Boring Communication And How To Avoid It In Your Marriage

Posted on November 9, 2012 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: Arina Nikitina blog

Have you ever been in conversation with someone who was obviously bored with the topic? I have. In fact the person actually closed their eyes while I was talking. It wasn’t until his head fell backwards that he was shaken awake. Talk about a yawner! And no, it wasn’t Tom. 🙂

I admit I talk a lot. Sometimes I use too many words to express what could be said much faster. But when it comes to romance we can never use too many words in expressing our sentiments to the love of our life!

Most of us are good at supporting Hallmark. We pick out the perfect card for birthdays and anniversaries. Valentine’s Day cards are an annual romantic tradition for most couples. But what about a typical day? How romantic is your communication on an average day?

My husband excels in communicating his love for me in various ways.

Just a couple of days ago I found a card hidden next to my phone charger. He knew I’d find it before going to bed. I asked him his thoughts on how to keep our communication alive and romantic, rather than boring. He didn’t hesitate in sharing the following list:

Communication that is romantic must:

  • be undistracted by electronic media
  • keep eye contact to show your interest and help stay engaged
  • genuinely express love and care using songs, letters, notes, etc.
  • consist of well-thought-out words
  • have variety – notes on the mirror, in refrigerator, tucked inside a bible
  • be unexpected

Boredom in communication is probably the easiest to overcome. With a little attention it will dissipate quickly. The only reason we get bored with it is when we have an idea of what our spouse is going to say and/or do to express their love. That’s when the temptation is great to tune out.

Another aspect of not being bored in our communication is to be well-read on a variety of topics.

Read up on the things that interest your spouse. Be able to draw them out about the things they care about i.e. their favorite sports team, current events, their favorite author’s latest release, or a favorite movie.

Ashley and Jason competing in the kitchen.

Our son and his wife bless us regularly with their bantering. For instance, on Facebook he’ll say something he knows is going to spark interest or a reaction in his wife and so it begins. The comments fly back and forth quicker than most of us can read. It’s obvious they adore each other. They excel in romantic communication by knowing exactly what will make the other smile, laugh or react.

Do you know your spouse this well?

If so, when was the last time you bantered with them. Bantering means good-humored, playful conversation. Kind of like flirting with your words.

Our culture has this idea that married love is boring love. May we prove them wrong in how we display our love for each other. Let’s grow in the art of bantering with our spouse in whatever way we can. There is a world watching who will find this kind of love expressed  curious for sure, and hopefully contagious.

Life is quite serious these days. What a blessing to have someone with whom to share each day who can help lighten our load with nothing more than a “word fitly spoken.”

How would you describe your communication of late? Boring? Interesting? or Bantering?

Posted in Boredom, Christian Marriage, communication, Growing Strong Marriages, Romance in Marriage | Tagged , , , , , | 6 Comments

Bored With Romance

Posted on November 8, 2012 by Debi Walter

Romantic expressions are usually at their highest during courtship and diminish greatly after marriage. Many believe romance isn’t as necessary as it once was. Others believe it isn’t as important as it once was. We disagree with both views.

Romance is what adds the fun and adventure to an otherwise predictable routine.

It doesn’t replace it. Marriage can’t stand alone on it, but it is an important part of a healthy marriage. And this is often the first thing lacking when a marriage becomes boring.

Romantic expressions to one couple may be as simple as a thoughtful card, helping with chores unexpectedly, or going out to dinner so you don’t have to cook or clean the mess. But it can also include a regular date night, a weekend getaway when the budget allows for it, or a surprise vacation to a place of your dreams.

I love to plan romantic surprises for Tom.

And he loves it when I do. One of the best surprises I ever pulled off took a lot of stealth planning on my part. 🙂 I enjoyed the planning and the anticipation of his response as much as the actual surprise.

I had an idea, but I needed the help of his boss’ wife. I needed to secure a babysitter for overnight. And I needed the money to pay for the surprise. I had to start planning for it way in advance so I could save the money without Tom missing it. Since I stayed at home full-time with our three small children, the only way I could save extra money was through having garage sales and savings from my grocery budget.

Once I had saved enough money to pay for a night away at a nice hotel, I got to work on the other factors. A dear friend agreed to watch all three children and Tom’s boss’ wife whom I’ll call “J”, worked out a perfect plan with me.

Here’s how it went down:

J asked Tom if he would mind taking a part out to one of their technicians at 3p. on a Friday afternoon. He was told to drop it off at the hotel’s front desk and also to collect a check from Gladys, since the customer didn’t have an account with them. He agreed to go, but reluctantly because traffic can be terrible in that part of town on a Friday afternoon.

Once he arrived he went to the hotel desk and asked for Gladys. The clerk handed Tom a sealed envelope saying this was the check to open it and make sure the amount was right. When he opened the envelope there was a note from me with a key to our room.

I must tell you, he was a bit taken back by the key at first thinking Gladys had something else in mind for payment! 🙂 Once he read the note in my handwriting he saw it was signed by “Gladys” aka Debi! He met me in the room a bit more flushed than I expected, but it was so worth it.

He still talks about this as being one of his favorite surprises. It cost me about $100 to pull this off, but the lasting memory and the smile it brings to us both was priceless.

As you know, we devote our time on this blog and through our church helping couples come up with creative ways to keep the romance alive in marriage. It is important and will help you enjoy your relationship in fresh and new ways.

When was the last time you enjoyed a really romantic time together? A romantic surprise? A romantic anything? Plan to do something special this month and see if your relationship doesn’t benefit. You will most likely feel a bit awkward if you haven’t done this in awhile, but don’t let this stop you. Your marriage is worth it!

Posted in Boredom, Christian Marriage, communication, Growing Strong Marriages, Romance, Romance in Marriage, romancing your spouse, Romantic Ideas | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

3 Types of Boredom in Marriage

Posted on November 7, 2012 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: dailymail

We heard recently of a study conducted in Canada of 88 married couples. They were asked to write down words to describe the current state of their relationship. The majority of the words indicated boredom to one degree or another.

Boredom is common, but it is serious. It may indicate an area lacking attention. Oftentimes one spouse is bored and the other isn’t, and it is more likely to be the woman than the man. The one who isn’t may not even realize the boredom crouching at the door of their marriage. They may be comfortable with life as it is.

If this is you, and your spouse often shares their dissatisfaction or boredom in an area of your marriage–let this be a huge red flag!

It should not be ignored.

Sadly, many marriages end because the boredom becomes too much, and they seek companionship and adventure with someone else.

Let this not be us!

How do we cure boredom in marriage? Ask God to show you what area of your marriage is causing this sense of boredom in your heart? Then go after it! Here are a few to consider:

  • Bored with Romance and Fun (Soul)
  • Bored with Communication (Mind)
  • Bored with Sex (Body)

We will talk about these three types of boredom beginning tomorrow. We hope you’ll come back and join the conversation.

In which of the three areas listed above would you most likely be tempted to boredom? Have you realized this before? What have you done to counter the temptation?

Posted in Boredom, Christian Marriage, communication, Growing Strong Marriages, Seasons of Life, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Bored With Marriage?

Posted on November 6, 2012 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: Trophy Wife blog

Anytime life becomes predictable there can be a temptation to find it boring. This in itself isn’t necessarily bad. It’s okay to be bored from time to time. It’s what we do to fill the boredom that matters.

Consider King David. When he was in Jerusalem one afternoon while all his soldiers were out fighting the Ammorites, he went for a walk on the rooftop.  He noticed a beautiful woman bathing below. Her name was Bathsheba, and the story goes downhill from there. Had David gone to battle as he should have, this temptation would have never happened. But he chose to stay behind. We don’t know if it was because he was bored, but he certainly could have been.

Procrastination can be an indicator of boredom as well. If there is something in your marriage you know you should be working on, but you keep putting it off, this can pave the way for all sorts of trouble in your relationship:

  • It could tempt your spouse to be angry with you.
  • It could show a lack of consideration and selfless love for your spouse.
  • It could reveal an area of unfaithfulness in the little things.

The adage is true: Don’t put off until tomorrow what you could do today.

Does your marriage seem boring right now? Has it become predictable? With what are you tempted to fill the emptiness boredom creates? Talk with your spouse about your answers, and see if they feel the same way.

Healthy communication is a married couples’ greatest weapon. Use it often and watch your relationship grow.

Posted in Boredom, Christian Marriage, communication, Growing Strong Marriages, Seasons of Life, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

But I’m Bored

Posted on November 5, 2012 by Tom and Debi

Photo Credit: Kulfoto.com

I remember when my kids used to say this to me all the time. I countered their whining with,  “if you’re bored, then I’ll give you more chores to fill your time.” They learned not to say that anymore. But it still didn’t change the fact that they were bored. They just wouldn’t tell me because they really didn’t want to work either. 😉

We can do this in our marriage, especially after a year or two. Routine sets in, and we can lose intentionality in our relationship. We want to spend time talking about the different aspects of boredom in marriage and what it can actually be revealing for the good of our marriages. That’s right, there is a redeeming aspect of being bored, and God is waiting for us to ask Him for the wisdom to see it.

Boredom can be defined as the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest.

This is why we can have plenty to do and still be bored. It’s not a lack of things to do but a lack of interest it what it is you’re doing.

Let’s consider one aspect of boredom found in marriage–being bored with our job either outside the home or inside the home.

We most likely have lots to do, but there isn’t joy to be found in doing it. This could be caused by many things. We must take time when we feel bored with our job to pause and ask God what this is revealing about our heart, instead of seeking to fill the void the boredom has created. He will answer such a prayer and help us see what is at the root of our boredom.

From Gary Thomas’ book, Seeking The Face Of God, he says:

Pascal said the boredom that drives us to diversion could be the catalyst that calls us to change–if only we were not afraid to do the necessary work. (page 107)

It is Monday. It is a day that many in the work place dread. Songs have heralded the message that “Monday’s always get me down!” Is boredom always an indicator that something is amiss? Certainly not, but it could be. And the only way to find out is to ask the One who knows.

It takes great courage to confront these demons of boredom and fear. They need merely to show their faces and we tend to dutifully lapse into unceasing activity to escape them…we must push through fear and boredom if we are to seek the face of God. (page 108)

If you are finding yourself bored with your current responsibilities, ask God the following:

  • Am I where you want me to be? Or are you calling me to change jobs and/or responsibilities?
  • What is the one thing I would rather be doing?
  • Is it possible that this other “thing” has become an idol and has a stronger pull on my heart than You would want?
  • What Scriptures speak to this idol in my heart and could help set me free?

Know that God is faithful to complete the work He’s begun in all of us. We don’t have to be afraid to ask such questions, because God has promised to help us change as we cry out to Him. And the best news is–He will provide the grace to do it.

Have you considered boredom as being a possible indicator that can be used by God to reveal needed change in your heart? How could boredom help you in your growth in godliness? Spend time talking with your spouse about it.

Posted in Boredom, Christian Marriage, communication, Growing Strong Marriages, Seasons of Life, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Happy Hour

Posted on November 2, 2012 by Debi Walter

As you are reading this we are getting ready to attend a Brandon Heath/Matt Mahar concert.

We.cant.wait! 

It seemed appropriate to share some of their great music with you for our Specials of the Week. We picked two songs that focus on encouragement that can be easily applied to your marriage. We pray at some point this weekend you’ll take the time to slow down and let these songs encourage and quiet your heart before the Lord.

Love Never Fails, by Brandon Heath

The Spirit and Bride Say Come, by Matt Mahar

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Entering The Quiet – A Slow Reentry After Prayer

Posted on November 2, 2012 by Debi Walter

Today we provide the fourth theme on entering the quiet place that Gary Thomas shares from his book, Seeking The Face Of God.

4. A Slow Re-Entry After Prayer – Since spiritual contemplation is largely a lost art in today’s busy culture, we need to be reminded that spiritual truths, when first birthed, are fragile. A busy mind will choke them out as surely as weeds choke flowers. Francis de Sales wrote, “After prayer, be careful not to agitate your heart, lest you spill the precious balm it has received.”

When we charge from prayer into the blare of diversion, we crush the small blossom God has given us for the day.

Rise slowly, with reverence, and keep your eye trained on God’s face.

First, we want to say to mothers of small children–this is often not possible in your season of life. Don’t be discouraged, but use whatever time the Lord gives you with gratefulness. 🙂

Now for those of us who are able to sit and be still with the Lord, we must take this concept to heart. I heard someone say that they bookend their day in time spent with the Lord…He is their first thought when they awake and their last thought before they drift to sleep at night. Guard those moments of your day. Purpose to make Him your first and last, and everything in between will take its proper place in your mind and heart.

Thomas talks about the importance of keeping a journal…

…to help guard what God gives you in these moments. This is something I have benefitted from as well. I started a personal journal in 1989 as a direct result of God telling me to do so. I can’t express to you how helpful this one act of obedience has been in helping me remember what God has said. There have been words of encouragement I was able to refer back to years after they were given. There have been moments of victory I needed to be reminded of when I was facing discouragement.

Knowing and keeping a record of how God has led me through the years has helped my spiritual growth stay consistent in a way nothing else has. Mainly because if I didn’t write it down I would have certainly forgotten all the good He has done for me.

Do you journal? I encourage you to start.

Thomas concludes by saying:

The simpler I become, the freer my  mind becomes for spiritual understanding and discernment. Clues that flew by me before are now caught and understood. It’s as if the “static” is removed so that I can hear the messages more clearly.

Have you ever listened to a radio station with lots of static? It’s distracting to say the least. This is often how we hear God when our souls are distracted with other things.

Christ honored Mary for choosing the good part, which was sitting at His feet, while her sister Martha was worried and fretted over the temporary tasks of the day. God rewards those who seek the quiet place with Him. Imagine where you would be this time next year if you and your spouse took this challenge to heart, and made a place daily at your table for Him.

How has this series on Entering the Quiet helped you and your marriage? Has God spoken to you in the stillness? If not yet, know that He will. 

Our next post will deal with boredom in marriage and how it can actually be for your good.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities, Spiritual Intimacy, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Entering The Quiet – A Limited Curiosity

Posted on November 1, 2012 by Tom and Debi

It is ironic that this post is taking place the week leading up to the biggest, most important election America has ever seen. The values and goals of each candidate couldn’t be more different and whomever is chosen to lead our country will be the one God has ultimately chosen for His plans and purposes.  Will you pray for the future of our country? And be sure to vote next week; it is our privilege as citizens of this great country.

Gary Thomas explains in his book, Seeking The Face Of God, the third theme for a Quiet Life:

3. A Limited Curiosity – Simplicity frees us from being tabloid Christians. Whenever we smell a scandal, local or national, we usually want all the messy details. In this we’re spiritual Peeping Toms. We may try to cover our curiosity with prayerful concern or feigned love, but often we just want to satisfy our own spiritual lusts.

We have to realize we don’t need to know all that we want to know; we need to cultivate the discipline of letting go of cares that don’t concern us. We need to trust God and those He has placed in leadership. If someone is not accountable to us, we don’t need to know the details. Our responsibility is not to figure out everything, but to keep ourselves at peace.

Curiosity kills our souls. Climacus urged, “Stay away from what does not concern you, for curiosity can defile stillness as nothing else can.”

In this information age it is hard to avoid this tendency. Everywhere we look someone is saying something about someone else that peeks our curiosity. So we go on Google and search the topic, we scroll through Facebook updates to see if what we’ve heard is true. We literally have the world and it’s headlines at our fingertips. How is it possible to avoid this tidal wave of useless knowledge?

The answer is simple, but not easy.

We must guard our minds as well as our hearts. We hear bad news and are instantly anxious of the outcome. This is expected if the news affects us personally, but if it doesn’t, we must resist the temptation to know more!

Thomas makes an excellent analogy that we believe will help:

I can’t afford to respond to every appeal for money that crosses my desk…my mind is no less valuable and every bit as finite as my wallet, so I’m going to conserve my thoughts no less than my dollars.

There is a current marketing campaign for a bank that asks the question, “So what’s in your wallet?”

The idea is that no other bank provides you with what they do. They want your money and promise to give you more stuff in exchange. It has been a popular ad campaign, I assume, due to its longevity.

If your thoughts were money what would be in your wallet today?

Are you giving your thoughts away only to receive more stuff you don’t need? Or are you guarding your thoughts and giving them first to God? Are you willing to turn off the noise curiosity creates in order to obtain the peace and quiet God promises to those who trust in Him?

Take some time with your spouse to ask God what things are in your heart because of an overly exercised curiosity. Ask Him if He would have you dwell on these things or guard against them. And most importantly, be ready to hear and act on what He says.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities, Spiritual Intimacy, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Frankenstorm

Posted on October 31, 2012 by Debi Walter

Today is Halloween. The day when most families are thinking about a night for their children to have fun collecting candy and playing scary games. But not so this year. Halloween 2012 will be remembered as the one where “Frankenstorm” descended upon the Eastern states of America and wreaked havoc in all forms. Over 8 million homes are without power and this is just the beginning. It is a nightmare come true.

We can’t help but think of the families who are having to live through this destruction. The marriages that were going about normal life on Sunday are now wondering where they’ll get fresh water to drink tomorrow.  What would normally be a day to collect candy has become a day to collect debris.

Life has been reduced to getting through the next minute. And suddenly what mattered so much two days ago is no longer on the radar. Life has shifted priorities and it is necessary to shift our focus as well.

When we face scenarios like these they are usually unexpected and often unplanned for.

Consider:

What would you do if you didn’t have fresh water to drink? If the streets outside your home were flooded with no signs of receding? If your wife had just had a baby in the hospital and had to be relocated? Imagine the strain this type of trial places on a marriage?

This is why today we are asking you to join us in praying for the families and marriages who are having to walk through this most difficult time. Certainly they will remember this for the rest of their lives. Even young children will most likely recall the nightmare. But God will use this time in their history to glorify His name. There will be stories told of His faithfulness in the storm, of His provision in their lack. How do we know? Because this is the God we serve and love. He is faithful and He is our provider, and best of all…He is good!

Father, We come to you today on behalf of the millions of people facing the aftermath of this powerful, destructive storm. Would you send workers to help them in their time of need? We pray for miracles to take place. We ask for your mighty hand to work wonders that are without explanation. Would you draw the lost to You in this time? We don’t know the names of the people who are struggling most, but You do. Thank you for the privilege it is to pray for these families. Strengthen those who are there to help with the clean up. Give wisdom where it is needed and keep safe those who are having to wait for help.

We thank you that you are an ever present help in our times of need. 

In Jesus’ precious name we pray,

Amen!

Posted in Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Entering The Quiet – A Bridled Tongue

Posted on October 29, 2012 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: tribes.net

I have always loved to talk–ask my family, ask my husband. It is something I enjoy doing. It wasn’t until the past few years though, when the Lord began arresting my attention in this area of my life. My words were unbridled for sure and full of pride.

This is the second theme Gary Thomas shares on entering the quiet:

II. A Bridled Tongue – A wagging tongue is proof of an overly busy mind. John Climacus saw talkativeness as the antithesis of spiritual depth and maturity. “Talkativeness is the throne of vainglory on which it loves to preen itself and show off. Talkativeness is a sign of ignorance, a doorway to slander, a leader of jesting, a servant of lies, the ruin of compunction, a summoner of despondency, a messenger of sleep, a dissipation of recollection, the end of vigilance, the cooling of zeal, the darkening of prayer. Intelligent silence is the mother of prayer, freedom from bondage, custodian of zeal, a guard on our thoughts.”

It is ironic that those who talk the most often pray the least, frequently giving the excuse that they simply have no time.

The mark of a spiritual man or woman is a listening heart, not a lecturing tongue.

Wow. That quote says it all, and requires one to meditate long and hard on each point.

Do you or your spouse enjoy talking excessively?

I know this can be a touchy subject, especially if you’re the one who talks the most.

But if cultivating a quiet heart before the Lord is a priority in your life, then this subject cannot go unaddressed. God will not allow it. His still small voice cannot be heard by one who never stops long enough to listen.

I remember a season in my life when God did an amazing work in my heart. I had been away on a personal retreat. I saw things I had never seen before in my heart that needed to change. I was repentant and sincerely wanted to change. The day I was to head back home I heard God clearly speak to my heart that He didn’t want me to share any of what had happened that week with anyone else, including Tom, until He told me I could.

“What?! You mean I can’t even tell Tom?”

I was sure I had heard God because I would have never had this thought on my own. <sigh>

A sad fact, indeed. I thought Tom would press me to tell him more, but when I shared what I thought I heard God say he just smiled. He knew it was God too. <sigh, again>

I don’t remember now how long it was before I was able to tell Tom the whole story, but the point I learned was how intimate our time alone with God is. He doesn’t want us to speak of it casually. That would be likened to us speaking freely about our intimate times with our spouse with others. Just because we can doesn’t mean we should. I’ve learned to guard what happens during my quiet times with the Lord, and treat it as special as it really is.

Why not plan some time to sit down together and discuss the 11 definitions Climacus lists of talkativeness in the quote above? It may open your eyes to see things you haven’t seen before in this area of your life and marriage. 

The mark of a spiritual man or woman is a listening heart, not a lecturing tongue. – Gary Thomas

“In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” Proverbs 10:19 NKJV

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities, Spiritual Intimacy, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Entering The Quiet

Posted on October 26, 2012 by Tom and Debi

“And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?””

(1 Kings 19:11-13 ESV)

God the Father was teaching Elijah an important truth on the mountain.

It is that He speaks to us in whispers. Yes, He is all-powerful like the wind and rain. But His whisper holds more power than the mighty thunder that rolls. And it’s His whispers that have the power to change us.

I remember a time in my life when I was asking God to show me something about my own heart. (Follow link to read about it).  I was challenged in a book I was reading to stop everything else, and ask God fervently in prayer each day for 30 days to show me this one thing. The author said those who would do so would certainly end the challenge changed as a result.

I was excited to try. I prayed fervently on day one, day two, day three…nothing. I continued day six, day ten, day thirteen…nothing! But on the 14th day God broke into the silence with a still small voice. He illumined my heart so I could see the answer I needed to bring about the change I desired. I waited for two weeks! I could have given up and figured there wasn’t any change needed. But I knew better.

God desires to speak to us about things that need to change.

But sometimes He waits to see how sincerely we want to know Him even more than the answers we seek. We must be willing to continue doing what we know to do, no matter how long He calls us to wait.

There are four themes that will help us quiet ourselves to hear from God.

  1. A Captivated Heart
  2. A Bridled Tongue
  3. A Limited Curiosity
  4. A Slow Re-Entry After Prayer

Today we will focus on the first theme. Gary Thomas shares in Seeking The Face Of God, on page 109:

1.  A Captivated Heart – Just as we have a limit to our physical strength, so we have a limit to our emotional and spiritual strength. John of the Cross said, “The more people rejoice over something outside God, the less intense will be there joy in God; and the more their hope goes out toward something else, the less there is for God.”

I want to have a simple and quiet heart because I want to hear from God; I want to be captivated by Him, so I am willing to give up everything else if only I can know Him. Some of what I give up may be given back, but I will accept back only those elements that allow my God-focus to remain.

Have you considered how important it is to reserve space in your heart for God? Whenever we say “yes” to one thing, we can be certain we are saying “no” to something else. Our yes may be for something good, but it may not be the best. If God has truly captured our heart, we will say “yes” to Him at the start of each day. We are not our own, we were bought with a price. So we must live and love based on this fact.

How much has the love of God captured your heart? Do you crave time alone with Him? If you miss a day of devotions is your heart saddened at the time you’ve missed in His presence? These are questions that will help you determine the true condition of your heart towards God. An honest answer doesn’t bring condemnation because we have been set free from the bondage of such thinking. But an honest answer will help us to continue to grow and not become distracted by the busyness of life.

Spend time over the next couple of days alone and with your spouse asking God to captivate your heart anew. We assure those who do will be met with a peace that passes understanding.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities, Spiritual Intimacy, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Comfortable With The Quiet

Posted on October 24, 2012 by Tom and Debi

How would you rate the quietness of your life on a scale of 1 – 10, with 1 being the goal? Here’s another way to ask the same question, if you were to spend an hour sitting in your favorite chair for the sole purpose of seeking God, if there were no interruptions or outside diversions where would your mind go? Would you be comfortable with the quiet engulfing you? Or would you crave a diversion? If you answered the latter, you are not alone. In fact, we believe most of us struggle with standing alone before God for an extended amount of time.

It is not in our nature to embrace holiness on such an intimate level.

Yet this is necessary if we are to know ourselves and know God in Spirit and in Truth.

On page 106 of Seeking The Face Of God, Gary Thomas quotes Pascal by saying:

Young or old, rich or poor, it doesn’t matter–the thing we fear most is quiet. Yet inner peace is conceived in the quiet. Without this quiet, we grow restless and unrooted. Our lust for diversion proves our unhappiness, for if we were truly happy, Pascal noted, “we should not need to divert ourselves from thinking about it.”

Our chaos of the soul and busyness of the spirit robs us of our created destiny to find fulfillment in a relationship with God. A voice deep within our souls tells us something is wrong, but we are too afraid to slow down and find out how life could be different…Pascal said the boredom that drives us to diversion could be the catalyst that calls us to change–if only we were not afraid to do the necessary work.

Day after day we make choices based on our priorities.

Do we say one thing about our love for God, but practice something that says otherwise? This is a hard question to answer honestly. It is one where you may need your spouse’s help in order to see yourself more clearly. We can be afraid of coming this close to our Creator. What might He say? Will I want to hear it?

We get used to making excuses for our lack, so much so that we can sear our conscience. Our conscience is a gift from God to lead us to higher level of fellowship with Him. If it is ignored often enough it’s pull on our actions weakens. Not because the Spirit isn’t willing to draw us, but simply because we’re not being receptive to the Spirit’s still small voice within. Time passes, yet we are no better for the wear.

Thomas addresses this tendency by suggesting:

Much of our television watching is a quiet, sleepless death in which we kill our souls by letting time race by. We can spend several hours in front of the television, and what have we gained? We haven’t talked to anyone, we haven’t accomplished anything, and we usually haven’t gained any insight or inspiration. Yet time has slipped by, and it will never return again. In essence, we have willingly forfeited a precious slice of the time God has given us on this earth.

Since this book was first written in 1979, Mr. Thomas doesn’t include the pull of social media into our possible daily diversions, and it’s ability to rob us of precious time. This tendency can be even more dangerous than television because we have a false sense of fellowship with others because we’ve read their status updates on a regular basis.

A drug addict cannot expect to give up drugs without paying the price of withdrawal. We who have been drugged by diversions cannot expect to enter the quiet without a struggle. Our souls will roar for diversion, the fix that saves us from God’s presence.

You may ask, what does all this have to do with marriage?

Everything! For our marriage is made up of two people who are growing in their relationship with Christ. The more we grow personally in our relationship with Him, the better our marriage will be. Your spouse cannot give you inner peace. This is the work of the Holy Spirit at work in you. As you cultivate this quiet heart that is willing to wait on God to speak to your spirit in specific ways, you will change.

When Moses descended from his mountain experience with the Holy God, he was changed, and all the Israelites knew it.

  • What if we were to let God come this close to us in our quiet times?
  • What if we were to not pursue anything else until we heard Him speak?
  • What if His Word and worshiping His name were our highest priority of each day
  • How do you think it would change the way we interact with our spouse? our children?

 

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities, Spiritual Intimacy, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Cultivating the Quiet In Your Marriage

Posted on October 22, 2012 by Tom and Debi

This week we are delving into the deeps of cultivating the quiet in our minds, hearts and marriages. It may be something you’ve thought about often, or you may be venturing into unknown territory. Whatever the case, we believe this is the direction God is leading us to post about, and we are praying for you, that God will help you in this endeavor as He has helped us this past month. We are purposing to post only three times this week and next to give us time to meditate on the Truths of this series. Our hope is that by us slowing down our posts it will help you slow down as well and hear what God is saying to you and your marriage.

Have you ever taken notice of the Sovereignty of God in the smallest of decisions you make?

For instance, before we came away this month the Lord led me to read Gary Thomas’ book, Seeking The Face Of God. I (Debi), finished right before we hit the road to come North, but I was compelled to bring it with me in case I wanted to refer to it. I’m so glad I did.

The sixth chapter is on Cultivating the Quiet, and reading it again here in this quiet place, helped us realize how easy it is to miss what God wants to say to us at any given time. We are simply too distracted to hear Him without purposing to quiet our hearts before Him.

Consider the following from pg. 104 of the book:

In Exodus 24, we’re told that Moses went up on a mountain to meet God and a cloud immediately covered the mount. “For six days the cloud covered the mountain and on the seventh day the Lord called to Moses…” (vs. 16)

Moses sat and waited on that mountain for six days before God started to speak to him. Six days! When I sit down to pray with God and wait for six minutes I get proud of myself. All too often it’s “All right God, let’s get going, I’m a busy man. I have things to do.”

Moses was willing to sit silently for six days!

And what about the people of Israel? “When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, “Come, make us gods who will go before us'” (32:1).

What’s so sad about this passage is that the Israelites were swept into idolatry by a motivation no more noble or severe than boredom. They were bored! And that was enough to turn them to false gods. They simply got tired of waiting.

The same is true today. Ask us to give money and we’ll write a check. Ask us to show up for a demonstration or special church service and we’re there. Ask us to give up something and we’ll sacrifice. Ask us to face boredom, and we turn on the T.V., pick up the newspaper, or tune in the radio. Please don’t ask us to be bored.”

The contrast here couldn’t be more stunning. Moses waited on God for 6 days without distraction and the Lord caused His glory to pass before him. The Israelites in their waiting began to grumble and complain and then demanded action from Aaron. In 6 short days their hearts turned completely to idols. They were no longer bored, but this choice led them away from God, not towards Him. Moses on the other hand embraced the boredom and waited to see God. And he was not disappointed.

There are many times in marriage where we are forced to wait.

  • When you are expecting a baby. There is no shortcut to birth. You have to wait out the time God has allotted for new life to enter your family.
  • When there is a job loss. This one can be quite challenging because you must stay focused on finding that job.
  • When you are raising small children. The time and effort required in this season can make your marriage seem like less of a priority.
  • When there is physical sickness or a chronic condition. There are times in marriage when physical intimacy just isn’t possible. You have to wait for healing or strength to return.
  • When caring for aging parents. The urgency in this season and the unexpected nature of being available all hours of the day and night make this a time where one spouse may have to wait for a long time for the other to be available to them.

These are just a few that come to mind.

Are you in the place of waiting? Are you having to wait on your spouse because of a situation like those listed above? Is the waiting helping you draw closer to God or are you grumbling and complaining? What things are tempting you to fill your time as you wait? Does your spouse know of the struggle you’re facing?

Don’t neglect the gift you have in your relationship with your spouse.

You are one flesh and you both should work as a team to hear what God is saying about your current situation. He will speak, the question is will you hear Him when He does, or will you be distracted?  More on that tomorrow.

Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:12-13 ESV

Posted in Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Happy Hour

Posted on October 19, 2012 by Debi Walter

This week we finished our first Half-Marathon Marriage Blogging Challenge to blog 13 days in October. It was a fun challenge where dozens of marriage blogs took part, which provided a wealth of great posts to read for any stage in your marriage.

Most of us posted the first 13 days in October, but there is one blog in particular that didn’t start until two days ago – Fountain Family Blog. Jennifer is the writer as well as wife to David and mother of one year old triplets: Makenna, Noah and Emma. Yes, now you know why she started later than the rest of us. It’s a miracle she’s posting at all, but then Jennifer often exceeds the expectations of others. God has blessed her with great talent.

This is why we’re featuring her series of posts (geared to newly married couples and young parents) as our Special of the Week.  We pray you’ll come to love her writing as much as we do, and her heart for God and her family is contagious.

Fountain Family Blog

And here is the link to their RSS feed, so you won’t miss any of the following 11 posts to come. We love David and Jennifer–we were privileged to witness their marriage vows–we think you’ll love them too.

  • All In A Years Work – what does it cost to raise three healthy babies? You’ll be shocked and led to pray for this young family.
  • My Favorite Photos – a photo of the triplets each month of their first year.
Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Happy Hour, The Gospel & Marriage | Comments Off on Happy Hour

On Bored

Posted on October 19, 2012 by Tom and Debi

It’s amazing what a month without the noise of television will do. We’ve found we don’t miss it at all. We can watch movies here, but that’s it, and the choice is limited.

In Gary Thomas’ book, Seeking The Face Of God, he devotes an entire chapter on the topic of cultivating the quiet. Have you ever thought about the need to cultivate quietness in your heart, life and even marriage? It’s true. As humans we live each day at break neck speed. Sometimes it’s an unavoidable necessity, but many times it’s our choice.

Consider the following in examining what motivates your busyness:

The sin many of us fall into is NOT that we shake our fists at God and defy Him to His face; that is the sin of unbelievers. Our sin is that we passively rebel against God, filling our lives with so much noise and busyness that God’s voice cannot, or will not, penetrate.

If my kids are playing outside and I so much as whisper the phrase “ice cream, they can hear me from across the field. On the other hand, if they’re two feet away from me and I scream out “dinner,” it’s amazing how poor their hearing can be.

They know better than to shake their fist at me and say, “Forget you, Dad, we’re playing.” They’ve tasted the fruit of such behavior and found it wanting. So instead they try to adopt a more stealthy approach. “Oh, were you calling us, Dad? Sorry we didn’t hear you.”

It’s not open rebellion, but it serves the same purpose–by their busyness they keep their father’s voice from calling them into a new place. We do the same thing.

Fenelon wrote, “God does not cease speaking, but the noise of the creatures without, and of our passions within, deafens us, and stops our hearing. We must silence every creature, we must silence ourselves, to hear in the deep hush of the whole soul, the ineffable voice of the spouse. We must bend the ear, because it is a gentle and delicate voice, only heard by those who no longer hear anything else.

Cultivating the quiet is a painful experience when we are addicted to noise, excitement and occupation. Opening the door to spiritual quiet can also open the door to spiritual fear and loneliness. It takes a great amount of courage to face God.

According to Pascal, we’re often afraid that if we start to slow down, the truth of our deeply felt misery will assail us. We lack the courage to confront this misery, so we force ourselves to live at breakneck speed with maximum noise so we will be too numb or too busy to notice the pain.

God often uses our boredom to speak to us…

…but if we avoid boredom at all costs, what are we missing?

In the above quote from the book, Mr. Thomas quotes from two classic writers from the 17th century, Fenelon and Pascal. They lived long before the distractions of our day were ever conceived, yet even then people were tempted to busyness and noise. How much more often is this temptation being succumbed to today?

Think about a normal day in your life. How often to you check e-mails, texts and Facebook? If you’re like me it’s probably several times throughout the day. I’m just as guilty of this busyness. In fact, not having TV has been easier because we still have WiFi, which has enabled us to stay connected to the outside world.

Imagine what our lives would be like if we chose not to connect for a day, a week or even a month? Would you be bored? Most likely, but God would use the very boredom we avoid to speak to our hearts about things we need to hear.

There is so much more to share on this topic, but we want to take it slow. For now, consider this in your own life and marriage:

  • How often are you bored in your day to day life, in your marriage?
  • Do you see it as a negative and to be avoided at all costs?

Instead of avoiding it, why not ask God what He wants you to learn in the process. We believe He’ll answer such a prayer. That is if we’re quiet enough to listen.

Are you “on bored” (pun intended) with us as we explore this topic?

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Reflections On Our Time Away

Posted on October 18, 2012 by Debi Walter

Tom and I have been in the mountains of North Georgia since the beginning of the month. We’ve welcomed friends and family members, and another couple is due to arrive next week. It has been relaxing. It has been romantic. It has been everything we’ve hoped our time away would be.

The leaves are changing each day. I’m beginning to know the song the crickets sing at sunset. I’m even getting used to seeing shooting stars each night.

But you know what? I miss home.

Home is the place where Tom and I have put down roots. It is our carbon footprint in the world, and it is good. God gives each of us a place to call home. This is where we do life, worship God, make friends, deal with trouble, confess sin and make money to support our needs.

I love the life God has given us. It isn’t anything more special than the life He has given you, but it’s ours. We are called to be faithful with the mm. He’s given us on the timeline of eternity.

Are you being faithful to do what He’s called you to do in the place you call home? This is the only question that matters!

Posted in A Fragrant Aroma, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments

Have I Disappointed You?

Posted on October 17, 2012 by Debi Walter

The other night Tom asked me if he had ever disappointed me.

It was one of those questions that you can’t answer quickly. I thought for a moment and realized that in all honesty the only disappointments had come when there was sin he needed to confess. And it wasn’t disappointment in him as much as it was disappointment in the lure sin still has on all of us if we’re not watching.

When Tom asks these kinds of questions, which he has often in our marriage, it does my heart good. Why? Because I know he is sincerely wanting to take care of me and how I’m processing things. I know whatever my answer he will be listening intently to hear what I have to say. And I know that we will have a meaningful conversation about the things I share.

This can be compared to watching out for the “little foxes which spoil the vine,” that he wrote about in yesterday’s post. It isn’t hard to find them once they’ve done damage, but preventing them from taking the first nip requires a commitment to ask these kinds of questions on a regular basis.

If you would like to have conversations like these, but aren’t sure how to go about it, check out our Date Night Questions at the top where we offer great questions to help you seek out those little foxes before they enter your vineyard. You may want to start with the question Tom asked me.

But there is a word of caution…

be prepared to hear what your spouse has to say and don’t react if you don’t like what you hear. Talking about issues this deep takes a mature willingness to hear, learn and grow. An immature response hears, resents and blows up in anger. Only by God’s grace at work in your heart will this conversation be beneficial. Left to ourselves we would never seek to know our own hearts on this level.

When was the last time you had a conversation like this? Was it a means of growth in your marriage or a cause for more conflict? 

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A Walk Through The Vineyard

Posted on October 16, 2012 by Tom Walter

Photo Credit: Deebrestin.com

I (Tom) am currently reading an excellent book by Mark and Grace Driscoll titled, Real Marriage – the truth about sex, friendship and life together. I highly recommend it.

This morning I read about Song of Solomon 2:15 and “the little foxes that spoil the vines.”

In a vineyard there is the potential for beauty, wonder, and life. But, the vineyard must be cultivated, weeds must be pulled, and foxes must be kept out. A Christian winemaker in Napa Valley explained that it takes many years, even decades, of tender care to raise a mature and fruitful vine. She said that keeping large animals out of her vineyard was easier than keeping out small animals that could sneak in. In particular, she said, small animals like foxes were particularly dangerous because they gnawed on the root of healthy vines, thereby killing the entire plant and robbing its harvest after years of investment. The key to a harvest of fruitfulness, fidelity, oneness, love, and joy is to catch the little foxes that creep into your marital vineyard. (page 159)

What things irritate you about your spouse? These are the “little foxes” in your marriage. The key to preventing the foxes from harming your vine is to deal with these irritants when they begin. How do you do this? By examining your own heart. You can’t change your spouse, but you can change how you react to their shortcomings? They can’t make you respond sinfully, they simply reveal what’s been in your heart all along.

Our pastor shares the analogy of the coke bottle often. Basically it goes like this: if there is coke in the bottle and it’s shaken, when the top is removed the entire contents are going to spew all over the place making a mess. However, if the bottle is empty, it doesn’t matter how long or hard you shake it, when the top is removed nothing will come out.

So it is with our hearts. As we deal with what’s inside us, we will see lasting change in our relationship.

As a help Grace illustrates what the little foxes look like in their own marriage:

Foxes for me include name-calling, strong language, having an all-or-nothing attitude, using discouraging words, being preoccupied on the computer or phone while we are talking, and being unthankful. Mark is working on having better self-control, waiting and praying before responding, asking questions before making assumptions, listening more often, and being more grateful for the “little” things I do. (page 160)

After reading this list, what little foxes are trying to spoil your marriage vineyard? Don’t delay, for each moment they’re allowed to gnaw away at the root of your marriage, the more damage they will do.

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Fall Date Night Ideas

Posted on October 14, 2012 by Debi Walter

Thank you for following our 13 Fall Dates. We hope you’ve been inspired to try one or more of our ideas. This is one of the best times of year to rekindle the passion in your marriage.

Happy Fall, Y’all!

#1 – Romantic Fall Dinner

#2 – Pumpkin Carving Contest

#3 – Walk in the Country

#4 – Backyard Camp Fire

#5 – Sweet and Savory Fondues for Two

#6 – Fall Foliage Puzzle

#7 – Star-Gazing

#8 – Bobbing For Apples

#9 – Photographs and Memories of Falling In Love

#10 – Kettle, Settle and Cuddle

#11 – Take a drive on a birding trail near you!

#12 – Moon Dance

#13 – 12 Round Sex Match

Make the most of your love each season of the year. God is great and worthy of our praise, and making Him look good by the way we love each other.

Posted in Date Night Ideas, Fall Date Ideas, Growing Strong Marriages, romancing your spouse | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments

13 Fall Dates – #13

Posted on October 13, 2012 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: vibe.com

Since it’s the last post of our 1/2 Marathon Blogging Challenge, we knew we had to offer a real knock out of a post. We think we’ve come up with the perfect one for you to try.

Fall Date – #13

12 Round Sex Match

You’re most likely familiar with a Boxing Match that consists of twelve 3-minute rounds of fighting with a 1-minute break between each round.

With this date you will need a timer, a ring (could be your bed or an air mattress), some fun tools to help you with a knock out win. However, there will be no fighting involved in this match. 🙂

Photo Credit: Etsy

To play set the timer for three minutes and meet together “in the ring.” The goal is to love on your spouse for the time allotted. This is a “no-holds barred” competition. When the timer dings you must retreat to your corner. There you can take one item to help you “knock out” your spouse in the next round. A knock out is defined as bringing your spouse to climax.

Here are some official boxing terms that you may want to redefine in your match:

  • accidental butt
  • caught cold
  • combination
  • cover-up
  • flash knock down
  • get off
  • go to the body
  • low blow
  • main event
  • draw
  • throw in the towel

Continue playing for a total of 12 rounds, if you can make it that long. In this match there are no losers.

This may be one date that has rematch after rematch. You may ask what does this have to do with Fall? Nothing, but who cares!

To your corners…

______________________________________________

This is post #13 in the CMBA 1/2 Marathon Blogging Challenge

to post for 13 days in October. We made it and finished the challenge!

Posted in Christian Marriage, Creative Dates, Date Night Ideas, Dating Your Spouse, Fall Date Ideas, Free Dates, Fun Dates, romancing your spouse, Summer Sizzlin' Dates, Unique Dates | Tagged , , , , , , , | 8 Comments