it was good for him–for us, but it was so.very.hard!

Job loss has a way of punching you in the gut while you’re looking the other way. It takes your breath away and it’s hard to recover. We have a strong marriage, but this challenged us on a level we had never experienced. Neither of us knew what to say or how to fix the unknowns. But thankfully we both knew the One who did.

God always answers our prayers with one of three answers:

  1. Yes.
  2. No.
  3. Wait!

We were experiencing the waiting, and it wasn’t an easy time for us. There was nothing Tom could do to fix it. There was nothing I could say to help. All we could do was…wait.

It’s often in the waiting when flaws are discovered in our character, in our faith and in our hope. But God doesn’t leave us to wait alone. He comes along side us like a faithful Shepherd and shows us what He wants us to see. It’s never wasted. If we’re knocking and seeking we will find HIM.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. 9 Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? 11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” – Matthew 7:7-11 ESV

Charles Spurgeon has said:

“Stand still” – keep the posture of an upright man, ready for action, expecting further orders, cheerfully and patiently awaiting the directing voice; and it will not be long ere God shall say to you, as distinctly as Moses said it to the people of Israel, “Go forward.” 

If the Lord Jehovah makes us wait, let us do so with our whole hearts; for blessed are all they that wait for Him. He is worth waiting for. The waiting itself is beneficial to us: it tries faith, exercises patience, trains submission, and endears the blessing when it comes. The Lord’s people have always been a waiting people- Charles Spurgeon

Read more: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/25-great-waiting-quotes/#ixzz3p283gRwM

Tom is no longer unemployed. His non-compete was up last December, and he is back in the industry he loves. But he isn’t the same. God used his job loss to help him grow in his dependence on God. And today we thank God for this trial we’ve experienced together.

How has job loss impacted your marriage? 

Helpful Resources:

_____________________________________________

Don’t forget to enter our…

contest button

Posted in Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Encouraging Your Spouse, Seasons of Life | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

Trials In Marriage – Miscarriage: A Hope Deferred

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Debi Walter

  
After 2 years of marriage we decided we were ready to start a family. When my pregnancy test came back positive we couldn’t have been more excited. So much so that we announced it to the world!! And this, before social media, was quite the fete!

A week later Tom had to go on a business trip to Tampa and asked me to go along with him. I was looking forward to the time away to relax and soak in God’s blessing on our lives.

The hotel where Tom’s meetings were being held didn’t have any rooms available, so we ended up at another hotel a few miles away. I had no idea how this one detail would impact me the next morning. I’m thankful Tom happened to mention the name of the place where he would be.

The next morning Tom left quietly so as not to wake me up. When I finally got out of bed I realized something was terribly wrong with my pregnancy. I panicked and called Tom who immediately came and took me to the hospital.

We ended up losing our first baby to miscarriage, and we were heart broken.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12 ESV

 I didn’t realize the waves of emotion that were about to sweep over me–but come they did and I wasn’t prepared for the questions:

  • Would I ever be able to have children?
  • What if something is terribly wrong with me?
  • How do I face all the people we’ve told?

It was a dark night of my soul and I didn’t think anyone could understand what I was facing.

Grief is like that. It tries to isolate you and tell you you’re the only one who has ever faced such a trial. I knew that wasn’t true, but my emotions didn’t stop trying to convince me otherwise. I didn’t know anyone who had experienced a miscarriage–at least I didn’t know I did.

One by one friends began sharing with me their stories. Women whom I had no idea had gone through the same loss. Their stories helped me realize I wasn’t the only one, and this one miscarriage certainly didn’t guarantee my infertility. They had children. Life had continued on for them, so I started hoping it would be the same for us.

I’m not sure why God has brought this all back to my memory 34 years later. Maybe it’s because I know of two young couples facing similar losses. One, it’s their first baby. The other it’s their third, but no less difficult to face. Maybe it’s because we’re awaiting the birth of our eighth grandchild who is the fourth baby of my son and daughter-in-love.

God is the Giver of life and He’s also the Taker of life. He has already chosen the days marked out for us even before one of them has begun. And I have learned that He can be trusted, even when I don’t understand.

Pain is difficult. 

When both of you are grieving at the same time it’s important to have friends who can help you and be there with you as you grasp for hope in God.

But know this…God will supply for every need in every season of your marriage. Encourage others when they are in need so you too will find the comfort you need when faced with trials on every side.

If you have a story you would like to share of how God helped your marriage through a dark season, please email us at theromanticvineyard (at) gmail (dot) com. We will keep your names confidential, but let’s make much of what God has done for the encouragement of others. Thanks!

Resources:

Walking Through The Dark Valley Of Miscarriage

Posted in Christian Marriage | 1 Comment

Looking Back Helps Us Look Forward

Posted on October 10, 2015 by Debi Walter

Unique-Wedding-Vows

I love going to weddings. As I witness the wedding vows I pray for the bride and groom that God will help them through all the days to come–days that will be “worse” and “poorer”; days when they’ll face times of “sickness”. They have no idea what is waiting for them at the end of the aisle as they leave the church. But God, who is rich in mercy knows what is to come. He is what allows us to walk confidently into the unknown future full of faith that He will help us through each and every challenge.

I like to reflect back on what I was thinking and feeling on my own wedding day so long ago. I had an idealistic view, for sure. I was only 19 years old for goodness sake, but I had faith that God had led Tom and me together and He would see us through whatever circumstances came our way.

And He has.

This is my confidence as I pray for the newlywed couple. He is faithful to complete the work He’s begun in both of them, as He has been faithful with us.

I’m feeling a bit nostalgic today.

Family

Maybe it’s because my daughter and her husband have been here for the past 8 days along with their four children. I’m amazed at how God has blessed them and cared for them these past 10 years. They had no idea where God would lead them, but He has used all of the changes they’ve faced to make their marriage stronger.

In two days we’ll head to Tennessee to spend the rest of October with our son and his wife as they await the arrival of their newest baby–a girl. That’ll make four for them in their first 10 years of marriage as well. God has been good to them in so many tangible ways. And what I love most about watching our children grow their families for God’s glory, is how they are growing more in love with each other. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s all been good.

You have no idea of how the choices you are making today in your marriage will impact the choices your children will make in the future. They are learning from your example, and we pray it’s one they will want to emulate.

You may think you have lots of time before you have to think about such weighty matters, but time goes quicker than you know.

d91d0ea5be1bddd8c7f2a12781ce7954

  • You have no idea how the choices you’re making today in your marriage will impact the choices your children will make in the future.
  • Because of God we can walk confidently into the unknown future full of faith that He will help us through each and every challenge.
  • God is faithful to complete the work He’s begun in you as He has been faithful with us.

_____________________________________________

Don’t forget to enter our…

contest button

 

Posted in Christian Marriage | 1 Comment

When Communication Breaks Down In Marriage

Posted on September 29, 2015 by Debi Walter

Screen Shot 2015-09-29 at 10.41.38 AM

I have a feeling that if you’ve been married for any length of time that you know exactly what I’m talking about with this title –>When Communication Breaks Down.

It happens. And how you handle it reveals whether you’re on the road to Maturity or flying down the road marked Selfishness in the wrong direction. A crash is sure to occur unless you do something drastic to change your course.

Communication is an area of marriage in which one never arrives completely.

You may think you’re doing well, and then one misunderstanding happens and it seems you’re back to square one, shaking your head and tempted to be upset. The situation can escalate when you think you should be better than this.

How do you navigate such a difficult, bumpy road?

  1. Watch your tone of voice. (I’m more prone to this than Tom is.) Whenever Tom and I are in a communication breakdown, it’s easy to get frustrated that we don’t understand each other.  If he doesn’t get what I’m trying to explain, I tend to say ‘forget it’, rather than press through the situation. And if I do press through I will most likely let my tone show my frustration.
  2. Be patient. When I see something clearly, and I can’t seem to get Tom to see it as I do, I’m immediately tempted to get mad at him. This is real life, folks. Just because we’ve been married 36 years it doesn’t mean we’ve arrived at a level of communication where there are no more bumps on this road called marriage.
  3. Don’t give up. Sometimes it feels easier to walk away with a “just forget it” attitude than to do the hard work necessary to understand each other. But this isn’t a good choice. It sets you up to hold a grudge–one you may not realize you have until the next time there’s a miscommunication.
  4. Choose the humble road. God has promised to always give us a way of escape when it comes to temptation. Conflict in marriage is no exception. The sad thing is it’s not an easy choice to make; when the temperature is rising it’s much easier to allow yourself to explode than to step back and cool your jets, so to speak.

The inspiration for this post sadly came from an incident that just happened.

I was trying to log into Tom’s laptop and couldn’t get it to work the way I wanted it to. When I tried to explain my dilemma to Tom, he didn’t get why I was struggling. Rather than explain it to him, I chose to say, “never mind” in frustration. When I started to write this post, I knew exactly what I needed to share.

Marriage is a never-ending road to growing in maturity. We will stumble. We will say things we regret. We will apologize and ask forgiveness and try again. Know that on the other side of such conflicts we learn how to do it better next time. We grow in our understanding of each other and hopefully choose to take the above steps the next time it happens.

If you’re in the midst of a communication break down, please don’t let it fester. Go after it together and don’t stop until you reach a place of understanding and resolve. Your marriage is worth it!

 _____________________________________________

Don’t forget to enter our…

contest button

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict | Tagged | 10 Comments

A Fall Bucket List For Two – Engaged Marriage

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Debi Walter

Screen Shot 2015-09-16 at 10.49.41 AM Screen Shot 2015-09-16 at 10.49.54 AM

Engaged Marriage – Dustin has been hosting this marriage blog for years, and he has quite the tools to help your marriage grow stronger. I am grateful for the opportunity he’s given me to be a regular guest blogger on his site–posting the 2nd Monday of each month on the topic of Romance In Marriage.

My latest post deals with my favorite season for romance–Fall. 

We’ve all heard of and may even have a bucket list. The idea stems from the movie of the same name and provides encouragement to be intentional in making the things you hope will happen in your lifetime a reality.

It’s no surprise that we need to be intentional in romancing our spouse as well. This is by far my favorite topic when it comes to writing about marriage.

Living in Florida we look forward to Fall more than any other season of the year. I think it’s because we get so tired of the heat and humidity that we’re ready for a change.

Maybe your marriage has been enduring some heat and humidity of its own. Maybe you need to look forward to some fresh Fall romance amid the cool Autumn breezes? Well, look no further…(continue reading…Make Your Own Fall Bucket List For Two)

And following are some of my other posts on the Engaged Marriage site. 

_____________________________________________

Don’t forget to enter our…

contest button

Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Date Night Ideas, Dating Your Spouse, Fun Dates, I.Heart.List, Romance, Romance in Marriage, Romantic Ideas | Tagged , , | Comments Off on A Fall Bucket List For Two – Engaged Marriage

Is Your Husband A Liar? – Hot, Holy and Humorous

Posted on September 21, 2015 by Debi Walter

Screen Shot 2015-09-16 at 10.35.40 AM

Screen Shot 2015-09-16 at 10.37.41 AM

Hot, Holy and Humorous – J Parker asked if I would share a post in her series for the month of September about what it means to be Beautiful. She gave several marriage bloggers a wide open topic for us to zoom in on from our perspective. I immediately thought of how many wives disregard their husband’s opinion of how they see them because in their eyes they don’t look beautiful. I pray this post will encourage you to believe your husband when he tells you you’re beautiful…

Is your husband a liar?

I’m sure most of us would answer this question with an emphatic, NO! However, many of us treat them as if they are. It’s true that most husbands see their wives as beautiful, yet we roll our eyes when they compliment us, or say, “Yeah, but…” pointing out the flaws we see staring back at us in the mirror.

I was thinking about this attitude recently and wondering why it is so common for wives to think their husbands aren’t telling the truth when it comes to how they see them. It has to be discouraging to our man to hear his compliments so quickly disregarded on a regular basis. It’s a wonder he doesn’t stop all together!

It’s led me to ask God why we do this? Why are we so quick to dispute with our husband on something they see as good?

I believe there are three reasons: Continue reading…Is Your Husband A Liar?

Screen Shot 2015-09-16 at 10.37.23 AM

_____________________________________________

Don’t forget to enter our…

contest button

Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Encouraging Your Spouse, Growing Strong Marriages, Perspective in Marriage, Wives | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Is Your Husband A Liar? – Hot, Holy and Humorous

Happy Hour

Posted on September 18, 2015 by Debi Walter

happy_hour_logo_cropped2

This week we’re featuring one blog for our Happy Hour Special. If you live in Orlando, you will love this resource. If you’re visiting Central Florida, this will help you enjoy more of The City Beautiful than Disney can provide. Happy Dating…

Screen Shot 2015-09-17 at 4.21.39 PM

Orlando Date Night Guide>>A great resource for our local readers. Below are a few of their more recent posts. Orlando is a great place for romance–check it out!

_____________________________________________

Don’t forget to enter our…

contest button

Posted in Blog Love, Cheap Dates, Date Night Ideas, Fall Date Ideas, Free Dates, Happy Hour | Tagged | Comments Off on Happy Hour

Is Menopause Destroying Sex In Your Marriage? – Intimacy In Marriage

Posted on September 18, 2015 by Debi Walter

Screen Shot 2015-09-16 at 10.24.44 AM Screen Shot 2015-09-16 at 10.24.58 AM

Intimacy In Marriage – My dear friend, Julie, is running a series on Thursdays about the difficulties marriages face that can have an adverse effect on our sexual intimacy. Here are some of the titles to other posts in this series:

  • Are Skewed Beliefs Destroying Sex In Your Marriage?
  • Is Porn Destroying Sex In Your Marriage?
  • Is Unforgiveness Destroying Sex In Your Marriage?
  • Are Financial Struggles Destroying Sex In Your Marriage?

She asked if I would post about the effect of menopause on sex, which I was happy to do. It’s a door all women will walk through at some point in their marriage, and it’s good to be prepared. Thank you, Julie, for the opportunity to sound such a needed alarm.

Before I begin, may I encourage all of you who are in your 20s and 30s to not check out of reading this because you think it doesn’t apply to you.

menopause effect on sexI’ve researched and written this post primarily with you in mind. Promise to read it? Ok, good. Thank you!

When Julie asked us to contribute to her guest blog series on things that take a toll on sex in marriage, I knew I had to approach the topic of Sex and Menopause and Perimenopause (PM).

Having gone through this myself (I’m 56), I only had my limited experience and a few friends I’ve talk to from which to glean. This is why I decided to ask readers through a 10-question survey about this apparently much-needed topic.

I also solicited the help from the CMBA marriage bloggers I know and asked them to alert their readers of the survey as well. I am pleased with the response. If you participated, thank you!

First, let me say, menopause is a mystery to most couples, even when you’re going through it.

Desires that once were a given, may no longer be on the radar screen. For those who have yet to experience it, you most likely don’t care to think about “that stage” of life. You’re too busy raising a family for goodness sakes.

I get that.

Second, everyone is different when it comes to how they’ll go through the “change of life,” as my parent’s generation called it.

After reading nearly 200 respondents answers to my survey, I understand why they gave it that name; It can change your life in ways you never thought would happen- – not to you anyway.

Finally, whatever difficulty you’ve had with your sexual intimacy and in your marriage for that matter, will be magnified during this season. This is why if you’re young and reading this, please, please work hard to keep the lines of communication open through all that you face together.

Holding back out of fear, shame or pride will only make things worse as the years pass. The pain you experience now in facing it won’t compare to the pain many of the couples shared who are facing menopause and unable to connect with their spouse in an understanding way…(continue reading: Is Menopause Destroying Sex In Your Marriage?)

_____________________________________________

Don’t forget to enter our…

contest button

 

 

Posted in Aging, Christian Marriage, communication, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Seasons of Life, Sexual Intimacy | Tagged , | Comments Off on Is Menopause Destroying Sex In Your Marriage? – Intimacy In Marriage

Beware Of Critical Judgments – Delight Your Marriage

Posted on September 16, 2015 by Debi Walter

Screen Shot 2015-09-15 at 5.28.06 PM

It’s an honor when given a voice on someone else’s website, and I don’t take such opportunities lightly. In fact, I think I spend more time preparing for those posts than I do posting here. I suppose it’s a lot like having guests in your home compared to a family dinner. We tend to go above and beyond when we’re having company, but are more relaxed when it comes to being with family.

The past few weeks have been full of guest post opportunities, and we wanted to make sure you didn’t miss them. Consequently, over the next few days we’re going to link up with each one and introduce you to their website, in case you haven’t had a chance to check them out yourself.

Today meet Belah Rose (not her real name), with the Delight Your Marriage Podcast.

Belah interviews women to glean insight into the lessons learned when facing difficulties in their marriage. It can be on a wide variety of topics, but she spends a lot of time encouraging wives to enjoy their sexual intimacy with their spouse. I’m grateful for the opportunity she provided me to share with her listeners about some things I’ve learned in the past 36 years of marriage. She split the interview into two separate podcasts. We encourage you to have a listen when you have some spare time. She does a great job with the questions. And while you’re there, sign up to receive notification when a new podcast is available. Thanks!

critical judgment

_____________________________________________

Don’t forget to enter our…

contest button

Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Conflict, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Beware Of Critical Judgments – Delight Your Marriage

I Wish To Dedicate This Song To…(Our New Contest)

Posted on September 10, 2015 by Debi Walter

51HHrwLq4gL._SY300_

When I was growing up it was a big deal to call into the local radio station and dedicate a song to someone special. I would listen and be enthralled with the stories of love my pre-teen heart craved to experience. I think I even tried calling in a time or two, but never got through. I can only imagine what I would have said had I actually heard the words, “Hello, you’re on the air!”

Sleepless in Seattle is a story of romance that begins with a call to a national radio program, which provides the hook to this compelling love story between Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan–two of my favorite actors.

There’s something about hearing a love song dedicated to someone specific that draws us into the story. We want to celebrate, laugh, cry or empathize with them.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about check out the following video by David Mercer, a radio host who is saying goodbye to his broadcast audience of 16 1/2 years. As his final song he shares a dedication his wife sent in to him for this “end of an era” in his life. She does a great job honoring him for a job well done.

If you had the opportunity to dedicate a song to your spouse, what would you say? What song would you choose?

This is the perfect segue to announce our 7th  Blogiversary Contest–

contest button

Love Song Dedication To My Spouse Contest. 

CONTEST RULES:

  1. Write or video what you would want the radio host to read to your spouse on the air (max 200 words).
  2. Include the link to the love song and artist you would want to play following your dedication.
  3. Be as creative as you’d like–extra points for those who go above and beyond in entering this contest.
  4. E-mail your entry to us at theromanticvineyard(at)gmail(dot)com no later than October 31st.
  5. Entrants must be married or engaged and must include their name, city, number of years married or date of their wedding and their e-mail address. (e-mail will be kept confidential).
  6. When entering you authorize us to publish your name, number of years married and your dedication on The Romantic Vineyard’s website. (City and e-mail address will not be published.)
  7. 5 Finalist will be selected based on creativity, story shared and song selected. The finalists will be determined solely by our discretion and will be announced on November 7th where our readers will have a chance to vote for their favorite.
  8. The Grand Prize winner will be announced on our blogiversary–November 12th.

The Grand Prize winner will receive a $50 Amazon gift card or one to their favorite restaurant for a date night on us.

In closing we want to dedicate this song to you–our friends who have helped The Romantic Vineyard be what it is today. We thank God for you and for your desire to make your marriage the best it can be. Marriage is hard work, and those who persevere through the mine fields of miscommunication, conflict, past sins and abuses, discover how much sweeter it is on the other side of the trouble. After 36 years we testify that it’s worth every heartache and tear shed to still be dancing in the mine fields…

Screen Shot 2015-09-16 at 11.08.06 AM

Posted in Christian Marriage, Contests, Love Song Dedication To My Spouse, Music | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on I Wish To Dedicate This Song To…(Our New Contest)

You Never Know When It Will Happen…

Posted on September 4, 2015 by Debi Walter

Screen Shot 2015-09-04 at 12.40.26 PM

I have a dear friend who called this morning to tell me that her cousin and her husband were killed in a tragic car accident involving an elderly man who was driving the wrong way on the Interstate. She is in shock and so are a lot more people. Why? Because this couple were avid marriage advocates. They have a website devoted to helping marriages not only last, but thrive. They provide videos and all kinds of ways to encourage healthy marriages–such an inspiration.

Their ministry is called Hope Filled Marriage.

I clicked over to their blog to see what there last post was about, and it took my breath away. The title is: We Were Driving In The Car And… At first I thought, someone else must have written this final post about what happened, but it was posted in May. Terri shares about a conversation/conflict they had while driving in the car. They had no idea that this post would be prophetic in nature.

But here we are, four months later and they are no longer here, yet their story and ministry remain. In an effort to keep their ministry going, a foundation has been set up in their name. You can support them by purchasing a T-Shirt that says, “I will take the baton, I will run my lap.”

It made me consider once again that none of us have guarantees of living to old age. Even if we’re healthy and all is going well, we could be hours away from “till death do us part.” What kind of legacy would your marriage leave behind? If your answer isn’t one you would want, then thank God there is still time. Make the most of today, because tomorrow may be too late.

Please join us in praying for the friends and family who are grieving their loss. Their son was just married a couple of weeks before the accident, they will need the love and prayers of all of us in the days and weeks ahead.

 

Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Death and Grieving, Seasons of Life | 2 Comments

Biblical Love Language

Posted on August 27, 2015 by Debi Walter

photo-1428865798880-73444f4cbefc

We’ve heard so much about the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and it is a good book. But there are reasons it falls short to some degree. 

First of all, when we place expectations on our spouse to love us the way we want to be loved, our focus is in the wrong place–ourselves! Instead our attention must be on loving our spouse and giving 100% to the marriage to bless them.

Secondly, when our spouse makes efforts to express love to us, but it isn’t “my love language”, it’s easy to jump to the unfair conclusion that my spouse just doesn’t get me. Those thoughts are also focused in the wrong place–ME!

Thirdly, the love languages are meant to be a helpful tool, not the 5th gospel of the Word of God. Use it only as a means to study your spouse and to help you love them in more meaningful ways, but don’t use it to judge your spouse’s efforts.

Finally, focus on loving your spouse using the highest love language of all–The Biblical Love Language. Not sure what that is? It’s loving our spouse in the same way God through Christ has loved us. It’s not self-focused, but rather focused on doing all we can to express the fruits of the Spirit towards our mate: love, joy peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I’m certain that if you love your spouse in this way, with a heart to glorify God, your marriage will grow stronger and your love will grow sweeter as the years pass.

Read the following verses evaluating how well you’re loving your spouse speaking this eternal love language:

  • John 15:12 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you.”
  • 1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”
  • Luke 6:31 “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.”
  • Galations 5:22 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

d91d0ea5be1bddd8c7f2a12781ce7954 

*Focus on loving your spouse using the highest love language of all–The Biblical Love Language found in Galations 5:22-23

*If you love your spouse with a heart to glorify God, your marriage will grow stronger and sweeter as the years pass.

*When we place expectations on our spouse to love us the way we want to be loved, our focus is in the wrong place-ME.

*When my spouse expresses love to me, but it isn’t my love language, it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that my spouse just doesn’t get me.

*The love languages are meant to be a helpful tool, not the 5th gospel of the Word of God. Use it only as a means to study your spouse.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Fruits of the Spirit, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged | 3 Comments

Happy Hour

Posted on August 21, 2015 by Debi Walter

happy_hour_logo_cropped2

What better way to spend your weekend then investing in great blogs offering sound, biblical advice and help for your marriage. This is why we call it “Happy Hour”. Cheers!

Hot, Holy and Humorous

Live Your Best Marriage

  • Are You “Hearing” Your Spouse?<<This is the first time we’ve highlighting this blog, but you’ll see that Whitney has a much needed message. Communication is all that is needed–it’s a two way street requiring speaking as well as listening.

Marriage Missions International

  • Tucking Away Good Memories<<Have you ever felt like you had a kindred spirit, one who thinks and talks like you? Well, Cindy Wright is just that friend to me. This post is a prime example of how our lives, though lived far apart, are very similar.

The Generous Husband

The Generous Wife

  • Make It Positive<<Oh, I love this reminder. We all need it when life comes crashing in and we forget to set a guard at our mouth. It matters how we say things.
  • Dream Come True<<We are so excited for this new chapter in Paul and Lori’s life. If you aren’t aware of their new adventure, don’t miss this post. They need your prayers and financial support if you’re able.
Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Happy Hour | 3 Comments

A Slice Of Our Life–At Home, At Church And In Our Ministry

Posted on August 17, 2015 by Debi Walter

I love to bake pies. It’s something I’ve done since we were first married in 1979 due to the kindness of an older woman who lived in our condo complex. She took me under her wing and taught me how to bake all sorts of homemade treats. Pie is by far my favorite, and my family is grateful!

Today I’ll be baking Tom’s favorite, a Triple Cherry Pie, for his birthday (which is tomorrow btw). On a side note: I’d love it if you would be so kind as to leave a birthday wish for him in the comments that I can share with him tomorrow night. 🙂 

A pie looks great as a whole, but the true quality of the pie is revealed when you slice the first piece.

Photo Credit: OKC.net

Photo Credit: OKC.net

If it’s too runny, the filling spills out the sides. If it’s too thick the filling is sticky or worse–gummy. But when you get it right there’s nothing like it! I wish we could have you all over to celebrate Tom’s special day and have some pie with us, but I’m afraid that’s not possible. However, I can share with you a slice of something else–our life.

What We’ve Been Up To…

In Our Home:

As you may or may not remember, our youngest daughter moved into her own apartment in May thrusting us into the empty nest stage of life. With all the changes we’ve been through lately–our two older kids and all our grandchildren moving away–I thought entering into this season would be sad for me, but it hasn’t been at all! I’m so happy for our daughter to launch out on her own and see what God has in store for her life. And I’m loving having my husband and our home all to ourselves. It’s wonderful!

We’ve been busy putting in new carpet, redecorating bedrooms, setting up a home office for Tom (something he’s always wanted, but never had the space to do), throwing away junk, giving away items in good condition that we no longer need, and repurposing other things. It’s been freeing and refreshing, not to mention so much fun!

In Our Church:

We’re on our fourth month of hosting a small group in our home for the purpose of mentoring marriages. We have six couples in the group, including our pastor and his wife, and it’s been a wonderful time of growth and encouragement for all involved, including us! The plan is for this group to meet for six months and then start up another group for six months. We’re hoping to keep doing this as long as the Lord leads and for all the marriages in our church to be reached and encouraged wherever they are on this journey. The hardest part will be ending it; We have come to love and care deeply for these couples.

In Our Marriage Ministry:

I was recently interviewed by Belah Rose of the Delight Your Marriage podcast. She reached out to see if I’d be willing to share with her and all who might listen some things God has taught us in our 36 years of marriage. I love telling the stories of what God has done, because I know if He’s done it for us, then He can do it for others. God loves to take two lives and teach them how to live together as one flesh.

Screen Shot 2015-08-17 at 9.11.47 AM

There are actually two 30 minute podcasts, and I’ve provided the links for your convenience. I’d love it if you could take some time and listen to them, and I know Belah would be grateful as well.

Thanks so much!

Delight Your Marriage podcast: Beware Of Critical Judgements

Delight Your Marriage podcast: Don’t Waste Your Hardships

 

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Open Nest, Seasons of Life, Slices, Wisdom in Marriage | 4 Comments

Considering This Question Could Change Your Marriage–What Identifies You?

Posted on August 15, 2015 by Debi Walter

Screen Shot 2015-08-15 at 9.44.43 AM

I’ve been thinking about my identity in Christ and how it informs the way I treat my husband. When I have my focus upward and not inward I tend to see difficulties and conflict in a way that places God’s glory first and my preferences second. When I have my focus on myself and what I think I deserve then all kinds of dissensions arise.

Paul Tripp in his book, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, states:

“A large part of the biblical story is about identity. It reveals the wrong reactions that come when we forget who we are, as well as the godly responses that come with remembering. Adam and Eve listened to the serpent, bought into his lies, and ate the forbidden fruit because they forgot their true identity. They were God’s creatures, intended to live within the boundaries God had designed for them.

…Moses led the children of Israel through the Red Sea, with walls of water on either side, because he remembered who he was…

…Who you tell yourself you are has a very powerful impact on the way you deal with the big and small issues of daily life. In the same way, where you find your identity will have everything to do with how you respond to the hard work of relationships with others. Either I get my identity vertically, out of my sense of who God is and who He has made me in Christ, or I will seek to get my identity horizontally, out of my circumstances, relationships, and successes.” (pg. 58-59)

As you can see when we choose to listen to the voices that tell us we deserve better, that we shouldn’t have to serve or lay down our lives for our spouse, that we should have never married in the first place, we are forgetting this important fact and missing the one thing necessary to take our marriage to a lasting place of safety and trust.

Christ laid His life down for us when we were at our worst.

When He asks us to do the same in our marriage, He doesn’t leave us to ourselves to do it. He is the Good Shepherd who has promised to walk with us through the valleys, through the difficulty, and give us His love, His compassion to love our spouse beyond our natural ability to do so. This circumvents our past experiences and helps us rise above our emotions. It takes us to a deeper level of love and care.

When we live out of a sense of who we are in Christ, we live our lives based on all we have been given by Christ. This keeps us from seeking to get those things from the people and situations around us…In almost thirty years of counseling, I have talked with countless women in difficult marriages who said, ‘All I ever wanted was for my husband to make me happy.’ My first thought is invariably, Well, then, he’s cooked!

No human being was ever meant to be the source of personal joy and contentment for someone else. And surely, no sinner is ever going to be able to pull that off day after day in the all-encompassing relationship of marriage! Your spouse, your friends, and your children cannot be the sources of your identity. When you seek to define who you are through those relationships, you are actually asking another sinner to be your personal messiah, to give you the inward rest of soul that only God can give.

If you’ve been doing this to your spouse, you most likely are not satisfied with the way they are right now.

How do I know? Because we married imperfect sinners saved by grace.  They haven’t arrived in the perfection department and they won’t in this life. When God the Father looks at us He sees us clothed with the righteousness of Christ. If we are viewing our spouse based on this fact we will be more likely to do what 1 Peter 4:8 says: “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” (ESV)

I can only love my husband earnestly because I’m aware daily of the love Christ has for me and for him.

Tom is God’s son, and my brother in Christ, and we serve and love Him together. Knowing this helps inform my disappointments when he doesn’t do something I want or act in a way I had hoped. I’m not dependent on Tom for my joy or happiness–although God allows him to be a big part of what brings me joy and happiness in this life.

How about you? Are you expecting too much from your spouse? Are you currently disappointed or tempted to believe you missed God’s will? I encourage you to do an identity check in your own heart. It may be the problem is vertical, and not horizontal.

Tweet this:

  • Considering this question could change your #marriage–What identifies you?
  • When I have my focus on myself and what I think I deserve then all kinds of dissensions arise.
  • When I have my focus upward and not inward I tend to see difficulties in a way that places God’s glory first and my preferences second.
  • Christ laid His life down for us at our worst. When He asks us to do the same in our #marriage, He doesn’t leave us to ourselves to do it.
  • I can only love my husband earnestly because I’m aware daily of the love Christ has for me and for him.
Posted in Christian Marriage | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Considering This Question Could Change Your Marriage–What Identifies You?