On Friday another dear friend of our’s went to be with the Lord. He would have been 66 this month, and he leaves behind a devoted wife, four adult children along with their spouses and many grandchildren who loved him and served him compassionately until his final breath. Steve Ballinger will be missed by everyone who knew him.
As a tribute to his lasting love for his wife and family we wanted to share the following video with you. It tells the story of another man, Fred, and his lasting love for his wife, Lorraine, of 73 years.
Let’s purpose to love our spouse and family in such a way that when we’re gone they will recall all the great times we shared together and give thanks to God.
The Special Blog of the Week we want to share with you is the Do Not Disturb blog. Justin and Megan do an excellent job of encouraging intimacy and the freedom there is to be found behind closed doors. They are thought-provoking, conversation inspiring, and down-right honest in discussing issues all married couples face at one time or another. You can follow them on Twitter @_DoNot_Disturb and on Facebook.
Here are a few of their recent posts we want to share with you:
Five Hindrances of Sexual Freedom 1 – Ego <<Love the conversation depicted between a married couple and their counselor. Very helpful as you evaluate your own answers.
Five Hindrances of Sexual Freedom 2 – Interests << The conversation continues with a counselor and another couple. This time to examine the genuine interests of the husband and wife. How would you answer the questions?
Finally, we want to share a need of which we’ve become aware; Scott and Bekah Crowell are dear friends who have only been married a few years. Scott has faced many physical challenges, mostly regarding his heart. It has escalated to a point where the doctors aren’t sure what is best for his care. They are working diligently to help bring him to a place of health. However, he lost his job and insurance the beginning of the year, and after two lost pregnancies they are now expecting again. Friends have set up a fundraiser to help them through this time. Empathy is putting yourself in another’s shoes. Would you consider donating if you are able. If you aren’t able, I know they would covet your prayers for them. Click the picture to access their page.
Today we offer our final date idea as thought of while reading the most romantic book in the Bible. We hope you’ve enjoyed every one, but please know this list is in no way exhaustive. We are certain we have missed some great ideas, so we invite you to help us add to the list. How fun to practice loving and romancing our spouse in the same way King Solomon obviously loved his bride, and how she in return loved him back in a passionate way.
Date #9 – Build An Outdoor Fire Under The Stars
Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD.
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.
(Song of Solomon 8:6-7 ESV)
I don’t know what it is about watching a fire crackle under an open sky that relaxes me, but it always has. I could sit for hours watching the flames, stirring the embers and enjoying quiet conversation at a slower pace. Tom lacked two merit badges from becoming an Eagle Scout–something he regrets to this day–but the knowledge he received as a result of such training is quite impressive. I feel safe with him in so many ways. He cares for me, provides for me, and helps create romantic moments like building an outdoor fire just because he knows how much I enjoy it. He knows how to do most everything well, and if he doesn’t he can usually figure out how to do it. I’m not exaggerating.
We have an outdoor fire pit in our backyard that we purchased at the end of the season one year. We’ve roasted marshmallows, invited friends over for a relaxing evening together, and welcomed many new years while seated around an outdoor fire. We’ve camped under the stars and in the morning cooked a great breakfast of bacon and eggs over the fire in a cast iron skillet. We’ve set up a romantic dinner table outside next to the fire on a cool fall evening to keep us warm. We’ve even built an amazing fire pit at our mountain cabin in Banner Elk, NC.
Barefoot Cabin Fire Pit
A fire provides the perfect backdrop for a romantic time together. One of our favorite times was reserving a fire ring at New Smyrna Beach. Having a blazing fire under the stars on the beach with the waves crashing on shore is nothing less than perfect! We’ve also enjoyed fires at several restaurant patios. This is a great way to make a dinner out even more meaningful. I guess you can tell I really love this idea. It’s why I saved this Song of Solomon date idea for last! 🙂
Building a fire is a lot like stirring the embers of passion in your marriage.
It takes effort, time and most of all a knowledge of what the fire needs to keep burning. Sometimes it’s fresh air, sometimes it’s dry wood, sometimes it simply needs someone to stir the flames. We hope the next time you see a fire burning, you’ll remember King Solomon’s wise counsel and plan to enjoy it with the wife of your youth.
What could you do today to stir the flames of passion in your marriage?
King Solomon made himself a carriage
from the wood of Lebanon.
He made its posts of silver,
its back of gold, its seat of purple;
its interior was inlaid with love
by the daughters of Jerusalem.
Go out, O daughters of Zion,
and look upon King Solomon,
with the crown with which his mother crowned him
on the day of his wedding,
on the day of the gladness of his heart.
(Song of Solomon 3:9-11 ESV)
Most have seen carriage rides through the streets of historic cities. We have ridden on horse-drawn carriages a few times, and they’re always memorable. Once in New York City around Central Park; Once in Helen, GA; Once in New Orleans, LA, once in the hills of Ireland (although these were called Jaunting Carts as seen in the image above, 🙂 and one of our favorite memories was the sleigh ride in Lake Tahoe, NV. We encourage you to make a memory the next time you’re in a town that offers them. The best part of this date idea is to do it for no special occasion when your spouse would least expect it. Doing things that take a bit more effort to plan, go a long way in communicating how deep your love is for your spouse.
Banner Elk Winery located near Barefoot Cabin (see side bar for more info)
Date #8 – Tour A Vineyard
Come, my beloved,
let us go out into the fields
and lodge in the villages;
let us go out early to the vineyards
and see whether the vines have budded,
whether the grape blossoms have opened
and the pomegranates are in bloom.
There I will give you my love.
The mandrakes give forth fragrance,
and beside our doors are all choice fruits,
new as well as old,
which I have laid up for you, O my beloved.
(Song of Solomon 7:11-13 ESV)
There is nothing as romantic as strolling through a vineyard together when the grapes are nearly ripe for harvest. So many vineyards offer deals on wine tastings along with appetizers, and the views are usually spectacular. Many offer a great spot for a romantic picnic as well. If there are many vineyards in your area why not make a day of it? We have had the privilege of visiting vineyards in France, Napa Valley, North Carolina, Georgia, New York, Canada and of course, Florida. And our favorites are the ones where we took the time to make it a romantic time to enjoy being alone together. Try it, you may just find a new favorite on your list of date night ideas.
Tomorrow we’ll offer our final date idea from Song of Solomon. You won’t want to miss it. 🙂
The voice of my beloved!
Behold, he comes,
leaping over the mountains,
bounding over the hills.
My beloved is like a gazelle
or a young stag.
Behold, there he stands
behind our wall,
gazing through the windows,
looking through the lattice.
My beloved speaks and says to me:
“Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away,
for behold, the winter is past;
the rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth,
the time of singing has come,
and the voice of the turtledove
is heard in our land.
The fig tree ripens its figs,
and the vines are in blossom;
they give forth fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away.
(Song of Solomon 2:8-13 ESV)
Plan an afternoon to visit a local garden. In Orlando we have Harry P. Leu Gardens that is filled with all kinds of plants indigenous to Florida. There are many areas where you can sit and take in the scents, the sights, the sounds and the wildlife. There is even an historic house that provides tours every hour. We encourage you on this date to leave your phones tucked away, and use your camera instead. Maybe even do a photo shoot of your spouse. Let this time be for long walks and holding hands, while sharing meaningful conversation about your hopes and dreams for the future. You might even want to bring a favorite book to read aloud to each other.
Date #6 – Play Hide And Go Seek
On my bed by night
I sought him whom my soul loves;
I sought him, but found him not.
I will rise now and go about the city,
in the streets and in the squares;
I will seek him whom my soul loves.
I sought him, but found him not.
The watchmen found me
as they went about in the city.
“Have you seen him whom my soul loves?”
Scarcely had I passed them
when I found him whom my soul loves.
I held him, and would not let him go
until I had brought him into my mother’s house,
and into the chamber of her who conceived me.
(Song of Solomon 3:1-4 ESV)
This date could be so much fun and with lots of variations. You could text your spouse leading them with hints where they might find you. At each place along the way you could have a little gift or surprise waiting for them to enjoy. Let each step help build the anticipation of seeing each other. You could do this one in your home, in your neighborhood, or in an historic shopping district. You could even combine this date with Date #5 in the garden. If you decide to do it at home you could allow your spouse to find pieces of your clothing during the game, and have them finally find you (not in your mother’s house or chamber), but in your own bedroom ready and waiting to be found! 😉
Welcome back! We are excited to share a couple of more date ideas based on the most romantic and sensual book in the Bible–The Song of Solomon.
Date #3 – Picnic With A View
While the king was on his couch,
my nard gave forth its fragrance.
My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh
that lies between my breasts.
My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
in the vineyards of Engedi.
Behold, you are beautiful, my love;
behold, you are beautiful;
your eyes are doves.
Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful.
Our couch is green;
the beams of our house are cedar;
our rafters are pine.
(Song of Solomon 1:12-17 ESV)
I love the idea of making the grass of the field your couch and the surrounding trees the beams of your outdoor dining room. Depending on where you live this room will look differently. Tom and I enjoyed the most amazing location for this type of picnic while visiting Beech Mountain, NC, last August. The picture at the top was our view, and we still talk about that day and how special it was. Do some research and find a hiking trail that leads to a place with a great view. Unpack your blanket and lunch, then take in the beauty of God’s creation and most of all His pleasure in giving you the gift of each other to share such a day like this together. Be sure to take some great photos too. You most likely will still be talking about this one years from now.
Date #4 – Hiking in the Mountains
O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
in the crannies of the cliff,
let me see your face,
let me hear your voice,
for your voice is sweet,
and your face is lovely.
Catch the foxes for us,
the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
for our vineyards are in blossom.”
My beloved is mine, and I am his;
he grazes among the lilies.
Until the day breathes
and the shadows flee,
turn, my beloved, be like a gazelle
or a young stag on cleft mountains.
(Song of Solomon 2:14-17 ESV)
Years ago we traveled to Sequoia National Forest in Central California. We took a trail and enjoyed walking among the giant trees that were centuries old. It was breathtaking, and I’m not talking about the steep incline. We also ended up with quite a story of our adventure in the great outdoors. I’ll post about that another time. Those who literally are willing to step out of their comfort zone to do something together that is out of the ordinary, may discover your intimacy deepens in the process. We know because we’ve done this many times. I’ve learned to trust Tom’s lead when he’s in his element, and I’m not. There’s nothing like fresh air and God’s mountains to refresh and invigorate your passion for one another. What’s the highest elevation near you? Have you ever gone there to discover the view? In Florida, we are definitely limited when it comes to elevation, but we do have the Ponce Inlet Lighthouse that offers an amazing view of the Inlet.
Believe it or not, we’re only halfway through our inspiring date ideas from King Solomon’s love journal. Who knew? 😉
The Song of Solomon is God’s proof that He is all for intimate, sexual love expressed solely between a husband and wife. It’s His idea!
After spending the past couple of weeks talking about sexual intimacy, we thought it would be good to offer some creative date ideas based on the most romantic book in the Bible. We’ve come up with a total of 9 dates. Some will cost some money, some will be free, but all are sure to help you celebrate the love you alone share with your spouse.
Date #1 – Massage Or Spa Date
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine;
your anointing oils are fragrant;
your name is oil poured out;
therefore virgins love you.
Draw me after you; let us run.
The king has brought me into his chambers.
We will exult and rejoice in you;
we will extol your love more than wine;
rightly do they love you.
(Song of Solomon 1:2-4 ESV)
There is something about a massage that helps you relax in a way nothing else can. If you have the resources, plan a day at the spa. Many offer couples massages with a detoxifying soak. We’ve even purchased them on Groupon before. If this is too much for your budget, then set up your bedroom like a spa, soft lighting, music and essential oils to soothe your spouse’s tired muscles, and hopefully excite other muscles. 😉 Make sure you have plenty of time to keep from feeling rushed. Turn off the phone and enjoy lots of kisses too! Check out Journey To Surrender’s excellent post on 10 Ways To Change Up Your Kissing Routine.
Date #2 – Day at the Beach
I am very dark, but lovely,
O daughters of Jerusalem,
like the tents of Kedar,
like the curtains of Solomon.
Do not gaze at me because I am dark,
because the sun has looked upon me.
My mother’s sons were angry with me;
they made me keeper of the vineyards,
but my own vineyard I have not kept!
Tell me, you whom my soul loves,
where you pasture your flock,
where you make it lie down at noon;
for why should I be like one who veils herself
beside the flocks of your companions?
(Song of Solomon 1:5-7 ESV)
Plan a day at the ocean, lake or some other place where you can enjoy the sun, sand and water together. Set up a nice tent if you have one and make it a real event. Plan a gourmet lunch with lots of fruit and wine if you like. Be sure to slowly rub the suntan lotion on your spouse’s body allowing them to soak in the rays as well as bask in the love that you both share.
Come back tomorrow when we’ll share more Song of Solomon Date Ideas. 🙂
Recap: Below are the links to all the posts in this series…
Years ago we were helping another couple who had been struggling with sexual intimacy. They had a strong marriage. They loved each other, but the wife didn’t really enjoy sex. As the years passed it was getting more and more difficult for her to go along with it as she always had.
This was when the husband asked for help. He didn’t know what to do or how to help her.
About this same time we were going through a book by Paul David Tripp titled, Instruments In The Redeemer’s Hands. An excellent resource for helping the church be the church in caring for one another in love.
The main premise taught is this: To love, know, speak and do, and in that order.
Basically, most of us are quick to want to DO something right away when we hear of a need or problem. Husbands do this to their wives wanting to FIX the problem before they really listen to what their wife is saying. We all do this when you think about it. You hear of someone who is sick and the first thing you say is, “What can I do to help…”
But Mr. Tripp is suggesting that we need to love those with whom we’re helping first. We do this by listening completely to what they have to say for as long as they need to say it. Once they have finished sharing their heart (love), you can then ask more questions to make sure you understand fully what they’ve said (know). Then, based on what you’ve learned in the first two steps you can share what you think might help (speak). And once you’ve paved the way with good communication you’re finally ready to help them as they really need it (do).
This was such practical advice to us as we purposed to help this couple. Without really loving them by listening we could have easily made false assumptions as to the why of their dilemma. But we did listen, and we discovered a big surprise in the process. When we asked the wife if she had ever climaxed, her response was, “I think so.”
I told her based on her response I didn’t think she had because when you have experienced this most wonderful part of making love with your spouse, there is no doubt as to what happened! You know!! 😉
This led us to talk candidly with them. Tom sharing in detail how the husband could help his wife achieve orgasm e.g. being patient, loving, talking to make sure what he’s doing feels good, etc. I talked to the wife about how to respond to her husband and to help him get to know what works and what doesn’t, and how important it is to relax. We left them with an assignment to work on getting his wife to reach orgasm–which would be the first time in their nearly 20 years of marriage.
When we met the next time there was no doubt they had reached success. The wife was giddy and so was he. He shared that she was always ready, even when he was at work. One time she called and asked him to come home for lunch saying, “You’ve got a lot of catching up to do after all these years.” He was happy to oblige her request.
It made us realize that just because a couple appears fine with a family and years together, it doesn’t mean there aren’t areas which are in need of growth. This couple was more surprised than anyone. They had no idea what they were missing, and they thank God for helping them discover a new level of intimacy together.
Our hope is that by sharing this story it will help you better understand others as you purpose to love them, know them, and speak to them, before you try doing anything that may or may not be what they really need. And to make sure you really know what your spouse is needing before offering to help them as well.
Have you ever offered to help your spouse and it ended up not being what they really needed? How did you resolve the issue? And we must restate the obvious conclusion to this post–make sure your wife is enjoying your sexual intimacy to the fullest by helping her climax as often as she wants.
One wouldn’t think this is such a difficult question to answer. I used to think sex ended when you got old–like in your fifties. But then, I turned 50! 😉 Now old is always 15 years older than me. I’m finally starting to realize that old is a relative term.
I’ve learned one thing through the years though, and that is that you can’t make generalizations when it comes to sex in marriage. Every marriage is different. God created us male and female with unique desires both good and bad. Sex is God’s idea. He intends for both husband and wife to enjoy their intimacy together. But sometimes there are reasons sex isn’t enjoyable, slows down or even comes to a complete halt. Here are some reasons we’ve heard about:
Sickness where one is left unable to have sex.
Paralysis
A season where the wife or husband no longer enjoys the act. This can be due to pain or fatigue or lack of knowledge (we’ll talk about this one tomorrow.)
An agreement by both to no longer have sex and to expend their energy on other things they both enjoy.
I’ll admit this last one is hard for me to understand. But there are couples who, as they get older, decide that sex isn’t as important as it once was. They’re still intimate in other ways, just without intercourse.
Tom and I have been discussing this for a few days now. We have perused our marriage blogging friends sites and haven’t found any who have chimed in on this topic–when or if sex ends in marriage as you age. (If you have written on this topic, please send us the link to add to our research!) We searched the internet and found a few interesting articles with helpful statistics:
The question we have for those in our readership who are in their 60’s, 70’s and even 80’s – did you and your spouse decide to stop having sex? If so, when and how did you come to this decision? You can comment anonymously, but please do comment! You can even e-mail us privately at theromanticvineyard [at] gmail [dot] com. We want to learn all we can about this season of marriage and what to expect, and you never know how your comment will help another marriage in the long run.
For now, we enjoy our physical intimacy. It might not happen as often as it did in our earlier years, but you might be surprised if I told you just how often it does happen, but I’m not going to do that. 😉 Suffice it to say that we are both quite satisfied with what God has done in our relationship. Can you say the same? Or do you feel as if you’ve given up? Won’t you join the conversation, to help yourself and others in the process?
Today we have a post featured on the Engaged Marriage blog. We encourage you to click over and read our challenge for the end of summer. It’s sure to help you and your spouse in the romance department. 🙂
I heard it again this morning. I was lamenting the fact to Tom that I’ve gained 10 pounds, and I’m having a hard time losing them. <sigh> His wise counsel to me was something I’ve heard over and over–you need to get off the computer and out exercising to boost your metabolism. I know he’s right, but something in me doesn’t want to hear it!
Why is that? Why is it when our spouse tells us something we know is right we’re tempted to disregard what they say, or worse–take offense to it?
I’m.not.going.to.do.that.this.time!
I’m in my workout clothes, I’m waiting to for my iPod to charge and then with walking shoes on, I’m going to do what he’s encouraged me to do so many times. I’m heading to Cranes Roost Park to walk a mile around the lake. Why there? Because once I start I’m committed to at least a mile because you can’t quit halfway as I’m often tempted to do.
This may seem like a little thing, but it’s not really. My husband loves me. He’s willing to tell me what I need to hear over and over again even when he knows I don’t want to hear it. And if I really love him I must, repeat with emphasis–I MUST, listen and do what I know I need to do.
What has your spouse said to you over and over again? Are they nagging or is it you’re not listening? Let’s not allow the enemy of our marriage to have victory in this seemingly little way anymore. Let’s be diligent to listen to our spouse and do what they suggest as soon as they suggest it. Oftentimes we hear them, but we are unwilling to stop what we’re doing to do what they’ve asked us to do. Could this be selfishness on display? It could be a subtle way to say, “I’ll do it, but on my terms not yours.”
Here are a few common requests we may have developed a deaf ear towards hearing our spouse say:
Did you take your vitamins?
Have you thrown the garbage?
Have you done the laundry yet?
What book have you decided to read?
Did you have your quiet time today?
Did you make that phone call?
Have you made an appt. for your annual check-up to the doctor? dentist?
As you can see these are questions about the mundane details of everyday living. Our spouse knows us better than anyone else. They also know how to push our buttons making huge arguments over little annoyances like those listed above. Why not stop the stress by just doing the thing you know you should do, or doing that which you’ve said you’d do before, but you keep putting it off?
Ok, enough writing. I have some walking to do–even on this hot Florida day. I can’t wait to hear how God helps you finally do what your spouse has been bugging you to do all along. Please add your comments so I know I’m not alone in this challenge. 🙂
I was touched recently by the tradition of Jerry Orbach to his wife, Elaine. You may remember him from his acting career on Law & Order for 13 years. Elaine will remember him as a faithful husband who never failed daily to tell her what she meant to him. Every morning he wrote her a 4 – 5 line poem expressing his love for her and placed it next to her coffee cup before he left for the day. And each morning after she read it she placed it in a soup tureen in the kitchen. When Jerry passed away in 2004 those little poems represented more to her than anything else he could have given her.
What a legacy this man provided for his wife and all who knew him. He loved her and his actions proved it. May we all be inspired to make the most of the little ways we are able to express our love. When it’s all said and done we may just realize that these little things were the most important of all.
You can purchase the book on Amazon by clicking here.
Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net by David Castillo Dominici
In our culture, with all the emphasis on sex, you wouldn’t think this is as big of an issue as it actually is. Yet no one wants to talk about it. Except, of course, for the spouse who is having to beg for sexual intimacy with their low drive spouse. It is very difficult and embarrassing for the both partners. Add to that the hurt feelings and misunderstandings that often accompany the tension these marriages are heading for disaster. Unless something happens.
Tom has always said that our sexual relationship isn’t the most important aspect of US, but it is a barometer that reveals how our marriage is doing. If you and your spouse are struggling in regards to physical intimacy, whether it’s lack of time, fatigue, desire or any number of other reasons, please know that you both have work to do. And it’s for the good of your marriage. The good news is there is much help available.
We are part of a larger community of marriage bloggers called CMBA (Christian Marriage Bloggers Association). Many of these bloggers have become our dear and trusted friends. They have been writing excellent posts about all sorts of things regarding sexual intimacy in marriage. As a result, we want to recommend a directory of posts that you can scroll through to see if there are any posts that speak to your particular challenge. If you don’t see what you’re looking for, please e-mail us (if you’d like to stay private) or comment requesting information about your particular topic.
God created marriage. Sex was His idea. We don’t want to make it more than it’s intended to be, but we don’t want to sideline it either. Finding the balance where you and your spouse can express your uninhibited love with each other in this way, does more to strengthen your vows to stay committed for a lifetime than anything else can. No one else can meet your spouse’s sexual needs. No one else is able to encourage them to such a depth. What a privilege that we have been chosen to love our spouse in such a way.
Let’s not let the enemy of marriage find a single victory in our relationships.
DIRECTORY OF CMBA POSTS ON SEXUAL DIFFICULTY IN MARRIAGE
Forbidden Fruit, by Marriage Missions International (be sure to click on the links mentioned as well.)
Porn, by The Generous Husband (this one is a combination of a series of posts on the subject of Pornography and the harmful effects it has on marriage. Make sure you read it in its entirety to understand everything Paul is saying. He offers addendums to clarify.)
What topics would you like to see added to this Directory?
Years ago our pastor jokingly referred to menopause as “Men On Pause.” I thought he was kidding at the very best, or I hoped he was exaggerating at the very least. Turns out he was quite right. <sigh>
Based on the number of comments we’ve received about our “When Your Sex Drive Putters Out” post, we think we need to keep this under-discussed topic going. We would love to hear from those who are facing issues and need advice, help, or someone to simply tell them they aren’t alone–you know you can always comment anonymously. We may not have the specific answers you need, but we can find the answers together.
We realize the sensitive nature of this topic.
I’m not sure why it is sensitive, but many women and men who are dealing with similar issues don’t want to talk about it. In fact, honestly Tom has faced some challenges, and when I mentioned posting about it he hesitated. When I asked why, he said he just didn’t know if it was necessary. I shared with him that telling the world about my struggle was hard–I even had trouble sleeping the night before because I wasn’t sure it I wanted to put myself out there like that. He realized that if us talking about such things helps one couple who wouldn’t get help otherwise then it’s worth the risk. He gave me the green light to discuss US as much as needed.
Today we want to identify some of the most common struggles older couples face. And then, post about them as the Lord gives help and insight.
Here are some symptoms a woman might have to clue you in menopause or peri-menopause is lurking at your door:
teariness
tingling muscles
aching shoulders
racing heart
insomnia
anxiety
forgetfulness
vaginal dryness (causing painful intercourse)
irritability
low libido
questions concerning purpose in life
fatigued
hot flashes/night sweats
Today’s Christian Woman has an excellent article to help identify 6 steps crucial to adjusting and even embracing the Big M. I highly encourage reading it for more information.
For men, their symptoms may include:
lack of focus
low libido
fatigue
weakness
depression
erectile dysfunction
Do any of these symptoms describe you or your spouse? Are they affecting your marriage in adverse ways? Have you talked with anyone about it, or have you both been suffering alone?
May we encourage you to seek help? There are many medical doctors who regularly work with patients in this season of life. It isn’t something to be hidden or ignored. It won’t go away, and your marriage will suffer in one way or another if you push it aside.
For now we only what to stir the pot and see who among us is struggling.
If you are, no one need tell you. You’ve most likely been saying “that’s me!” while reading this entire post. To help you feel more comfortable responding, we’ve created a Menopause Survey in order to see where you are in regards to this topic. We’d appreciate you all taking the time to fill it out completely and honestly.
Click the following link to access the survey. Thank you for helping us zoom in on this topic.
Everyone at some point or another in marriage will face times where you just don’t feel like making love. But what happens when this happens and your spouse really, really wants to?
There are several options. But first it’s important for both husband and wife to posture themselves in the right way. Many arguments and much more tension can be avoided if you both simply prepare ahead of time how you’ll respond in times like these.
Here’s A Scenario:
You’ve had an incredibly busy day and your brain has hardly had a chance to breathe. After eating dinner and getting the kids to bed all you can think of is dropping into bed yourself…when your spouse comes and gives you that knowing look and begins to caress your body.
Here are your response options:
#1
Roll your eyes and do everything you can to not respond to their initiative. When they look at you, make sure you’re yawning. When they advance, retreat. Talk about how bad you feel, how tired you are, and hope they get the hint.
#2
Tell your spouse honestly how difficult your day has been. But pray for God to help you love your spouse in your weakness. Make yourself available to them even though you don’t feel up to it, trusting God to answer your prayer. Now, a spouse who is sensitive will most likely say they understand and let you have your rest. But sometimes the urge is just too strong for them to ignore. True love is willing to make love even when it’s not the best time for you. Seeking to please your spouse is the kind of sacrificial love the Bible encourages. It’s hard when one spouse is being giving and the other is being selfish and demanding, but in these rare cases, we believe God hears the cries of the tired spouse and will help them do what they can’t do in their own strength. And usually once you get started, your mood will change if you haven’t allowed bitterness or anger to get in the way.
All marriages face seasons like these when making love just isn’t going the way you thought it would. It’s not romantic–it’s more like a chore on the to-do list, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a chore worth going after.
How do you handle times when your spouse is pursuing and you’re just not feeling it? What can you plan to do next time this happens to be the best spouse you can be?
Last week I pulled back the curtain, and I’m compelled to do the same with this post, but it is a lot more personal. However, I can’t shake the importance of this topic, so here goes…
A few months ago Tom and I were at the beach, and I felt it was a good opportunity to talk with him about something that was really bothering me. First, let me say that we have a very strong relationship that covers all aspects of marriage–spiritual, emotional and physical. I’ve never struggled with PMS in our 34 years of marriage, so when I hit post-menopause and all my desire for sex went out the window, I was surprised…
But I didn’t care!
I knew I had changed. Tom knew I had changed. But we hadn’t taken the time to really talk about it.
While sitting on the sand with the waves crashing on the shore I opened my heart to Tom. I wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t already know. Our physical relationship had been a strain for a few months. Tom is patient. He tries to understand me. And he always listens. But this time, it was a bit too much for him to hear. I shared how I really had no desire for sex. I didn’t like this fact, but I didn’t know what to do.
He was extremely quiet. The kind that was reminiscent of our earlier years where we would give each other the cold shoulder.
It was not a good place to be, and we both knew it. I gave him time. He needed to think. This topic hit on a level that strikes so many areas of marriage that it’s a mine field no matter how strong the relationship is. Our conversation pretty much ruined the day.
But it was necessary. How often do we avoid these conversations because of the tension we know it will cause? To ignore it wasn’t an option because the longer we put it off, the deeper the struggle would be.
In the weeks that followed, I went to our doctor and discovered my hormone levels were way off. No wonder I had no drive. Thankfully he was able to help, and I was hopeful things would change. And change they did! 🙂
Tom and I are both grateful and much more sympathetic to those who struggle in this area on a regular basis. We ended up talking again about “that day” and how hard it was for me to share my heart with him. And how much harder it was for me when he pulled away from me. He apologized, and we resolved the issue.
Now that I feel a bit more normal I’ve been tuned in to conversations when I hear other women talking. One in particular struck me with an all too familiar ring. I heard things like…
“I can take it or leave it.”
“I’m glad it’s not such a driving force in our marriage anymore.”
“He doesn’t want it like he used to, and I am so relieved.”
“We can finally relax and enjoy a more peaceful marriage.”
I wasn’t sure how to process these comments. Is this the norm for marriage as we get older? Did God intend for sex to wane, so we can relax without all that effort?
After what we’ve been through–I hope not. Sex is God’s gift to a husband and wife. It’s a way of connecting heart to heart that doesn’t happen between anyone else but the two of us. It is intimate. It is communicating our love on a deeper level than any other way can possibly do.
Sex is celebrating the one flesh nature unique to marriage alone, and it glorifies God.
Sure, there may be a day when we can no longer make love. There may be sickness or separation that makes it impossible. There may be any number of other reasons that it will wane. But as long as we are able, I pray that God will continue to make us both willing partners.
What about you? Have you experienced low libido? If so, have you talked together about it? We encourage you to take that leap and begin the conversation. Let nothing cause a wedge in your relationship–and silence can be the biggest wedge of all! We know this first hand, and it’s the loneliest place to be in marriage. Don’t allow this to fester in your relationship. Do the hard work. Talk!
“Come grow old with me, the best is yet to be,” is a popular saying many couples quote when they’re starting out as husband and wife. May this be true no matter how many years we have behind us.
Hard to believe it’s time for our Specials of the Week already. And this week we’re sharing several posts because we just couldn’t choose one blog to highlight. Take some time this weekend reading, gleaning and enjoying your marriage!
Movie Night Dare – < I love this! It’s actually the idea of another marriage website I hadn’t heard of before. Thanks, Lori, for always introducing us to new sites worth following! Check out the source below…
CWives (stands for Christian Wives) This site is committed to helping wives be the initiators of great sex. If you’re rolling your eyes–please, don’t disregard this important aspect of your role as helper to your husband. Check out each link below and allow the Lord to infuse faith, if your sexual relationship is lacking.
324 Club – you’ll have to read to see how to get your “secret code” name listed on the Hall of Fame board.
Dare of the Month – sign up to receive a fun, stretch-yourself-a-bit dare each month that usually have a couple of levels. You can choose to go easy or like I said, stretch yourself a bit. 😉
Blog – sign up to receive it via your e-mail, so you don’t miss a single encouragement.
I have had quite an emotional week. Tom was away on a missions trip to Nassau doing a music camp for kids. It was so good for him to be a part of the team, loving the kids and serving the local church there.
But.I.Missed.Him.
Last week my nephew became a marine, graduating from Parris Island, S.C. as a Private. We hadn’t seen him in 3 months, and my how he had changed. There were many moments I caught with my camera of my sister basking in her love and admiration for this young man who calls her “Mom.” We were all so proud of him and thrilled to be together to celebrate as a family.
We.are.so.proud.of.him
Then, I had a moment where I was working on my next book, when I needed to ask my Mom a question, but she’s no longer here. I fought the tears only to discover she anticipated my need in a very special way. You can read about it here.
I.miss.her.so.much
Why am I sharing all of this with you? Because this is the stuff marriage is made of. We have lonely times, happy times and grieving times. Knowing that there is someone to walk this road with you no matter what life brings your way, helps the load not be so heavy to bear. What a privilege to simply wrap your arms around each other in a long embrace…
When.there.are.no.words.
Carrie Underwood has a new song out titled, See You Again. I want to dedicate it to all those couples who are separated from their spouse for one reason or another. If your separation is due to military service, we want to say a very special thank you. We realize what a sacrifice you’re making everyday, and that you will never get the days back that you have been forced to spend apart. Our prayer is that God returns to you a hundred fold when you see each other again. This song truly says it all!
Such a harsh word, don’t you think? Con.fron.ta.tion. It sounds like it wants to pick a fight! And oftentimes it does in many marriages.
But.what.if.we.were.to.think.differently?
What if the next time our spouse mentions something in which they believe we need to change, we were to go to work seeking God’s help to change in that very area? What if we were to give as much attention to our own weaknesses as we are tempted to pay attention to our spouse’s? Maybe this is the key to lasting change, going after the log in our own eye.
I ask you, is there an area in your life that your spouse constantly brings up? Are you tempted to tune them out because you’ve heard it before? Why do we do this? If we are committed to grow our marriage for God’s glory, then we mustn’t shove issues under the rug of ignore. This doesn’t communicate the kind of love we vowed to each other on our wedding day.
True love listens.
True love pursues personal growth for the good of the marriage.
True love seeks to be the best spouse they can be, which means doing the hard things.
If you were to walk into my home today, you might get the impression that my home is organized and clean. However, if you opened the door to my linen closet you would find out otherwise. I have needed to take everything out, sort through what I need and get rid of what I don’t, but I put it off. A linen closet seems like such a little thing, and who sees it anyway?
Ah! There in lies the key! God sees our linen closets. We are to do all of our work as unto Him–the all-seeing God who cares for us. But if I’m willing to ignore messy closets because no one sees them, I realize I have a wrong motivation. If I’m only doing things to look good before others, then I’m no better than the Pharisees of the New Testament.
Our marriage has linens closets, so to speak. Areas that we know need attention, yet we never seem to want to deal with them. It doesn’t seem necessary because who else sees or knows, except of course for the one to whom we’ve committed to love and cherish for as long as we both shall live. I realize this post can sound “in your face.” That’s not my intention. In the same way going to a dentist for help with a toothache can seem more painful when you’re actually getting the help you need. Don’t let comfort be what leads your decisions.
Let conviction be the driving force for change.
It may feel like an “in your face” post, but so did my friend to me who suggested I might be angry with God, not “disappointed,” as I had falsely labeled it. When we hit the snooze button on our spouse’s observations we are slowly hardening our heart towards God.
We never realize this hardening is taking place, and as we ignore our spouse, we tempt them to grow in bitterness. If this describes your marriage, won’t you take my challenge and respond differently? Open the messy closets and take all the issues out. Get rid of what’s false, and refold the truth. And then when others marvel at how nice your marriage looks, you’ll be able to share with them the Truth–Good marriages don’t just happen. It takes two people humbly realizing their need to grow and change, and their need for God to make it not only happen, but to bring about the change that will last.
In what ways are you tempted to ignore your spouse? Is your linen closet in need of a thorough clean-out? Will you take some time to pray about this post and talk about it with your spouse? We encourage you to do so, and let us know how it goes.
Click the picture at the top of this post for simple steps to help you confront your spouse in a Biblical way.
The Romantic Vineyard 