Ugh, Keeping It Real

Posted on March 7, 2016 by Debi Walter

  
It was a typical Sunday. We enjoyed our Morning at the church where we have been members since its inception in 1985. Afterwards we enjoyed catching up with friends in the lobby and then went to lunch. 

So far, so good!

We were getting ready for our marriage community group dinner at our home that evening, so I went to the grocery store to buy the meat so Tom could prepare for the meeting.

Still going well.

Then, it happened! I walked in the door to find Tom sleeping on the couch. My first thought, which I’m ashamed to admit, was I thought he was going to study and instead he’s resting.

How I wish I could tell you I rejected that thought, but I didn’t. I let it fester, which led to me waking him up abruptly wanting him to help me clean the house. After all, we were have our marriage group over, for goodness sake!

Ugh!

It only took a few more minutes to realize how unfair and critical I was being to Tom. He is not lazy. He works hard. So why was I so quick to judge and condemn him?

I believe it’s because we have an enemy who whispers in our ear the voice of accusation. Instead of believing the best I allowed such wicked thoughts to have an audience in my heart.

Tom didn’t react. He got up and helped me clean the house. The more he helped the worse I felt for being such a brat. 

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. – Proverbs 15:1

I apologized for being so critical of him. I asked his forgiveness which he gave me. Then he asked a very important question…”Why do you think you were so quick to go there?”

I said, “When I walked in I expected you to be studying and instead you were sleeping. I assumed you hadn’t done what you said you were going to do.” 

He replied, “I had already done what I needed and my eyes got heavy so I closed them to rest.”

Ugh! My heart is in such need of the transforming grace of Jesus Christ who willingly laid down His life so that I would no longer be a slave to such a critical spirit. 

Gratefully, my sin is no match for God’s grace. He forgave me, Tom forgave me and now we have a fresh example to share with you as well as our marriage community group tonight of how not to treat your spouse.

In what ways are you tempted to not think the best of your spouse? How has this complicated your relationship? 

My encouragement to you is to extend grace whether you’re on the giving end or the receiving end. We all need His grace to do this thing called marriage well. And you know what? God has provided all we need!

Posted in Christian Marriage | 6 Comments

Happy Hour 

Posted on March 4, 2016 by Debi Walter

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I’m very excited to share with you a couple of new blogs I’ve discovered this past week. The first is a woman and author named Ellen Gee, who has faced tremendous battles in her life. Through her blog and her recently published memoir titled, My Mother’s Song, she shares with us what she’s learned through it all.

SlipStream

  • Til Death Parted Us<<Ellen shares her perspective on love, romance and commitment after she said goodbye to her husband of 38 years. (tissue alert!)
  • It Wasn’t Funny Then<<Ellen shares with us about a time that was stressful to say the least, yet now looking back she wishes she had embraced the humor more than the frustration. Wise words from the voice of experience.

The next blog I’m excited to introduce to you is by our daughter, Tracy. She has faced many health struggles in her lifetime, none more so than the past ten years. We have watched her faith strengthen and her roots draw from the deep wells of God’s richest mercy reserved for those who suffer. She is an inspiration to all who know her, including her dad and me. This blog is the result of a year-long challenge she gave herself to choose joy everyday, no matter the circumstances.

ChooseJoy365

Finally, I want to share with you an outstanding and moving performance by Kelly Clarkson titled, Piece by Piece. Her father abandoned her when she was only 6 years old. She tried to restore the relationship, only to be hurt again. When she was married and pregnant with her first child, a little girl, she wrote this song to her.

 

Note To Fathers and Mothers…it matters how involved you are with your kids! You are training them to see a future you will never see. Do your job well and your influence will live on long after you’re gone. Our marriages affect our children more than we realize.

Let’s love well and love for a lifetime–through all the ups and downs we face together. The future depends on us to get it right.

Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Finding Joy, Growing Strong Marriages, Happy Hour | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

What’s Your One Thing?

Posted on March 2, 2016 by Debi Walter

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Many couples we’ve talked to have areas in their marriage that are neglected simply because the husband or wife doesn’t do something that they could or should do?

  • It may be because they don’t make it a priority on their calendar.
  • It could be that they’re holding out because their partner isn’t doing something for them.
  • It may be that you truly forgot because it wasn’t important to you.

Whatever the reason our encouragement is to stop! The only thing you’re hurting by neglect is your own marriage.

Think about it! By choosing to not do something that’s important to your spouse you’re saying that their requests aren’t important to you. Most likely you would never do this to your boss because your boss signs your paycheck. What value is this demonstrating? That money motivates, but my commitment and love for you and your happiness doesn’t? Ouch!

Sometimes the truth hurts. And many times hearing it from someone other than your spouse causes reason to flood a selfish heart.

So I ask you again, what is one thing your spouse is wanting you to do that you’ve neglected to do? Why not change the climate of your marriage by doing it. And then don’t draw attention to the fact that you did. Let them notice.

Chances are their response will motivate your desire to be faithful with the little things because it’s the little things that become big things when not addressed.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on What’s Your One Thing?

Leap Day Traditions

Posted on February 29, 2016 by Debi Walter

  
Today is Leap Day! I love the challenge of finding a way to apply a holiday in expressing our love to our spouse in a romantic way.

We once knew a couple who were married on Leap Day. I don’t think I would like only seeing my wedding date once every four years. And I don’t encourage us to save our romance for this date alone either.

So what can we do with this extra day? Why not come up with a tradition to  which you can both look forward?

Leap Day Tradition:

L – LIST out all the things you’ve enjoyed doing together over the past four years. ✍

E – EXPRESS your list to your spouse. 😃

A – AFFECTION set aside some time tonight to show your affection to your spouse.😊

P – PRAY together thanking God for all He has done and ask Him for wisdom in the coming four years. 🙏

Make a notebook to keep your list each Leap Day and then over time you can look back with thanks on all God has done.

Crazy Culinary Tradition:

Go out to dinner for frog legs. Now I wouldn’t enjoy this one bit, but if this is your thing go for it!
(IC: funnydam.com)

Posted in Christian Marriage | Comments Off on Leap Day Traditions

Happy Hour

Posted on February 26, 2016 by Debi Walter

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It’s Friday! Time to share with you the posts that qualify for our Specials of the Week. Take some time this weekend to read these. Your marriage will thank you!

Encourage Your Spouse

The Generous Husband

  • A Couple’s Work Can Be Done<<Paul addresses the old adage from a post about A Woman’s Job Is Never Done. Changing this mindset is the beginning of a new level of freedom and enjoyment in your marriage.

Hot, Holy and Humorous

  • A Wife’s Guide To Sexual Man Speak<<J provides practical help in interpreting what your husband most likely means when he says what he says. And men? There’s a great paragraph at the end you don’t want to miss. Both of you read it and see if you don’t walk away with a clearer understanding of each other in regards to your sexual intimacy.

Intimacy In Marriage

Journey To Surrender

Posted in Biblical Encouragement, Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Happy Hour | Comments Off on Happy Hour

Vintage Week – Cultivating Romance

Posted on February 26, 2016 by Debi Walter
Originally Posted on May 7, 2009

Originally Posted on May 7, 2009

A beautiful garden doesn’t come together and look great all by itself.  It takes planning, plowing, digging and planting.  It takes watering, weeding and pruning.  And it takes harvesting and reseeding to keep the crops coming back year after year.  This is the cycle God has set in motion and farmers know it well.

Marriage is like a garden. We go through cycles that we must understand in order to keep our love fresh and fruitful.

Song Of Solomon 4:16b says, “Let my beloved come to his garden, and eat its choicest fruits.” 

When we said “I do,” we were committing to keep our love alive no matter what life brought our way; in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer.

  • How is your garden?
  • Are you in a season that requires plowing up dry and hardened ground?
  • Or maybe you’re in a dormant season and all you see is dirt!
  • Is romance a thing of the past because of difficult circumstances?
Originally Posted May 7, 2009

Originally Posted May 7, 2009

No matter the condition of our garden, we are called to till the soil of romance in our marriages.  At times this is easy–like walking outside and picking a ripe, juicy tangerine off the tree.  Other times pursuing romance will require us to pull a few weeds in order to discover the beauty that was once there.

Wherever you find yourself we must make romance a priority, so when others see our garden they will glorify God for what He has done.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Romance in Marriage | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Vintage Week – Cultivating Romance

Vintage Post – What Is Biblical Fellowship?

Posted on February 24, 2016 by Debi Walter
Originally Posted on May 11, 2009

Originally Posted on May 11, 2009

We recently heard it said that Christian married couples who have been happily married for many years usually have one thing in common — they share biblical fellowship regularly.  What is biblical fellowship?  It is communicating with your spouse openly and honestly all that concerns you, including your sin and temptations in light of the Truth found in Scripture.  This sounds wonderful on one’s wedding day when both Bride and Groom are filled with great expectations of what God will do.  But there comes a time in every marriage when reality shows up, and suddenly marriage isn’t as fun as you thought it was going to be.

What happened?  Did you miss God’s will?  No – the truth is you’re right in the middle of God’s will.  This is the place where Truth meets Reality and we must comply.  Gary Thomas calls it “Falling Forward”; this is when we face difficulties, trials, heartaches and conflicts we are committed to work out our differences towards each other – not away.  It sounds easy as I type this on the computer, but doing it when emotions are full blown is another thing all together.

Gary and Betsy Ricucci noted, “One of the best wedding gifts God gave you was a full-length mirror called your spouse.  Had there been a card attached, it would have said, ‘Here’s to helping you discover what you’re really like!'”

So, what does this have to do with romance in marriage?  Everything!  In order to enjoy deep, satisfying romantic love together as husband and wife, there has to be biblical fellowship taking place day in and day out.  It sounds counterproductive that we must confess sin and endure conflict in order to experience deep and lasting romance, but this is because we’ve accepted a faulty view of romantic love.  True romance in marriage is multi-faceted.  It includes conflict and resolution, sin and forgiveness of sin, speaking the truth and accepting the truth.  It involves a willingness to openly expose the sinful motives of our hearts through confession of sin and repentance of sin, even when we don’t want to!

Biblical Fellowship between a husband and wife doesn’t happen naturally – it takes practice.  This is why we have provided some excellent questions (See Date Night Questions on the menu bar) to use when you have time to talk.   Make sure the time is sufficient and distractions limited.  We have a lifetime to get it right – and God will help us in our weakness; that’s a promise!

Posted in Biblical Encouragement, Christian Marriage, Conflict, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Vintage Week – Are You Listening?

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Debi Walter

We are celebrating our 37th wedding anniversary this week, so we’re providing something special for you while we’re away. We’re calling it Vintage Week where we re-post some of our best posts from past years that you might have missed. We hope you’ll enjoy them.

Vintage Post

Originally posted on April 17, 2009

Are You Listening?

How often do we tune out the voices of those around us?  We get so caught up in our duties and schedules that we miss wonderful opportunities to bless our spouse.

Recently Tom mentioned briefly on the phone that he couldn’t wait to come home.  He obviously had had a difficult day, and our home is the place he comes to for retreat.  When he walked in the door I took his hand and led him to his favorite chair in our room.  Waiting on the table for him was a plate of his favorite munchies, a cold drink and the book he’s currently reading.  I left him alone until dinner giving him time to relax and unwind.

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More times than not, I miss these opportunities.  It’s not because I don’t care for or love my husband.  It’s because I’m not listening on a regular basis for ways to bless, encourage and romance the man of my life.  It can be tempting to react with thoughts like, “I’m just as busy as he is…I need a break too!”  But the Bible tells us to treat others, not in the same way they treat us, but the way that we would like to be treated.  Someone has to go first – why not you?

Let’s purpose to listen for hints as to the needs and wants of our spouses.  This is one small way to communicate our love for them that is sure to have a lasting impact.

 

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Encouraging Your Spouse, Showing Honor | Tagged | 2 Comments

Happy Hour

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Debi Walter

img_2647It’s Friday and time for our weekly specials worth your read this weekend. We hope you’ll be intentional to read these excellent posts by bloggers we know and respect.

Hot, Holy and Humorous

Intimacy In Marriage

The Generous Husband

  • Less Is More<<A post that is right in line with what God is dealing with us on these days. What about you?

The Generous Wife

  • Create Your Own<<You know we love celebrating around here. Lori provides some springboards for a variety of ideas.
Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Happy Hour | Comments Off on Happy Hour

(Re)Creation Date Night Idea

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Debi Walter

Screen Shot 2016-02-18 at 4.22.47 PM

Tonight is special. I’m planning to bless Tom by recreating a dish that he had when we were in Mendocino, California, on vacation a year and a half ago.

I got the idea a while ago, but wasn’t sure how to pull it off, since I had no idea how to make what he had. It was a soup called Miso Healing Bowl. I didn’t taste it so I couldn’t even depend on my tastebuds to guide me. So I did the next best thing…I called the restaurant and asked if they would share the recipe.

The woman who answered the phone was pleasant and willing to help, but she was sad to report that the soup was something the chef created; there was no recipe. I explained to her what I was trying to do, and she loved it. She offered to tell me the ingredients, and I could go from there–so that’s what we did.

Miso Healing Bowl Soup recipe

Have you ever gone somewhere or done something that turned out to be really special to your spouse? Why not do what you can to (re)create that experience for them. It might be cooking a special dish, like I’m doing, or it could be watching a documentary that takes you on a similar excursion, like mountain biking or zip-lining. Take some time a remember some of your favorite moments. Then, decide which one you’d like to use to surprise your spouse.

What a blessing it is to share such special memories. Make them even better by reliving some of your best moments. You could also throw in a game of Romantic Scrabble making the most of all your shared memories.

The point is to bless your spouse by going all out to make them smile. This is what motivates me. I hope it will inspire you as well.

Until next time…Happy Dating!

 

Posted in Creative Dates, Dinner Dates, romancing your husband, romancing your spouse, Romantic Ideas | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

How Will You Answer This Question?

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Debi Walter
P.C. beneathblindfold.com

P.C. beneathblindfold.com

We talked with a couple once who had been married for over 50 years. We asked them the reason they’d made it to this milestone. The husband answered…

“She has her room and does the things she likes to do, and I have mine.”

I think many married couples learn how to tolerate each other and give the space needed to keep the peace. But is this the kind of marriage we’re hoping to build?

We can’t answer for you, but we can answer for us, and it’s a resounding, NO! We don’t want to live our latter years like two boxers who hang out in their corner of the ring and only connect when forced to by the bell.

This is why learning to communicate now about all areas of your marriage matters.

Each day we are building a home, both literally and figuratively. The figurative home is built by the choices you make. Are you building a home with lots of interior walls where you can hide? Or are you building a home without walls allowing you both to freely move about with no secrets?

We haven’t made it to 50 years yet; God-willing we will.  However, our marriage today is marked by openness and transparency. Sure there are times when we do things apart, and we enjoy those times either alone or with friends. But we aren’t avoiding each other due to  a lack of connectedness. We have built a home we both enjoy.

How would you answer this question? How about your spouse? Why not set aside some time in your home and talk about it. You might find there are walls you didn’t know existed.

(Click the photo above and scroll through the photos this couple took in front of their home through all the seasons they faced together. Powerful!)

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Happy Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 14, 2016 by Debi Walter

  

Posted in Slices | Comments Off on Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Hour

Posted on February 12, 2016 by Debi Walter

  
It’s that time of the week when we get to share with you special posts that are worth your time to read this weekend. We narrowed the list down, so you can finish by Sunday (Valentine’s Day)! If you haven’t yet, plan some alone time to celebrate your love. 

Marriage Gems

Row Home Review 

  • Do Not Fear The Hard Things Of Marriage<<Liz Wan is a personal friend. She is also and excellent writer who contributes to the Desiring God website. This is one of her recent posts that is worth your time. 

Desiring God

Posted in Happy Hour | Comments Off on Happy Hour

A Different Kind Of Valentine

Posted on February 10, 2016 by Debi Walter

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This is the week of the year where I am usually planning a romantic dinner for Tom on Valentine’s Day. It started years ago when our kids were still home and going out for the night was too expensive not to mention crowded. Somehow romance and crowds don’t go together–don’t you agree? That’s why we started going “all out” at home. Our anniversary falls 10 days later, so Tom usually plans that night out so I don’t have to cook. It’s a great plan that we look forward to each year.

So why is this year different?

It’s different because we have been invited by a church in MN to come share with them this weekend, including a Valentine’s Dinner where we will be sharing our heart for marriage and romance. We are very excited and realize how much God is stretching us out of our comfort zone.

In this season of life we are compelled to say YES to whatever opportunities God sends our way to bless and encourage marriages. And this is just the first step, which feels more like a giant leap for us!

We are not professionals. We don’t have accolades of testimonies recommending our books or our stories. We are just two people with a passion to see marriage succeed for the good of their families and most importantly for the glory of God. Our culture needs to see marriages that work for all the right reasons. And our children are depending on us to endure all the challenges of marriage to give them a right perspective on what it takes to make a marriage work. It’s not easy–but it is good!

We’d appreciate your prayers…the high predicted on Friday is 9 degrees and the low is -10! Thats ridiculous to this Florida girl. I just hope I can breathe. We woke up to a chilly morning in Florida. The thermometer read 45. Tom reminded me that on Saturday we’ll wake up to temps 55 degrees colder!!! What? He’s helpful like that. 😉

How are you spending Valentine’s Day this year? Check out the following posts for ideas:

How To Make It A Valentine’s Day He Won’t Forget (2014)

Valentine’s Day – Hype or Help? (2013)

Happy Valentine’s Day (2010)

Happy Valentine’s Day (2009)

Or click on the Husbands Only or Wives Only tab at the top of our blog.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Holidays, Valentine's Day | Tagged | 4 Comments

Seeing Grace

Posted on February 8, 2016 by Debi Walter

Metro

Yesterday at our church, Chris Jessee preached an inspiring message on a topic dear to our hearts in regards to marriage. He talked about our need to see grace in all of our relationships–those in the church, in our home and especially in our culture.

Sadly, there isn’t a lot of grace going around…

Churches split because of critical judgments and unmet expectations; families disintegrate over unforgiven offenses allowing bitterness to take up residence where love once dwelled; and our culture is confronted more often than not with a church that shakes a fist at their sin casting them to hell with their animosity.

It makes me hang my head in shame. Why? Because I too, have taken part in all three situations. I have looked at others in the church with critical thoughts. I have struggled in my heart to forgive my husband completely from the heart; and I have far-too-often been angry with our culture rather than loving them as Christ did with compassion.

Chris brought up another tendency we all deal with from time to time and that is our preferences. We take something that is a non-essential and make it essential in our eyes. A few examples:

  • How our children date or if they date at all!
  • Whether its permissible to drink alcohol in moderation or abstain all together.
  • Voting Democratic, Republican, Independent or not voting at all.
  • Relating to other races–making much of the differences or appreciating them for who they are.
  • Those who are pierced, tattooed, or dress unlike me.

You get the idea. What ways have you allowed your preferences to rule and reign in your home? How have they caused you to look at your spouse with disdain when they aren’t met? Or when it doesn’t look like you wanted it to look?

I’m guilty of this very thing. I like my life and my home to go according to plan.

But you know what? God is more interested in helping me break free from this bondage and to embrace a freedom than only grace can provide. Imagine no longer caring if your spouse picks up their dirty laundry, offering instead to pick it up yourself, grateful to have a spouse who makes a mess? Or what if the next time your spouse fails to do something you asked them to do you meet them with compassion, instead of anger and condemnation?

Jesus had every right to get exasperated with His disciples. They continually missed the grace and compassion Jesus had for the crowds. But He not only had compassion on the crowds, but also on His disciples. He knew their sanctification would take a lifetime and so will ours. He is patient, and He is faithful to complete the work He’s begun in us. This is the very best of news!

Let’s pause on this Monday and ask God to show us the ways He wants us to SEE GRACE and EXTEND GRACE instead of commanding our preferences on those we are called to love. 

Posted in Biblical Encouragement, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Seeing Grace

I Saw It In Her Eyes

Posted on February 3, 2016 by Debi Walter

Week2-Needing-a-threshold-change-FancyFreeMe

Tonight we got a FaceTime call from our daughter-in-love in Tennessee. They are about to embark on a new chapter in their family–they’re moving in March from a townhouse to a house with two more bedrooms and a fenced in backyard. It is a welcome change for our son and his wife. But to our six-year-old granddaughter there is much sadness.

I am well aware of that feeling–when God is requiring you to let go of a place you have enjoyed to embrace something that is new and unknown. She had tears in her eyes knowing that tomorrow they would go to see this new place, and she wasn’t happy. She wasn’t ready to let go of the place she has called home for two years.

I understood the fear that was so evident in her eyes. They made my own heart ache for her. I wanted to tell her it would be okay, that there would be new memories made in her new home; yet to her all she could see was the place of which she was being forced to let go. Instead of saying “cheer up little one,” I took another approach…

“Willow, will you promise me something?” I asked.

“What?” her timid voice whispered.

“Tomorrow when you go to see your new home, will you take a picture of your bedroom and send it to me? I want to see the part that is yours!”

I was happy to see her smile and accept my request. Tomorrow will be a big day. She will begin the process of change I have experienced over and over in my 56 years. But for her this in one of the first changes she is old enough to dread. I get that. And I wanted her to know I did.

I realize that this is also one of the blessings of marriage–having someone who gets you; someone who knows when you’re facing a struggle that may seem insignificant to others, but to you it seems unbearable. Having someone to care enough to ask you to capture the change with a fresh snapshot might be all you need to push through from the past to the future.

What changes have you and your spouse been forced to embrace? How have you helped each other through the threshold of those doorways to change? Take some time to thank them for being there for you. It is a gift not to be ignored.

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Encouraging Your Spouse, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Trigger Words Of Grace (Vintage Post)

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Debi Walter

Vintage Post

I haven’t reached back into our archives to find a post worth re-posting in a while. So with our post Wednesday about Anger, I thought the following on Trigger Words would be a good follow-up.

This was first published on June 21, 2011

Mark Twain said the difference between the right word and the almost right word is “the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.”

I suppose the reverse of this could be said as well – using the wrong words when you know it’s the wrong time to use them can be as destructive as a lightning bolt.  I know.  I witnessed first hand the effects of my words.  I call them trigger words!

Case in point:

We were driving down the road, and we got to talking about some issues weighing heavily on me causing me to feel sad.  In fact, I was confessing to Tom how I felt like crying.  He made a suggestion he thought would help, but instead of seeing his honest attempt to help me, I reacted.  I completely shut him down, and silence ensued.

I hate moments like these.  As soon as the words left my mouth the temperature in the car became icy cold.  I shivered and struggled, but certainly didn’t repent.  I dug my heels in wanting to stay in this place for a while.  Why?  I honestly don’t know.  It wasn’t comfortable – it was miserable!  But I stayed in this mood until I awoke the next morning.  Or should I say the Lord woke me and began prodding my conscience.

It worked.

At 5:15a I was up and dealing with my heart.  By 7a I had made Tom his coffee, taken it to our room and apologized for the pain and distance my words had caused.  He received my words this time for they were the “right words.” 

You’ve heard it said, Them’s Fightin Words!

Yet we are oftentimes quick to draw them out of our holster when needed.  We point and shoot with the expertise of a gunslinger.

FreeStockPhotos.biz

But why?

What is the point?

Who wins?  No one does – not in a marriage.  As partners for life we’re on the same team.  Shooting off fightin’ words only kills the life of our relationship.  So why do we do it?  Because it’s easier to let ’em fly, than it is to restrain ourselves from grabbing the gun in the first place.  It takes great restraint to say “no” to the sudden impulse of striking back.

It is helpful to remember what Christ has done for us.  He used great restraint allowing the Roman government to not only cast a guilty verdict on his guiltless life, but He allowed them to take it even farther – He let them crucify Him!  He had the power to call down lightning from Heaven and put a rightful end to this unrighteous death sentence.  But He didn’t.  Why?  He was compelled by love.  Love for His Father and love for us.

FreeStockPhotos.biz

Amazing.

Considering this Truth is what helped me walk into our room and surrender my sinful heart not only to Tom, but to Christ.  These are the two men who are most devoted to me and allow me to make huge messes with my fightin words, but welcome me back time and time again.  It was Christ’s love that compelled me to repent, and Tom’s love that accepted my repentance.

This is kindness.  This is mercy.  The trigger words of grace.

How have you used trigger words in your marriage?  Are they fightin’ words or are they the words of grace? 

“When words are many, transgression is not lacking, 

but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” – Proverbs 10:9

Posted in communication, Conflict, Forgiveness, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Anger Crouching At The Door

Posted on January 27, 2016 by Debi Walter
PC: PlayBuzz

PC: PlayBuzz

Anger. It crouches at the door of marriage and seeks a way to attack.

If we’re not aware of its intent, we could be assaulted without knowing what hit us until the damage has been done.

It’s claws come in the form of words with accusations and assumptions. With them it rips apart trust and intimacy. One swipe can cause a deadly blow or cause enough pain to bring lasting damage to the relationship.

In his book, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, Tim Lane says,

“…Our words always have direction. They are going either toward life or toward death. The most destructive thing words could produce is death, so the phrase “words kill” is intended to summarize all the angry, hurtful, slanderous, selfish, bitter, divisive, and demeaning forms of talk. The phrase “words give life” summarizes all the encouraging, comforting, peaceful, up-building, grateful, unifying, and loving forms of communication. Because our words have power and direction, they always produce some kind of harvest. It will be a life harvest of comfort, encouragement, hope, insight, unity and joy, or a death harvest of fear, discouragement, falsehood, division and sadness. Words can open up the mysteries of the universe for someone. Words can crush a person’s spirit, excite, anger or stimulate love. Words have power.

As you can see – words spoken in anger are a deadly force if left unchecked.

“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are yat war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask zwrongly, to spend it on your passions.” James 4 ESV

If you find yourself angry at your spouse you have work to do. Ask yourself these questions to help determine if your anger is justified or not:

  • What is it that I want but I’m not getting?
  • Is it something my spouse promised in our wedding vows, like faithfulness, honesty or to be trustworthy?
  • Is it an inconvenience or a disagreement on how to take care of something particular to both of you?
  • Is it because of a circumstance outside of your marriage like your job, school or in-law relationships?

When our spouse fails us in some way our default is often to become angry. If they failed to do something they were asked to do, know that anger is not going to fix it. It will only muddy the waters of communication making it hard to remember what cause the fight in the first place.

If it is due to sins your spouse has committed e.g. unfaithfulness, lying or neglect, anger is understandable. However, giving full vent to it will not do a thing to help your marriage through the hardship. It helps to remember how Christ has treated us when we were yet sinners; He didn’t come to condemn but to save. That is the purpose of the marriage partnership–learning how to treat our spouse in this same way. It’s easy to write these words, but not easy to do. It will require the help that only God can provide.

You will also need to talk long and hard about the situation maybe even inviting others in to help. Full disclosure is necessary from the spouse who did the damage. Questions need to be answered and complete honesty is a requirement if trust is to be rebuilt.

If your anger is because of the influence others are having on your spouse e.g. in-laws, employers or close friends, you need to talk about your concerns and your spouse needs to hear you. If this type of communication seems impossible, again, you may need to invite others in to help your concerns be heard. There should be no other relationship more important or influential to you than your spouse.

Note to Wives: If you are telling your girlfriends things that you haven’t told your husband, you have crossed the line. Our husbands should be the first one we go to for help. If you are not comfortable telling your husband everything or you don’t feel he cares, you have more work to do in your marriage than just dealing with anger.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.

(James 1:19-21 ESV)

In what ways have your words helped or hindered your marriage?

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

#MCM – Man Crush Mondays

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Debi Walter
PC: Moody Radio

PC: Moody Radio

Every Monday social media is hit with photos of ladies showing off the man with whom they have a crush. It got me thinking about how much I still have a crush on the man I said “Yes” to 37 years ago. 🙂 Wouldn’t it be great if we could join the celebration by adding the numbers of years we’ve been married to our #MCM photos?

I invite you to join our FB page, add a photo of your husband along with the number of years you’ve been married, then, share that post on your own FB page.  It’s a tangible way to tell the world how God has blessed you with the Man you call husband.

Ready? Let’s #makemuchofmarriage365 this #MCM.

Have a great week with your man crush! 🙂 ❤ 🙂

Enjoy the way this woman is treated after 50 years with her man…

Posted in Christian Marriage, Romance in Marriage, romancing your husband, Romantic Ideas, Showing Honor | Tagged | 3 Comments

Happy Hour

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Debi Walter

happy_hour_logo_cropped2

It’s time to share with you the posts from other marriage bloggers that we believe are worth your while. Check them out this weekend and tell them we sent you!

Have a great weekend!

Calm.Healthy.Sexy

  • Five Ways To Feel Sexier This Year<<I love this post because it addresses a very important topic for women AND Gaye includes links to other excellent marriage bloggers that we respect. Your husband will thank you for taking time to work on this area of your marriage.

Hot, Holy and Humorous

The Generous Wife

  • Have I Made Myself Clear?<<I absolutely love this post! Lori provides a challenge that may just change you marriage forever. Are you willing to try?

The XY Code

  • Holy Sex<<Do the two of these words together make you uncomfortable? Paul shares his thoughts on why they shouldn’t. We agree!

To Love, Honor, And Vacuum

  • Vaginismus: 5 Things I Wish I Had Known Before My Wedding<<If you are struggling with this in your life–please, please read this post. It may provide much needed help you haven’t found. If you are engaged this post is mandatory!! Big thanks to Sheila for making this topic approachable.

 

Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Happy Hour | Tagged , , | 2 Comments