Newlyweds: Jefferson and Alyssa Bethke
This newly married husband shares a toast at his wedding reception that accurately communicates the beauty of marriage. If all couples had this mindset on their wedding day, there would be no divorce.
Patience is a fruit of the Spirit, and the lack of it exhibits a resistance to the Spirit in the particular situation you’re facing.
We did an entire series on what Love Is, and it included a post about Patience or Long-suffering. But today I want to share with you the practical side of patience. It’s where we live each day and the choices we make.
The past two months have been volatile for our marriage, and we have a strong relationship. Tom likens it to walking on eggshells, and it’s because of me.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are very special times for our family, as I’m sure it is for your’s too. We have lots of special traditions we look forward to sharing together. But this year everything was different. We spent our first Thanksgiving away from our children, which was very strange and quite emotional. But God helped me through it as I had no doubt we were right where God wanted us to be. And it was good. Add to that my Mom’s illness–Christmas was spent mourning her passing, along with the nasty virus going around hitting both Tom and me. We were emotionally and physically spent.
I would say one thing and Tom would interpret it in a way I didn’t mean. Or he would say something to me I wouldn’t like and just get angry with him. Anger for me isn’t a blow-up in your face kind of anger, it’s more of a steaming hot simmer. We didn’t let much time go by before talking things through, but with my emotional state, even the making-up part wasn’t satisfying.
God is showing me how much I trust in my own ability to control myself in situations. I’ve learned through the past two months who I would be apart from His work in my life. It wasn’t pretty.
And it wasn’t in a casual way as we walked by. He would stop me, hold my head, look me in the face and say it. I must admit I was tempted to roll my eyes and say, “yeah, right!” But I knew he meant it. How? Because of his patience towards the ugliness of me. He sees God at work even in those places and loves me patiently–like Christ.
I would like to tell you I do the same, but I often react to the here and now without regard for the “not yet” of what God is doing.
This proves itself when we find ourselves acting in a way we know we wouldn’t normally have acted–When we hold our tongue and choose to think the best of our spouse instead of jumping to conclusions–When we choose to love and embrace, rather than point and lecture.
Photo Credit: Small World Adventures blog
Life is hard. But the good news is Christ has given us everything we need to grow and change. All we have to do is humbly accept His will, His way for us. Having a spouse who patiently walks beside the tumultuous river as well as the quiet stream with us makes the journey more bearable and most of all, more God-glorifying.
In what ways does your spouse exhibit patience towards you? What can you do to make it easier for them?
Photo Credit: thoughtfulcaregiver.com
Thoughtfulness is always appreciated. Especially if the act is something the receiver really needs or wants. A spouse has the unique opportunity to be thoughtful in ways other people simply can’t because they aren’t close enough to see the need.
Go ahead. Think about it. And when you remember, won’t you share it with us? Maybe your thoughtfulness will inspire others who are having trouble thinking of something to do.
Today we discovered both our son and son-in-love did something very thoughtful for their brides; they gave them the afternoon off to go to the mall for some much needed time without the children. The amazing thing? Our son lives here and our son-in-love lives in Atlanta. They both did this today without knowing the other was doing the same. It blessed me to no end knowing our kids are learning to love and serve in the way they’ve seen their dad[in-love] do.
and Tom excels in being thoughtful. And most often when I don’t deserve it. Anyone can be thoughtful to someone who is being thoughtful back, but our Savior gave us an example which raises the bar considerably. He gave thought for us before we ever thought about Him. In fact we were running the other way when He graciously chose us to be His own.
What thoughtful thing can you do for your spouse today? This week? Now make plans to do it.
Hi.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been here–sitting at my computer contemplating what the Lord would have me share with you. It’s hard to think about normal things when my normal has changed so much. So I think I’ll share with you where my mind goes in times like these. It applies to all of us at one time or another–for we’re all destined to face hardship, pain, sadness and separation from those we love in one way or another.
The Lord in His kindness led me to read, Trusting God Even When Life Hurts, by Jerry Bridges beginning in October. It has proved to be a timely book for me.
It is in the difficult times that we’re tempted to think things are spinning out of control. But this is not the case. God is sovereign over the affairs of men–this includes our good times and our bad times. But He is not in control like a slave master over His helpless subjects. No, He is our Father who knows us and cares for us, so much so that He has numbered every hair on our heads.
I have found myself lately praying a portion of the Lord’s Prayer over and over, “Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.” I don’t know what is best for me in light of eternity. I would most likely choose the path of least resistance because I don’t like pain. But we all know how beneficial it is to experience pain from time to time. Consider the following examples:
Yes, pain has it’s purpose. When my mom was dying a very good friend prayed that He would complete the sanctification process in her life so she would be released from this life to embrace the next. What a thought! God uses all we go through to sanctify us–this is a fancy word for making us more like His Son, Jesus.
But listen to Mr. Bridges words:
Trusting God in the midst of our pain and heartache means that we accept it from Him. There is a vast difference between acceptance and either resignation or submission. We can resign ourselves to a difficult situation, simply because we see no other alternative. Many people do that all the time. Or we can submit to the sovereignty of God in our circumstances with a certain amount of reluctance. But to truly accept our pain and heartache has the connotation of willingness. An attitude of acceptance says that we trust God, that He loves us and knows what is best for us.
Did you catch that? We can receive God’s will, submit to God’s will, but if we don’t accept it as good from His hand we will not find the joy hidden in the pain. There are many who have faced far worse hardships than I’ve ever experienced and yet, managed to exhibit such a joy in the midst of the pain that was infectious.
Joni Earekson Tada – became a quadriplegic from a diving accident at the age of 17. She has found a joy she didn’t know prior to her accident.
Jeremy Camp – lost his wife a short time after they were married. Yet his testimony isn’t what you’d expect.
So, today will you join me in asking God to help us ACCEPT his will for our lives? I believe there is a freedom waiting for me I’ve yet to find and a joy that rises above the disappointments.
Today we want to share with you a very special metaphor about the meaning of Christmas as told by Thomas Kinkade – the famous “Painter of Light”. This is a perfect story to share on Christmas Day as you gather together with family and friends to celebrate when “eternity entered time, permanently changing both”.
Merry Christmas!
The Christmas Pool
Imagine Christmas as a pool in the stream of time. The autumn current flows cold and clear, but as it rushes and chatters around a long November bend, it falls into deep December.
And slows down.
Or seems to.
Just beyond the pool, the stream hurries on, tumbling into rapids and racing into the channel of a new year. But at the pool, we may (if we wish it so) find a moment’s quiet. Green in the long light of a winter afternoon, bottomless blue on a frosty morning, or mirroring the cold fire of stars in the stillness of a December night, the pool speaks of mysteries beyond our years and invites us to pause and ponder.
We don’t have to hurry through Christmas.
With a little forethought, with a little discipline, we can make time to take time. We can stop running long enough to listen to the music, savor the lights, delight in the moment, remember the good days of seasons past, and think about enduring things — even as the stream of time glides on by.
There is something timeless about Christmas.
Perhaps it’s because of the way it came to us. On a given day, in a given place, at a given moment, Eternity entered into Time, permanently changing both. Timelessness intersected the temporal. Everlasting life — enduring light! — pierced a closed system of darkness and sorrow, rendering it closed no more forever. Heaven sent its best to earth, and He came to dwell among us. Into time, through time, and at the right time.
A birth. A Baby. A Boy. And then a Man.
Pondering Christmas won’t give us any more time, but gazing into the depthless pool just might help time stand still, if only for a season. We might give ourselves to pursuits long overlooked in our preoccupation with deadlines, schedules, obligations, and incessant busyness.
Love of the season.
Love of family.
Love of neighbors and friends.
Love of strangers along the path.
And the love of the One who came and gave so much more than we could begin to imagine.
I want to start off by thanking each of you who have prayed for us as we’ve cared for my Mom these past few weeks. What a huge support and help you’ve been to us. Thank you!
It is with sadness for me and gladness for her that I tell you my amazing mom left this world on Saturday, December 15, 2012, in order to join the great cloud of witnesses the Bible speaks about. I have one more treasure in Heaven that causes my heart to long all the more for the day when we’ll be reunited.
But what I really want to share with you is how Tom has helped me through this highly emotional and challenging season. For the sake of time I’ll put them in bullet points so you can read them quickly:
With my Mom’s passing and my Dad’s passing 9 years ago, I no longer have parents to care for and love. It is a strange feeling, like being orphaned. Yet I know God is my Father, and He has promised He will never leave me nor forsake me. What a precious promise that has become even more valuable to me in these difficult days.
My life is consumed right now with helping my sister and brother settle her estate, something we’ve never done. God has blessed me with the best siblings–we get along very well and will work together towards the same goal–honoring my Mom’s wishes in every detail. I’m hoping to post now and then, but I can’t make a daily commitment at this point. I know you understand.
May your Christmas be filled with precious moments as you worship the One who came to earth and changed everything.
My Beautiful Mom
I posted a couple of days ago on debigraywalter.com and thought you’d like an update as well. Thank you for your prayers for us during this time. What a difference God’s sustaining grace makes in such times!
Here it is:
In case you are wondering where I’ve been the past couple of weeks – my mom has terminal cancer. We found out a week and a half ago, and life hasn’t been the same since.
My days are spent at her house with my sister and brother caring for her every need. We sit and talk while she listens because talking wears her out. Sometimes she chimes in and shares a story I know I don’t want to forget. If you recall in my book I’ve mentioned my mom saying,
“Every time someone dies a library of information dies with them, unless some one takes the time to write their story down.”
This is why I’m taking notes…lots of notes. I don’t want to forget these precious stories. She helped me research Through The Eyes of Grace. What a blessing it was to take three separate trips with her to Oklahoma over the past decade. We made memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. Writing my next book will be easier because I know how the process works, but it will be harder because I won’t have her to help me. God help me face the future with faith, not fear.
We’ve been blessed to have family near and far come to visit. She is deeply loved by all who know her. Most days she doesn’t remember her diagnosis and is hopeful she’ll soon be well. But barring a miracle, we realize her days with us are few.
We are sad.
We cry a lot.
We hug a lot.
And we pray a lot.
I just wanted to take a moment for you to know why I’ve been silent–I’m busy taking notes.
You see on Monday my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given a short time to live. Her response to the news was not surprising given her realist nature and faith in God; She replied, “Well, I am 90!”
When I awoke thoughts immediately came to mind about my mom. I met them with prayers to God for help. When the thoughts started coming faster than my prayers could keep up, I began to cry. It was then I reached out to waken Tom.
This is hard–the saying goodbye part. But Tom reminded me of the Truth that we do not mourn as those without hope.
But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.
(1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 ESV)
Nine years ago, almost to the day, we went through this with my dad. It was hard as well, but we still had our mom. This time there is the passing of a generation, and my heart feels as if it will break in two. I know it won’t, but the pain remains.
Out of twelve months a year, why am I having to let go of my mom at the exact same time of year I did with my dad? I believe He answered me with this thought:
I have chosen this time of year to call your mom home with Me as a reminder to you of the gift My Son gave to you, your mom and all who call on the name of Christ–a baby born in Bethlehem. He came and gave His all, including death on a Cross and rose again conquering death forever, so that when all who call upon His name take their last breath in this life will embrace life eternal in Heaven with all the saints who have gone before.
This includes my dad and my dear grandmother, we lovingly called Big Mama! I have a rich heritage. God has given me the most incredible husband to lead me through wave after wave of tears, and I am praying I can pass on to the next generation and the one following the amazing legacy my mom has given me.
One story I’ve heard this week, that I didn’t realize is that my grandmother (my mom’s mom) prayed every night for each of her children, grandchildren, greats and great-greats by name. My mom confirmed she does this as well. I believe I’ve been given this mantle of prayer to keep the names of our loved ones ever before the Lord. He hears us when we cry to Him. He is as close to me as my husband was a little while ago letting me cry my heart out in His arms. God loves for His children to run to Him for strength in our weakness, joy in our sorrow, and peace in our fear, for He is our strong tower.
If you remember a few weeks ago our Healthy Marriage Tip photo came about as a result of this realization. I was even prompted to make this my desktop wallpaper. How kind of God to place this Truth before me as I write this very personal post.
I don’t know when we will post again as we are spending as much time with my mom as possible, but we will be back. We appreciate everyone who has so kindly prayed for us during this time. We feel the strong support of God’s grace as a result. So thank you.
Are you mourning this Christmas? May the Christmas story give you hope, peace and the help you need to walk each day.
Christmas season is upon us, and it’s easy to neglect the reason for the season. John Piper has compiled a free e-book devotional for each day of Advent that we believe will greatly help all who use it. What a privilege it is to approach the Throne of Grace for help in our times of need. If Christmas didn’t happen our access to God’s Throne would be impossible. We worship Christ for His accomplishment on the Cross for us.
Christmas blessings to you!
Have you ever considered how your marriage is the result of long-anticipated prayers said before you even met? It’s easy to forget as the years pass, but think about it; Your relationship with your spouse is the answer to prayers you prayed. And by God’s grace it has lasted, some of us for a few years, some of us are going on decades.
We spent Thanksgiving week visiting Tom’s family. It was an unexpected, but wonderful time away. The day after Thanksgiving Tom took me out for breakfast to a place we discovered on Urban Spoon. It had 100% rating, so we figured it must have great food, and we were not disappointed. It was while we were eating that the following music video came on the TV.
We think you’ll be encouraged as we were by the lyrics. We truly are “one lasting answered prayer.”
We want to pause today and thank God for the amazing privilege it is to do what we do. We thank Him for you. He has given us much, and we love sharing our abundance with others as our way of giving back praise and glory to Him.
We never tire of encouraging others to continue living their vows out in the good and the bad seasons of life. It takes the strength of God to endure the hardship all relationships face. But He has promised all those who are His that He will never leave us or forsake us. What a tremendous relief!
We recently went to a Brandon Heath concert where he debuted his Blue Mountain album. There was one song that captured our heart from the start. It’s titled, Love Will Be Enough. We want to share it with you as our gift on this Thanksgiving Day. Please take a few minutes and listen to the words as well as the music. We believe you’ll be blessed.
We will be back on Monday ready to kick off the Christmas season with you. Have a blessed Thanksgiving!
As we gather in a couple of days with family and friends it’s good to have an idea on how to make God the center of our Thanksgiving. The best way to do this is to involve everyone at the table in a prayer of thanks.
Focus on the Family has an idea to help everyone offer a specific things for which they’re thankful to God for in the past year. The idea is to make little scrolls of prayer prompts. Each guest draws one or two scrolls between the main meal and dessert. Go around the table and share the thing for which you are most thankful using the prompt to help you think.
Close your time of prayer with Thanksgiving for the gift of forgiveness through Jesus, and the gift of His presence with us, through the Holy Spirit.
Photo Credit: KMFA
I’ve noticed a slight shift in the way our culture celebrates Thanksgiving. Maybe you’ve noticed it too. The majority of Thanksgiving cards direct their thanks to the person reading the card. We are encouraged via commercials to give thanks to those we love, tell our loved ones how dear they are to us, etc. While this is all well and good, we mustn’t forget the One from whom all blessings flow. God, our Father, is the Creator and sustainer of all things. It doesn’t matter whether you accept it or believe it. It is still true because Truth can be nothing else.
The saying is often said, “What’s true for you isn’t true for me.” Well, if that’s the case then nothing is true at all. How sad to celebrate Thanksgiving without a deep sense of gratitude to the One who made it all possible.
I enjoy watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on Thursday and eating a delicious home-cooked meal with my family and friends, but let’s not allow football and all the modern traditions rob us of the things which really matter.
We’re going to spend tomorrow’s post sharing some practical ways to make sure this holiday is focused on God, Our Father. Enjoy the following worship song before going about the rest of your day.
We had a reader ask an excellent question last week, and we’ve decided to toss it out for you to offer your thoughts on the subject.
For starters I’ll share what Tom said to me tonight.
“I love it when you flirt with me because flirting is fun, and you’re the only one with whom I can or want to flirt.”
I look at flirting as anything you say or do that makes your husband/wife smile at you in a way that makes you smile back. It’s usually personal and something no one else in the room knows is going on but you. Flirting takes stealth, which is why it’s so much fun.
Have you and your spouse always had a flirting relationship? If not, how did you begin? Was it a difficult transition? What did you to begin flirting at first?
Please take some time to think it over and offer your answers in the comments. Let’s encourage one another day after day as the Bible so clearly instructs. Then, let’s practice what we preach this weekend before Thanksgiving!
I wake up every morning with an overwhelming sense of God’s blessing on my life. It isn’t because my life is perfect–it isn’t. It isn’t because everything has played out the way I’d hoped–it hasn’t. It isn’t even because I have the perfect husband–he isn’t.
I have an overwhelming sense of God’s blessing because of grace, unearned, unexpected and unbelievable. God is good. His grace is amazing. And the primary way I experience His grace is through the love my husband shows to me on a daily basis…thus the reason for this post.
I have a confession to make. I am blessed way beyond anything I could ever imagine, ask or think. God in His kindness chose to unite me in one flesh to a man who exemplifies unselfish love for me on a daily basis. I will attempt to capture these sacrifices as confessions:
In what ways are you a blessed husband or wife? Add your confessions in the comments below.
Yesterday we began the analogy of seeing our marriage as a house with many different rooms. If you missed it, we encourage you to read it before continuing with today’s post.
Image Credit: blackpearlsims
The next room we want to explore is the bathroom. This is the place where most of us go first thing in the morning to make an assessment of ourselves in the mirror. We take a close look at our hair, face, and teeth, etc. to make sure everything looks presentable. Sometimes our spouse helps us see things we would otherwise miss.
In our marriage this is the time when we take a close look at our own life and how we’re doing in regards to, well…everything. Sometimes we are well aware of the areas in which we need to change, but oftentimes we need the input of our spouse who knows us better than anyone else in this life, to help us see blind spots.
So should the thought of a marriage without this kind of personal examination. We need to take a close look in the mirror of our marriage on a regular basis. It may require replacing an old mirror for a newer mirror in order to help us see accurately, without distortions.
Photo Credit: gentleshepherdbaptist blog
Are you open to hearing constructive criticism from your spouse? Do you feel they are after your best interest in doing so, or do you feel they are being overly critical? When was the last time you received their input with gratefulness, instead of disregarding it?
This is the room reserved only for the two of you. It represents your intimacy on all levels–emotionally, spiritually and physically. It should be free from the clutter of everyday life and be a place where rest is encouraged and love is expressed.
Neglecting this room can be the most detrimental to the marriage house, affecting every other room. Intimacy must be guarded and cultivated on a regular basis or your marriage will drift. A little drift results in getting way off course in the future.
Can your spouse share with you anything that concerns them? Do you offer them a listening ear and caring heart whenever they need your support? Do they offer this to you? If not, know that the bedroom of your house needs attention.
He alone is able to sustain us through every situation we face. He is faithful–always has been and always will be.
It was told that his family was moving from Atlanta back to the UK. After packing everything and sending his family on a plane ahead of him, he took a final walk through their empty home. It was standing here, inside the walls that had been their marriage house, that he began worshiping God. The following song is the result of his encounter with God, remembering His faithfulness to them in all they had faced together in their marriage. May God give you the strength to continue working on and making your marriage house everything God desires.
Building a healthy, God-glorifying marriage can be compared to building a house, it takes planning, effort, lots of long days of communication about miscommunications, and hammering away at sin as it’s revealed. After years of hard work you hopefully end up with a comfortable place in which to live and love that becomes more valuable as the years pass.
We would like to explore this analogy further.
Did you realize your marriage has rooms, much like a house? The first thing others see is the front door of the marriage house.
It speaks volumes to those who are passing by whether or not your marriage is welcoming. The front door should be an invitation to come inside for more, not a false front that hides the reality in which you live.
Image Credit: The Sims Social
It is your comfortable place where you spend lots of time together relaxing and doing the things you love to do. This could be compared to the area of your relationship that comes easy to you, your comfortable place. It’s the part of your marriage you really didn’t have to work on to get where you are today.
From the moment we met our compatibility in this area was strong and always has been. We realize this isn’t the case for every marriage. Many couples may have to work at being good friends, but may excel in serving the church together, or in studying God’s Word together, etc. Your living room is the one place where friends come to spend time with you and learn from you and your example.
This is the place where your relationship is fed. You can feed it junk with lots of processed food, or a healthy balance of quality food. It is important to consider with what food you’re feeding your marriage.
The Marriage House has two more rooms we’ll explore tomorrow, but in the meantime ask yourself the following questions:
How inviting is the front door of your marriage? Does it welcome others in for more? What is your living room? How has God used you in this area of strength in your relationship? Finally, with what types of food are you feeding your marriage? How has this helped strengthen your marriage?
Photo by Walter
Have you ever had expectations for the future and then have them not play out in the way you had hoped or dreamed? I’m afraid in the current environment this has become much more the norm for many of us.
When Tom and I started The Romantic Vineyard our children all lived within 25 minutes of us, we had two (one-year-old) granddaughters, we owned a business where Tom had worked since 1982, I had been working on my book for eight years thinking I’d never live to see it published, we were primarily caring for marriages of those we knew and loved from our local church where we had been members since it’s beginning in 1985. Life was full and quite satisfying, I might add.
One of the most difficult was watching our daughter and son-in-love pick up and move to Atlanta with their family a year and a half ago. Tom and I have always told our children they need to discover where it is God wants them to go. They can’t base their future on what pleases us, as much as I would love that! They need to follow God’s will for their lives, and it has been a good move for them.
But if we believe God is sovereign over all the circumstances we face, we know there is good in store for us in one way or another. It’s not always obvious right away, but knowing it’s coming gives hope in the midst of the challenges.
I know this is a strange way to celebrate our 4th blogiversary, but this has been a strange year for us. We are working on a special project that isn’t quite ready yet, but will be soon. We think you’ll like it too! In the meantime, we thought you might enjoy looking back at how we celebrated our past blogiversaries.
Thank you all for the way you have encouraged us, made us laugh, cry and think hard on how to answer difficult questions. Walking with you through The Romantic Vineyard is a privilege we don’t take lightly. We love what God is doing and pray He will continue to help us do this in a way that glorifies Him.
How is God helping you face changes you never thought would come? Have you found some of the good in the change? Or are you still waiting for it?
The final post in our Boredom in Marriage series focuses on one of the most common issues in marriages–boring sex. Since many other respectable marriage blogs have addressed this issue in full detail, we thought we’d use our Happy Hour post to link-up with them as our Specials of the Week. We’ll leave these up all week-end so you can spend time browsing the topics featured to help you if this is an area of boredom in your marriage right now.
Intimacy In Marriage
One Flesh Marriage
The Marriage Bed
The Romantic Vineyard 