Years ago we were helping another couple who had been struggling with sexual intimacy. They had a strong marriage. They loved each other, but the wife didn’t really enjoy sex. As the years passed it was getting more and more difficult for her to go along with it as she always had.
This was when the husband asked for help. He didn’t know what to do or how to help her.
About this same time we were going through a book by Paul David Tripp titled, Instruments In The Redeemer’s Hands. An excellent resource for helping the church be the church in caring for one another in love.
The main premise taught is this: To love, know, speak and do, and in that order.
Basically, most of us are quick to want to DO something right away when we hear of a need or problem. Husbands do this to their wives wanting to FIX the problem before they really listen to what their wife is saying. We all do this when you think about it. You hear of someone who is sick and the first thing you say is, “What can I do to help…”
But Mr. Tripp is suggesting that we need to love those with whom we’re helping first. We do this by listening completely to what they have to say for as long as they need to say it. Once they have finished sharing their heart (love), you can then ask more questions to make sure you understand fully what they’ve said (know). Then, based on what you’ve learned in the first two steps you can share what you think might help (speak). And once you’ve paved the way with good communication you’re finally ready to help them as they really need it (do).
This was such practical advice to us as we purposed to help this couple. Without really loving them by listening we could have easily made false assumptions as to the why of their dilemma. But we did listen, and we discovered a big surprise in the process. When we asked the wife if she had ever climaxed, her response was, “I think so.”
I told her based on her response I didn’t think she had because when you have experienced this most wonderful part of making love with your spouse, there is no doubt as to what happened! You know!! 😉
This led us to talk candidly with them. Tom sharing in detail how the husband could help his wife achieve orgasm e.g. being patient, loving, talking to make sure what he’s doing feels good, etc. I talked to the wife about how to respond to her husband and to help him get to know what works and what doesn’t, and how important it is to relax. We left them with an assignment to work on getting his wife to reach orgasm–which would be the first time in their nearly 20 years of marriage.
When we met the next time there was no doubt they had reached success. The wife was giddy and so was he. He shared that she was always ready, even when he was at work. One time she called and asked him to come home for lunch saying, “You’ve got a lot of catching up to do after all these years.” He was happy to oblige her request.
It made us realize that just because a couple appears fine with a family and years together, it doesn’t mean there aren’t areas which are in need of growth. This couple was more surprised than anyone. They had no idea what they were missing, and they thank God for helping them discover a new level of intimacy together.
Our hope is that by sharing this story it will help you better understand others as you purpose to love them, know them, and speak to them, before you try doing anything that may or may not be what they really need. And to make sure you really know what your spouse is needing before offering to help them as well.
Have you ever offered to help your spouse and it ended up not being what they really needed? How did you resolve the issue? And we must restate the obvious conclusion to this post–make sure your wife is enjoying your sexual intimacy to the fullest by helping her climax as often as she wants.
The Romantic Vineyard 