What Age Does Sex Stop In Marriage?

Posted on August 22, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: DrJanet.tv

Photo Credit: DrJanet.tv

One wouldn’t think this is such a difficult question to answer. I used to think sex ended when you got old–like in your fifties. But then, I turned 50! 😉 Now old is always 15 years older than me. I’m finally starting to realize that old is a relative term.

I’ve learned one thing through the years though, and that is that you can’t make generalizations when it comes to sex in marriage. Every marriage is different. God created us male and female with unique desires both good and bad. Sex is God’s idea. He intends for both husband and wife to enjoy their intimacy together. But sometimes there are reasons sex isn’t enjoyable, slows down or even comes to a complete halt. Here are some reasons we’ve heard about:

  • Sickness where one is left unable to have sex.
  • Paralysis
  • A season where the wife or husband no longer enjoys the act. This can be due to pain or fatigue or lack of knowledge (we’ll talk about this one tomorrow.)
  • An agreement by both to no longer have sex and to expend their energy on other things they both enjoy.

I’ll admit this last one is hard for me to understand. But there are couples who, as they get older, decide that sex isn’t as important as it once was. They’re still intimate in other ways, just without intercourse.

Tom and I have been discussing this for a few days now. We have perused our marriage blogging friends sites and haven’t found any who have chimed in on this topic–when or if sex ends in marriage as you age. (If you have written on this topic, please send us the link to add to our research!) We searched the internet and found a few interesting articles with helpful statistics:

When Sex Leaves The Marriage – along with over 1300 comments from readers.

The Older Couples Are The Less They Have Sex – this post contains some interesting graphics to see the trend according to their research.

The question we have for those in our readership who are in their 60’s, 70’s and even 80’s – did you and your spouse decide to stop having sex? If so, when and how did you come to this decision? You can comment anonymously, but please do comment! You can even e-mail us privately at theromanticvineyard [at] gmail [dot] com. We want to learn all we can about this season of marriage and what to expect, and you never know how your comment will help another marriage in the long run.

For now, we enjoy our physical intimacy. It might not happen as often as it did in our earlier years, but you might be surprised if I told you just how often it does happen, but I’m not going to do that. 😉 Suffice it to say that we are both quite satisfied with what God has done in our relationship. Can you say the same? Or do you feel as if you’ve given up? Won’t you join the conversation, to help yourself and others in the process?

Posted in Aging, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Intimacy, Seasons of Life, Sexual Intimacy | Tagged , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Caption It

Posted on August 21, 2013 by Tom and Debi

How would you caption the following photo?

sea gulls

Today we have a post featured on the Engaged Marriage blog. We encourage you to click over and read our challenge for the end of summer. It’s sure to help you and your spouse in the romance department. 🙂

Posted in Blog Love, Wordless Wednesday | Tagged , , , | 14 Comments

Turning A Deaf Ear Isn’t Love

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: Zazzle.com

I heard it again this morning. I was lamenting the fact to Tom that I’ve gained 10 pounds, and I’m having a hard time losing them. <sigh> His wise counsel to me was something I’ve heard over and over–you need to get off the computer and out exercising to boost your metabolism. I know he’s right, but something in me doesn’t want to hear it!

Why is that? Why is it when our spouse tells us something we know is right we’re tempted to disregard what they say, or worse–take offense to it?

I’m.not.going.to.do.that.this.time!

I’m in my workout clothes, I’m waiting to for my iPod to charge and then with walking shoes on, I’m going to do what he’s encouraged me to do so many times. I’m heading to Cranes Roost Park to walk a mile around the lake. Why there? Because once I start I’m committed to at least a mile because you can’t quit halfway as I’m often tempted to do.

This may seem like a little thing, but it’s not really. My husband loves me. He’s willing to tell me what I need to hear over and over again even when he knows I don’t want to hear it. And if I really love him I must, repeat with emphasis–I MUST, listen and do what I know I need to do.

What has your spouse said to you over and over again? Are they nagging or is it you’re not listening? Let’s not allow the enemy of our marriage to have victory in this seemingly little way anymore. Let’s be diligent to listen to our spouse and do what they suggest as soon as they suggest it. Oftentimes we hear them, but we are unwilling to stop what we’re doing to do what they’ve asked us to do. Could this be selfishness on display? It could be a subtle way to say, “I’ll do it, but on my terms not yours.”

Here are a few common requests we may have developed a deaf ear towards hearing our spouse say:

  • Did you take your vitamins?
  • Have you thrown the garbage?
  • Have you done the laundry yet?
  • What book have you decided to read?
  • Did you have your quiet time today?
  • Did you make that phone call?
  • Have you made an appt. for your annual check-up to the doctor? dentist?

As you can see these are questions about the mundane details of everyday living. Our spouse knows us better than anyone else. They also know how to push our buttons making huge arguments over little annoyances like those listed above. Why not stop the stress by just doing the thing you know you should do, or doing that which you’ve said you’d do before, but you keep putting it off?

Ok, enough writing. I have some walking to do–even on this hot Florida day. I can’t wait to hear how God helps you finally do what your spouse has been bugging you to do all along. Please add your comments so I know I’m not alone in this challenge. 🙂

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Encouraging Your Spouse, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

This May Be The Most Important Thing You Can Do For Your Spouse

Posted on August 19, 2013 by Debi Walter

Screen shot 2013-08-18 at 4.16.27 PM

I was touched recently by the tradition of Jerry Orbach to his wife, Elaine. You may remember him from his acting career on Law & Order for 13 years. Elaine will remember him as a faithful husband who never failed daily to tell her what she meant to him. Every morning he wrote her a 4 – 5 line poem expressing his love for her and placed it next to her coffee cup before he left for the day. And each morning after she read it she placed it in a soup tureen in the kitchen. When Jerry passed away in 2004 those little poems represented more to her than anything else he could have given her.

She took the notes and compiled them into a book titled, Remember How I Love You: Love Letters From An Extraordinary Marriage. She died in 2009 shortly after the book was published. Following is what she said on the back cover of the book:

Screen shot 2013-08-18 at 4.24.33 PM

What a legacy this man provided for his wife and all who knew him. He loved her and his actions proved it. May we all be inspired to make the most of the little ways we are able to express our love. When it’s all said and done we may just realize that these little things were the most important of all.

You can purchase the book on Amazon by clicking here.

Posted in Encouraging Your Spouse, Growing Strong Marriages, Romance in Marriage, romancing your wife, Testimonies | 5 Comments

My Spouse Has Little Or No Desire For Sex

Posted on August 16, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net by David Castillo Dominici

Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net by David Castillo Dominici

In our culture, with all the emphasis on sex, you wouldn’t think this is as big of an issue as it actually is. Yet no one wants to talk about it. Except, of course, for the spouse who is having to beg for sexual intimacy with their low drive spouse. It is very difficult and embarrassing for the both partners. Add to that the hurt feelings and misunderstandings that often accompany the tension these marriages are heading for disaster. Unless something happens.

Tom has always said that our sexual relationship isn’t the most important aspect of US, but it is a barometer that reveals how our marriage is doing. If you and your spouse are struggling in regards to physical intimacy, whether it’s lack of time, fatigue, desire or any number of other reasons, please know that you both have work to do. And it’s for the good of your marriage. The good news is there is much help available.

We are part of a larger community of marriage bloggers called CMBA (Christian Marriage Bloggers Association). Many of these bloggers have become our dear and trusted friends. They have been writing excellent posts about all sorts of things regarding sexual intimacy in marriage. As a result, we want to recommend a directory of posts that you can scroll through to see if there are any posts that speak to your particular challenge. If you don’t see what you’re looking for, please e-mail us (if you’d like to stay private) or comment requesting information about your particular topic.

God created marriage. Sex was His idea. We don’t want to make it more than it’s intended to be, but we don’t want to sideline it either. Finding the balance where you and your spouse can express your uninhibited love with each other in this way, does more to strengthen your vows to stay committed for a lifetime than anything else can. No one else can meet your spouse’s sexual needs. No one else is able to encourage them to such a depth. What a privilege that we have been chosen to love our spouse in such a way.

Let’s not let the enemy of marriage find a single victory in our relationships.

DIRECTORY OF CMBA POSTS ON SEXUAL DIFFICULTY IN MARRIAGE

Wife who feels unloved

Husband who feels unloved

Low drive husband, high drive wife

Low drive wife, high drive husband

Topics About Sex You May Have Trouble Talking About

Some Causes Of Low Or No Desire For Sex

  • Parasites To Marriage, by Marriage Missions International
  • Forbidden Fruit, by Marriage Missions International (be sure to click on the links mentioned as well.)
  • Porn, by The Generous Husband (this one is a combination of a series of posts on the subject of Pornography and the harmful effects it has on marriage. Make sure you read it in its entirety to understand everything Paul is saying. He offers addendums to clarify.)

What topics would you like to see added to this Directory?

Posted in Aging, Blog Love, Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Newlyweds, Seasons of Life, Sexual Intimacy, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Men On Pause

Posted on August 15, 2013 by Debi Walter
Graphic Credit: anti-aging blog

Graphic Credit: anti-aging blog

Years ago our pastor jokingly referred to menopause as “Men On Pause.” I thought he was kidding at the very best, or I hoped he was exaggerating at the very least. Turns out he was quite right. <sigh>

Based on the number of comments we’ve received about our “When Your Sex Drive Putters Out” post, we think we need to keep this under-discussed topic going. We would love to hear from those who are facing issues and need advice, help, or someone to simply tell them they aren’t alone–you know you can always comment anonymously. We may not have the specific answers you need, but we can find the answers together.

We realize the sensitive nature of this topic.

I’m not sure why it is sensitive, but many women and men who are dealing with similar issues don’t want to talk about it. In fact, honestly Tom has faced some challenges, and when I mentioned posting about it he hesitated. When I asked why, he said he just didn’t know if it was necessary. I shared with him that telling the world about my struggle was hard–I even had trouble sleeping the night before because I wasn’t sure it I wanted to put myself out there like that. He realized that if us talking about such things helps one couple who wouldn’t get help otherwise then it’s worth the risk. He gave me the green light to discuss US as much as needed.

Today we want to identify some of the most common struggles older couples face. And then, post about them as the Lord gives help and insight.

Here are some symptoms a woman might have to clue you in menopause or peri-menopause is lurking at your door:

  • teariness
  • tingling muscles
  • aching shoulders
  • racing heart
  • insomnia
  • anxiety
  • forgetfulness
  • vaginal dryness (causing painful intercourse)
  • irritability
  • low libido
  • questions concerning purpose in life
  • fatigued
  • hot flashes/night sweats

Today’s Christian Woman has an excellent article to help identify 6 steps crucial to adjusting and even embracing the Big M. I highly encourage reading it for more information.

For men, their symptoms may include:

  • lack of focus
  • low libido
  • fatigue
  • weakness
  • depression
  • erectile dysfunction

Do any of these symptoms describe you or your spouse? Are they affecting your marriage in adverse ways? Have you talked with anyone about it, or have you both been suffering alone?

May we encourage you to seek help? There are many medical doctors who regularly work with patients in this season of life. It isn’t something to be hidden or ignored. It won’t go away, and your marriage will suffer in one way or another if you push it aside.

For now we only what to stir the pot and see who among us is struggling.

If you are, no one need tell you. You’ve most likely been saying “that’s me!” while reading this entire post. To help you feel more comfortable responding, we’ve created a Menopause Survey in order to see where you are in regards to this topic. We’d appreciate you all taking the time to fill it out completely and honestly.

Click the following link to access the survey. Thank you for helping us zoom in on this topic.

Men On Pause Survey for The Romantic Vineyard

 

Posted in Aging, Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Growing Strong Marriages, Seasons of Life, Sexual Intimacy | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Wordless Wednesday

Posted on August 14, 2013 by Tom Walter
freedigitalphotos.net by Ambro

Comment with your caption for this photo…

[www.freedigitalphotos.net by Ambro]

Posted in Christian Marriage, Husbands, Romance in Marriage, romancing your wife, Wordless Wednesday | Tagged , , | 8 Comments

What To Do When You’re Not In The Mood

Posted on August 13, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: parentpathway.com

Photo Credit: parentpathway.com

Everyone at some point or another in marriage will face times where you just don’t feel like making love. But what happens when this happens and your spouse really, really wants to?

There are several options. But first it’s important for both husband and wife to posture themselves in the right way. Many arguments and much more tension can be avoided if you both simply prepare ahead of time how you’ll respond in times like these.

Here’s A Scenario:

You’ve had an incredibly busy day and your brain has hardly had a chance to breathe. After eating dinner and getting the kids to bed all you can think of is dropping into bed yourself…when your spouse comes and gives you that knowing look and begins to caress your body.

Here are your response options:

#1

Roll your eyes and do everything you can to not respond to their initiative. When they look at you, make sure you’re yawning. When they advance, retreat. Talk about how bad you feel, how tired you are, and hope they get the hint.

#2

Tell your spouse honestly how difficult your day has been. But pray for God to help you love your spouse in your weakness. Make yourself available to them even though you don’t feel up to it, trusting God to answer your prayer. Now, a spouse who is sensitive will most likely say they understand and let you have your rest. But sometimes the urge is just too strong for them to ignore. True love is willing to make love even when it’s not the best time for you. Seeking to please your spouse is the kind of sacrificial love the Bible encourages. It’s hard when one spouse is being giving and the other is being selfish and demanding, but in these rare cases, we believe God hears the cries of the tired spouse and will help them do what they can’t do in their own strength. And usually once you get started, your mood will change if you haven’t allowed bitterness or anger to get in the way.

All marriages face seasons like these when making love just isn’t going the way you thought it would. It’s not romantic–it’s more like a chore on the to-do list, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a chore worth going after.

How do you handle times when your spouse is pursuing and you’re just not feeling it? What can you plan to do next time this happens to be the best spouse you can be?

Posted in Christian Marriage, Conflict, Growing Strong Marriages, Intimacy, Seasons of Life, Sexual Intimacy, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

When Your Sex Drive Putters Out

Posted on August 12, 2013 by Debi Walter

Last week I pulled back the curtain, and I’m compelled to do the same with this post, but it is a lot more personal. However, I can’t shake the importance of this topic, so here goes…

beach

A few months ago Tom and I were at the beach, and I felt it was a good opportunity to talk with him about something that was really bothering me. First, let me say that we have a very strong relationship that covers all aspects of marriage–spiritual, emotional and physical. I’ve never struggled with PMS in our 34 years of marriage, so when I hit post-menopause and all my desire for sex went out the window, I was surprised…

But I didn’t care!

I knew I had changed. Tom knew I had changed. But we hadn’t taken the time to really talk about it.

While sitting on the sand with the waves crashing on the shore I opened my heart to Tom. I wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t already know. Our physical relationship had been a strain for a few months. Tom is patient. He tries to understand me. And he always listens. But this time, it was a bit too much for him to hear. I shared how I really had no desire for sex. I didn’t like this fact, but I didn’t know what to do.

He was extremely quiet. The kind that was reminiscent of our earlier years where we would give each other the cold shoulder.

It was not a good place to be, and we both knew it. I gave him time. He needed to think. This topic hit on a level that strikes so many areas of marriage that it’s a mine field no matter how strong the relationship is. Our conversation pretty much ruined the day.

But it was necessary. How often do we avoid these conversations because of the tension we know it will cause? To ignore it wasn’t an option because the longer we put it off, the deeper the struggle would be.

In the weeks that followed, I went to our doctor and discovered my hormone levels were way off. No wonder I had no drive. Thankfully he was able to help, and I was hopeful things would change. And change they did! 🙂

Tom and I are both grateful and much more sympathetic to those who struggle in this area on a regular basis. We ended up talking again about “that day” and how hard it was for me to share my heart with him. And how much harder it was for me when he pulled away from me. He apologized, and we resolved the issue.

Now that I feel a bit more normal I’ve been tuned in to conversations when I hear other women talking. One in particular struck me with an all too familiar ring. I heard things like…

  • “I can take it or leave it.”
  • “I’m glad it’s not such a driving force in our marriage anymore.”
  • “He doesn’t want it like he used to, and I am so relieved.”
  • “We can finally relax and enjoy a more peaceful marriage.”

I wasn’t sure how to process these comments. Is this the norm for marriage as we get older? Did God intend for sex to wane, so we can relax without all that effort?

After what we’ve been through–I hope not. Sex is God’s gift to a husband and wife. It’s a way of connecting heart to heart that doesn’t happen between anyone else but the two of us. It is intimate. It is communicating our love on a deeper level than any other way can possibly do.

Sex is celebrating the one flesh nature unique to marriage alone, and it glorifies God.

Sure, there may be a day when we can no longer make love. There may be sickness or separation that makes it impossible. There may be any number of other reasons that it will wane. But as long as we are able, I pray that God will continue to make us both willing partners.

What about you? Have you experienced low libido? If so, have you talked together about it? We encourage you to take that leap and begin the conversation. Let nothing cause a wedge in your relationship–and silence can be the biggest wedge of all! We know this first hand, and it’s the loneliest place to be in marriage. Don’t allow this to fester in your relationship. Do the hard work. Talk!

“Come grow old with me, the best is yet to be,” is a popular saying many couples quote when they’re starting out as husband and wife. May this be true no matter how many years we have behind us.

Posted in Aging, Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Intimacy, Seasons of Life, Sexual Intimacy, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 48 Comments

Happy Hour

Posted on August 9, 2013 by Debi Walter

happy_hour_logo_cropped2

Hard to believe it’s time for our Specials of the Week already. And this week we’re sharing several posts because we just couldn’t choose one blog to highlight. Take some time this weekend reading, gleaning and enjoying your marriage!

Intimacy In Marriage

Journey To Surrender

One Flesh Marriage

The Generous Wife

  • Movie Night Dare – < I love this! It’s actually the idea of another marriage website I hadn’t heard of before. Thanks, Lori, for always introducing us to new sites worth following! Check out the source below…

CWives (stands for Christian Wives) This site is committed to helping wives be the initiators of great sex. If you’re rolling your eyes–please, don’t disregard this important aspect of your role as helper to your husband. Check out each link below and allow the Lord to infuse faith, if your sexual relationship is lacking.

  • 324 Club – you’ll have to read to see how to get your “secret code” name listed on the Hall of Fame board.
  • Dare of the Month – sign up to receive a fun, stretch-yourself-a-bit dare each month that usually have a couple of levels. You can choose to go easy or like I said, stretch yourself a bit. 😉
  • Blog – sign up to receive it via your e-mail, so you don’t miss a single encouragement.
Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Date Night Ideas, Forgiveness, Growing Strong Marriages, Happy Hour, Intimacy, Sexual Intimacy, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Happy Hour

I Will See You Again

Posted on August 9, 2013 by Debi Walter

kids camp

I have had quite an emotional week. Tom was away on a missions trip to Nassau doing a music camp for kids.  It was so good for him to be a part of the team, loving the kids and serving the local church there.

But.I.Missed.Him.

P.J.

Last week my nephew became a marine, graduating from Parris Island, S.C. as a Private. We hadn’t seen him in 3 months, and my how he had changed. There were many moments I caught with my camera of my sister basking in her love and admiration for this young man who calls her “Mom.” We were all so proud of him and thrilled to be together to celebrate as a family.

We.are.so.proud.of.him

Then, I had a moment where I was working on my next book, when I needed to ask my Mom a question, but she’s no longer here. I fought the tears only to discover she anticipated my need in a very special way. You can read about it here.

I.miss.her.so.much

Why am I sharing all of this with you? Because this is the stuff marriage is made of. We have lonely times, happy times and grieving times. Knowing that there is someone to walk this road with you no matter what life brings your way, helps the load not be so heavy to bear. What a privilege to simply wrap your arms around each other in a long embrace…

When.there.are.no.words.

Carrie Underwood has a new song out titled, See You Again. I want to dedicate it to all those couples who are separated from their spouse for one reason or another. If your separation is due to military service, we want to say a very special thank you. We realize what a sacrifice you’re making everyday, and that you will never get the days back that you have been forced to spend apart. Our prayer is that God returns to you a hundred fold when you see each other again. This song truly says it all!

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Music, Seasons of Life, Showing Honor, Thankfulness | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments

Confronting Confrontation

Posted on August 8, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: Gaspar and Michele blog

Photo Credit: Gaspar and Michele blog

Such a harsh word, don’t you think? Con.fron.ta.tion. It sounds like it wants to pick a fight! And oftentimes it does in many marriages.

But.what.if.we.were.to.think.differently?

What if the next time our spouse mentions something in which they believe we need to change, we were to go to work seeking God’s help to change in that very area? What if we were to give as much attention to our own weaknesses as we are tempted to pay attention to our spouse’s? Maybe this is the key to lasting change, going after the log in our own eye.

I ask you, is there an area in your life that your spouse constantly brings up? Are you tempted to tune them out because you’ve heard it before? Why do we do this? If we are committed to grow our marriage for God’s glory, then we mustn’t shove issues under the rug of ignore. This doesn’t communicate the kind of love we vowed to each other on our wedding day.

  • True love listens.
  • True love pursues personal growth for the good of the marriage.
  • True love seeks to be the best spouse they can be, which means doing the hard things.

If you were to walk into my home today, you might get the impression that my home is organized and clean. However, if you opened the door to my linen closet you would find out otherwise. I have needed to take everything out, sort through what I need and get rid of what I don’t, but I put it off. A linen closet seems like such a little thing, and who sees it anyway?

Ah! There in lies the key! God sees our linen closets. We are to do all of our work as unto Him–the all-seeing God who cares for us. But if I’m willing to ignore messy closets because no one sees them, I realize I have a wrong motivation. If I’m only doing things to look good before others, then I’m no better than the Pharisees of the New Testament.

Our marriage has linens closets, so to speak. Areas that we know need attention, yet we never seem to want to deal with them. It doesn’t seem necessary because who else sees or knows, except of course for the one to whom we’ve committed to love and cherish for as long as we both shall live. I realize this post can sound “in your face.” That’s not my intention. In the same way going to a dentist for help with a toothache can seem more painful when you’re actually getting the help you need. Don’t let comfort be what leads your decisions.

Let conviction be the driving force for change.

It may feel like an “in your face” post, but so did my friend to me who suggested I might be angry with God, not “disappointed,” as I had falsely labeled it. When we hit the snooze button on our spouse’s observations we are slowly hardening our heart towards God.

We never realize this hardening is taking place, and as we ignore our spouse, we tempt them to grow in bitterness. If this describes your marriage, won’t you take my challenge and respond differently? Open the messy closets and take all the issues out. Get rid of what’s false, and refold the truth. And then when others marvel at how nice your marriage looks, you’ll be able to share with them the Truth–Good marriages don’t just happen. It takes two people humbly realizing their need to grow and change, and their need for God to make it not only happen, but to bring about the change that will last.

In what ways are you tempted to ignore your spouse? Is your linen closet in need of a thorough clean-out? Will you take some time to pray about this post and talk about it with your spouse? We encourage you to do so, and let us know how it goes.

Click the picture at the top of this post for simple steps to help you confront your spouse in a Biblical way.

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Forgiveness, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , , , , | Comments Off on Confronting Confrontation

Time To Pull Back The Curtain

Posted on August 7, 2013 by Debi Walter

Two Cups Of Coffee

Today I want to continue our conversation over a cup of coffee. You see, there are things that God has recently taken me through that I believe will help those of you who may be facing a similar challenge in your marriage. I want to pull back the curtain, so to speak, on my personal life in an effort to help others. I’m praying that as you read what I have to say you will feel the gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit revealing areas where my experience might resonate with yours.

It all started two years ago when our daughter moved to Georgia.

It was after helping them that I noticed unusual pain in both feet. My podiatrist diagnosed it as Morton’s neuroma, a benign tumor of sorts made up of a cluster of nerves. Without going into all the details, my foot pain only worsened. And there wasn’t anything the doctors could do to relieve it.

Photo Credit: sodahead.com

Photo Credit: sodahead.com

I could no longer go barefoot.

Being a Florida girl, the thought of never being able to go barefoot, even in my own home was very sad. I cried often at the things I could no longer do. Even walks around the block or on the beach with Tom were out of the question because even with shoes on, the pain was too much.

One day in my quiet time I sensed the Lord say that my feet were a physical manifestation of what was going on in my heart. Every step I took hurt, and every thing I had recently gone through in my life hurt as well. I was impressed that Christ was willing to endure great pain for my salvation. If He had called me to suffer pain in my feet as a way to glorify Him, I wanted to be able to do that. Yet I wanted my feet to be healed.

In March I had a friend over for coffee. We had a great time, and I enjoyed hearing her passion for what God was currently doing in her life. Then she asked me how my feet were doing. I was honest and told her not so good. She asked if I remembered when my pain began. I said it was when my daughter moved to Georgia. She asked more probing questions suggesting I might be angry with God over all the changes I had been through over the past few years, including her move.

I didn’t think I was angry with God.

I had often said how disappointed I was with so many things, but never saw it as anger. My friend looked me right in the eyes and said she could see the pain whenever I talked about it.

She prayed for me and then we parted. I sat down on the couch and began making a list of all the things in my life that I had classified as “disappointments.” I was surprised at how fast I was able to come up with a long list. And each one brought tears to my eyes. By the time I had finished writing, I was weeping! I knew the Lord was asking me to give them all to Him.

I asked God if I had been angry with Him, and I started to cry from deep inside.

It was the good kind of cry where you know the release is doing something good. I continued to allow the Holy Spirit to lead me to Scriptures, and worship songs. I told Him I could live with foot pain if it was His will, but to please not let my foot pain be a result of unconfessed sin in my heart. I repented of anger, jealousy, doubt, fear and not trusting Him. You must know that all my disappointments only began with our daughter’s move. There was much more disappointment in my heart concerning all kinds of changes we had experienced over the past few years.

I ended up being on the couch for over 4 hours. When I got up my feet felt different. A joy come over me that I can’t explain. That night I repented to Tom for the way my sin had affected our relationship. I repented specifically for all the ways I knew the past two years had put a strain on our marriage. He forgave me. What a wonderful gift it is to be granted forgiveness.

God in His mercy allowed me to see into my heart by using the rebuke of a friend and it wasn’t pretty, but it was so good. He provided the real surgery I needed, and it wasn’t in my feet but in my heart.

Today my feet are continuing to get better. I’ve even had days with no pain at all, which is nothing less than a miracle!

I can’t thank my friend enough for being a true friend to me, one who was willing to risk offending me by telling me the Truth I needed to hear, thus allowing God to do what He was wanting to do all along.

In what ways are you tempted to be angry with God? Has life seemed unfair leading you to great disappointment? If I could, I would look you in the eyes and tell you how much your Heavenly Father wants to set you free from your disappointments. Won’t you let Him have His way in your heart today?

Posted in Difficulty, Forgiveness, Prayer, Seasons of Life, Testimonies | Tagged , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Let’s Share An Afternoon Of Coffee And Conversation

Posted on August 6, 2013 by Debi Walter
Image courtesy of Nuchylee /FreeDigitalImages.net

Image courtesy of Nuchylee /FreeDigitalImages.net

If we could plan to meet for coffee one afternoon, I’m sure we would talk about normal everyday kinds of things. But there would be a moment when the conversation turned to the more personal side, where I would share heart to heart what is currently going on in  my life.  There would be tears of sadness, followed by tears of gratefulness, but always the main point of the communication would be biblical fellowship. What is that, you might ask? It’s when two Christians (friends or spouses) sit down and talk about life in light of eternity. It’s talking about the things that matter most in the midst of the mundane, and attempting to make sense of it all using the infallible words of Scripture as the framework.

So, grab a cup and let me share with you what’s on my heart and mind lately. I pray we’ll find biblical fellowship together and both be encouraged as a result. I’d love to hear your comments as well! The following was first posted at debigraywalter.com on my birthday.

♥

Last  month I turned 54. 54! How did that happen? I know, I know, the answer is simple–one year at a time. But wow.

This was my first birthday without my Mom and Dad (He died in 2004), who were used by God to give me life in July of 1959. My Dad led me down the aisle of our little baptist church in 1969. It is strange to no longer have parents here, but they’re not gone. They’ve just relocated to a better place. And because of God’s gift of salvation to me on December 19, 1969, I will see them again. Until that day I am resolved to live out the rest of my years in glorifying the One True God who gives life to all who call on His name and choose to follow Him.

Jonathan Edwards was considered to be one of the greatest American philosopher/theologians of his time and was a key figure in what has become known as The Great Awakening of the 18th century. He has been quoted as saying:

“Resolved, that I will live so, as I shall wish I had done when I come to die.”

The Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman trial has received unbelievable media coverage this past month. We live only a few minutes from Sanford, FL. so it was with great interest that we stayed up with the trial. When that February night occurred in 2012, neither Trayvon nor George knew that their lives were going to be permanently changed as a result of the choices they made. My point isn’t to discuss which side was right/wrong, for both lost in my opinion. But their case stands as a stark reminder of Mr. Edwards quote. I ask myself,

  • Am I living today as if it were my last?
  • What do I want to be known for?
  • If my epitaph was to be written tomorrow, what would it say?
  • Better yet, what would I want it to say?

I heard someone suggest that we take time to write the epitaph we would want written about us today. Then, make our choices based on that goal. Of course, even those who have the best intentions can’t always guarantee their life will play out as planned. This is why my epitaph should reflect God’s work in my life and not my own plans.

Photo Credit: Josh Martin Ink blog

Photo Credit: Josh Martin Ink blog

Some of my favorite epitaphs include:

George Washington

Looking into the portals of eternity teaches that the brotherhood of man is inspired by God’s Word; then all prejudice of race vanishes away.

Benjamin Franklin

The body of Benjamin Franklin, printer (like the cover of an old book, its contents worn out, and stript of its lettering and gilding) lies here, food for worms. Yet the work itself shall not be lost, for it will, as he believed, appear once more in a new and more beautiful edition, corrected and amended by its Author.

Evangelist Billy Sunday

“I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith, henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness.” – 2 Timothy 4:7

Wife and Mother, Frances Lowe – died November 28, 1877

A loving mother and devoted wife has gone to her rest, and the light has gone out in the happy home. Graces with those rare virtues which are peculiar only to her sex, the deceased was all the wife and mother could be. Her sorrowing husband to whom she had been a faithful and loving companion for so many happy years, now that she is gone will cherish her memory and children whom she has tenderly reared will arise up and call her blessed.

John T. Whitehead – died September 11, 1860

In All Life’s Relations He Exemplified The Virtues Of The Christian And Gentleman, And Won The Love Of All. He Was Beloved By His Family, Cheerful In Company, Conscientious In Spirit, Successful In Business, Patient In Affliction, And Victorious In Death. The Love Of This Community Claimed A Longer Stay, But Higher Attraction Prevailed, Earth Yielded, And Heaven Bore Away The Prize. The Key To His Most Triumphant Death Is Found In His Dying Request, To Be Put Upon His Tomb, “I Am A Man Of Prayer.”

(source for some epitaphs: Southern Graves blog)

After taking the last delicious sip of my latte, I would look in your eyes and ask, so what about you? What’s going on in your life and how can I pray for you? What would you want your epitaph to say?

Posted in Aging, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Seasons of Life, Thankfulness | Tagged , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Keeping Our Final Destination In View

Posted on August 5, 2013 by Debi Walter

plane

Paul David Tripp is one of our favorite author/speaker/teachers of all time. His latest post speaks to the reason we find ourselves disappointed, disheartened, and disillusioned when it comes to all aspects of life, including marriage. He makes seven points that we’ve listed below. We hope you’ll click over to his website to read what he has to say about each one, and we pray it will lift your eyes to where God had intended for them to be all along.

God bless you richly!

Mr. Tripp says…

Life is a struggle. The Lord, in His wisdom, has left us in a fallen world. But perhaps our struggles are not primarily about the brokenness that surrounds us. Could it be there is something we bring to each of these struggles that makes them harder to bear?

There is something often overlooked that has the power to alter the way you experience your life in this fallen world. If you’re going to stay sane, thankful, motivated, and hopeful, you must live with your final destination in view. Only here will you be protected by the right values, balanced by proper expectations, and motivated by sturdy hope. Consider seven effects that functional eternity amnesia can have on your everyday life:

1. LIVING WITH UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

2. FOCUSING TOO MUCH ON SELF

3. ASKING TOO MUCH OF PEOPLE

4. BEING CONTROLLING OR FEARFUL

5. QUESTIONING THE GOODNESS OF GOD

6. LIVING MORE DISAPPOINTED THAN THANKFUL

7. LACKING MOTIVATION AND HOPE

Click here to read his entire post.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities, The Gospel & Marriage | 2 Comments

Happy Hour

Posted on August 2, 2013 by Debi Walter

happy_hour_logo_cropped2

This week’s Happy Hour special comes from a blog I just discovered. The writer, Lisa-Jo Baker, knows how to tell a story so well that you won’t want the post to end.

This particular one is the perfect follow-up to our post this past week on Honoring Your Spouse On Facebook.. Lisa-Jo not only honors her husband, but she perfectly demonstrates how a husband can care for his wife day-in and day-out and all through the night. We pray this post will challenge us all to love this way!

___________________________________________

Screen shot 2013-07-30 at 11.35.35 AMScreen shot 2013-07-30 at 11.37.28 AM

“My love life will never be satisfactory until someone runs through an airport to stop me from getting on a flight.” ~Teenager post of the week via the Huffington Post.

He drove us all home 18 hours over two days.

Three kids and hundreds of miles and potty breaks and princess pull-ups, the car covered in the markers I’d bought for window art. Turns out the soft beige ceiling of a mini van makes a perfect canvas. Rainbow swirls color the door panels and there are goldfish crackers crushed so deep into the seats that they will likely be there come next summer and this same road trip all the way to Northern Michigan and the lake that his family have been coming to for decades.

He’s never run through an airport for me.

Three times he’s held my hands, my shaking legs, my head, my heart as I’ve bared down and groaned a baby into being. He has run for ice chips and doctors and night shifts and laid himself low to help me hold on through the hard rock and roll and push and pull of labor and I’ve never drowned holding onto his hand.

There is a rumor, an urban myth, a fiction, a fantasy, a black and white screen cliché that love looks like the mad, romantic dash through airports for a last chance at a flailing kiss.

And then the credits roll.

And the lights come on.

And we must go back to our real lives where we forget that love really lives.

– Finish reading at: http://lisajobaker.com/2013/07/when-you-think-your-love-story-is-boring/#sthash.V7V3tZ3h.dpuf

Posted in A Fragrant Aroma, A Marriage Flight, Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Encouraging Your Spouse, Growing Strong Marriages, Happy Hour, Parenting, Seasons of Life, Showing Honor | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Happy Hour

Plan Now For A Special Labor Day

Posted on August 2, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: http://sp.ask.com

Photo Credit: http://sp.ask.com

Labor Day is only a month away. This day is a time to celebrate the value of work, the reward or rest and the honor it brings. This year let’s not only celebrate the gift it is to have a job and work hard, but let’s allow the truth found in the short movie below inspire our commitment to work hard making our marriage everything God intends it to be.

Why not plan to have a few married couples over to celebrate the holiday? Let them bring their children and spend time together celebrating the gift of marriage!

Or choose some ideas from our Only Husbands and Only Wives drop down menu above. Click on the Romantic Labor Day Ideas. Make the most of every holiday by adding some romance! 🙂

Posted in Holidays, Labor Day | 4 Comments

25+ Ways To Bless Your Spouse When You’re Expecting

Posted on August 1, 2013 by Tom and Debi

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There is nothing that changes the dynamic of your marriage so quickly as hearing these two words: We’re pregnant!

Within days the morning sickness (or all day sickness, in some cases) kicks in and the wife is taken out of her normal routine leaving the rest of the family to fend for themselves. This is a great opportunity for husbands to lay down their lives for their wife and their other children, but it isn’t easy. Self-sacrifice always comes at a cost, but realizing this before you get there will help you keep your thoughts focused on what’s of most importance–loving your wife as Christ has loved you. And wives this isn’t the time to dismiss yourself completely either; God desires to still use you in your weakness to love, bless and serve your family.

What does it look like to love your wife during this season?

What does it look like to honor and love your husband when you feel so horrible?

We’ve asked several expectant moms and have also drawn from our own experience to come up with a list of 25 practical ways to love your spouse during pregnancy. Some of these will apply only to the husband. Some will apply to only the wife, but many will apply to both.

Read them and allow the Holy Spirit to help prepare your heart and mind for this season, if you haven’t experienced it already. 

  1. Smells are often the first thing to nauseate women. Do what you can to keep her from having to smell unpleasant things.
  2. Keep the garbage in the can outside with the lid on.
  3. Be willing to change diapers whenever you’re home.
  4. Be there. Now is not the time to take on new projects at work. You have a new project and it’s helping your wife as she carries your next child to a healthy birth.
  5. Order take out when your wife simply can’t bear the thought or smell of cooking.
  6. Cook on the grill and set the table to eat outside.
  7. Prefer your spouse over your own feelings. Be mindful to love them more than you love yourself.
  8. Speak words of kindness and gratefulness for the things they are doing to bless you.
  9. Pray for your spouse on a daily basis, and do it together so they can hear their heart for you.
  10. As much as possible give them space. Allow for a night to do what they want to do after the kids are in bed.
  11. Ask questions to draw them out in regards to how they’re doing. And when asked be open, honest and kind. This isn’t the time to dump, but to help your spouse understand your perspective and the challenges you’re facing.
  12. Avoid being overly sensitive.
  13. Eat well and stay hydrated.
  14. Go together to doctor appointments as much as possible. It’s important to remember you’re both expecting and both of you being present at such appointments is a great reminder of your support for each other.
  15. Surprise your spouse in unexpected ways, using their love language.
  16. Dream about your new baby and what he/she will look like.
  17. Talk about names and their meaning.
  18. Don’t take things personally when your spouse says something that hurts. Instead talk about it. Resolve hurts quickly.
  19. Ask your spouse what you can do that will bless them on this day. Don’t assume that what you think is a blessing, is a blessing. The only way to know is to ask.
  20. Be faithful to do the things that you say you’ll do. Having to be reminded doesn’t bless your spouse.
  21. Empathize. This means to put yourself in your spouse’s place. How would you feel if you were going through what they are? This thought will help you serve them with the right mindset.
  22. Don’t expect your spouse to make much of the things you’re doing for them. Let your work be as unto the Lord. He notices when you humbly lay down your life for another, for this is reflecting His character in your marriage.
  23. Avoid having a pity party. No one likes to be around someone who is feeling sorry for themselves. How do you do this? By taking captive every thought during your pregnancy. Each morning realize your need for the Holy Spirit and He will provide fresh mercy.
  24. As your baby (the fruit of your love) grows, purpose to grow in the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. There are 9 fruits of the Spirit and 9 months of pregnancy. Why not do a personal study on one each month?
  25. Don’t neglect your relationship with your Heavenly Father. He cares for you and there is no one like Him who can come alongside you in your weakness. He is giving you a gift, and let this gift be used by God to change you in the process.
  26. Allow your wife to take naps as needed. Maybe even take one with her on days off.
  27. What would you add to this list? Please comment…

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
    the fruit of the womb a reward.                                           – Psalm 127:3 (ESV)

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Diapers, Toddlers & Romance, Oh My, Encouraging Your Spouse, Growing Strong Marriages, Husbands, Newlyweds, Parenting, Priorities, Roles In Marriage, Seasons of Life, Showing Honor, The Gospel & Marriage, Wives | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Beware Of These 6 Little Foxes

Posted on July 31, 2013 by Debi Walter
Art by Carl Brenders

Art by Carl Brenders

Marriage is a privilege, a gift from God that allows us to reflect the love Christ has for the church.

In our culture oftentimes the most important part of getting married is the wedding itself! Imagine if a vineyard owner spent all his time, attention and money on setting up a great vineyard only to neglect the vines after they’re in the ground? It would be foolish and a wasted investment.

Yet many marriages give more thought to the wedding than they do to the marriage.

In Song of Solomon it says:

“Catch the foxes for us,

                        the little foxes

            that spoil the vineyards,

                        for our vineyards are in blossom.”

                               (Song of Solomon 2:15 ESV)

A fox doesn’t come and only eat the fruit of the vine–they do much more damage. They like to gnaw on the trunk, dig holes around it and expose the roots. They don’t simply eat the grapes, they like to destroy the entire vine!

So the question begs itself–What foxes are chewing on your marriage vine?

  • Fox #1: Unresolved conflict–this includes unforgiveness.
  • Fox #2: Uncharitable judgments–not thinking the best, but assuming the worst.
  • Fox #3: Neglect
  • Fox #4: All work and no play
  • Fox #5: Idols of the heart–video games, shopping, children, addicted to work, selfishness, pleasure, etc.
  • Fox #6: Lack of purpose

All of the above can cause lasting damage to the marriage if they aren’t caught and dealt with quickly. So how do we trap these little foxes? How do we recognize them in our own marriage?

We have found that the best way to assess the health of our marriage is to examine how we’re relating to each other.

  • If there is tension or short responses to each other then there is most likely a fox of unresolved conflict lurking around.
  • If you are quick to judge your spouse’s motives as to why they did or didn’t do something before asking them why, then there may be a fox of unforgiveness chewing at your heart.
  • If you have not been purposeful in setting aside time alone together either at home, or on regular date nights, then you should look more closely for the fox of neglect.
  • Maybe you find your mind constantly going to your job, even when you’re “off”, and it keeps you from being totally “there” for your spouse. You don’t look at them when they speak and you only listen to them halfway. This could be the fox of all work and no play.
  • The fox of idols of the heart can be much more difficult to catch. This is because our idols are the things that have not only caught our attention, but our affection. To discover them we must examine where our thoughts go when we have nothing else to think about? Or what do I want to do more than anything else with my free time? Just because we desire to do something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s an idol, but it could be. The only way to know for sure is to ask God to help you discover this little fox. He will be faithful to help you see it.
  • The last fox is lack of purpose. He loves to get us to fall asleep in the vineyard, so he can work his damage on the vine. This is why we love this Hot Summer Nights event. If it helps a husband or wife take notice of their marriage in a fresh way, it will do more to chase away the little foxes than anything else can. And it’s fun!

What foxes have you discovered today prowling about your marriage vineyard? We encourage you to do the work necessary to chase them away. If you do, we believe the fruit produced in your vineyard will be not only good today, but make for a great wine that others will enjoy for years to come.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. – Mignon McLaughlin

This post has been featured on the Hot Summer Nights series on the Enter Under My Roof blog

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Honoring Your Spouse On Facebook

Posted on July 30, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: Crazy Mom of 4 blog

Photo Credit: Crazy Mom of 4 blog

One of the things I love about Facebook is seeing how spouse’s honor one another by speaking highly of them in daily status updates. I thought it would be encouraging to all of us to read the ones I’ve found especially uplifting as of late. After you read these, why not write one of your own to your spouse in our comments? What a positive way to communicate the joy it is to love one another in all seasons of marriage life, and how glorifying it is to God to make much of our marriage for all the Facebook world to see.

Enjoy… 

  • Today celebrates 7 wonderful years with the greatest woman I have ever known. [To my wife] you are kind, generous, funny, charming, beautiful, and a wonderful wife and mother. My girls and I couldn’t be luckier you said “Yes” all those lifetimes ago.. 
  • Tonight the boys were both laying on me as we were getting ready to pray. Dan asked each of us what we were thankful for & I didn’t even have enough words to express my gratitude for that moment – a husband who loves the Lord & loves me (still boggles my mind), two sweet boys cuddled up on their Mom, our health, our jobs, our home, our Savior… Wow!
  • Huge family reunion dinner – 60 people, most of whom I cannot name. Sitting with the prettiest girl in the place (his wife.)
  • I’m glad we didn’t listen…Look at what we would be missin’
  • Just got home after a 13hr day at work and studying for his CPAT exam for standards tomorrow. He takes care of me as im throwing up and takes care of dinner. Baby is getting one amazing dad ‪#‎blessed‬
  • My wife is hot. Literally! In this heat she fixed the spark plug connection and cut the grass for me. ‪#‎bestwifeever‬
  • 8 years ago today I married my best friend. I love doing life with you and I am ready for another 60 years with you  Happy anniversary my man. I love you.
  • My sweet hubby put all the left overs away, washed all the dishes and cleaned the whole kitchen! How lucky am I?!
  • I love how he (her husband) enjoys grace. and lives it.
  • Grateful for my husband today. He works hard even when it’s painful, is cheerful when he has every right not to be, and loves and serves us when he’d rather be resting. His hope strengthens me. I love you, babe!
  • Finally, we want to end with a video that is precious. Grab a tissue though, you’ll most likely need it! Notice how this dear husband looks in his wife’s eyes at the end. ♥

Don’t forget to return here to honor your spouse in our comments. 

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Growing Strong Marriages, Showing Honor | Tagged , , , , , , , | 21 Comments