Vintage Post – The Guilt Caused By Marriage Blogs

Posted on April 22, 2016 by Debi Walter

originally posted on July 14, 2014

originally posted on July 14, 2014

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When Tom and I first started The Romantic Vineyard there weren’t many marriage blogs focusing on the positives of married life–romancing your spouse, date night ideas, honoring and respecting your spouse. Most were focused on the struggles marriages encounter and how to deal with them. Both are good. Both are needed.

But things have changed.

Marriage blogs are all over the internet now, offering advice from the benefits of staying physically fit to how to recover when your spouse has been unfaithful. There are thousands of tips on how to manage your finances to how to romance your spouse. You can find any information needed and not all of it is good.

If you endorse same sex marriage, you can find a blog that supports your conviction. If you believe having a girlfriend and a wife is okay, there are blogs to support it. You can even find blogs that say that pornography in marriage can be a useful tool for a healthy sex life., or that sexual bondage is a good thing.

Really? Yes, really. We live in the age of information, and blogs allow anyone to give information whether it’s true or not, whether it’s healthy or not. This can cause guilt to abound, even in those marriages where you are genuinely wanting what’s right that will help your marriage last a lifetime.

So it matters what blogs you read. 

It matters what information you absorb, because information stored becomes what convicts the heart when failure to adhere to that standard happens.

Our standard is established in the Bible. It didn’t originate with us; it’s God’s plan for a marriage that glorifies Him. We believe marriage isn’t for our happiness as much as it’s for God’s glory. We are a reflection of Him and His love for the church. So how we treat each other should mirror that eternal relationship. This is Truth to store and from which to draw to grow your marriage.

I know there are times when you just don’t want to work on another problem or face another issue in your relationship. Sometimes you want to escape from it all and simply enjoy life. I get it. Marriage is hard work. It takes a willingness to make yourself do what you may not feel like doing.

For instance, I remember a time when I was not in the mood for Tom’s affectionate advances. I knew he was wanting intimate time with me, but my feelings were no where in “the zone”. I wanted space. I wanted to do what I wanted and not give in to what he wanted. So I gave hints to that effect…not responding to his touch or kiss. Sighing when I knew he would hear me, etc.

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It pains me to confess this, but if I’m going to be a marriage blogger, it’s my responsibility to be honest and open. Tom and I haven’t arrived. Our marriage is still a work in progress. We need daily grace and daily forgiveness. We must resist our selfish tendencies and humble ourselves for the good of the other. Why? Because God has ordained our relationship to be an example to others, our children, our grandchildren, our friends and those who know us from afar.

We know that some of our posts can make you want to click over to Words With Friends or Candy Crush and just.not.think.about.it. And sometimes it’s okay to do that. Why? Because absorbing truth for lasting change takes a lifetime. Hearing Truth is like pouring water on parched ground. As it sits, it seeps, and the ground is eventually softened making the next watering easier to absorb.

I don’t know where you are in your marriage vineyard. You may be well on your way to growth and you’re starting to reap the fruit. You may be past the harvest and having to crush some grapes to extract what’s good and throw away what’s not. You may be realizing that not all on which you’ve built your marriage is good ground. There may be times where you both have to dismantle some of what you’ve built, and conviction is the first step.

Our encouragement to you is to resist the temptation to avoid hearing the truth. When truth hurts it’s usually because there’s an area that needs to hear it. 

God knows the areas in which our marriage needs to grow. And when He focuses on the sore spot our first tendency is jerk away. Instead of doing that, try digging deeper and see if the pain doesn’t lessen.

Consider a child with a splinter in her hand–when her parent tries to use tweezers to remove it, she pulls her hand away not wanting it to hurt. But the hurt of removing the splinter is exactly what she needs to find relief, not in pulling away.

What marriage topics cause you guilt? Is the guilt godly or does it stem from wrong beliefs? Once you know the guilt is valid, then we encourage you to hold your hand still and let God do what only He can do–that’s when the healing begins.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , | 2 Comments

The Cause And Effect Marriage Covered With Grace

Posted on April 20, 2016 by Debi Walter

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I didn’t even know my need until I saw the effect it was having on my marriage. Something was wrong between us. We weren’t connecting. We weren’t communicating. We were at odds living our normal everyday life. On the outside everything moved forward as it always did, but on the inside a discontent was growing in my heart. 

Have you ever been there? Thinking thoughts about your spouse, your marriage and your life that you know aren’t for building up? I’d be surprised if you said NO. We all have temptations to be discontent. The Israelites displayed this over and over for us in the Old Testament. None of the good God did for them lasted long enough for them to really change. Given the next hardship they were right back grumbling and complaining, and as a result they became a stench in God’s nostrils.

But thanks be to God that was under the Old Law. If I had lived then, I would have been no different. We are blessed to live under the law of grace–amazing grace. And this grace provides a way of escape from the shackles of discontent that would destroy all I hold dear.

I felt like my heart was far away and that it would take a long process to bring in back to where it should be. I told Tom I desperately needed a date night where we could talk. So we planned it.

I never want to get used to the look on Tom’s face when he hears what I’ve been thinking. It’s a mixture of confusion, hurt and disappointment. And knowing that my words have caused those looks works like a healing salve on my heart that softens it for repentance.

My time to talk is finished, and it’s Tom’s turn to respond. After pulling away to the restroom–most likely to pray, he returns with love, compassion and what I needed most–wisdom. 

Time after time in our marriage we’ve encountered roadblocks like this one. Either I caused it, or Tom caused it, or extenuating circumstances caused it. Whatever the cause–the answer is always the same–Grace! We need to extend grace to each other in our times of need. We need to pray for our marriage for the wisdom that alone comes from God. He knows the timely word or analogy we need to hear in order to set our focus aright.

I’m grateful for that night and for the breakthrough God provided. It literally feels as if the monkey has been removed from my back, where he was whispering ugly things in my ear. The saddest part of it all is that I listened to him. 

In his book Grace-Filled Marriage, Dr. Tim Kimmel explains:

Grace isn’t blind. Nor is it without nerve endings. A call to a grace-filled marriage doesn’t mean we ignore, trivialize, or excuse our spouse’s unacceptable behavior. Grace doesn’t mean we lose our voice when it comes to dealing head-on with things that are clearly out of line. And grace doesn’t remove consequences. God’s grace is offered to us, but it isn’t realize if we’re unwilling to receive it properly. We have to repent.

Let’s purpose to seek a grace-filled marriage. One where we are our spouse’s closest friend and confidant. Where we can talk about anything without it exploding into a war of words. Let’s listen, pray and then speak with the words of God provides.

This is a grace-filled marriage, and what we want to embrace as long as we both shall live.

 

Posted in Biblical Encouragement, Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Growing Strong Marriages, Keeping It Real | Tagged , , | 8 Comments

Get Smart

Posted on April 16, 2016 by Debi Walter

  
Remember the old TV show about private investigator Maxwell Smart and his assistant Agent 99? I always loved the opening when he walked through all those automatic doors. 

With each episode nothing ever went according to his calculations. Despite his best efforts he was often wrong, yet in the end it always worked out to his credit. 

TV sitcoms are like that–they throw the worst case scenarios out and in 30 minutes to an hour it all gets miraculously solved. It makes us feel good to see the answers played out so neatly and without having to wait.

Well, today we’re going to experience our own Get Smart episodes of sorts–we’re privileged to accompany our son to one of Dave Ramsey’s Live events here in Orlando. It’s called a Smart Conference because they bring in the best speakers on topics like finances for you, your kids, retirement, parenting and best of all–marriage. It’s going to be a day packed full of wisdom and help.

  
We invite you to follow us on Twitter @theromanticvine and Instagram (feed is on the right sidebar) as we share in real time what we’re learning. 

Thanks Dave Ramsey for making this possible. #DaveRamseyLIVE 

Posted in Christian Marriage | Comments Off on Get Smart

Fresh Breezes Are Blowing…

Posted on April 11, 2016 by Debi Walter

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We’ve had a welcomed change in temperature here in Orlando, and I must admit it feels good. We’ve already had a few weeks where the temps climbed into the 90’s, which is way too early for Spring in FL. Summer can wait!

Romance is like a fresh breeze in marriage.

It provides cool refreshment in the midst of the heat of life. It infuses your hearts together in a way nothing else does, and it creates memories you’ll reflect back on in the years to come.

But romance is different for each couple. What you deem romantic may not mean a thing to us, but so what! The point is to make room for your love to grow day in and day out. This is how we cultivate a lasting marriage.

Sure we’ll have conflicts; We’ll have disagreements; We’ll have times when we say, “Can I talk to you about something that’s bothering me?” And this is a normal part of being one flesh.

Marriage is hard work. Romance makes the effort worth it. 

I’d love to hear your most romantic memory. Was it something your spouse did unexpectedly? Was it complimenting your efforts? Let’s boast on what our spouse’s have done for us, and in the process encourage each other with ideas we may not have considered.

I can hear the fresh breezes blowing…

(Photo found on Pinterest)

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Romance in Marriage, Romantic Ideas | Tagged , | Comments Off on Fresh Breezes Are Blowing…

Vintage Post – A Sponge Or A Spring?

Posted on April 4, 2016 by Debi Walter
originally posted on October 13, 2009

originally posted on October 13, 2009

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All married couples desire to have it.  What is it?  Romance.  However, romance in itself is not the answer.  If it were then all we would need is Hollywood.  Romance is the outflow of all the right stuff in our marriage; it isn’t the foundation.  The foundation that will lead us into a more intimate and romantic relationship is the Gospel.  It is here where we learn what true love is.

From the Gospel, husbands learn to lay their lives down for their wives, giving of themselves 100%.  Wives learn to respect and follow their husbands 100%, not because they’re perfect, but because the God who leads him is!

In the book, Counsel From The Cross, Elyse Fitzpatrick says:

When spouses begin to grasp the depth of God’s love for them in Christ, the need for romance, respect, and attention will rapidly diminish.  Rather than seeing themselves as needy sponges, trying to soak up every drop of earthly, human love, they will see themselves as wells supplied by a divine Spring, overflowing with living water that is meant to satisfy, cheer, and serve those around them.  They can delight themselves in the streams of water and the true bread that their Savior feeds them.

So, are you a sponge or a well?  It is of utmost importance that you determine the answer to this question based on how you relate to your spouse.  If you are a sponge – you will never be satisfied.  If you are supplied with the Spring of Living Water, you will never be dry.

Our vineyard provides lots of nourishment for relationships irrigated with Living Water.   Enjoy our ideas like a drink of cool water, but soak in the goodness of the Gospel – for here is where true growth in marriage takes place.

Posted in Biblical Encouragement, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Vintage Post – A Sponge Or A Spring?

The Marriage Stretcher

Posted on April 1, 2016 by Debi Walter
Credit: 3waysac.wordpress.com

Credit: 3waysac.wordpress.com

Stretching. It can be a good thing–like when you’re warming up before a strenuous workout. It’s always advised to stretch your muscles first to give them the heads up that a challenge is coming.

It can be a bad thing when you’ve overcommitted yourself and you can’t possibly get it all done. You’ve stretched yourself too thin.

But today we want to ask for your prayers for us as we’re being stretched in a different way. We are currently in The Netherlands to minister to and encourage a local church in a small town south of Amsterdam. There will be interpreters. There will be folks from many different countries. And there will be Tom and me, along with another couple from our church, with nothing in ourselves to give, but what God in His mercy has given to us.

The gathering begins on Friday and goes through Sunday night where we’ll be joined by our Senior Pastor and another senior pastor from another church with whom we have a working relationship. We are anticipating an amazing time where God stretches us beyond our capacity and then fill us with His. If any good comes of the weekend it will be because of His faithfulness to do what only He can do. We’re simply vessels who said “yes” to His call.

We’ll return on Tuesday tired and full of gratefulness for what God did in and through all of us. Thank you for your prayers.

In what ways are you being stretched? Is it a good stretch or one you should avoid? 

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , | 3 Comments

Vintage Post – Faith And Romance

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Debi Walter
originally posted on August 20, 2009

originally posted on August 20, 2009

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faith

At Metro Life Church our pastors are taking us through a very familiar part of Scripture – Hebrews 11-12.  It is often called The Hall of Faith.   This past Sunday Benny Phillips talked about “faith being the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen”.  It made us ask the question, how does faith, or the lack of it, effect our ability to romance our spouse? We believe the answer for a biblically informed and Gospel-centered marriage is – it affects it in every way!

Living so close with someone we have the privilege of knowing them better than anyone else.  This is good for the good parts, but it can be challenging when we experience the bad parts.  This is where faith is essential.  I have no control over the choices or lack of choices my husband makes; I cannot change him to be more godly or romantic.  The same is true for my husband; he has no control over my response or lack of response to him.  But God – with whom we are intimately acquainted – does!  He is the author and perfecter of our faith!

It takes faith to believe our marriages will continue to grow intimately, both spiritually and romantically.  We treat our spouses the way we want to be treated.  We love them, pursue them, pray for them and think about them often.  If the only thoughts that come to mind when we consider our spouses are critical and filled with doubt, then we must repent!  This isn’t embracing a life of faith, but of unbelief!  And without faith it is impossible to please God.

As you read our blog, we pray it will spark faith to believe your marriage can grow and change.  We pray it will be a springboard for practical ideas.  Tom and I have had our challenging years – times when romance was not a priority, but we never lost faith that God was at work changing us for His glory.  This is why we are certain He is at work in your marriage as well!  Our ideas, if not mixed with faith for the future can breed discouragement and discontent.   Faith is our shield against the world that would love nothing more than to destroy our marriages and our families.  Let’s make it our goal to build up our faith for God is at work in our marriage each and every day!

“In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one;”  Ephesians 6:16

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Decades of Marriage – The Fourth Ten Years

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Debi Walter

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We’ve had some extensive posts about what to expect in each decade of marriage. Now we’ve caught up to where we are. Tom and I celebrated our 37th anniversary in February, so we’re almost through our fourth decade–crazy!

This  has been a challenging decade for us, which surprised us quite a bit. We have always gotten along quite well and have been able to work out our differences without much drama, that is until this decade. <sigh> It seems that all of our communication skills took a backseat as new difficulties presented themselves. It left us feeling uncertain of how to handle each other. What used to work only caused more tension. We found ourselves having to relearn how to communicate effectively.

Our biggest hurdle has been to not make assumptions about what we think the other said or did.

Many times I thought Tom said one thing only to find out I didn’t hear him correctly. This has happened so many times it’s embarrassing. We’ve wondered if our hearing is starting to go, and you know? It could be. Which brings us to our first point on how to handle these years well…

  1. Get regular check-ups with your doctor to make sure what your dealing with isn’t a medical condition. It doesn’t serve your marriage well to ignore the indicators. Get the help needed to make sure you’re in good health physically.
  2. Do your best to help your spouse care for their elderly parents. Or vice versa, ask for your spouse to help you care for yours. This is the time when you may be caring for people in three generations and it can be stressful. Nothing helps more than to know your spouse is in it with you.
  3. Understand your wife when she becomes emotional over the empty nest stage. Sometimes even she doesn’t understand the roller coaster of emotions. It helps so much to know that you’ll love and support her through the pain.
  4. When it comes to sexual intimacy realize that you’re not as young as you used to be.  You may need to change things a bit to make it comfortable and enjoyable for each other. The important thing is to remember sex is about connecting physically, emotionally and spiritually. If the physical becomes more of a challenge, it doesn’t mean you have to pull back emotionally and spiritually. You may find that you enjoy this season of your sex life more than any other time in your marriage. This is as it should be. Our culture promotes sex over relationship. Remember the years you have invested in your marriage to help you navigate these changes together keeping the relationship as most important.
  5. Impending retirement can cause unexpected stress in your marriage if you don’t prepare for this new season. Hopefully you’ve put aside money to provide for you and your spouse when you no longer work. Or maybe you haven’t and there is no end in sight as to when you’ll quit, if ever. This can be a real cause of stress especially if you play the blaming game. Don’t do it! You aren’t each other’s enemy–you’re on the same team. Get help. Ask for the input of others you respect in this regard. It may not be as bad as you think. And fighting about years past won’t benefit your marriage. The only time you can effect is the present. Pray together, and ask God for the wisdom you need make it through the years to come. He will be an ever present help in your time of need–that’s a promise! Psalm 46:1
  6. Once you do retire realize there is a transition stage just as the empty nest required a transition. For 2 1/2 years Tom practiced retirement and we were more surprised than anyone at the struggle it was for us. Tom had always managed people. When he came home he had no one to manage except ME! Yeah, it wasn’t good. I had been running our home for all our married life, and now Tom was here everyday all day wondering things like–why are you using THAT knife? I found myself reacting to him in ways I had never done before, and we have a strong marriage. I tell you this not to discourage you, but to help you realize that even strong marriages have trouble, but it’s what they do with the trouble that makes all the difference.

If you’re in this decade, what difficulties have you faced and how have you dealt with them?

Posted in Aging, Caring for Parents, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Seasons of Life | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on Decades of Marriage – The Fourth Ten Years

Happy Hour

Posted on March 25, 2016 by Debi Walter

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The Generous Husband

  • Dame Before Game<<Paul addresses a very serious issue that seems like it’s only fun and games, but at what cost?
  • Are You Phubbing Your Wife?<<This question is addressed to the guys, but goes both ways. If you’re doing this you need to consider what you’re saying about what’s important to you.

The Generous Wife

  • Just My Type<<Ever taken a personality test? Lori provides the link to one and encourages us to both take it for some fresh perspective on what makes us tick.
  • Throwback Thursday<<This post deals in a practical way with the all-important task of cooking. If you dread this time of the day, please read it. You will be glad you did!

Happy Wives Club

Hot Holy and Humorous

  • What Are You Thinking During Sex?<<J answers this question very thoroughly. And if you’ve never considered asking your spouse this, it might open a whole new side of your spouse you’ve not yet tapped into. 🙂

One Flesh Marriage

Oyster Bed 7

  • Say The Magic Word<<Bonnie gives a helpful tip on how to communicate to your spouse what you enjoy while making love.
Posted in Blog Love, Happy Hour | Comments Off on Happy Hour

ForgiveMess

Posted on March 25, 2016 by Debi Walter

 

Forgivemess

Photo by Yun Heng Lin on Unsplash

We were recently at a restaurant to meet another couple and got there a few minutes early to get a table so we wouldn’t have to wait once they arrived.  We spotted the perfect table where we could talk. When we got closer we realized the table hadn’t been cleared yet. It was quite obvious the previous diners enjoyed their meal–immensely. They left a mess to prove it!

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Photo Credit: http://www.stlmag.com

Tom and I sat in the booth waiting for the server to come clear the table. It took awhile. As we waited we didn’t dare touch the table, and for whatever reason it was difficult to talk as well. So we just sat in silence looking at our phones to pass the time.

Our friends eventually showed up. The server had come and cleared away the mess with one trip–which was quite amazing. She said it came with lots of practice.

You never know when a great analogy is going to come along, and I didn’t see this one coming until the next morning. I awoke with a made-up word on my mind–ForgiveMess.

We all know what it means to make a mess of things in our relationship. Things can be going fine and we say something without thinking and suddenly we have a mess to deal with. We don’t usually ask for it–it just happens.

Can you imagine if Tom and I had tried to go ahead and have dinner on that messy table? It would have made our nice evening not so nice. We would have had to do some re-arranging of dirty dishes just to make room for what we had ordered, and then we’d have to avoid getting dirty ourselves. It’s disgusting to think of it.

Yet many marriages live like this; Rather than deal with the messes as they come–clearing away the offenses–we simply push them aside not wanting to do the work necessary to get rid of the mess completely. This might be due to denial (what dirty dishes?), blame-shifting (I didn’t make the mess, you did!), or punishment (if you’re gonna make a mess than I’ll make a mess to show you!)

The truth is we all do this to some degree. It’s in our human nature and unless we intentionally go after this tendency we’ll spend our entire marriage with a mess.

What’s the answer to stop the mess? It goes back to my made-up word–forgivemess. When your spouse makes a mess of a conversation and says something in the heat of the moment, give them grace. Think the best. Pray for them. Forgive them. This is a way we can keep little offenses from becoming huge conflicts.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV

We may not be able to keep the messes from happening, but when they do we can choose to forgive the mess–forgivemess.  After all, this is what Christ has done for us–shouldn’t we model this kind of love towards our spouse?

Posted in Biblical Encouragement, Christian Marriage, Conflict, Forgiveness, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Unexpected Expectations

Posted on March 23, 2016 by Debi Walter

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Tom and I recently had a conflict that we didn’t see coming. The conversation grew tense, yet there wasn’t anything said to cause the conflict. We didn’t quite know how to fix it since the issue wasn’t obvious to us.

We broke it down by discussing what had just happened.

That’s when we realized there are times when we have unknown expectations. The only way you discover them is when they aren’t met and suddenly your mood changes leaving you and your spouse at odds.

Here are a few scenarios that may make this tendency easier to detect:

  • You’re planning a date night and haven’t talked about where to go. When you both realize no one has planned the date–there it is!
  • Your spouse has a day off from work planned. When they announce plans to do something with friends–there it is!

  • You get a substantial IRS refund this year. When your spouse pays extra on the credit card–there it is!

OR

  • You get a substantial IRS refund this year. When your spouse buys new golf clubs–there it is!

How do you navigate such a volatile moment without exploding? One word comes to mind, and it’s the only word that will help–Communication.

When you are both sidelined by an unexpected conflict you have to keep calm and communicate. (Tweet that!)

Your spouse most likely didn’t realize you had an expectation. We must give each other grace in such moments; Think the best; Give them the benefit of the doubt; And by all means don’t attach motives as to why they did what they did. You didn’t even know you had the expectation yourself, so how were they to know? They can’t read your mind.

What it boils down to is this: We are two individuals attempting to do life together as one. When conflicts arise either seen or unseen, we must communicate to get through it. The silent treatment never solves a dispute it only makes the accused defensive. Be  mature. Do the hard work and your marriage will be stronger as a result.

In what ways have you had unexpected expectations?

Posted in communication, Conflict | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Decades Of Marriage – The Third Ten Years

Posted on March 21, 2016 by Debi Walter

Decades

You’ve just celebrated 20 years together. You wonder how in the world you’ve made it this far–wasn’t it yesterday when we were starting out on this adventure called marriage? Time has proven to fly, and it’s possible to feel lost in its passing.

Communication has never been as important as it is now.

You may feel you’re the only one who has ever felt disjointed or lacking joy like this. Let me assure you you are not; these feelings are quite normal. Talk to your spouse about how you’re feeling, even if you’re not sure what it all means. Let them be a part of the process. If you don’t, you’ll both end up changing so much that neither of you recognizes the other. A very dangerous place to be and the reason many marriages fail during this decade.

Pressures to look for that are common:

I. Children And Empty-Nesting

Your children are most likely all in the teenage years–the time when they’re testing their wings so to speak–and you’re afraid they won’t be ready to fly on their own. There’s so much more to talk about, issues to address and problems to help solve. Yet, you realize you may not be the answer to all they’re facing.

As they approach adulthood, God will include many others to help your children be who He’s called them to be. It could be a guidance counselor at school, friends or mentors at church, employers or even a future spouse they’ve just met. Realizing this shift is coming will help keep you from holding too tightly to your perceived control. Why is it so difficult, especially for mothers, to let go? It helps to remember why we had children in the first place–to raise them up to be responsible adults by training them in the way they should go.

When we get to the end of this “training” season, it’s hard for moms to remember they have another very important role in life–to be the very best wife to her children’s father.

Of course, there are other things you can and should seek out in this new phase of life–hobbies you didn’t have time for when the kids were little, maybe starting a new career or picking up an old one, maybe to be involved in a ministry of which you’re passionate? Your options are wide open. Talk to your husband. Pray asking God to lead you. He will provide the wisdom and direction needed to know exactly where it is He wants you to walk.

Purpose to enjoy being together as husband and wife now, and you’ll do fine in the empty-nest years when they come.

II. Becoming In-Laws

This is also the decade when many of your children will get married, which means welcoming someone brand new into your family for the rest of your life. It sounds romantic until it happens.

Suddenly you have to share holidays and traditions. You are no longer your grown child’s only priority–someone else has captured their heart–and that’s a good thing, but it may not feel that way. Mothers tend to grieve more when their sons marry, and fathers tend to grieve more when their daughters marry. That’s due in large part to the fact that  you’re being replaced as the only member of the opposite sex with significant influence on your son/daughter. Once they said “I do” you were replaced forever. It stings.

Realizing this will help you both talk through the feelings you’re experiencing. Lean into each other when the pain and disappointments come and you’ll both be stronger for it.

III. Becoming Grandparents

This is the best thing that happens after our children get married. It is your reward for raising children to adulthood. But it can also have its own sort of trouble. Like…your children decide to move away from you where you can’t be involved in the day to day life of your grandchildren. You have expectations as to how they’ll be raised and you end up being disappointed. It’s hard to let them be the parents without you giving your opinion when it hasn’t been solicited. This, I might add, is how in-laws have gotten such a bad reputation. Don’t do it! Talk it over with each other, pray about it and only say something if you believe this is what God would have you do. Our primary job during this season is to be faithful prayer warriors. God sees, He knows, and He will be as faithful to your children and grandchildren as He was to you when you were first starting out. Sometimes we forget this truth!

IV. Menopause or “Men On Pause” 🙂

I refused to think about this when I was younger believing if I ignored it it wouldn’t effect me. Was I ever wrong! My advice is to talk to older women about their experience. Find out as much as you can to help you be ready for whatever your transition will be like. And talk to your husband. He needs to know your fears, your insecurities and your physical challenges. You are a team, and this is part of doing life together in all its various stages.

I used to think the saying, “Come grow old with me, the best is yet to be” was quite romantic. But when I hit this stage it became my dartboard. It didn’t feel like the best at.all. But Tom loved me through all my mood swings. Sometimes all he could do was hold me, and it brought such comfort knowing that he would be there with me and “love me in an understanding way” even if he didn’t understand me.

V. Unmet Expectations

This is the decade when you begin to realize some dreams you’ve had may never come to pass. It can be quite devastating if you don’t see it coming. Talk about your dreams, and if some have come true then spend time thanking God for His kindness. But even if your’s haven’t come true don’t stop dreaming!

When we’ve been disappointed our knee jerk reaction is to quit dreaming altogether. The Bible says “without a vision the people perish.” We all need dreams of what God wants us to do with our time and talents in the years ahead. Ask Him to restore your dreams and pray according to His Will. It may not be what you expected, but it will be good.

Plan regular date nights where having time to share heart-to-heart is provided. It will serve you well with all the challenges to come. And enjoy the process!

Posted in Aging, Biblical Encouragement, Christian Marriage, communication, Difficulty, Seasons of Life | 1 Comment

Happy Hour

Posted on March 18, 2016 by Debi Walter

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This week’s specials are from two of our favorite authors–men we highly respect. Please take some time this weekend to get to know them. These two posts are examples of how practical and helpful they are when facing difficulty. Have a blessed weekend!

Christian Counseling Education Foundation (CCEF)

  • Two Vantage Points Become One<<Ed Welch is one of our favorite authors and speakers because everything he says is biblically sound and always helpful. This post speaks to the discouragement many of us may be feeling due to the political climate in our country or various other hardships you’re experiencing.

Paul Tripp Ministries

 

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Plan Some Green Romance

Posted on March 17, 2016 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: thisischurch.com

Photo Credit: thisischurch.com

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, and it’s a Friday. Why not make some special plans for your sweetie on this Irish holiday?

Posted in Creative Dates, Date Night Ideas, Dating Your Spouse, Romance in Marriage, Unique Dates | Comments Off on Plan Some Green Romance

Decades of Marriage – The Second Ten Years

Posted on March 16, 2016 by Debi Walter

Decades

You’ve just celebrated your 10th wedding anniversary. Congratulations! Many couples don’t make it this far, so you must have learned some degree of communication skills to get you to this point. You are to be commended.

Photo Credit: www.zazzle.com

Just about the time you’re feeling pretty good about life–you have a career, your children have arrived and they are growing, adding so much joy to your life–you discover that this is where the problems with this decade usually begin. (If you don’t have any children and desire them, please know that this can also be a very challenging part of this decade. Seeing your friends’ family growing only adds to your pain. We suggest you seek help from others who have faced a similar struggle so you can avoid feeling left out).

No matter how many children you have they demand attention. If you have lots of them it simply multiplies the pressure. We can stretch ourselves too thin during this decade trying to please everyone, saying yes to far too many activities, allowing our kids to be involved in multiple extracurricular activities, leaving no time for us to focus on ourselves or our relationship.

Tom and I had three children in four years. By the time we hit our 10th anniversary they were ages 3, 5 and 7, and I had just begun homeschooling. We were very involved in our local church as well, since we had helped start it four years prior.

Life was good. But had Tom not been intentional in keeping our relationship primary, I could have easily found fulfillment in everything else. Sadly, many couples do this and don’t even realize it because children demand it, and after all they are important, right?  They are important, but not to the neglect of your marriage. Your relationship to your spouse will last long after your children are grown and gone–we’ll talk about that in the next decade! So no matter how demanding our children are, we have to set parameters around our marriage and keep it primary above all else.

Challenge of Raising Teens

From year 10 to year 20 much change occurs primarily in the parenting aspect of the family. By our 20th anniversary we had three teenagers a total game changer for us. What had worked in parenting when they were younger no longer worked. They challenged the reasons behind the rules that had long been established. It caused tension and disappointment–tension because we weren’t sure what was the right way to handle things, and disappointment because what we had done didn’t seem to be working.

We sought lots of counsel from our pastor and his wife.

They were a few years ahead of us and shared some things that were extremely helpful. One I remember was that adolescents are”adults with less sense”. 🙂  What they learned when they were little needed to be relearned and understood as a teen. It felt like they were challenging our long established family rules, but in reality they wanted to know the ‘why’ behind it. This was an important part of them growing up and owning responsibility for themselves. But it was hard! It felt like they were being disrespectful. It was challenging not to take their questions personally. Many times I did, and sadly the conflict between our children and me escalated. Tom often played referee trying to help bring peace and understanding back to our home.  This caused my love and respect for him to grow. I loved him not only as my husband, but for the way he cared for all of us through the rough years.

Our pastor also shared that it’s during these pre-teen years when a change takes place in regards to raising sons. I couldn’t teach our son how to be a man. He needed more of Tom’s attention, so we shifted roles. Tom would be primarily responsible for his training, and I would become our son’s cheerleader, encouraging him to do what his dad was requiring of him. It worked quite well, and I no longer felt like my son and I were bumping heads.

Raising teens requires lots of long conversations.

Most times these talks would take place late at night when we were half asleep. I’m not sure why, but our kids would talk best after 11p. Needless to say, we had to spend many of our date nights just recounting our current struggles with our kids and trying to find the best solution. It was a full-time job for both of us times three!

This is why during this decade so many couples call it quits. The pressure can mount for even strong marriages. If your marriage was struggling before this season, it will be even harder to endure.

The best advice we can give you?

Seek out real people to help you. In this day and age Pinterest/Facebook/blogs are always ready to give advice, but nothing…nothing…can replace the encouragement received by talking face to face with another couple who have gone through what you’re dealing with. You’ll need someone’s shoulder on which to cry. You’ll need prayer support. You’ll need the strength that God provides as you humble yourself and express your need.

I don’t know where Tom and I would be today if it weren’t for the influence and wisdom of the friends God has blessed us with all these years. Life, Marriage and Family wasn’t meant to be lived out independently of others–we need help. Seek it out intentionally for the good of your marriage and the survival of your children. 🙂

(PC: www.zazzle.com)

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Parenting, Seasons of Life | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Yet Another Keeping It Real Post

Posted on March 14, 2016 by Debi Walter

We received a lot of response from our post last week about keeping it real. We heard that its helpful to hear about couples who have been married for decades and how they still have struggles. Not that you’re happy we struggle, but it’s encouraging to realize struggles are a part of all marriages–the good ones and the difficult ones. It is what makes us grow stronger as the years pass.

This morning we were having a normal Saturday routine. All was well, until Tom questioned why I was doing something the way I was doing it. Now this in itself wouldn’t have been difficult for me to hear, but it was the face he used in asking the question that stung. Suddenly I felt I couldn’t do anything right, so I said, “I don’t know how I’m going to make it to 80 years old if I’m already so bad at doing things now.”

Did I over react? Yes. Did Tom fail to choose his words wisely? Yes. I’m sure you’ve all been there if you’re honest with yourself. We aren’t perfect. No one is righteous, the Bible says, so why are we surprised when our spouse says something off the cuff like this and it stings?

Experience has taught us that conflict and harsh/insensitive words are normal in all marriages. What’s of most importance is what is said next!

Tom immediately apologized and held me saying he shouldn’t have said what he said. I forgave him. Then it was my turn to do the right thing, or should I say THINK the right thing. I was tempted to stew, to let my feelings have the final word. But I chose instead to resist those thoughts and let it go.

We’re back to a normal Saturday. I’m posting, Tom’s cleaning the back porch, and we’ve successfully navigated a conflict that years ago would have lasted days.

How quick are you to ask forgiveness when you know you’ve said something to hurt your spouse? How quick are you to forgive when you’ve been hurt? It’s only by the grace of God at work in our hearts that we can respond in the right way–giving and receiving grace in our time of need.

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Happy Hour

Posted on March 11, 2016 by Debi Walter

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It’s time for our weekly specials you don’t want to miss. Use the weekend to catch up on some inspired reading to build your marriage.

ChooseJoy365

Darby Dugger

  • Stretched Thin<<I’ve added this post late, but it was too good to not share. This is a tendency most women assume and it can be devastating to your marriage, your family and your friends.

Hot, Holy And Humorous

  • Which Personal Lubricant Should You Try<<J is providing a great resource to all who need or are interested in learning about personal lubricants. She is conducting a survey of 5 questions to help her learn more about all the available products. She would appreciate your help!

Journey To Surrender

  • Discover True Intimacy<<Scott has been doing a series on this topic and this post concludes with his findings. It’s quite informative and he provides all the links to his earlier posts.

Marriage Gems

One Flesh Marriage

  • 7 Ways To Prioritize Your Marriage<<If this in an issue in your relationship because of time restraints or commitments read this list! It will be a game changer.
  • 7 Realities of “Us”<<This goes right along with our “Ugh–Keeping It Real” post. If you think because we blog about marriage that we have it all figured out, you’re wrong. Kate explains it so well!

 

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Vintage Post – Ten Commandments For Better Communication

Posted on March 11, 2016 by Debi Walter

communication

(First published on May 22, 2009)

Communication is the foundation of all marriage relationships – the key is establishing a good and strong foundation that will support your relationship through all difficulties. 

Those who lack good communication skills find their days are full of bumps and bruises.  Use the following Ten Commandments to help strengthen your ability to communicate well.

  1. Learn to express your feelings and frustrations honestly, but without accusing or attacking the other person. (Pro. 11:9)
  2. Choose words, expressions and a tone of voice that are kind and gentle.   Don’t use speech that could easily offend or spark and argument.   (Pro. 15:1)
  3. Do not exaggerate, distort, or stretch the truth.  Avoid extreme words like “never” and “always”. (Eph. 4:25)
  4. Give actual and specific examples — if necessary, make notes before you communicate.  Stay away from generalities.
  5. Commit yourself to seeking solutions rather than merely airing your grievances.  Getting even isn’t the goal — you want to get things resolved.  (Rom. 12:17-21)
  6. Listen to what the other person is saying, feeling and needing.  Try to detect his or her underlying concerns (James 1:19)
  7. Refuse to indulge bitterness, anger, withdrawal, or argument.  Though these emotions are normal, indulging them is sin. (Eph. 4:26)
  8. Be quick to acknowledge your own failure, and don’t hesitate to forgive the other person.  Make sure you don’t still hold a grudge. (Luke 17:3-4)
  9. Keep talking and asking questions until you are sure you both understand clearly what the other is saying and feeling.  Encourage each other as you press toward a solution. (Rom. 14:19)
  10. Train your mouth and heart until you can say the right thing at the right time in the right way for the right reason!

Date Night Idea:  Take a few minutes to plan a date that would create a good context for communication.  Renting a video is out! Be specific.  Where would you go?  What would you do?  How much will it cost?  Write down the details, then set a time when you can carry it out.

(taken from Love That Lasts, first edition, pg. 46)

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Decades Of Marriage – The First Ten Years

Posted on March 9, 2016 by Debi Walter

Decades

A decade is a long time–ten years, to be exact and much happens in this span of time. Just consider the past ten years of your life? Where were you in 2006? How have you changed? How has your marriage and your family grown? Who was in your life that is no longer around, or how many new friends have you made in this span? It’s amazing to look back and see how much has changed. Yet daily we hardly notice any change at all.

This is what has prompted this new series. Tom and I just celebrated our 37th anniversary–nearly 4 decades of marriage. I want to look at each decade we’ve had and share with you what we’ve experienced through it in an effort to help you where you are today, as well as give you insight into the decades yet to come.

The First Ten Years

This is a decade of new beginnings. In this decade you really get to know each other–the good, the bad and the hidden. For us, it took three years to really become gut-level honest with each other. I’m not sure why, but that was the year God decided to unveil our hearts to each other, and it wasn’t the dream marriage I had hoped for. This was real. This was painful. This was hard, in fact the hardest thing we had experienced together up until this point in our marriage.

Before year three, we were still in the “getting to know you” phase that many couples discover when dating. Tom and I lived in different cities, so our courting relationship took place long-distance. We talked a lot via the phone and snail-mail, but doing life together and having regular dates didn’t begin until after we said “I do!” And it was so much fun to no longer have to say goodbye.

These fun years didn’t prepare me for the challenging season that barged in like a dirge on my “happily-ever-after” theme song. I was crushed. And there was no one to tell me at the time that this was quite normal for any marriage. How I wish there had been, which is why I’m sharing this with you! There comes a day when vulnerability comes knocking and you’re not quite sure how you’ll be received or how you’ll like what you see looking back at you.

This is when your marriage vows become your roadmap.

You have to put them front and center to stay on course. Otherwise you may want to check out! Fortunately, when Tom and I began this third year, we didn’t have any really close friends yet, so we had to talk to each other. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise because we found out how much God is a present help to us in our time of need. It’s amazing to me now that without any direction from someone wiser we navigated this turbulent time side-by-side moving forward or should I say–crawling forward together.

After you get to know each other a bit better you discover that better times always follow horrible times if you stay committed. Many couples walk out at this point and never find the silver lining, or the testimony that makes the hardship worth it.

Advice: If you’re in this “getting to know you” phase, my encouragement is to stay. Do what you vowed to do–and love your spouse even when you may not like them very much. If possible, seek help too. I wouldn’t recommend doing it the way we did. We are grateful that we had excellent marriage teaching and examples being demonstrated for us during this time, but the friendships hadn’t deepened enough to seek out their counsel. At least our pride didn’t let us at the time. 

Usually in the first decade is when your careers are being established, you may purchase your first home, you start having babies–all these changes cause tension in the marriage. The carefree, fun-loving couple suddenly becomes responsible adults with babies who spit up and don’t sleep through the night. It can be stressful balancing life, bills, schedules and colic!

Advice: If you’re currently struggling with all these types of changes, communicate! It is imperative that you not only share what’s on your heart, but that you listen to what’s on your spouse’s as well. You may hear what your spouse says, but not understand what they’re saying. The most practical advice we’ve ever been given is to ask, “This is what I heard you say, is that what you meant?” Many times asking this one question will clarify a misunderstood comment that could have caused a huge argument. Make sure you’re hearing and understanding each other accurately. As you can imagine, this type of communication takes time and commitment, but it is of most importance if you want to grow and mature during this decade. Make a habit of regular date nights where you have time and no interruptions to focus on each other. If you do this now, it will serve you well for the decade to come.

If you’ve made it past the first decade, how did it go for you? What advice would you offer to those currently in this season? Let’s start a conversation of hope and help for those who may be struggling.

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” – Philippians 1:6 ESV

Posted in Biblical Encouragement, Christian Marriage, communication, Growing Strong Marriages, Newlyweds, Parenting, Seasons of Life | 3 Comments

Ugh, Keeping It Real

Posted on March 7, 2016 by Debi Walter

  
It was a typical Sunday. We enjoyed our Morning at the church where we have been members since its inception in 1985. Afterwards we enjoyed catching up with friends in the lobby and then went to lunch. 

So far, so good!

We were getting ready for our marriage community group dinner at our home that evening, so I went to the grocery store to buy the meat so Tom could prepare for the meeting.

Still going well.

Then, it happened! I walked in the door to find Tom sleeping on the couch. My first thought, which I’m ashamed to admit, was I thought he was going to study and instead he’s resting.

How I wish I could tell you I rejected that thought, but I didn’t. I let it fester, which led to me waking him up abruptly wanting him to help me clean the house. After all, we were have our marriage group over, for goodness sake!

Ugh!

It only took a few more minutes to realize how unfair and critical I was being to Tom. He is not lazy. He works hard. So why was I so quick to judge and condemn him?

I believe it’s because we have an enemy who whispers in our ear the voice of accusation. Instead of believing the best I allowed such wicked thoughts to have an audience in my heart.

Tom didn’t react. He got up and helped me clean the house. The more he helped the worse I felt for being such a brat. 

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – Proverbs 15:1

I apologized for being so critical of him. I asked his forgiveness which he gave me. Then he asked a very important question…”Why do you think you were so quick to go there?”

I said, “When I walked in I expected you to be studying and instead you were sleeping. I assumed you hadn’t done what you said you were going to do.” 

He replied, “I had already done what I needed and my eyes got heavy so I closed them to rest.”

Ugh! My heart is in such need of the transforming grace of Jesus Christ who willingly laid down His life so that I would no longer be a slave to such a critical spirit. 

Gratefully, my sin is no match for God’s grace. He forgave me, Tom forgave me and now we have a fresh example to share with you as well as our marriage community group tonight of how not to treat your spouse.

In what ways are you tempted to not think the best of your spouse? How has this complicated your relationship? 

My encouragement to you is to extend grace whether you’re on the giving end or the receiving end. We all need His grace to do this thing called marriage well. And you know what? God has provided all we need!

Posted in Christian Marriage | 6 Comments