The Wedge of Infertility

Posted on June 7, 2013 by Debi Walter

When most couples get married they are filled with hope of building a family together. Some choose to wait a few years to begin, some decide they don’t want to wait at all and end up getting pregnant on their honeymoon, still others get pregnant without giving it any thought. But what about those who desperately want a family of their own, yet for various reasons haven’t been able to get pregnant?

It is a heartbreak that never heals.

Every Mother’s Day and Father’s Day that passes is another reminder of their emptiness.

After Tom and I were married two years we decided it was time to start a family. I was so excited. When we discovered I was expecting we didn’t hesitate to call everyone with the good news! Yet at only 6 weeks I ended up miscarrying our baby. We were heartbroken and afraid. Would we ever be able to get pregnant again? If so, would it end in miscarriage? What if we’re going to be one of those couples who can’t have children? These thoughts came constantly and got louder over time. I was a mess! I was young and had no idea how to battle these thoughts, but I had a husband who loved me, prayed with me, and assured me that we were in this together no matter what.

We realize that what we’ve experienced pales in comparison to those who are unable to conceive. But at the time we didn’t know if this was going to be something we would have to battle for years or not. It felt as if it could be a lifelong trial.

We have some friends who have been married for over 10 years. They haven’t had children, though they have tried. The doctors confirmed there was no medical reason why they hadn’t conceived, yet year after year they went without a little one to love and hold. It was sad to watch, yet what struck me about them is the love they share. This issue hadn’t become so large in their eyes that they lost sight of their love for each other. To see them interact you would think they were still on their honeymoon. They hug and love on each other all the time. Their infertility has only strengthened their love for one another.

Another couple we know experienced the opposite. Their longing for a baby caused such tension and anxiety in the home that it became a place where neither enjoyed living. Sadly, their marriage ended in divorce, all because they were unable to produce a baby together.

Infertility can cause a wedge or pledge.

But how do you go from being so consumed with the desire for children to the place of peace and acceptance? How can you live a happy life when something you want so badly isn’t given?

I believe we can find the answer in the 1 Samuel. Consider Hannah and her troubled heart. She desperately wanted to have children with her husband, Elkanah. But the Lord had closed her womb. Yet Elkanah’s other wife, Penninah had lots of sons and daughters. She used to flaunt this fact to Hannah day after day. Yet Hannah had the heart of her husband. He loved her deeply even though they had not had children together.

One day when Elkanah had taken his family to make sacrifices, Hannah went into the temple to pray. She poured out her heart to God asking Him to give her a son. She even promised if He did she would give him to God to serve Him his entire life. When Eli saw Hannah praying he thought she was drunk. When she assured him she wasn’t, she was only crying out with desperate prayers to God, he said “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him.”

When Hannah arrived home, she was no longer sad, but full of joy. Her eyes had been lifted from what she wanted to the One she needed. He alone was her joy, and knowing that He heard her petition gave her peace. It wasn’t long until she conceived a son, and she named him Samuel. You can read the entire story in 1 Samuel for it’s a fascinating story. But the point I want to make is that the answer to finding peace in your infertility is to look to God. He is the author of life, including yours and any He chooses to bring from your marriage union. Take your desire to Him and leave it with Him. In the meantime, enjoy the one with whom God has given you to share life and love with in this life. Don’t allow a lack in one area to rob the riches you’ve already been given.

If you are struggling with infertility, we want to pray for you that God will hear your petitions to Him and open your womb. But if He doesn’t grant your request, our desire is to see your marriage grow stronger through the trial, not allowing a wedge to come between you and your spouse.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Infertility, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

It’s About Time or What An Alarm Clock Taught Me About Marriage

Posted on June 6, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: Walmart.com

Photo Credit: Walmart.com

Our next Barefoot Cabin analogy came when Tom and I were told by our rental agency that we should provide an alarm clock in every bedroom. I can’t remember the last time we actually bought one, so we headed to Walmart hoping not to spend too much of our dwindling budget on these time machines. We figured most people use their cell phones as an alarm anyway, right?

We were thrilled when we found some for under $10. One thing we knew we wanted was to be sure they had batteries in case the power went out. What we didn’t think of was to check and see if they had electrical cords as well–our first mistake. <sigh>

Here’s what we discovered about these alarm clocks:

  1. They had no electrical cord, which means the battery power would be used all the time, making this “cheap alarm clock” expensive in the long run.
  2. They had no brightness adjustment, so sleeping with it on the nightstand was like sleeping with a flashlight in your face.
  3. Cheaper is not necessarily better. You get what you pay for!

What does this have to do with marriage? The answer hit me first thing this morning! We can treat our marriage like we did these alarm clocks. We knew we needed them, but we weren’t willing to invest the money for a good one.

Taking each of the three points above, here’s what alarm clocks taught me about marriage:

  1. It’s important to stay plugged in to each other and The Lord. Self-sufficiency won’t work because marriage has a way of breaking down our own strength. If we are relying solely on our own ability to have a good marriage, it won’t be long until that battery is completely spent. It’s not obvious at first, but slowly over time you begin to neglect doing the things you did at first, like date nights, long conversations, acts of kindness, etc.
  2. Many times one spouse is more enthusiastic about date nights, marriage conferences, and growing the marriage in general. Rather than working on being the change they want to see in their marriage, they bring up the lack they see in their spouse constantly. It’s like a glaring reminder that says, “You aren’t measuring up to my expectations!” We are unable to change our spouse. That is God’s job and one He is quite good at completing. But what we CAN do is work on changing ourselves. We should let the light of conviction shine brightly in our own faces and use a darkness-adjusting light to gently bring up our spouse’s lack. This is how love operates! (and a good alarm clock, I might add!)
  3. We can waste our time on things that don’t matter, and neglect those things that do. This is why we shouldn’t be surprised if our marriage isn’t what we’d hoped it would be a few years down the road. If you haven’t made your time together a priority, your marriage will be affected. Sadly, some couples don’t realize this until their kids grow up and move on with their own lives. It’s in this transition that many couples call it quits! They think the marriage is no longer working, like a worn-out clock.

Today we’ll be taking these cheap alarm clocks back to Walmart and hope to find ones that are gentler and kinder with a built-in electrical cord. Next time your alarm clock goes off telling you it’s time to wake-up, let it also remind you to check your marriage. The best way to know how well it’s going is to ask your spouse.

It’s not about the money, it’s about taking your most valuable asset–time, and using it for the good of your marriage. Your spouse may just say, “It’s about time!”

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Dating Your Spouse, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Wordless Wednesday

Posted on June 5, 2013 by Tom and Debi

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Posted in Slices, The Romantic Vineyard, Wordless Wednesday | Comments Off on Wordless Wednesday

Just You Wait And See

Posted on June 4, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: Home Guides

Photo Credit: Home Guides

I’m used to it after 34 years together. We’ve painted countless numbers of walls together, and Tom never thinks the color is right. I’ll  hear him say over and over, “Are you sure this color is good?” or “Do you really like it?”

In the beginning those questions would make me nervous, causing me to doubt my choice of color. Now I can say with confidence, “Just wait until you’re finished. You’re going to love it!” And he always does!

So, a couple of days ago when Tom compared our cabin master bathroom color (light brown) to something you do in the bathroom, I didn’t flinch. Today he asked if our upstairs bathroom looked like baby poop! “No,” I laughed out loud. “You’re going to love the color (moss green), just wait and see.”

Now he’s prepping the staircase going to the basement. Thankfully, he’s using primer, so I have a few minutes to write this post. 🙂

This project has made me realize once again how much we need each other. I can’t do half the work he can do in a day, and I certainly can’t do it as well–Tom’s a perfectionist (in a good way) when it comes to painting. And Tom needs me to infuse confidence into everything he does. We make a great team. Although I didn’t always see it this way.

In what ways do you and your spouse complement each other when you’re working together? Do you see your differences as a help or a hindrance? 

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages | 6 Comments

Is Your Marriage Primed?

Posted on June 3, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: Young House Love

Photo Credit: Young House Love

We are spending three weeks at Barefoot Cabin getting it ready for the rental program. We started the long, arduous task of painting the interior walls. Most were either hunter green or red. We want to lighten and brighten the cabin, which means we need to apply a good coat of primer on all the walls before we can begin the fun part of adding the new color. The primer process not only covers the old paint, but it bonds to the wall allowing the new color to stick.

Tom and I were talking about how well this applies to marriage. The old must be completely covered, which includes the sins of the past. Have you given your spouse a primer coat? Or do you bring up past sins or failures on a regular basis?

Not only are we called to provide forgiveness to our spouse (covering), but we’re called to support and encourage every day after (bonding). In other words, our forgiveness should stick!

We encourage you to examine your own heart. How primed is your marriage? Are you allowing the hunter greens and reds of your or your spouse’s past sins to bleed through? If so, you need to apply a fresh coat of forgiveness. This time make sure it’s the kind that adheres permanently. The only way to do this is to remember how Christ has covered your own sin and has blocked your stains permanently. What a Savior!

Pray and ask God to help you forgive your spouse in the same way for this is the foundation of a healthy marriage.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Forgiveness, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Advantage of Vantage Points

Posted on May 31, 2013 by Debi Walter
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Vantage Point is the name of a movie that came out in 2008. In it, the attempted assassination of an American President is shown over and over from different vantage points. It showed how each person saw the same thing, yet formed different responses based on their view.  I found the movie fascinating and also quite helpful for encouraging strong marriages. How, you might ask? I believe it helps to see how people can be witnesses to the exact same event, but see it in a different way forming a completely different conclusion as to what happened. It helps in realizing how often we judge others, including our spouse, based on our vantage point, not taking into consideration the way they see it and why. And it helps to know that our spouse may see parts of the situation that we are blind to, thus providing needed protection from unseen dangers.

Take social media and marriage.

Imagine one spouse is very “connected” to friends of the opposite sex that the other spouse doesn’t know. It could be a former co-worker. It could be an old high-school friend. It could be someone they’ve met on-line in an innocent way.  Yet when your spouse finds out about your chatting/texting/IMing, they get upset. It would be easy to disregard their concern labeling them as jealous, over-protective, untrusting, etc.

But have you considered their vantage point? Seeing you talking in a familiar way with someone they don’t know should be cause for concern. Not because you are being unfaithful, but because in doing so you are cracking a door open that should stay tightly shut.

Tom and I have a rule that we have tried to abide by for most of our marriage and that is that we don’t do anything alone with a member of the opposite sex. Tom says he wants to “avoid the appearance of evil”, even if it is completely legit. Becoming too close, too familiar with someone else is not healthy for any marriage. Those who have had an adulterous affair, whether physical or emotional, will tell you that they never intended to have one. They’ll often say, “It just happened.” Well, that’s their vantage point, but it isn’t an honest one. If we could replay the tape from another vantage point, we would see where the door was cracked open long before the affair ever took place. They let their guard down and may have ignored the warning signs from their close friends or spouse.

God intends for the partnership between a husband and wife to be one where warning signs are heeded, not ignored.

So, if your spouse has communicated concern about how you’re relating to someone of the opposite sex, we encourage to listen to their vantage point. It might just prevent the assassination of your marriage! Or if you’re the one who is making assumptions about what your spouse is doing or not doing, take time to let them explain it from their vantage point. It may bring resolve helping you see there is no need to be concerned.

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Temptation | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

Being One In Purpose ON Purpose

Posted on May 28, 2013 by Tom and Debi

join the conversation button

We  have dear friends over at Marriage Missions International who are also members of The Christian Marriage Bloggers Association with us. Their website is full of biblical wisdom regarding every issue concerning marriage. They have been doing this for well over a decade, so their wealth of wisdom is great. Last week they posted the following post on the aspect of “being one.”

If you are struggling in your marriage with constant fights or disagreements that never seem to be resolved, then please read this post in its entirety. We believe it will provide answers you may not have considered.

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Photo Credit: thisischurch.com

Photo Credit: thisischurch.com

“That they may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you…” (John 17:1)

When I read the above scripture, I was and still am inspired, as it pertains to marriage because I believe God wants us to live in unity, within marriage. Yes, I know that sounds simplistic and is a “given” as far as how most people approach marriage. But something happens along the way in life to cause division in that unity in most marriages, and that’s what I’d like to address.

I believe we have short memories when it comes to our wedding vows. On that “party day” most of us stand before a minister and give promises similar to this:

I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband),

to have and to hold from this day forward,

for better or for worse,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish;

until death, do us part.”

Those are pretty important promises —ones that definitely declare that you are determined to be each other’s partner, united in purpose, on purpose.

Yesterday, as I was reading my Oswald Chambers devotional, MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST, it was pointed out that Jesus set us an example of how we are to live “united” in purpose, and that He did so purposefully. He prayed that those who follow Him are to “be one” as the Son and Father are one.

When you put that in the context of marriage, it would make sense that this should be our goal, as well. After all, marriage is a living picture of Christ’s love for His church That’s the picture that we, as God’s children, are supposed to live out in marriage. It wouldn’t say much about the love and commitment of Christ, if He didn’t show that He loved and cared for, worked with, and was united with His bride. And the same can be said for us, in our marriages.

Here at Marriage Missions, we hear over and over again from those who email us and also those who comment on this web site words such as, “we are both Christians but we can’t stop fighting” also, “we both love the Lord but our home is a war zone; our kids are so hurt because we can’t agree on anything —we keep fighting.”

That boggles my mind. I can understand having disagreements here and there (because that’s a “normal” part of living with another human being —especially one we are so close to) but to have the home be a “war zone” and the husband and wife “can’t stop fighting?” We’re talking about Bible-believing, Christ-loving, church-going Christ-followers, here. How can that be? SOMETHING is drastically, horribly wrong with this “picture.”

Oswald Chambers wrote a few things in his devotional that gave me pause to think. As I share them, I hope that as you prayerfully read them they will do the same for you. He wrote:

“Jesus has prayed that you may be one with the Father as He is. Are you helping God to answer that prayer, or have you some other end for your life? Since you became a disciple you cannot be as independent as you used to be.”

As I read that, I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 7, which talks about marriage. It’s laid out clearly that our interests, after marrying, needs to be focused on pleasing each other. A spirit of unity comes to mind. “You cannot be as independent as you used to be.” As I read the above paragraph I thought, are we helping God with the “living picture” he puts forth in scripture about the unity and love of the bride and Bridegroom? Are we trying to help our spouse grow closer to the Father, or are we getting in the way with our agendas?

Oswald Chambers goes on to write:

“The purpose of God is not to answer our prayers, but by our prayers we come to discern the mind of God, and this is revealed in John 17. There is one prayer God must answer, and that is the prayer of Jesus —’that they may be one, even as We are One.’ Are we as close to Jesus Christ as that?”

“God is not concerned about our plans; He does not say —Do you want to go through this bereavement; this upset? He allows these things for His own purpose. The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better, nobler men and women; or they are making us more captious and faultfinding, more insistent upon our own way. The things that happen either make us fiends, or they make us saints; it depends entirely upon the relationship we are in with God.”

OUCH! Those can be hard words, especially for those who are in difficult marriages. But our spouse cannot MAKE us hold onto sinful attitudes and MAKE us treat him or her in ways that we shouldn’t. We can be bitter or better, noble, or not. If you truly read the scriptures, you will know the attitudes you are to “clothe” yourself with and those you are to shed. Don’t allow yourself to go down the path of being contentious and a “fiend” rather than having the “same attitude as that of Christ Jesus” (as we’re told to do in Philippians 2).

Go God’s way. Be one —especially with the Father —revealing and reflecting the heart of Christ within marriage and in other relationships. Be one in purpose ON PURPOSE.

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.“

And that ESPECIALLY means, with your husband or wife!

We encourage you to sign-up for Marriage Missions weekly e-mail newsletter where you’ll benefit from their wisdom as we have.

Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Guest Post, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Being One In Purpose ON Purpose

May Memorial Day Remind Us…

Posted on May 27, 2013 by Debi Walter

…what a gift we have in each other. Pray for those spouses who can no longer kneel together in prayer. What a sacrifice these couples have given for our freedom!

Our hearts and prayers are with all who today have empty arms and hearts! Thank you!

Memorial Day

Photo Credit: Matt Matthews Photography

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Stomping Good News!

Posted on May 24, 2013 by Tom and Debi
stomp-peggy-wilson

Art by Peggy Wilson

As I type this post we are sitting in a place we have dreamed would happen—one day. For the past couple of months we have been looking for a mountain cabin to purchase to make available for couples and families to rent for vacation. We also wanted it large enough for our family to come when possible, and nice enough for a couple to use for their honeymoon. What we’re most excited about is the possibility for future retreats—marriage, ladies’, mens’, and maybe even writer’s retreats.

Yesterday, we closed on Barefoot Cabin. It was originally named Bearfoot Cabin, but we wanted the name to reflect a part of life on a vineyard. We didn’t name it The Romantic Vineyard simply because we don’t want families to feel it’s too romantic for their children to come and enjoy. And we thought folks would expect there to be a working vineyard on-site. Oh, how I wish it had one, but we DO have one less than a mile away. It’s called Banner Elk Winery, and it’s everything you would expect a small vineyard to be. We’ve driven by it, but have yet to go in and introduce ourselves. We will soon.

We’ve chosen the name “Barefoot Cabin” for a couple of reasons:

  1. We want our guests to kick off their shoes and make themselves at home from the moment they enter the door.
  2. We found a piece of art that depicts grape stomping, and we realized what an important aspect this is of making great wine. It all begins with stomping the grapes in order to extract the sweet juice of the vine, and what an excellent metaphor for making a great marriage. God takes two different people and uses life’s challenges to meld them into one flesh—one marriage, that can be poured out as an offering to the Lord. And like grape-stomping, it can be messy at times.

We knew as soon as we saw the painting that this was to be the name! 

Our cabin has 5 bedrooms, 3-1/2 baths, two huge porches, a hot tub, pool table, and blackberry vines galore (my childhood favorite)! We will be working between now and the end of June making the place our own, Once we’re finished we’ll share with you pictures and how to go about reserving a getaway, if you would like.

We are reading through The One Year Bible this year for our devotions, and imagine how amazed we were when we read the following verse in today’s reading:

“This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.” – Psalm 118:23 ESV

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, resources, Romantic Vacation Ideas | Tagged , , , , , , , | 34 Comments

Wordless Wednesday – Add Your Caption In The Comment

Posted on May 22, 2013 by Debi Walter

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Posted in Wordless Wednesday | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

What To Do When You Don’t Know What To Do

Posted on May 21, 2013 by Debi Walter

Confused-Image1

Now that’s a title! And it’s one most of us face at one time or another in our marriage. There are times when we don’t have a clue what is best for us in certain situations. Maybe your spouse feels strongly you should do one thing, but you aren’t sure. Maybe you are fearful of the “what if’s” and it’s prohibiting you from taking steps of faith. Whatever it is, times like these are hard to face, even if you have a strong marriage.

We have learned how to navigate these turbulent waters by trial and error.

We have recently faced a similar challenge, one where we needed to make an important decision, but weren’t sure which way God was leading.

I had a pretty strong sense of what I thought God was saying. But I knew I didn’t want to “talk Tom into something” if he didn’t have the faith for it. So what did I do? I prayed. Not the kind of prayer where I’m pleading with God to help Tom see it MY way–no, I know this is a form of trying to manipulate God into manipulating my husband. It’s wrong. Instead, I prayed the way Jesus showed us to pray.

When He was facing a difficult road, knowing His road would end in death. He prayed asking God if this cup could pass from Him, but He didn’t stop there. He added, “nevertheless, not my will but your’s be done.” There’s the answer!

When we don’t know what to do, we pray for God’s will to be done. I’ll also include parts of The Lord’s Prayer: “Your kingdom come, Your will be done, On earth as it is in Heaven.” And then comes a very important part. I have to let it go and trust God to lead through my husband.

This isn’t being a doormat letting my husband do everything his way. No, the right way to make important decisions is to talk about it over and over. Make sure you are both hearing what the other is saying. Ask lots of questions and repeat what you heard your spouse say. Then, as you pray, trust that God will direct your husband to the right decision. It may be that he chooses other than the way you would have chosen. This is a great way to discover how much you trust God to lead through your husband.

Will he ever make a mistake? You can be sure he will. But if he does, it’s because God wants to teach him, or ME, something in the process.

I heard someone say, I think it was John Piper, that if we could see what God sees we would choose the same road He’s chosen for us. But we can’t see what God sees. So we can either rest in His sovereignty–that’s a big word for God’s ability to control all things–or we can grow weary in trying to always get things to line up the way we want them to.

In 34 years of marriage I’ve learned it’s a lot easier to rest.

God has promised He will never leave us or forsake us. He has promised to tell us which way to walk. And I choose to believe that He meant what He said. I remember vividly when I first began to walk in this truth. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders when I realized it was easier to let go than to hold on for my demands. And you know what? When I’m at peace it has a huge affect on how my husband leads.

How have you and your spouse learned to make important decisions? Has it been hard or have you discovered a way that would help others to know? Won’t you share in our comments so others can benefit? 

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Leadership, Roles In Marriage, Submission, The Gospel & Marriage, Wives | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Are You Discouraged About Your Marriage Today?

Posted on May 20, 2013 by Debi Walter

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Today my heart is heavy for those whose marriages are in a really difficult place. You may have just discovered your spouse has been unfaithful to you. You may be walking with them through a chronic or terminal illness. You may be dealing with a financial crisis you never imagined would come your way. Whatever it is you’re facing, you are saddened by it all, and you may be tempted to hopelessness.

It’s impossible for me to say “I know what you’re going through.” I don’t! And even if I’ve faced the same trouble, it’s never the same. My encouragement to you comes in the form of a quote. When I read it on my daughter’s Facebook page, I was immediately challenged by the godly perspective. My hope is that you will be too.

“The difference between shallow happiness and a deep sustaining joy is sorrow. Happiness lives where sorrow is not. When sorrow arrives, happiness dies. It can’t stand pain. Joy, on the other hand, rises from sorrow and therefore can withstand all grief. Joy, by the grace of God, is the transfiguration of suffering into endurance, and of endurance into character, and of character into hope–and the hope that has become our joy does not (as happiness must for those who depend upon it) disappoint us.” Walter Wangrin, Reliving the Passion.

Did you catch that? Joy rises from the sorrow! I love that. I’ve often said that in all our suffering God has placed hidden joy for us to discover. Those who ask Him will find it. Those who cower under the pain miss it.

How I wish I could take your hand and look in your eyes and remind you of the faithfulness of your God. He can’t be unfaithful to you, for it would be outside of His character to do so. Friends can disappoint us, a spouse can hurt us deeply, but God will never leave you no matter how difficult the pain. He will carry you. He will sustain you. And yes, He will cause joy to rise from your pain.

Father, I pray for all who will read this post today. Will You help them in their pain? I ask that they will sense Your nearness to them right now. Whatever it is they are facing today in their marriage, will You give them faith and hope to face it, to endure it? I ask, in Jesus’ name, that You comfort them with the comfort only You can provide. Where there seems to be no way will You show them differently? I know that You are a great God. You are near to those who are broken-hearted, and You save those who are crushed in Spirit. May they sense Your help and hope as they read this prayer. It’s in Your Name and for Your glory that we ask these things.

In Jesus’ precious name, Amen!

Posted in Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Finding Joy, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

GYRO Week 14 – Flashlight Tag Date

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Debi Walter
Graphic from Potholes in my blog

Graphic from Potholes in my blog

This is our last date idea in our Get Your Romance On series. We hope you’ve enjoyed realizing how fun it can be to stay home and date your spouse. No babysitter, no restaurant bills to pay, just the two of you making a memory in your home–the place where God has chosen for you to live life and love another!

We found this appropriate T-shirt you could buy for your spouse to introduce the date.

T-shirt by Zazzle

T-shirt by Zazzle

All you need for this date is a good flashlight. Here’s how it works:

  • Turn all the lights off in the house.
  • Play your favorite music.
  • Take turns hiding in the house  as the other with the flashlight counts to ten.
  • Search the house for your love.
  • When you find them they have to take off one piece of clothing.
  • Then it’s the other’s turn.
  • Repeat until there are no clothes left, or you find something else you’d rather do! 😉

We hope you’ve enjoyed the past fourteen weeks of ways to Get Your Romance On in your own home. To recap we’ve provided a link to each week below.

We also wanted to highlight the two couples who have done an amazing job sharing their GYRO Challenge dates with us. Make sure you visit their blogs for more creative at-home date ideas. You’ll be inspired!

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Posted in Blog Love, D.R.A.B., Date Night Ideas, Dating Your Spouse, GYRO Challenge, Romance in Marriage, romancing your spouse, romantic date nights | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

I Couldn’t Be Happier

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Debi Walter
Happy Mother's Day to me!

Happy Mother’s Day to me!

As you know, my family surprised me last week by taking me to Savannah for Mother’s Day. I was struggling with sadness the entire week before because everywhere I went I saw signs for Mother’s Day reminding me my Mother was no longer here.

I couldn’t believe that all my kids would make such an effort to cheer me up. And that they did! The picture above is only one of hundreds I took. (They don’t call me Nanarazzi for nothing!) I was and am overwhelmingly blessed.

Stella Grace

Stella Grace

I’ve mentioned before that I often pay attention to the song on my heart when I awake in the morning. I see it as God’s way of speaking to me before the day begins. Well, is it any surprise that the song I awoke with on Mother’s Day was this one? Enjoy this segment from one of my all-time favorite Broadway productions, Wicked.

Posted in A Fragrant Aroma, Aging, Celebrations, Christian Marriage, Finding Joy, Growing Strong Marriages, Music, Seasons of Life, Testimonies, Thankfulness | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Thankful For My Husband’s Failures

Posted on May 15, 2013 by Debi Walter

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I am being freshly challenged by what it means to be a helper to my husband. It is a high calling and one that doesn’t come naturally to me. I am selfish and tend to go after what makes me happy, rather than purpose to do things to bless my husband. I am a work in progress!

Elyse Fitzpatrick has provided us a rich resource in her excellent book, Helper By Design. Today I want to share with you her thoughts on being thankful for our husband’s current struggle. That’s right, thankful!

Jesus, Friend of Sinners

Have you ever considered that God has placed you precisely in the marriage you’re in so that you might learn what it’s like to companion and help a fallen one? He wants us to be conformed to His image–He who was known as the one who ate with “tax collectors and sinners.” (Matthew 11:19 NKJV). Why not stop now and meditate on this blessed truth? (Helper By Design, pg. 51-52)

She goes on to lead us in this prayer:

Lord, You’re the only One who, because of Your purity, has a right to object to a relationship with sinners; and yet, Lord, You’re the One who stooped down to befriend me. Help me to remember that it’s into Your image that I’m being remade. (pg. 52)

God desires to use our husband’s failures to help us become more like Him.

He was willing to bridge the gap of our failures in order to bring us closer to God. When we love our husband in the midst of his failures, we are becoming more like Christ. We are helping him remember how much Christ loves him even though he doesn’t deserve it.

It sounds so simple as I’m typing this post, but I know from experience it’s anything but simple. When Tom fails to do something he said he would do, the last thing I’m thinking of is thanking God for this opportunity to be more like Him. No, I’m usually making a mental list of all the reasons I’m justified in being angry with Tom’s failure to meet my expectation. Ouch! Can you relate?

Think of your favorite TV sitcoms. Most of them represent the wife as all-wise and knowing and the husband as clueless. The wife has to hold a heavy hand over her husband in order to get him to do what she thinks he should. This is nothing less than manipulation, and it isn’t part of the helper role God has called us to.

It’s easy to find fault.

It’s easy to justify our self-righteous position thinking we’re better than our husband.

These two facts alone should clue us in that this isn’t the way God has called us to live. If it’s easy, then we can be sure there’s a good chance we’re feeding our selfishness, rather than our growth in godliness. Becoming more like Christ is a battle of wills–His will for ours!

Elyse goes on to say:

In light of that calling, rather than longing for the day that our husbands change (into our image), we should focus on and pursue our own change into Christ’s image. Instead of praying that your husband would change to please you, why not seek to become thankful for God’s ability to use even his failures and weaknesses to further your transformation? Of course, we are to pray for and patiently await his growth in holiness, but we must be vigilant to maintain a thankful heart all along the way. (pg. 52, emphasis mine)

Whoa! That’s hard, isn’t it? It’s one thing to be willing to overlook his offenses and failures, but to be thankful for them? That’s something entirely different! God has called us to a high calling, and for me that’s more than just a stretch–it’s a Herculean leap. Honestly, I would give up right now in despair if I didn’t trust that He will provide grace and strength for me to be my husband’s faithful friend. (pg. 53)

Marriage is hard work. It isn’t natural to be this kind of friend to my husband.

And God knew this was the case. He knew we would have to seek strength outside of ourselves to be a helper suitable to our sinful husband. He knew they would also need to seek the same strength to love and lead us. This is why He has bound Himself in covenant to us in marriage. We are not only two who have become one flesh–we are a triple braided cord that isn’t easily broken.

Elyse asks the following question, and I think it’s a great way to end this post. Ask yourself…

“Am I willing for God to make me thankful for my husband’s failures so that I can learn what it means to be like Christ–a friend of sinners?” (pg. 53)

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Roles In Marriage, Submission, Wives | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Are You A Suitable Companion?

Posted on May 14, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: Glamor.com

Photo Credit: Glamour.com

As we continue our series focusing on the wife’s role as a helper to her husband, I want to share how much this has helped our marriage become what it is today. Not that I’ve been the one solely to make it happen, (God, and Tom, knows that’s not true!) But the two of us learning and applying what we’ve been taught in regard to our specific roles in marriage has made all the difference.

God created the idea of marriage, so it baffles me when people grumble or complain about how He designed it. This only reveals a lack of trust in who God is, not in the differing roles in marriage. Those who truly know God want to learn the right way of doing things. They want to please Him. And they want to understand the things He requires even when they don’t make sense to them on the surface.

When we are confused and lack understanding we must dig deeper. God will help us through His Holy Spirit if we’re really wanting to learn and grow.

A Covenant of Companionship

The next part of being a helper to our husband involves the idea of companionship. Elyse Fitzpatrick from her book, Helper By Design, says:

When you contemplate your relationship with your husband, do you see yourself peacefully lying in the bend of his arm, helping by speaking words of comfort, truth, and strength to him? I know that it’s easy to forget, but a wife, because of her nearness, is usually the most powerful human influence in her husband’s life. Conversely, when she neglects her calling to direct him toward faithful living, a wife has great potential to harm.” (Helper By Design, pg. 49)

I remember fondly when we were first married how much I enjoyed cuddling up with Tom with  my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat. I loved the nearness of lying there with him, and I felt safe. The question to ask is does my husband feel safe with my nearness to him? Have I become such a close companion to him through all that life has brought us through that he knows he can come to me for help, comfort, support and encouragement no matter what it is that’s weighing on his heart? This should be the goal of every marriage. To get so close in life that you become what the Bible says in Proverbs 17:17, one who “sticks closer than a brother.”

Elyse encourages us to ask ourselves the following questions to help us take these truths to heart and apply them.

  • Do you intentionally seek to be a companion for your husband?
  • If an outsider observed your daily routine, would he say that befriending your husband is important to you? How would he be able to tell?
  • Are you intentionally setting out to help him by being a continual influence for good in your husband’s life? Can you give an example?
  • Do you recognize the power that your friendship wields in his life? How do you use that power?
  • Have you committed yourself to stand by him throughout all the trials he faces? (Helper By Design, pg. 50)

These are thought provoking questions that cut to the heart of the matter. Answering them honestly while praying earnestly for God to help you will do more to help your marriage grow than anything else you could do or say. You can’t change your husband, but you can change how you relate to him. I encourage you to take this series and be diligent in going after the things God reveals are lacking in your heart (and buy Elyse’s book). He will help you become a better companion to your husband. How do I know? Because I’ve seen what God has done in my heart, as well as witnessing the transformation of other marriages of close friends.

How would you rate the companionship level in your marriage? Are you willing to allow God to help you become a companion suitable to your husband?

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Intimacy, Roles In Marriage, Submission, The Gospel & Marriage, Troubled Marriage, Wives | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

GYRO Week 13 – Get Lucky Date Night

Posted on May 13, 2013 by Tom and Debi

Photo Credit: www.burypartners.com

Everyone knows the number 13 is thought to be bad luck. Hotels skip  numbering a floor with it which has never made sense to me. Just because you choose to go from floor #12 to floor #14 doesn’t mean the 13th floor doesn’t exist. Anyway, I’m drifting from the point. I’m not superstitious in the least. I trust God and believe He made the number 13 as well as everything else in the world. So let’s have some romantic fun and recapture this number making this date a memorable one.

  • Plan your date on the 13th of the month, which happens to be today! Oh my, that’s lucky, isn’t it? And it’s 2013! 🙂 Or you could wait until another month to give yourself more time to plan.
  • Make a list of 13 things you love about your spouse. Tuck them away to share with them the night of your date.
  • Either plan your dinner around the Luck O The Irish theme, or use a Kentucky Derby theme, since everyone knows a horseshoe is good luck. Even though the Derby was last week, it would still be fun to have your own Derby party. Buy a big hat for the evening and dress up for your dinner. Click the picture below for some great recipes.
Photo Credit: Hallmark.com

Photo Credit: Hallmark.com

  • Find a penny dated the year you were married. Give it to your spouse telling them it’s to remind them of how lucky you are to be married.
  • Give them 13 of their favorite things–e.g. candy bars, snacks, drinks, etc. Whatever it is they enjoy snacking on each day.
  • Play a Top 10 Trivia game about luck. See how much you know about this way of thinking.
  • Finally, whisper in your spouse’s ear that tonight they’re going to get lucky! You’re sure to bring a smile on their face and memory they won’t soon forget.

One of our favorite love songs is titled, Lucky by Jason Mraz. We hope you enjoy this video we made after a cruise we took of the Western Caribbean.

 

 

Posted in Christian Marriage, Creative Dates, Date Night Ideas, Dating Your Spouse, Fun Dates, GYRO Challenge, Romance in Marriage, romancing your spouse, romantic date nights | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I Interrupt This Normal Blog Post…

Posted on May 8, 2013 by Tom Walter

…to let you know my love and care for Debi this Mother’s Day has led me to intervene in her regular schedule in order to take her away for the next few days.

Image courtesy of pakorn at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of pakorn at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Our kids wanted to do something special this year since it’s Debi’s first Mother’s Day without her mom. I thought it was a great idea and did what I could to help make it happen.

Debi cried when we told her last night. Yep, that makes it worth all the effort!

What are your plans this year? Are you helping your kids communicate their love for their mom in unexpected ways? Check out our Romantic Mother’s Day ideas under the Only Husbands tab above.

We’ll be back on Monday. Thanks for understanding!

Posted in A Fragrant Aroma, Growing Strong Marriages, romancing your wife | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

How A Wife Can Mirror God In Her Marriage

Posted on May 7, 2013 by Debi Walter
Mirror verse

Deeper With Jesus In Rhode Island blog

Most of us are familiar with the hit tune, Stand By Your Man. It’s a great virtue really, to be willing to stand up for, beside and with your man through all the ins and outs of married life. But it isn’t easy. Especially when they do things we don’t like or don’t understand.

As a Christian wife I know I’m called by God to be his helper. But to be a helper sounds so demeaning, like helping him do something he should be able to do himself. Or as Elyse Fitzpatrick puts it:

…when I heard the term, I tended to think of little toddlers struggling to put their toys away and trying, however inanely, to be “good little helpers.” But the concept of being a helper is much richer and far more challenging than I had ever imagined. (Helper By Design, pg. 38)

If you are tracking with me so far, I ask that you stay with me through this series.

There is no issue in regard to marriage that is more misunderstood and more maligned by our culture than the idea of the Christian wife’s role in submitting to and helping her husband. That word makes many women cringe, like hearing fingernails running down a chalkboard. It’s unpleasant and undesirable to most.

But have you ever considered that God is our Helper? The Holy Spirit was willing to come after Christ’s ascension to be our Helper, to help us become what we couldn’t become on our own. He lives in us and empowers us to do far more than we ever imagined was possible.

Does this elevate the idea in your mind of what it means to be a helper to your husband? Elyse continues on this idea saying,

“When I place the term helper as a descriptor of God’s activity and character, it takes on a whole new meaning, doesn’t it? I understand that as I grow in my ability to truly help my husband, I’m not regressing into some sort of infantile servitude; I’m becoming more like God: being a helper is one very specific way that women can mirror and glorify the Lord.” (Helper By Design, pg. 38)

Now this type of attitude is never appealing to one who is seeking their own interests. This is why in 1 Corinthians 13 the Bible tells us that love doesn’t insist on its own way. One who loves is seeking the best for their spouse and to do whatever is needed to help them.

Is being a helper is starting to sound more intriguing, more curious? If it is, then you’re beginning to understand God’s intention in our helper design. Elyse references several Bible passages in the following description of God’s helping nature in order to help us identify further what this looks like for us as wives.

A wife who is reflecting God’s helping character desires to sustain or uphold her husband; she strengthens, comforts, and seeks to protect him. Because of her love for the Lord and for her husband, she endeavors to dispel his fears by being trustworthy and gracious. She leans for strength upon her Lord so that she might share that strength with her husband. In her heart he finds shelter and protection from the world; he finds a companion who offers him what he really needs: help in his God-given calling. (Helper By Design, pg. 39)

Psalm 54:4; Psalm 86:16-17; Isaiah 41:10;Psalm 37:40;Psalm 28:7

The foundation of our marriage is built on Christ alone. He is the One who undergirds our covenant to love and cherish until death parts us. It is a privilege to discover year after year what it looks like to develop this covenant in a way which mirrors God by the way we love and treat our husband. If you still find the idea of being a helper to your husband distasteful, please stick around. There is much more to be said about this high-calling for us as women.

For further study, I recommend the following MP3 download titled, Watch Your Man. There is also an outline available for your convenience. Both are FREE. 

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Roles In Marriage, Submission, The Gospel & Marriage, Wives | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

What It Means To Be A Helper To Your Husband

Posted on May 6, 2013 by Debi Walter

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I was talking with some ladies a while ago when the conversation led to our role as our husband’s helper. It was a good discussion with friends who have strong marriages that have lasted decades. There were some who shared how their husband valued their input in all decisions regarding their marriage, family, business decisions, etc. But when we brought up the idea of helping our husband by disagreeing with them on certain subjects that the conversation surprised me.

These women were afraid of lovingly challenging their husband’s decisions, even when they felt their concern was from God. They chose to keep quiet and let the consequences play out as they would, instead of sharing with their husband their thoughts.

Why? Why would a wife be quiet when it seemed her husband was making a wrong decision?

I believe the primary reason, as was brought up that day, was fear. They were afraid of how their husband would respond to their concern. They were afraid they would undermine their husband’s leadership in their marriage. It’s clear to see they were being led by fear and not faith.

So this begs the question: Wives, how comfortable are you with sharing your concerns with your husband? It can be in decisions he’s making for the family. Or it can be in sharing observations you’ve made about his lack in his relationship with the Lord or any other area.

Agreed, these aren’t easy topics to discuss. It seems a minefield  just waiting to explode. But it’s often in the midst of these explosive discussions that God gets our husband’s attention, and ours for that matter!

Our 18th year of marriage was one long conflict that started when I made an observation in Tom’s life. I said it full of pride and arrogance, judging him based on what I saw lacking in him. He heard it with my displeasure in him, which led him to feeling condemnation from God, not grace. We were living in a minefield and the casualties were many.

That was 16 years ago. As we look back on that year now, we can see clearly what God was after. God showed me that I wasn’t the standard in determining the health of Tom’s walk with the Lord. God showed Tom that he was listening to my observations with a filter of guilt, not grace. If we had been able to discuss what I was sensing without all this sin in the way, we could have benefited greatly in one sitting. But God was after something more. He was after the deep-seated motives of my heart, and He desired to remove this dangerous filter from Tom’s heart. It was all good, but it wasn’t fun, in the least!

Here’s the take away from this post: Ask yourself if you hold back in any way in sharing your thoughts and concerns with your husband. Then, determine why.

I’m going to park on this topic all week, and see where it is the Lord is leading us in growing our marriages stronger for God’s glory. It might be an area of your marriage you’ve yet to explore. Let’s trust God to help us become better helpers to our husband in the fullest sense of this word!

I love the song, Dancing In The Minefields by Andrew Peterson. It goes well with our topic. Enjoy…

The resource I’m using for this topic is a book by Elyse Fitzpatrick titled, Helper By Design and can be purchased by clicking the link. It is available in book form or for your Kindle. 

Linking up with The Happy Wives Club 🙂

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Roles In Marriage, Submission, The Gospel & Marriage, Wives | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments