Countering What Annoys You About Your Spouse

Posted on April 23, 2019 by Debi Walter
Does your spouse have habits that annoy you? If so, what you choose to do with those thoughts makes a huge difference in the growth of your relationship.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Does your spouse have habits that annoy you? If so, what you choose to do with those thoughts makes a huge difference in the growth of your relationship.

The following account is told in the Bible about King David. He was bringing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem and read how his wife responded…

“12 Now King David was told, “The Lord has blessed the household of Obed-Edom and everything he has, because of the ark of God.” So David went to bring up the ark of God from the house of Obed-Edom to the City of David with rejoicing.13 When those who were carrying the ark of the Lord had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf. 14 Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might, 15 while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets.

16 As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.” (emphasis added) – 2 Samuel 6 NIV

We aren’t told anymore about their relationship at this point, but obviously Michal didn’t approve of David’s PDA for God. She was embarrassed and humiliated that her husband would behave in such a way. It’s likely this wasn’t the first time something the King did annoyed her. Annoyance breeds contempt if we aren’t aware of it. This is why we are bringing it to the forefront.

Ponder in your heart if there are little annoyances that cause you to roll your eyes when your spouse isn’t looking.

Maybe you verbalize it to your spouse in an effort to change their behavior. You may think that this is the way to deal with it, but it will do nothing but cause further distance between you.

Think of annoyances as seeds looking for a place in your heart to take root. This is why it matters what we do with these thoughts.

We can’t prevent the annoyances from happening–we are only human. But we can take such thoughts captive. God’s word helps us here…

“3For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. 4For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. 5We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, 6being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-6 ESV

If you have discovered contempt towards your spouse in your heart, what can be done?

  • First of all, don’t trust that how you see your spouse is accurate. When we allow these critical thoughts to take root it blinds us to the good we love about our spouse and the Truth of God’s Word. In her book, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way, Lysa Tyrkerest says,

“If we are going to be true to ourselves, we’d better make sure we are being true to our most surrendered, healed, and healthy selves, the ones God made us to be. A great verse to help us determine this is Psalm 19: 14: May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Yes, the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart must be pleasing to the Lord. And this can only happen when I align my words, thoughts, and desires with Scripture. Otherwise, our desire to ease the ache of our disappointments will lead us right into the enemy’s lies and his grip of destruction. We must not forget that our soul hunger can only be satisfied by daily doses of truth, otherwise we will be prone to snack on deception.” (Page 164-165)

  • Secondly, repent to God for each and every thought you have had that is critical and judgmental. Allow His grace to wash over your soul, and if He so leads repent to your spouse as well.
  • Finally, express your gratitude for your spouse on a daily basis. Gratitude counters contempt and helps us see our spouse accurately. It has been said that it takes three weeks to break a bad habit. It may be that you have been on this path for so long, you go there without realizing it. Do whatever it takes to remind yourself everyday to see the good. Some ideas: make a three week calendar where you can record the good, set a reminder on your phone that alerts you to be grateful, share your intentions with a close friend and ask them to check to see how you’re doing. All these are practical ways to help you stay committed to your resolve to change.

I highly recommend a The Generous Wife and The Generous Husband blog. They post everyday and give nudges on how to be generous in all areas with your spouse. Their positive focus will go a long way in countering this sinful habit.

The point in all this is to purpose to treat our spouse as the most important person in our lives, even before our children. This is the only relationship we will have day in and day out as long as we both shall live. Shouldn’t we make it a high priority for our good and God’s glory? We believe the answer is a resounding YES!

Share with us something for which you are grateful about your spouse in the comments below. Let the gratitude begin…

This is our 23rd post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

Posted in Besetting Sins, Biblical Encouragement, Conflict, Forgiveness, Keeping It Real, Repentance | Tagged , , , , | 14 Comments

Five Friday Favorites – Getting To Know You Resources

Posted on April 22, 2019 by Debi Walter

How well do you know your spouse? How you answer this question depends largely on how long you’ve been together, how well you communicate your preferences, and how intentional you are in studying your spouse.

Today’s Friday Favorites are resources to help you get to know each other on a deeper level.

1. Five Love Languages – You have most likely heard about the love languages, but have you taken the time to take the test? If not, we are providing the link for you and your spouse to finally do it. Set aside a date night to discover what speaks love most to each other. You may discover you each show love according to your own language and not the language the other prefers. We found this very helpful. (Hint: you may have more than one.) The five types are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch.

2. Enneagram 9 Personality Types – This is quite popular these days and if you haven’t heard of it, you probably will. Check out this popular Instagram account: enneagramandcoffee. The test can be quite challenging, but persevere through it and give it your first most likely answer. They aren’t the typical opposite answers, so you have to really pay attention to how the question is presented. What we love about this test is it shows how you and your spouse process life. It brought clarity to some of our common struggles in communication. Tom is a Type 1 – The Perfectionist. I am a Type 2 – The Helper. You would think these are quite compatible, except when they aren’t. Add to this the wing types where your spouse goes to when stressed or when strong. There is much to learn about this and each other.

3. Myers-Briggs Personality Test – This test showed how opposite we are except in one area. I am an ENFJ – the Giver, and Tom is an ISTJ – the Inspector. We share the common trait of Judgement. The first letter stands for Introvert or Extrovert. The second letter stands for Sensing or Intuitive. The third letter stands for Thinking or Feeling, The fourth letter stands for Perceiving or Judging.

4. Cherishing Us – This is our book that helps us find ways everyday to be intentional in our marriage. There are 365 marriage tips that serve as a vitamin for your everyday marriage health. But the part we find the most helpful in getting to know each other is the Date Night Questions section. Here you will find over 150 questions to help your conversation go in a different direction than you normally would. Missing are the typical questions about parenting, work, serving in the church or elsewhere, extended family challenges, etc. These are intended to help you talk about YOU. We hope you’ll take the challenge to learn what Cherishing Us looks like in your marriage.

5. Cherish, The One Word That Changes Everything, by Gary Thomas – This is by far our favorite book to help couples come to a deeper understanding of each other. Cherish is a rich word that has hidden behind the word, Love, in most marriage vows. As a result, we have missed a huge benefit that this word provides in creating a strong marriage. Gary also has a workbook and DVD series for those who would like to squeeze out all they can from this resource. Buy it. Read it. Thank God for it. It is that good!

Now the question is, which one will you choose? You have a lifetime to work on your marriage. Take them at your own pace and have fun with it.

This is our 19th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Five Friday Favorites | 12 Comments

Top Ten Ways To Help A Marriage Vineyard Grow

Posted on April 22, 2019 by Debi Walter

Top Ten List of How To Help Your Marriage Vineyard Grow

There is something about relationships formed through blogs that are different than your normal face-to-face kind of friendships. You can have the same familiarity, the same understanding, the same biblical fellowship (relating with each other from a Christian, Bible-based worldview), but what’s missing is the human connection. When I meet a friend for coffee, I usually greet her with a hug. I’m from the South and this is what we do. But on-line friends can’t be hugged or touched. It takes intentionality to make those human connections happen.

We have met many of our on-line blogger friends through the years. In fact, we hosted a retreat in 2017 at our cabin with the Core Team of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association. It was a highlight to be surrounded with couples we have known from a distance and respect. We were able to share meals together, talk for hours and pray for each other and our ministries. It still amazes us how God brought us all together to form such a needed organization as the CMBA. But even more amazing is how these precious couples have made it into our hearts. They have helped our marriage by the outstanding information they regularly post and we have grown to love them dearly.

If you are new to our blog, you may get the impression that our marriage is perfect.

Ha! Five minutes with us in our home and you would see otherwise. We are just like you in many ways. We have good days, bad days, happy and sad days. We interrupt each other. And yes, we fail to meet the other’s expectations from time to time. Marriage is hard work and that never changes. Sure, we have come a long way and our good days far outweigh the difficult ones. But until we make it to Heaven, the Bible says we will have trouble.

Taking part in the Ultimate Blog Challenge has brought many new on-line acquaintances into our view. And I can already tell some will most likely become friends. Let this post serve as a virtual hug from our home to yours. You are welcome here and we count it a privilege to play a small part in helping your marriage succeed. Of course there are many other needed elements to help marriages become all God intends.

Our Top Ten list on how to help your marriage vineyard grow:

  1. Get involved in a local, Bible-believing church.
  2. Establish friendships with other couples in a similar season for support and encouragement.
  3. Connect with an older couple you respect to learn from their wisdom and example.
  4. Read good marriage books that inspire you to grow.
  5. Make date nights a regular event on your calendar.
  6. Listen well with your eyes when your spouse is speaking to you.
  7. Ask good questions.
  8. Don’t take “Fine” as the final answer when you ask you spouse how they are doing.
  9. Be quick to ask forgiveness when you have wronged each other. Letting it blow over isn’t the same as seeking forgiveness. This shuts the door on lingering bitterness.
  10. Humility is the soil where all other virtues grow. Practice this by dealing with your own heart issues before trying to fix what you perceive is wrong with your spouse.

“Just when we are most eager to make ourselves understood, we must strive to understand. Just when we seek to air our grievances, we must labor to comprehend another’s hurt. Just when we want to point out the fallacies and abusive behavior of someone else, we must ruthlessly evaluate our own offensive attitudes and behaviors.”
― Gary L. Thomas, Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

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This is our 22nd post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Biblical Encouragement, Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, resources, Thankfulness | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

The Resurrection And Marriage

Posted on April 21, 2019 by Debi Walter
Jesus Christ has risen! He has conquered death and the grave. This is the best of news to any who are looking to be set free from their patterns of sin and shame. Jesus is the answer. Why?

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Jesus Christ has risen!

He has conquered death and the grave. This is the best of news to any who are looking to be set free from their patterns of sin and shame. Jesus is the answer. Why?  Because He being the very nature God, took on human flesh and lived among us. He experienced life on every level we have, yet without sin. He did this because of His great love for us. But He didn’t stop there. He willingly went to the Cross and chose death, so we could live. When He arose that first Easter morning, it was proof that God the Father had accepted His sacrifice in our place. This is what Christians call the Good News of the Gospel. We owe our very life and breath to Jesus, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

“For God so loved the world,i that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” John 3:16-17 ESV

In marriage, this Good News brings with it hope that we don’t have to stay the way we are. There is a way out of the ruts we have created–patterns of selfishness and independence. or of fear and shame. These ruts lead no where good. It takes determination and resolve to pursue another way. And Jesus not only promises to help us get there, He commits to walk with us every step of the way. We must simply ask.

Jesus Christ is bringing resurrection power to our lives and  marriages! So on this Holy Day, Resurrection Sunday, let us thank God for His willingness to give us a hope and future. Tom and I can’t imagine where our marriage would be apart from the Gospel. We can’t help but share our hope with all who are searching for the same.

Jesus Christ is risen – He is risen indeed!

Happy Easter Sunday from our home to yours!

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This is our 21st post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in April 2019, Biblical Encouragement, Celebrations, Easter, Finding Joy, Forgiveness, Growing Strong Marriages, Holidays, Spiritual Intimacy, The Gospel & Marriage, Ultimate Blog Challenge | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

Husband Appreciation Day

Posted on April 20, 2019 by Debi Walter
Husband Appreciation Day for Husbands without children.

Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash

This day is specifically for husbands without children. Since fathers have Father’s Day, someone decided childless husbands needed their very own day too. We love to highlight all kinds of holidays, so this is one we had to share.

Now the question is, “What to do?”

We encourage you to plan a day with all his favorite things–consider food, entertainment and schedule. Next, make a list of all the things you appreciate about him and write it in a letter, note or card. Being the day before Easter, you could make him his own Easter Basket. We have lots more ideas you can find on our Wives Only Romantic Easter Ideas page as well. (Guys, don’t spoil it by peaking either!)

Why all the fuss? What about Wives without children? They too, have their very own day to be celebrated. It’s the third Sunday in September. And guys check out our Husbands Only Romantic Easter Ideas too.

 

This is our 20th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

 

 

Posted in Celebrations, Christian Marriage, Easter, Holidays, honor, Husbands | Tagged , | 11 Comments

Vintage Post – The Origin Of Your Spouse Date Night

Posted on April 18, 2019 by Debi Walter
Try celebrating the place where your spouse was born on your next date, Here are some ideas to get you started.

Originally posted on April 4, 2012

We all have one. It defines us from the moment we take our first breath, and it stays with us until we breathe our last.

Yes, we all have a hometown. I was born in Orlando, and I still live here, but this is really quite unusual. Most people move away from the place where they were born. This makes the idea for this date night a real fun challenge.

Your spouse has a hometown. Why not plan a night to celebrate the origin of your spouse? It could be a fun way to get to know your spouse from a different perspective.

Here are some ideas on how to make it work:

  • Call your mother-in-law if possible, and find out all you can about the place where your spouse was born. You might ask what the weather was like when they were born? How long was her labor? What time of day was he/she born? All this information can be used to determine the little touches to your evening. If they were born in the morning, then plan a breakfast menu. If they were born in the middle of the afternoon, then plan a full course of snack foods–you get the idea. Make the evening all about their place of origin.
  • In what city were they born? Plan the menu around local favorites.
  • Is there a movie which takes place in or near their hometown? Then, rent it for the fun of learning more about this special place.
  • Decorate with the colors of the city. Discover the local sports teams and use these as a spring board of ideas as well.

The purpose of this date night is to celebrate the origin of the person God created especially for you. End it by serving their favorite dessert. There really are no limits to the fun a date night like this could provide.

Tom was born in Buffalo, NY. I’m thinking we’re going to enjoy some wings in the near future. He may draw the line when I suggest us riding a mechanical bull though. You can only take a theme so far. But it sure is fun thinking and planning for it.

Where was your spouse born? How could celebrate the origin of your spouse? We’d love to hear about it.

This is my 18th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Date Night Ideas, Unique Dates, Vintage Posts | Tagged , , | 10 Comments

Getting To Know You

Posted on April 17, 2019 by Debi Walter
We all come into marriage with expectations. Getting to know each other is the start of dismantling them.

Photo by Juliette F on Unsplash

A famous song is our post title for today. We did a parody of it at our church a few years ago for a ladies retreat that focused on the seasons of life. This song is one of my favorites that I still quote. It is about a new wife’s perspective and what they are learning about their husbands…

Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you.

You must have “boys” eyes, never find anything.

I don’t know how you managed this long without me.

To help you find your keys and your clothes, tho’ they’re under your nose,

Day by day.

Getting to know you. Getting to know all about you.

I never knew how needy a man could be.

When he is sick he acts as if he is dying.

He really milks it for all that it’s worth.

Thank God he can’t give birth!

Day by day.

Of course this is a tongue-in-cheek song that is full of stereotypes to make us laugh. But seriously, getting to know each other can be a daunting task. Especially if you enter the marriage with little or no counsel.

Wives can think their husbands will become like their best girlfriends, talking about any and everything. After all, that is what best friends are for. Right?

Husbands can think their wives are going to embrace their life and routines without question, with the best part being great sex on a regular basis.

Any of you who have been married more than a minute know this is not usually the case. (Of course there are exceptions and if you are one, you should thank God every day for this blessing!)

But if you are struggling to understand your spouse and their POV, know that this is common in most marriages. It can be the starting point of a deeper relationship if you don’t ignore the differences.

Begin by…

  • Seeking to understand each other.
  • Asking questions and listening to the answers before formulating your next question.
  • Not expecting to get it the first time you talk about it.
  • Remembering each person brings a different dynamic to the marriage.
  • Realizing no two marriages are alike. What works for others may not work for you and that’s okay.

Think of it as a marriage adventure. You begin your journey with a car packed with everything you think you’ll need on this trip together. He has his things and she has hers. He enjoys all outdoor activities. She prefers the food and shopping found along the way. They both have high expectations of what it will take to make this adventure fun and memorable. You can be sure there will be disagreements as to where they go and what they do with their time. There is one word offered to the wise that will make all the difference in how to make sure this journey will succeed…compromise.

A compromise is a meeting in the middle, agreeing to consider another option.

We all have expectations, and they can be good. When they aren’t good is when they turn into demands.

Demand is defined: to ask for something forcefully, in a way that shows that you do not expect to be refused. 

If this is where you are in your relationship, there is hope. Realizing the problem is more than half of the battle. A great resource that we have found helpful with this issue is a book by Paul David Tripp titled, What Did You Expect? Redeeming The Realities Of Marriage

“One way God establishes beauty is by putting things that are different next to each other. Isn’t this exactly what God does in marriage? He puts very different people next to each other. This is how he establishes the beauty of a marriage. The moon would not be so striking if it hung in a white sky; in the same way, the striking beauty of a marriage is when two very different people learn to celebrate and benefit from their differences and to be protected from their weaknesses by being sheltered by the other’s strength.”

We pray we can all learn to find such beauty in our marriages: Celebrating the differences and sheltered by each other’s strength.

What are some ways you have found this to be true in your relationship?

Celebrating the differences and making them a strength in marriage.

Photo by Pearse O’Halloran on Unsplash

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This is my 17th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Cherishing, Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Perspective in Marriage, resources | Tagged , , , , | 10 Comments

If Your Sheets Could Talk

Posted on April 16, 2019 by Debi Walter
Sexual Intimacy in marriage is one of the areas many couples struggle with without resolve. It doesn't have to be this way.

Photo by JOHN TOWNER on Unsplash

Yesterday we talked about the challenges all couples face when it comes to money. If resolve isn’t found, it can be the final death blow to a struggling marriage. There is another challenging area in marriage often cited as the reason for divorce. Can you guess what it is? Here’s a hint–it requires a vulnerability like nothing else in your relationship. Physical Intimacy.

We have said it before and it’s worth repeating. Intimacy in marriage is crucial in all areas–spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy. Intimacy is an invitation, “Into Me See”. If you or your spouse are not willing to be this vulnerable with each other the marriage will struggle.

When God made Adam and Eve He said a profound thing about married life before the Fall. “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” – Genesis 2:25 ESV

What’s ironic to me is that before we get married it is often a huge struggle to not become sexually active. Song of Solomon makes it clear, “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” Song of Solomon 8:4 ESV. If you are in a serious relationship the temptation to physical intimacy is strong. Once the marriage vows are taken and all restrictions are lifted, the struggle often begins in regards to sexual intimacy, many times on the honeymoon. Why? One would think sex would be great after marriage, no more restraints–just pleasure.

Tom and I have counseled countless couples who struggle in this area. It is heartbreaking in a way other difficulties aren’t. I believe it is because this is the only area that requires complete exposure without shame. You can’t hide from your spouse in marriage. They see and know you more than anyone else. But there is another huge reason and that is we have a enemy who wants to destroy us. Before marriage he is after our reputation. After marriage he is working to break it apart. We must realize we are a team fighting a common enemy. Realizing this one fact goes a long way in coming to a place of health in your sex life.

Pointing fingers never works. It only adds shame where there should be none.

What I love about sexual intimacy is that it is unique to every couple. What you find enjoyable and intimate may or may not be what others find enjoyable. Communication is the key to discovering what “Into me see” looks like in your marriage.

And another thing, your sex life is private. Guard it. Don’t talk about it with others, unless it’s agreed  upon mutually for help in a current struggle. Be your spouse’s best friend and keep their heart safe by your loyalty, even if you are hurting by the current conflict.

I remember a time early on in our marriage when I was really struggling with somethings regarding our physical intimacy. When I mentioned it to Tom he purposed to listen to me, ask good questions and help me understand where and why I was struggling. It was such a gift to have not only his ear, but his heart. I felt loved and cared for, not belittled for the struggle.

This is what a healthy marriage looks like, not one without struggles–there are no perfect marriages. A healthy marriage is one where you can discuss anything and find resolve. It may not happen easily or as quick as you’d like, but you are resolved to keep pushing through until you get there.

A healthy marriage doesn’t quit because the situation is too tense or too heated.

If you find yourself in this place is there hope? Absolutely. As long as you are both breathing there is still hope.

Our encouragement to you would be pray together or separately about the issue. Be specific in your requests. God doesn’t blush the way we often do about sex. He created it and it brings Him glory when we get it right. Pour out your heart to Him. Give Him the burden you have been carrying. Learn to lament.

Mark Vroegop with Desiring God Ministries wrote an excellent article titled, How to Lament Well.

“But lament is different than crying because lament is a form of prayer. It is more than just the expression of sorrow or the venting of emotion. Lament talks to God about pain. And it has a unique purpose: trust. It is a divinely-given invitation to pour out our fears, frustrations, and sorrows for the purpose of helping us to renew our confidence in God.”

Did you catch that? We have been invited by God to pour out all our fears, frustrations and sorrows on Him. He is ready and willing to help. Don’t ignore the struggle or you may wake up one day and realize there is nothing left to save.

A book we have found to be helpful is, Sheet Music–Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, by Dr. Kevin Leman.

We also recommend Cherish –The One Word That Changes Everything, by Gary Thomas.

Both books have become rich resources to us as we counsel couples in all aspects of marriage.

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This is our 16th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Biblical Encouragement, Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Sexual Intimacy | Tagged , , , , | 20 Comments

Do You Struggle With This In Your Marriage?

Posted on April 15, 2019 by Debi Walter
Today is Tax Day in American. Money problems in marriage cause much conflict. How to overcome this tension is not as difficult as you may think.

Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Today is Tax Day in America. It is the day we all must pay our dues to the government whether we like it or not. If they have taken too much from us during the year, it is a time when a refund check is due. While raising small children, those refunds were an unexpected blessing.

Now that we are retired we are facing a new challenge–taxes due. It’s always difficult to pay the government taxes because it seems we don’t get anything out of it. Of course, that isn’t true. We benefit much from what the government does for us. Infrastructures that make our lives easier, protection from our enemies, healthcare for seniors, National Parks to enjoy and interstates to help us get there.

Jesus, when asked about paying taxes to Caesar, startled those questioning him…

“Teacher, we know that you are true and teach the way of God truthfully, and you do not care about anyone’s opinion, for you are not swayed by appearances.b 17Tell us, then, what you think. Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not?” 18But Jesus, aware of their malice, said, “Why put me to the test, you hypocrites? 19Show me the coin for the tax.”And they brought him a denarius.c 20And Jesus said to them, “Whose likeness and inscription is this?”21They said, “Caesar’s.” Then he said to them, “Therefore render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” 22When they heard it, they marveled. And they left him and went away.” Matthew 22:16-22 ESV (emphasis mine)

It is right to pay taxes and not complain about it. It is good to be faithful in our finances. It matters because Jesus spoke a lot about money including this verse, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21

Money is one of the leading causes of arguments often leading to divorce in marriage. Either the fight is over how it is spent or how it is saved. Both can be tense conversations.

Dave Ramsey, with Financial Peace University says,

“There’s no denying that men and women look at money differently. Typically, one spouse is a nerd and the other is a free spirit when it comes to the budget…Nerds enjoy putting together the monthly budget and calculating the numbers. They like that it gives them a sense of security, and they feel like they’re taking care of their loved ones. Free spirits don’t want to have anything to do with the numbers and tend to “forget” about a budget. They may feel controlled or not cared for, and appear irresponsible to the nerd. This can be a dangerous combination that leads to problems in your money and your marriage.”

It doesn’t have to be this way. Communication is the key to gaining understanding in this conflict. Don’t give up! Work through the misunderstandings and come to a place of resolve together. The goal isn’t winning the argument…

“The challenge in marriage is to work through the different identities, ideals and values you each bring to the relationship. You win at marriage by losing your need to get your way in every battle. You get a happy marriage by giving up selfish desires in order to win together—you create shared visions and goals out of your own individual goals!”

We love Dave Ramsey and how he has helped countless couples overcome this tension in marriage. If you have never attended a Financial Peace Class we highly recommend it. We led a group through our church and it was one of the most beneficial weekends we have attended. The lessons learned and applied have helped us navigate the financial strains all couples face. Our son even works for Ramsey Solutions Group in Tennessee. He just celebrated his 5th anniversary with the company.

Yeah, Dave Ramsey has been a blessing to our family in many ways. We pray he will also be a blessing to you, if this is an area of struggle. The important thing is to not ignore it! Find a resolve whatever it takes. Just like Tax Day comes around every year, you can be sure this conflict will roll around often until it is resolved.

For more information about Dave Ramsey and his resources click here. 

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This is my 15th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Growing Strong Marriages, Money and Finances, Priorities, Troubled Marriage | 16 Comments

If My Spouse Would Just…

Posted on April 14, 2019 by Debi Walter

How would you fill in the blank...If only my spouse would...?

Photo by Priscilla Du Perez on Unsplash

How would you finish this title? “If my spouse would just…” If you have an immediate answer that involves something they need to do to change, it’s likely you have some unresolved conflict lingering in the air.

We all have our own plans for how things should go. When our spouse goes in a direction different than what we would have chosen it often causes conflict. Knowing this happens goes a long way to help resolve this common problem.

When it happens we have a choice to make. We can…

  1. Do it their way without complaint.
  2. Do it their way and grumble under your breath.
  3. Ignore their request and do nothing.
  4. Ignore their request and do it my way.
  5. Refuse their request telling them loudly why my way is better.
  6. Ask if we can talk about the situation.

Which way we choose speaks volumes of our commitment to the marriage. Some of us choose to ignore the hot spots in marriage all together. Ken Sande in his book, Peacemaker, calls this “peace faking”. Peace fakers avoid conflict at all costs, even to the detriment of the marriage. “Peace breakers” are those who let their way be known loud and clear, usually with an attitude or anger.

Of the six choices above #6 is the starting point. #1 can be good if you aren’t avoiding the conversation because of fear. The four in the middle are all sinful responses and should be resisted.

Maybe the best thing to do is to consider how your spouse would answer the title. What is something they have been wanting you to do/change/or stop doing?

Why not take it to the Lord and ask His help in changing you? After all, we can’t change our spouse. The only one we can work on changing is ourselves. It may be that as you focus on yourself you’ll no longer notice what your spouse is or isn’t doing. And the hope is that God will nudge them to make needed changes. After all He is the only One who can change hearts.

This is my 14th post in the Ultimate Blogging Challenge to post everyday in April.

 

 

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , , , , | 9 Comments

Do You Know Alfred Mosher Butts?

Posted on April 13, 2019 by Debi Walter

scrabble1

I didn’t until now. But you most certainly know what he created 71 years ago. My favorite board game of all time–Scrabble. That’s right, Mr. Butts was an out-of-work architect who decided to combine his love of crossword puzzles with his love of anagrams. He added in the numbers for scoring purposes and America’s best-loved word game was formed.

Today in National Scrabble Day because on this day in 1899, Alfred Mother Butts was born.

Scrabble has always been my favorite game to play, but Tom doesn’t love it as much as I do. This led me to figure out a way to remove the parts Tom doesn’t like about it: e.g. the limited number of letter tiles, the rule not allowing proper nouns, and time limits. Once I adjusted the rules we landed on our romantic version of this family classic. Romantic Scrabble.

We first shared this with our readers back in July 0f 2011 and it is still one of most popular posts. It was worth repeating with you 8 years later.

Romantic Scrabble Rules:

  • Take all the Scrabble letters and place them face up on the table.
  • Light a couple of candles for ambiance.  🙂
  • Place the letters of your last name on the center of the board – however you choose as long as the center X is covered.
  • Give each player the points scored with your last name.  Remember the center X doubles the value of the word.  Since you are one – it simply makes sense you both get the points scored by using your last name.
  • Whoever is the oldest goes first.  Make a word using whatever letters you want providing they represent a romantic memory you both share AND it ties into your name.
  • The next player goes using whatever letters he/she wants as long as it is a romantic memory you both share.
  • Keep score of the points as you go.
  • The goal is to see if you can use all the letters – filling up the Scrabble board with lots of romantic memories.

We think Mr. Butts would be proud of our version of his game. He and his wife, Nina, enjoyed playing the game with their friends. It was recorded in his obituary, “Mrs. Butts was better at the game than her inventor spouse. Once she scored 234 for “quixotic.” He admitted that she “beat me at my own game,” literally. No buts about that!

An interesting fact; the word butt is worth 10 points in Scrabble. A perfect 10. 🙂

This is my 13th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April. 

 

Posted in April 2019, Christian Marriage, Creative Dates, Date Night Ideas, Romantic Ideas, Ultimate Blog Challenge | Tagged , , , , | 14 Comments

Five Friday Favorites – Marriage Memes

Posted on April 12, 2019 by Debi Walter

Five Friday Favorites - Marriage Memes

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. But a picture with words speaks volumes. We have an entire Pinterest Board devoted to some of our favorite marriage memes.

In case you don’t know, memes are pronounced “meems” and are defined as captioned photos that are intended to be funny, often as a way to publicly ridicule human behavior. However, memes have grown to become so much more over time. They are a great way to share encouraging quotes that build good relationships. Thus the creation of our Pinterest board.

Today, as part of my Five Friday Favorites series, I would like to share with you five of our favorite marriage memes.

Print them if you like and use them in your home to remind you of the gift it is to be married. Sometimes we need to be reminded because we forget. I’d love for you to share any memes you’ve found that have encouraged you in your marriage.

Five Friday Favorites - Marriage Memes

Five Friday Favorites - Marriage Memes

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This is our 12th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Biblical Encouragement, Christian Marriage, Encouraging Your Spouse, Five Friday Favorites, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , , | 14 Comments

Vintage Post – 8 Cheap Dates On A Tight Budget

Posted on April 11, 2019 by Debi Walter
8 Valuable Dates to use on a budget.

Originally posted August 2012

There was a time in my life when I would have taken offense at being called a “cheap date.” But once you’re married with small children, teenagers or without a job, a cheap date is a grateful option and becomes quite valuable. Many couples think if they are limited on money then the date night is the first thing that needs to go.

I would disagree.

When you’re forced to live on a limited budget date nights are even more important. When stress is high, the need to connect increases. And connecting is difficult if there isn’t time set aside to actually connect!

So now that you see the need, let’s talk about the how!

This is my favorite thing to do–brainstorm fun ideas when it seems there isn’t anything fun to do that’s also cheap.

8 Valuable Cheap Date Ideas:

  1. Wherever you go hold hands. It is an easy way to connect and communicate the importance of being together.
  2. Plan a dessert rendezvous under the stars. Set up two comfy chairs, get candles, a firepit or tiki torches – whatever you already have, and set the chairs around the fire. Get a small table using one from your house, and serve your dessert while enjoying the music provided by the crickets. See if you can spot a shooting star.
  3. Set up a jigsaw puzzle on a table somewhere in your home where it won’t be in the way. Work on it together when you have some time. You’ll be surprised at how much casual conversation takes place while doing this.
  4. Go to your local bookstore or library. Each of you split up for 15 minutes and find a non-fiction book you find interesting. For the next 15 minutes read until you discover something you did’t know before. Then spend the rest of the evening talking about what you’ve learned.
  5. What was a favorite movie of yours before you and your spouse met? Plan an evening to watch it together. Don’t forget to include your favorite movie snacks too.
  6. Have a spa night where you give each other massages. Afterward draw a warm bubble bath surrounded with candles and soft music.
  7. If your spouse enjoys sports, plan an evening to watch a video of some the most memorable moments in sports history. If they’ve already seen all of them, then make your own trivia contest and see if you can stump them. If they win, they get to choose the prize. If you stump them, you get to choose. With this game no matter who loses still wins!
  8. If you need more ideas, we have them under our D.R.A.B. date night category, which stands for “Does Not Require A Babysitter.”

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This is our 11th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Cheap Dates, Christian Marriage, Date Night Ideas, Free Dates | Tagged , , | 14 Comments

Tale of Two Conversations – The Choice Is Yours

Posted on April 10, 2019 by Debi Walter

Why do we hesitate to bring our struggles into the light? I believe there is one huge reason.

Conversation #1 –

Something was weighing on my mind. It was concerning something in our marriage, and I had been dwelling on it long enough to make me discouraged. It grew larger in my thoughts as each day passed. I prayed about it. I complained in my heart about it. I talked to myself about my disappointment. But I didn’t think to talk to Tom about it. Instead, I allowed this thought to fester. What it produced was a lack of intimacy bringing with it distance.

Conversation #2 –

Something was weighing on my mind. It was concerning something in our marriage, and I decided I couldn’t keep this to myself. I took and deep breath and asked Tom if we could talk. I told him something was bothering me, but I was afraid I couldn’t say it in a way that wouldn’t hurt him. He took my hand and sat us both down together. I had his full attention and there was no turning back. I shared my struggle, not in a self-righteous, “what’s wrong with you”, tone. But in a sincere concern for him tone. He got it. We talked about how we could tackle this together, and this produced intimacy that brought me to tears. I felt heard, loved and cared for. And I think he did as well.

Why do we hesitate to bring our struggles into the light? I believe there is one huge reason. We are listening to the wrong voice in our head. Anytime we hear the voice of a critical spirit we can be sure that this is the voice to silence. God never treats us in a condescending way. Only the enemy of our soul stoops to such measures because sadly, it works!

The next time something is weighing on your mind. Make the time necessary to talk about it face-to-face. Don’t come with a pointed finger casting blame. Instead, come with a hand to help and a heart to understand. Finish the conversation by praying together about the issue. When you are the one who needs to work on an area, it helps to hear your spouse pray for you. It is a window allowing you to see how your neglect or sin in an area affects them.

Intimacy doesn’t just happen. It happens by making hard choices to lean in together instead of pulling away. It’s purposing to do hard things for the long-range good of your marriage. Which conversation will you choose? The choice is yours.

This is our 10th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Keeping It Real, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , , | 9 Comments

2018 Date Night Challenge – The Letter “Z”

Posted on April 9, 2019 by Debi Walter
The Letter “Z” our final date in the 2018 Date Night Challenge.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

You read that title right.

Our daughter got married in January 2018. She was the last one to leave the nest, so we knew this would be an adjustment for us. Instead of giving in to the sadness of the change, we decided to turn our focus to a Date Night Challenge. Thus, the alphabet dates began. We each took turns planning a date based on a letter in the alphabet. We had so much fun, and it helped us not give in to the temptation to be sad over our empty-nest.

By December we had nearly finished. We had two letters left, but no time to plan them. So we postponed them. Our “Y” date took place last month. And finally it’s time for our “Z” date.

Honestly? We have no creativity or energy left, except to take a nap. And then we realized what a perfect way to celebrate the letter “Z”, by taking nap together! It is Sunday and for years we would come home after church and put our kids down for a nap. This is where our Sunday afternoon naps were born.

This was one of our favorite parts of being married, being able to cuddle in bed and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Such a peace and security in this simple act, knowing the other is there breathing and resting within arms reach.

We encourage you to take the challenge and plan a date night around every letter in the alphabet. We sure enjoyed our time doing it. If you’d like to read what we did for each of our Alphabet Dates, click here.

What did you do on your last date night together? We’d love to hear about it.

This is our 9th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

Posted in 2018 Date Night Challenge, Alphabet Dates, Christian Marriage, Date Night Ideas | Tagged , , , | 7 Comments

Monday Tradition

Posted on April 8, 2019 by Debi Walter
We celebrated our 40th anniversary in February. And for most of those years we have kept a tradition--a favorite tradition.
Every Monday is our weekly date night. You may ask,

Photo by Crew on Unsplash

We celebrated our 40th anniversary in February. And for most of those years we have kept a tradition–a favorite tradition.

Every Monday is our weekly date night. You may ask, “Why Monday?” We had a very practical reason. Monday was always our pastors’ day off so no church activities were ever planned. This made Monday’s most likely to not have any interruptions, and it worked!

Even now, being empty-nesters, we hold Monday with a special reserve, like a fine wine.

An added bonus of Monday date nights? Most babysitters are available and the restaurants aren’t crowded. It’s a win-win.

On a typical date night we enjoy going to restaurant where we know we can talk and take our time. No hurried servers trying to get us to check out soon. It’s on these nights when we enjoy asking each other questions like:

  • How is your soul? (This one always takes time to consider.)
  • What are you most excited about in this season?
  • What are you asking God to help you accomplish?
  • How can I pray for you this week?

You’ll notice, none of these questions involve work, parenting, or ministry. They are personal and show concern for the heart. This is the privilege of a spouse–to ask these questions in an effort to learn, grow and understand your spouse on a deeper level. Check out these questions to select from on your next date. It will help your conversation go to a deeper level.

What nights do you set aside to connect? What is your favorite date night idea?

This is our 8th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Date Night Ideas, Dating Your Spouse, Priorities | Tagged , | 10 Comments

It’s The Little Things

Posted on April 7, 2019 by Debi Walter
What little things makes your spouse feel loved and cherished? If you don’t know, do all you can to find out. It’s often the little things that mean the most.

Photo by David Mao on Unsplash

If I wake up before Tom, one of the ways I enjoy showing him my love and care is to get his coffee ready to brew. If I hear him stirring in the bedroom I’ll even press the brew button so that his coffee is ready for him when he appears.

This doesn’t take much effort on my part, but it speaks volumes to him.

  • First, it lets him know I was thinking of him.
  • Second, He sees that I was willing to put aside my routine to do something special for him.
  • Third, He realizes how well I know him–listening for him to wake up, and taking the steps to make his favorite morning beverage.

Little things don’t take much effort, but it requires an intentionality to see the opportunity when it arises.

There are lots of other little ways to show my love for him. And what works for my husband may not work for yours. Gary Thomas in his excellent book, Cherish, calls this “cherishing your unique spouse.”

Cherishing each other requires dealing with a real, particular spouse and is fueled by the spouse’s uniqueness. If two-carat diamonds were as common as sand on a seashore, none of them would be cherished. But the fact that something is different makes it precious. That’s why we cherish it—it’s one of a kind. Your spouse is unique, special—and for them to feel cherished, they need to be treated as such.

We each have a unique spouse with likes and preferences unlike anyone else. The wise and loving spouse will spend time getting to know them in an effort to love and bless their uniqueness.

What is one thing you know your spouse enjoys? Do all you can to make this happen for them today. It may not seem like much, but it’s the little things that speak volumes of our love and commitment to make their lives better.

This is our 7th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

Posted in Cherishing, Christian Marriage, Encouraging Your Spouse | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Defining Disappointments in Marriage

Posted on April 6, 2019 by Debi Walter
Marriage is hard. It takes a life-long commitment to pursue each other regardless of the circumstances we face. We tend to romance our marriage vows because they sound so poetic. But think about it -- I am promising to make my spouse my priority in the worse, the poorer and the sickness of life. It sounds so noble--until it's not.

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

“If we have a misunderstanding of God we will most certainly have a wrong understanding of our circumstances.” – Lysa Terkeurst

Marriage is hard. It takes a life-long commitment to pursue each other regardless of the circumstances we face. We tend to romance our marriage vows because they sound so poetic. But think about it — I am promising to make my spouse my priority in the worse, the poorer and the sickness of life. It sounds so noble–until it’s not.

Life is messy, and marriage multiplies the trouble.

  • Children add strain to our wedded bliss–either through physical health challenges, behavior struggles or refusing to sleep through the night. Maybe you and your spouse don’t agree on how to deal with these types of challenges; that makes it even harder to bear.
  • Work life brings its own problems. You weren’t given the promotion for which you had worked months to achieve. Your spouse faces depression as a result and you feel helpless and alone. Or an office relationship your spouse has turns into something more, and you are left with a decision you never thought you’d have to make-to stay or to leave.
  • Sickness hits your spouse requiring you to give and serve on levels you’ve never imagined. A future that once looked bright is now dotted with doctor appointments and treatments with no guarantee of the outcome.

These are just a few examples of how life as we planned it may not happen. Does that mean the marriage is doomed? Only if you succumb to the temptations to flee.

It is vital that as Christians we remember there is nothing we go through that hasn’t first passed through God’s all-knowing, all-loving hand. He takes us through difficulty to help us know Him more.

When we are disappointed and angry in our circumstances it may be we are dissing His appointments chosen just for us.

Let me repeat that. When we are disappointed and angry in our circumstances it may be we are dissing His appointments chosen just for us.

To “dis” someone is to disrespect or dismiss them altogether. I imagine many of you may be asking, how can this be? How can God be allowing such hardship in my marriage. Isn’t He supposed to be good?

We must remember what the Bible says. God’s ways are not our ways. But He IS Good. This truth must be embraced to walk through the dark valleys together. Sometimes there are no answers that satisfy our broken hearts. But God has promised to never leave us in the mess. He will faithfully walk us through it to the other side where we may find answers or maybe we won’t. But one thing is certain, we will know and love Him more if we endure.

A marriage that has stood the test of time is a beautiful thing.

It isn’t because “they just got a good one” as we have heard many times. No, it’s how they chose to stay committed even through the disappointments of life. Trusting God when you don’t know what tomorrow will bring is faith in its purest form. It’s daring to believe in the goodness and kindness of God when it feels the exact opposite.

Next time you are faced with disappointment in your marriage, pause and ask God to help you embrace His appointment chosen just for you. Ask Him to give you eyes to see and faith to trust His choice for you in this season. These are prayers that please Him and indicate your sincere faith in what you cannot see.

NOTE: If you are not a Christian, having trusted in Christ alone for your salvation, this post will most likely not make sense. We encourage you, if interested, to read your Bible and discover Jesus for yourself. Start with the Gospel of John. This December will mark my 50th year as a believer. I can say He has been faithful to keep His promises, and He is good!

This is my 6th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

Posted in Biblical Encouragement, Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , | 10 Comments

What’s Your Marriage Forecast?

Posted on April 6, 2019 by Debi Walter

Weather. We depend on it for so much of our activities. Will we do this or that? It all depends on the weather. No one wants to eat outside when it's too cold or too hot. Nor do we plan a picnic when it's humid - anytime between June and November in Florida. We choose our activities based on the perfect weather conditions for it, don't we? We can control what we choose to do based on the comfort level available. In marriage we would do well to consider this truth.

Weather. We depend on it for so much of our activities. Will we do this or that? It all depends on the weather. No one wants to eat outside when it’s too cold or too hot. Nor do we plan a picnic when it’s humid – anytime between June and November in Florida. We choose our activities based on the perfect weather conditions for it, don’t we? We can control what we choose to do based on the comfort level available.

In marriage we would do well to consider this truth.

What is the temperature in your home? A bit cold lately? This is not the time to discuss sensitive subjects. It’s best to warm up a bit by showing love and care towards each other. We can control the temperature by adjusting our attitudes and expectations. This goes both ways.

Oftentimes our greatest disappointments are because we expected too much and communicated too little.

Maybe things are really heated and you’ve discovered there are some topics where you just can’t agree. That’s when good friends are a needed asset, like a good weather forecaster.

Tom and I have recently come up against some differences of opinion on important things, but not crucial things. It really effects nothing more than our schedule to do it his way or my way. What we need is to come to a place where we can agree to disagree. Friends are great at bringing us to this resolve. They can ask questions in a way that makes us think of the other’s perspective. There really is no right or wrong answer, it is a matter of preference. And shouldn’t we prefer one another over our own desires? Especially the one we say we love the most?

What about you? How do you avoid tumultuous weather conditions? How do you navigate heated topics? Or how do you deal with the chill of neglect in your home? It all comes down to what we vowed in the first place. Didn’t we promise to love and cherish each other in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, for better or worse? I think this post falls in the “or worse” scenario. No one likes to be too cold or too hot. Just ask Goldilocks (sorry, I couldn’t resist!) We prefer things to be just right. But when they aren’t? Don’t sulk and pull away. Phone a friend instead. They really are like a trusted weather forecaster who helps you prepare and avoid being caught in the elements. And maybe they will also bring the needed refreshment to cool a hot debate.

“He who walks with the wise grows wise.” – Proverbs 13:20a

What friends do you have that can help you with your marriage forecast?

This is our 6th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Keeping It Real | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Five Friday Favorites – Worship Songs

Posted on April 5, 2019 by Debi Walter
The five things that are on my mind this week are worship songs. Worship plays a huge part in our marriage. It is here where we can join together worshiping our Savior using the words and melodies of heart-searching songs to lift our eyes to the only One who knows us best.

Photo by Zac Durant on Unsplash

The five things that are on my mind this week are worship songs.

Worship plays a huge part in our marriage. It is here where we can join together worshiping our Savior using the words and melodies of heart-searching songs to lift our eyes to the only One who knows us best.

It has been an emotional week for us. Maybe we’ll delve into that in future posts, but not yet. Right now worship is what is helping us most. These are five of our favorite songs. We hope you’ll take a few minutes to listen and let these songs minister to you as they have to us.

Here Again, by Elevation Worship

Do It Again, by Elevation Worship

The Stand, by Hillsong United

All Because of Christ, Austin Stone Worship

So Will I, Hillsong United

I am grateful for the gift God has given us through worship. It is in this place where His Spirit meets us in our point of need. What a gift I never want to take for granted.

What worship songs are your favorites?

This is our 5th post in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in April.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Encouraging Your Spouse, Five Friday Favorites, Music, Ultimate Blog Challenge, Worship | Tagged , , , , , , | 15 Comments