What’s Your Filter?

Posted on May 1, 2013 by Debi Walter

horses

I love taking photographs of anything and everything. I drive Tom crazy because I like taking pictures of what we’re eating as well, and he has to wait while his food gets cold.  I like to think of myself as a photo journalist–capturing moments of our life with the camera. 🙂

One of my favorite apps on my smart phone is Instagram. It allows me to filter pictures and give them a completely different look. Basically, it alters reality to make it look prettier, brighter, more ominous or blurred. Whatever it is that strikes my fancy.

Look at the following photo I took while we were in Beech Mountain, NC.

photo-207What kind of day does it look like to you? What emotions come to mind? Gloomy. Sad. Discouraged. Cold. Scary. Winter. These are the words I thought of.

You would be surprised to see what the day really looked like. It wasn’t like this at all! The filter I used in Instagram allowed me to take a perfectly beautiful day and make it look quite the opposite. A filter is a powerful tool for the photographer. It makes your options limitless.

This made me think of life and our marriage.

Our reality is processed in our heart and mind based on the filter we’re using. And this determines the response we’ll have with our current situation.

If you have a filter which causes you to see the negative side of life, then no matter how good things are, you will always see the bad. I have known people like this, and they aren’t much fun to be around. I call it the “Eeyore Syndrome”.

If you have a rose-tinted filter, you may always see the good and avoid all conflict. You tend to sing even when those around you are suffering. Those who view life in this way rarely encourage and empathize with those who are broken. It’s as if their pain will pop their false bubble of happiness. It’s good to have faith for the future, but we mustn’t allow our faith to keep us from entering into the pain of others and helping them by simply listening with a heart of love.

The best filter to have in place is the filter of grace.

When you see your life and struggles in light of the grace of God you’ve been given, it helps take even the most dreary of circumstances and see the good. It may be hidden way back in the back of the photo, but you know the good is hidden in there somewhere waiting to be discovered. This grace will take your best days and remind you that it is a gift from God and not your own doing. Those who view life with this filter, see the reality, trust God with the trouble and thank Him for the good. It is the best way to live.

How are you viewing your marriage? Do you see all the bad and none of the good? Do your accept only the good and ignore the bad? Or do you balance them both by trusting in God’s grace to lead you no matter how the picture in your life develops. God is at work in the midst of our black and white days and the One who should receive the credit when our days are brighter and better.

Are you curious as to how that day on Beech Mountain really was? Here’s the original photograph:

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As you can see it was a picture perfect day!

If you’re interested, we have an Instacanvas Gallery where you can see our best photos on display. We invite you to follow us if you would like.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Slices, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

15+ Tips For Great Communication In Marriage

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Debi Walter

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We had a reader ask us if we would post some tips on how to have healthy communication in your marriage. What a lofty goal to put such wise advice into our daily Healthy Marriage Tips. So we’ve decided it needed it’s own blog post. We invite you to add yours to the list as you think of them by commenting on this post.

Imagine the benefit of having a growing list on how to communicate more effectively with your spouse.

It’s different for each of us on different days. This is why the topic is so important and so deeply needed.

  1. Being honest with your spouse doesn’t give you permission to say whatever you feel like saying under the guise, “I’m just being honest!” Once words are spoken you can never take them back. Think before you speak.
  2. The best way to understand your spouse is to ask them good questions and listen to what they say in response. Oftentimes we assume we know what they’ll say, so we don’t listen as we should.
  3. Listen with the filter of grace. If they are confessing sin to you, remember how much Christ has forgiven you. If they are sharing concerns about something you’ve done, remember no one knows you better than your spouse. Listen and pray for God’s help in hearing it with grace, not condemnation. Many times our spouse sees areas in our life we are blind to. If we ignore their observations we won’t grow.
  4. If a topic is off-limits, then get help. Just because you choose not to talk about it doesn’t mean it will go away. In fact, it will do more damage as it sits there and festers.
  5. Choose the right time to talk about important subjects. If your spouse is tired, it’s most likely they won’t have the energy to give the topic the attention it deserves.
  6. When you think the time is right to talk about something important to you, ask your spouse if they have a minute to talk about something weighing on your mind. This opens the door for a friend to come alongside and listen, rather than demanding your need without thinking of what might be weighing on their mind.
  7. Be considerate. Always.
  8. Omit absolutes like “you always…” or “you never…”
  9. Don’t accuse your spouse based on your observations. Tell them “It seems to me you might have….” Give them room to explain the situation with grace. We are not our spouse’s judge. We are their companion and best friend.
  10. Conversation builds the friendship between husband and wife in a way nothing else can. Don’t share things with your other friends that you haven’t spoken to your spouse about first. This is protecting your marriage friendship.
  11. Love your spouse even when they don’t deserve it. This is modeling Christ’s love for them and may break down the walls the enemy wants to build between you two. Love speaks softly, not judgmentally.
  12. “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” – Henry Winkler (well said!) (You know what they say about what it means to “assume”–it makes an a** of u and me. Don’t do it.)
  13. “Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say “infinitely” when you mean “very”; otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.” ― C.S. Lewis (Great advice from my favorite author.)
  14. “The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” ― George Bernard Shaw (If you’ve only thought about talking to your spouse be sure you actually do it.)
  15. You’re next…what communication tips can you share that helps you keep your conversation healthy and open? _____________________________________________________________
Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Is Your Spouse A Prisoner Of Your Expectations?

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Tom and Debi
Cartoon Credit: Answeritsa.wordpress.com

Cartoon Credit: Answeritsa.wordpress.com

Imagine you’re having a conversation with your spouse when something doesn’t quite sit right with you. You ask your spouse a question to clarify what you heard them say. They don’t respond right away. There is, what we call, a “pregnant silence.” That’s when you know there are lots of things your spouse is wanting to say, but they’re holding their tongue until they figure out how to say it. Or your spouse may blurt out a defensive response that you didn’t expect.

Either way, what do you do in that moment? Here are your choices:

  • Bark back allowing a huge argument to ensue.
  • Cross your arms, close your heart and refuse to talk about it anymore.
  • Wait until your spouse says what they have to say. And then ask more questions until you’re sure you completely understand how they got to this conclusion.

So often we judge our spouse based on the past, or based on what we think they mean.

Both of these are unfair treatments. It leaves no room for growth or change. If we always expect our spouse to be the same way in certain situations, it pretty much chains them to it. We make them a prisoner of our expectations whether good or bad. Where is the grace in that? Is this how Christ treats us when we’ve failed, yet again, in a certain area? Or is He patient, allowing us room to grow through our failures?

We know the answer. Christ was patient unto death. He willingly took what our sins deserved in order to make a way for us to change. God wants us to do the same for our spouse. He wants us to die to our own expectations and trust Him to work in our spouse for their good and His glory. Sometimes the best thing we can give our spouse is patient silence, rather than picking away at the lack we see.

But then, this isn’t easy, is it? We’re all sinners at heart and doing the right thing, thinking the right way, and responding with grace towards those we love takes diligent effort. We get tired. We grow weary. And we just want to be happy and have peace.

Times like these can reveal idols in our heart.

What is it you’re craving in a moment like this? Is it peace? Is it understanding? Or is it to glorify God. The last answer is the right one. God doesn’t promise us a conflict-free marriage. No, He uses the conflicts we face to challenge false gods we may be worshiping.  Of course, most of us don’t set up an Asherah pole in our living room, or wield golden calves in our garage, but we do set up idols.

An idol can be anything we desire or long for more than glorifying God.

It could be financial freedom, job security, a new car, or even respectful children.

There is a fine line in our heart between genuine love for God’s creation and sinful worship of the same. Only He knows when we’ve crossed the line, and He’s faithful to let us know that is, IF we’re paying attention. Our conflicts often help us see what’s in our own hearts.

If we want our marriage to grow, then we must seize moments like these and ask God to show us the bigger picture of what He’s after in our heart. This isn’t easy, but it’s important to remember that the Holy Spirit dwells inside of us, and He will help us hear God in the midst of the trouble.

What conflict are you facing in your marriage? How can we pray for you?

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Joining The Conversation Of Other Marriage Bloggers

Posted on April 27, 2013 by Tom and Debi

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We want to “Join The Conversation,” from time to time of other marriage bloggers that we respect. We are part of a greater community called the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association (CMBA), and there is a wealth of wisdom being shared via these blogs on a daily basis. By linking up with them and adding our thoughts to the posts we believe are important, we hope to accomplish two things:

1. Help marriages get the information and help they need to live out what they’ve vowed to do.

2. And introduce you to other marriage blogs worthy of your attention. So…

Today we begin with the To Love, Honor And Vacuum blog.

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Our friend, Sheila Gregoire, recently posted an excellent article titled, Countering The Drift. We highly encourage you to take the time to read the entire article, and then come back here to read our part of the conversation. Sheila writes:

Too many of us drift through life. We figure our spouses are always going to be there, our kids are always going to love us, and our jobs are always going to be secure. So we don’t put in the hard work of keeping lines of communication open, or building up goodwill, because we’d rather concentrate on ourselves, and what we want. We are, after all, selfish beings, and most of us, if we can get by with laziness, will try. We’re naturally drawn to drifting.

Having sent off two of our three children to a marriage and family of their own, we’ve learned the lesson of life with how our children change and how this impacts our marriage. And when Tom lost his job last July that we hadn’t seen coming, suddenly he was here all the time. We have a strong marriage, but this shift in time together put a strain on us. We weren’t used to doing life together all day, everyday.

Gratefully, we have adjusted and resisted the drift, but it wasn’t easy.

We have had to have many long, heart-wrenching conversations where you know what you’re saying could potentially hurt the other. But not saying those things, could do even more harm, even though it would have seemed easier at the time–like those two bottles drifting miles apart. We can’t let drift happen no matter how strong the pull is to let go and ride the currents.

We affirm the point Sheila makes about us all being lazy at heart.

It’s true. Sometimes the laziest person can be the busiest. How you ask? By staying busy doing the things they WANT to do, so it leaves no room for someone to ask them to do something they DON’T want to do.

I remember doing this at work in my earlier years. Whenever my boss would come roaming near my office I would pick up anything to make me look really busy. I knew if he saw me idle, he would give a job to do I might not like. This is laziness (and selfishness, I might add) on full display!

You may not have ever thought of laziness in this way. But think about how you spend your time. Is your focus on relieving the stress of your spouse by helping in whatever way you can? Or is your focus on avoiding being asked to do something by them that you really don’t want to do. Ouch! That question hurts if you’re guilty of this habit.But be encouraged.

Our convictions increase based on the level of knowledge we’ve received.

You may find yourself noticing this tendency in your heart more now because you’ve read this post or Sheila’s post. If you do, then please respond to that conviction. To ignore it is to slowly harden your heart towards growing in godliness. No one can help you grow in this way but you. And it happens as we listen to our convictions and respond in a way that glorifies God.

What is one thing you can do today to fight this tendency? Maybe it’s doing the one thing your spouse has mentioned to you over and over again, but you’ve continually hit the snooze button! Ask God to help you fight the laziness and selfishness and embrace what it means to lay your life down for another. Our spouse is the closest one to us, and they should receive the most help from us on a daily basis.

You’ve heard Smokey the Bear say, “Only you can prevent forest fires!” Well, only YOU can prevent drift in your marriage. Do the hard thing. Do the right thing, and we are certain your marriage will grow stronger as a result.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Open Nest, Seasons of Life, The Gospel & Marriage, Troubled Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Joining The Conversation Of Other Marriage Bloggers

GYRO Week 11 – Drive-In Movie Night

Posted on April 26, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: blog.commarts.wisc.edu

Photo Credit: blog.commarts.wisc.edu

I know we don’t normally encourage a movie night for a date, even at home, but this one is different. The idea is to pick a really bad, B-rated movie. Believe me, they’re out there. I found one site that lists the Top 10 B-rated movies trailers of all time. Now that’s some really bad publicity, isn’t it?

Why pick a movie that’s bad? The answer is simple–because you have no intention of watching it! 😉

Set up your living/family/media room to where a love seat or small sofa is positioned front and center to your television. Make sure you have lots of cozy throws on hand. Pop some hot-buttered popcorn, open your favorite movie candy and soda then get comfy next to each other on the couch.

  • Start the movie.
  • Laugh at how stupid the whole thing is.
  • Feed your spouse some popcorn or candy.
  • Laugh some more.
  • Kiss your spouse on the ear, or any other body part that will take their mind off the bad production.

Do whatever you can to make sure this drive-in movie stands up to its reputation of fogging up the windows as you make your own music, so to speak.

If you’ve had the privilege of going to a real drive-in movie with your spouse, you’ll know how to make this a great night. If you haven’t even been to a drive-in movie, then make up your own interpretation on this date your spouse is sure to never forget!

NOTE: If you have a projection DVD player, you could even set up an outdoor theater in your backyard. Bring a blanket to lay on, and have a great night under the stars.

What’s the worst movie you’ve never watched together?

Taking part in the Challenge? Click on the GYRO Challenge button in the header and share with us what you did under Week #11. 

GYRO button

 

 

Posted in Cheap Dates, Christian Marriage, Creative Dates, D.R.A.B., Date Night Ideas, Dating Your Spouse, Free Dates, Fun Dates, GYRO Challenge, Movie Dates, Outdoor Dates, Romance in Marriage, romantic date nights | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments

The Grey Havens

Posted on April 25, 2013 by jtw
Artwork by Careldewinter

Artwork by Careldewinter

“Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate
And though I oft have passed them by
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.”

-J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

When Frodo sings these words on the way to the Grey Havens, he knows that he is about to leave Middle Earth, never to return. He takes in his surroundings. He kisses and thanks his friends. He knows what is about to happen. Many of us here on regular earth aren’t afforded the same opportunity.

I know the topic of death might seem out of place for a blog about romance, but I don’t think it needs to be. For Christians, the Bible is clear that death is only the beginning and is nothing to be feared. On the other hand, Jesus also points out that relationships will be different in heaven. I won’t be married to my wife after death.

I’m sure that the good news behind Jesus’ words will be clear in eternity, and I’m fairly certain that God knows what He’s doing. 1 Corinthians 13:12 says

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”

So it’s a good bet that I will agree with the way things work once I get to heaven, and I know I’ll see Ashley there someday. But honestly, the thought of not being married in heaven is depressing to me at the moment.

I don’t want to take life for granted during our time on earth. I’m sure things will be so much better in heaven, but they also won’t be the same. Ashley and I won’t have theater dates with $7 movie nachos.  We won’t be spending an anniversary at a hotel on the beach. No more bowling or wishing on stars. All of these traditions we have will come to an end someday, and that really puts things in perspective.

So while I am looking forward to heaven, I don’t want to take what I have right now for granted. Earth isn’t just a waiting room. This life is beautiful and too short to be consumed with petty differences, arguments over money, or any of the other struggles that can consume our attention. Don’t let this life pass you by. We could turn onto the hidden paths at any moment.

Photo Credit: ronnielmills

Photo Credit: ronnielmills

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Guest Post, Priorities, Seasons of Life, Thankfulness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on The Grey Havens

Meet The Gardners

Posted on April 23, 2013 by Debi Walter

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Have you ever heard your spouse talk about someone over and over, but never had the chance to meet them? Someone they had met before you were together? You’ve heard so much about them that it’s almost like you know them, even though you’ve never seen them in person?

Last weekend I had the privilege to finally meet Mr. and Mrs. Gardner.

They had a huge impact on Tom when he was first saved for they modeled the kind of marital love that birthed in Tom a desire for the same when he found a wife (me) :-). We have mentioned them before as the couple who never went to bed without the other. If one wasn’t tired, they laid in bed and read so the other could sleep. How sweet is that?

What a privilege it was to sit at the lunch table with them and hear my husband thank them for the lessons their love taught him. Tears welled up in all of our eyes because we knew this was a moment that glorified God for the faithfulness they had demonstrated to each other and to the vows they said on their wedding day. Certainly they have weathered the storms brought on by decades of doing life together, and have come out on the other side all the better for the struggles.

Their greatest trial was when continents separated them while he served in Vietnam.

They shared with us how they kept their love alive during this dark season of their marriage. They sent recorded messages to each other every week and wrote letters every day. One time his letters stopped coming and Mrs. Gardner was distraught not knowing what had happened to him. She called The Red Cross, but they knew nothing. She waited for weeks until she finally received a letter from another soldier telling her that her husband had undergone emergency surgery in a M.A.S.H. unit to remove a kidney stone. She was relieved at the news, but wished they had told her sooner.

When we asked them the secret to their lasting love, they both acknowledged their love for God and their commitment to follow His will for their lives no matter how difficult.

We walked around their beautiful home as they told us stories about the garden they had so carefully created.

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Mrs. Gardner took her trowel as we talked, and went to work digging up bulbs and plants to give us to plant in our own garden. She picked as many weeds as she did plants, which is one of the reasons her plants thrive. She not only cares for the soil, but she also pulls up anything that doesn’t belong knowing it will take the nutrients the flowers need to bloom and grow.

What a great metaphor for how to cultivate a romantic vineyard.

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It was obvious they do this all the time. I guess sharing the abundance from what they’ve sown through the years both in their garden and in their marriage comes as easy as breathing.

Sadly, Mr. Gardner was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness, but his eyes still twinkle when he talks about his bride. What a marriage they have built, what a love they enjoy, what a privilege to have finally met them. They will celebrate 63 years together in June, and we thank God for the visible demonstration of a marriage that wasn’t easy, but stayed the course for God’s glory. We will gladly plant the flowers they gave us this past weekend, but what we really pray is that what their example has sown in our marriage will bear the kind of fruit that we can share with others in the same way.

Their daughter, Pam, pulling our wagon full of plants.

Their daughter, Pam, pulling our wagon full of plants.

Tell us, who in your marriage has inspired you? Who has helped you cultivate your own marriage garden for God’s glory? Have you had the chance to thank them in person?

Posted in Aging, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Seasons of Life, Testimonies, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

Are You Confusing The Muscles Of Your Marriage?

Posted on April 22, 2013 by Tom and Debi

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We visited our daughter’s church yesterday in Marietta Square. Her pastor shared a metaphor we think applies well to marriage.

He said that when you exercise, if you keep doing the same routine week after week eventually your muscles will become familiar with the workout. This isn’t good because once they know what to expect they don’t work as hard because they aren’t being challenged to exert more energy. He went on to say we need to “confuse our muscles” so they don’t know what’s coming next. In doing so they work harder to figure it out. We love this!

In a marriage we can grow accustomed to what is expected of us.

We can fall into a routine that doesn’t require much effort. And what’s worse is we quit building our marriage muscles.

This is why we encourage marriages to do things outside of what’s comfortable. If you’ve never planned an at-home date then do it. If you’ve never surprised your spouse before, then plan something they wouldn’t expect. If you’ve always been the one to say no to something your spouse would like to try, then say yes! It might seem uncomfortable at first, but think of it as your first day of a new workout program. It may provide new energy and excitement in the place where you’ve become bored. And best of all, your relationship will become stronger as a result.

We realize there are troubled marriages where doing something this simple wouldn’t help in the least.

The trouble you’re facing is too deep. This is where the metaphor works even better. If this is your marriage, then do whatever it takes to get help. It may be contacting your pastor for marriage counseling. It may be confessing hidden sin and being the one to come clean. It may be both of you have sinned continually against each other in the way you speak and think about the other. Do the hard thing and go first! Be the one who is willing to humble yourself and “breakdown” the muscles that have atrophied.

atrophy |ˈatrəfē|verb ( -phies, -phied) [ intrans. ](of body tissue or an organ) waste away, typically due to thedegeneration of cells, or become vestigial during evolution : without exercise, the muscles will atrophy | [as adj. ] ( atrophied) in some beetles, the hind wings are atrophied.• figurative gradually decline in effectiveness or vigor due to underuse or neglect : her artistic skills atrophied from lack of use.

What area of your marriage is in most need of growth and strengthening? Don’t ignore it. To do so is to become familiar with the weakness. Instead, go after it as if your life depended on it, for the life of your marriage does!

Posted in Boredom, Christian Marriage, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

GYRO Week 10 – No Electricity Night

Posted on April 19, 2013 by Debi Walter
Light Pollution Map of the eastern US

Light Pollution Map of the eastern US

We are in North Carolina this week and had the opportunity to be on the Blue Ridge Parkway late one night. We stopped at an overlook point and turned off the car so we could gaze at the stars. It takes my breath away every time I’m able to do this. It got me to thinking about how life was for hundreds of thousands of years. The night sky would speak volumes to every person because they could actually see the stars.

When electricity was made available for home use back in the 1890’s, light became available 24 hours a day. Bright light too, not candle or oil lights. This set the stage for what is now called light pollution.

This gave us the idea for our next date night challenge:

No Electricity Night

Plan an evening where you use no electricity. That’s right–none!

For your meal you can use a gas or charcoal grill. Of course, you’ll have to use the refrigerator, but this is the only exception. 🙂 Set the table with kerosene lanterns or candle light. No television or background music. Pick a favorite book and read aloud together or select a book of poems if you like poetry. If you can, spend some time star-gazing and talking about how big the sky is. We’ve found that doing this helps to put your trouble in perspective.

Photo Credit: rhyme220.blogspot.com

Photo Credit: rhyme220.blogspot.com

Be creative. Choose things both you and your spouse will enjoy. But make this a night where the only electricity used is found in the bedroom! 🙂

Taking part in the Challenge? Click on the GYRO Challenge button in the header and share with us what you did under Week #10. 

GYRO button

 

Posted in Christian Marriage, Creative Dates, D.R.A.B., Date Night Ideas, Free Dates, Growing Strong Marriages, Outdoor Dates, Romance in Marriage, romancing your spouse, romantic date nights, Romantic Ideas, Unique Dates, Winter Date Ideas | Tagged , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Weeping For Boston

Posted on April 18, 2013 by jtw

The following is our son, Jason’s, third guest post. He is becoming so popular we may just have to keep him as our Thursday feature. Today’s post is sobering to say the least–it had this Mama crying, as it very well should have. 

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The Romantic Vineyard. Relationships. Marriage. Demonstrating love for your spouse. Living together in unity. As I sit here trying to write a blog post that somehow relates to romance, marriage, or raising a family, I can’t stop thinking about Boston. Every thought in my head, every sentence I type ends up leading back to what happened on Monday. I can’t come up with any topics that don’t conjure up those horrifying images.

But no. I need to write about romance. I have to come up with some subject that I can tie back to marriage. So I begin to write about blessing my wife in some way, which leads to remembering the races I ran with her… and then I see the women lying on the sidewalk, their legs next to them. I attempt to change the subject to my children, raising a family. Ashley and I just found out we’re having a little boy in September—our first boy. And I remember Martin Richard, the eight-year-old who was killed by a bomb while watching a race with his parents. I’ve watched races with my girls from similar sidewalks. Martin’s six-year-old sister lost her leg. My daughter will be six this year.

I can’t do this. I know we’re supposed to be good Americans and move on. To show fear is to let the terrorists win. We’re supposed to have our moment of silence for the victims and get on with the baseball game.

Well you know what? This time, I can’t do it. Not yet. I don’t live in fear. I know that God is still in control. But I’m not ready to move on from this. It doesn’t feel right. Not yet. Maybe this terrorist attack has taught me that I should value every minute I spend with my wife and children. To not take any second of life for granted. Maybe that would be a good blog post. But not yet. Not today.

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This is post #18 in the challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Guest Post, Parenting, Prayer, Seasons of Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Confessions Of A Marriage Blogging Wife

Posted on April 17, 2013 by Debi Walter

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My friend, Kate, who writes the One Flesh Marriage Blog along with her husband, Brad, started a challenge to all marriage bloggers. It is to write out 10 confessions of what your life really looks like on a daily basis. Tom and I have been talking about the false impression people can have of us and our marriage because we write about the romantic/good/blessing side of marriage. We do this to encourage, and I hope we do. But we never want you to think higher of us than you should.

So, I invite you to come and sit with me on the porch, sip some tea and allow me to share with you a slice of my life as it looks right now. 

1. We have not experienced most of the date night ideas we have written about. I love to think outside the box of normal. Having this blog has given me an outlet for the ideas that roam through my head. We would love to have had the time to do all of them, but we have a life outside of date nights.

2. Our marriage is not taking place with romantic music playing in the background all day, every day. We have bills to pay–both ours and my mom’s estate, grandchildren to babysit, parents to care for and help as needed, church activities, home-group to attend, meals to cook and conflicts to resolve. It takes real effort to be intentional about our relationship, this is why we still set aside one night a week for US. It might seem that every night is date night in our house. Well, if you count date night as just being together, then yes. But date nights to us are much more than simply being present.

3. We struggle to find the time to communicate clearly with each other what is weighing on our hearts and minds. Days can go by where we are so busy doing our own things that we aren’t sharing with one another the things that matter most. What the years we’ve had together has taught us is that this isn’t good. So we work on it.

4. I can lose track of how long its been since we’ve been intimate. I don’t think Tom ever forgets, but I do. When I’m in my writing mode, it isn’t easy flipping a switch to be romantic, just like when we were busy raising a family. But I don’t let this be the norm. Tom doesn’t let this be the norm either. But it’s not easy.

5. I had no idea that our “little” marriage blog would require so much time and attention. It has become nearly a full-time job for me, and it is on my mind most all of the time. I take this privilege seriously, but it can take my attention away from other things I need to be doing. Writing comes easy, deep cleaning my home doesn’t. Which leads to…

6. My home is in need of a serious deep-cleaning and organizing. Tom bought me a new filing cabinet nearly two years ago and I still haven’t organized anything in those drawers.  If you open the drawers there are stacks of things–things that don’t have a place either. I don’t see this mess because I can close the drawer, but I know it’s there.

7. I struggle with the way our life has played out in many ways. It is a constant battle of my thoughts to stay focused on what God has called us to do today. When we were raising our children we had hopes for what the future would look like. It doesn’t look much like we’d thought it would, but it is good. I have mixed emotions about it all, where I can argue with myself on either side and do a really good job defending that position. This is where being open with Tom about the struggle helps me to gain the advantage towards right thinking.

8. I home-schooled all three of our children for most of their education. There are things about how I handled the pressure of such a responsibility that I wish I could do over, but I can’t. I often compared myself to other moms who were in the same season. And now I’m tempted to compare myself with other marriage blogging moms. My sin is constantly looking for new outlets to express itself. I work on resisting these temptations.

9. Feelings often are the barometer I use as to whether I’ll do something or not. I’m currently working on changing this. My convictions must dictate my actions or my schedule, not whether or not I feel like it.

10. The older I get the more precious my relationship with Christ becomes. I must confess that He is the One I long to spend time with when I awake each morning. His Word is more valuable to me now than it ever has been in my life.

This confession wasn’t easy to write. But I thank Kate for challenging me to do it. I think it has helped me step back and get the wide-angle view of my life now, and how writing a marriage blog has affected me and my marriage. If you have a marriage blog I challenge you to write your own confessions and then let me know. I’ll make sure Kate links up to your blog as well! May we each live our lives in a transparent and real way that glorifies God in the good times and the bad.

He is faithful to complete the work He’s begun in us!

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This is post #16 in the challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities, Purpose, Seasons of Life, Slices, Testimonies, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments

6 Date Ideas To Help Build Marriage Friendships

Posted on April 16, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: LiveScience.com

Photo Credit: LiveScience.com

Most times when we think of a romantic evening, it’s just for the two of us. But there are times when it is fun to invite your closest married friends over for a nice evening  together. And if you don’t really have close friends yet, we believe this post will help you see how vital they can be for a healthy marriage.

Following are a few ideas of what you could do to plan a night everyone will remember long after you’ve all said, “Good night!”

Never underestimate the influence a well-planned evening can have on the couples who attend.

Evening #1

  • Host A Wine Tasting Party – this is fun way to sample different wines you may never try on your own. The link provides a variety of different tastings from which to choose.

Evening #2

  • Start A Dinner Club – Pick friends who enjoy cooking and start you’re own club. The rules can be made to suit your likes, but we enjoyed our Passport Dinner Club. Every two months we met choosing a country to celebrate. Each couple was assigned a course to bring and it had to be an authentic recipe from that country. It was a fun way to expand our culinary skills as couples as well as our tastes.

Evening #3

  • Host A Downton Abby Dinner Party – Have your guests come dressed up to the 9’s. Serve food that is authentic from the Edwardian Era. You can even charge a small fee in order to have a more elegant meal. For those who can afford it, you could even have the evening catered. How fun to have a formal dinner party for no reason other than to celebrate your marriages.

Evening #4

  • Host a 1940’s Big Band Party – Have your guest come dressed for a night of Swing Dancing and custom mixed cocktails. You could even have a signature drink competition. The drinks don’t have to be alcoholic. The emphasis isn’t on the drinking, but on the romantic atmosphere created, and the fun enjoyed.

Evening #5

  • Host a Movie Night – Create a meal around a favorite movie and then enjoy watching it together as a group. Provide lots of fluffy pillows and throws for each couple to snuggle up together. You could even arrange to borrow a projection DVD player. Use a large white sheet hung on a back fence or screened porch. Set chairs up in twos and call it your very own drive-in theatre. 🙂

Evening #6

  • Host a Make Your Own Pizza Competition – Invite couples to bring their own toppings for the pizza they think will win. Then, provide the dough and sauces and let each couple create their masterpiece. Judge the pizzas on their shape, appearance and of course, taste. The winners don’t have to help clean up the mess. 🙂

The idea of these parties is to encourage romance between husband and wife, and to share the joy it is to have married friends in the same season as you are. You never know when one of those couples will become life-long friends with whom you travel together in your later years. We have three couples we’ve known for most of our married life that we travel with. In fact we just finished a fantastic weekend together–we called it our Land Cruise, since we were unable to pull off a cruise this year for various reasons. But we discovered that it’s not so much about where we go or what we do as it is about who we’re with.

Friendships can enrich your marriage in so many ways. How have your found this to be true? Have you ever planned similar parties for the sole purpose of being with your friends?

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This is post #16 in the challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Christian Marriage, Creative Dates, Date Night Ideas, Dating Your Spouse, Dinner Dates, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Sexpectations

Posted on April 15, 2013 by Debi Walter

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Winston Smith with Christian Counseling Education Foundation shares some excellent points in the following video regarding the expectations you may have in your marriage, especially in your sexual intimacy.

I’ve often said sex is a barometer of how our marriage is doing and it is. But our spiritual intimacy is the compass. This is what gives us focus through the ups and downs of our sex life

In 34 years together we have experienced many down times in our physical relationship. But those times had purpose–they helped us both focus on other aspects of our marriage that were needed. It helped our marriage mature.

How is your marriage maturing? Are your sexpectations being frustrated? What will you do to stay focused?

Posted in Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Intimacy, Sexual Intimacy, Spiritual Intimacy | Tagged , | Comments Off on Sexpectations

Bud Break In The Vineyard

Posted on April 14, 2013 by Debi Walter

vineyard

We are away with good friends for a weekend of laughter, good food and great conversation. Spring has just begun in North Carolina, which makes the weather perfect for being outdoors. We had a picnic today at a beautiful winery in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains, and if I say so myself, it couldn’t have been more perfect.

Tom and I took a walk among the vines to see if was time for bud break yet. And no, we’re not talking about a beer commercial. 🙂 Bud break is the first leaves that open on the woody vines. It is a time to celebrate in the vineyard for it means life is still present in the vine, although it has been dormant for a long winter season. (We encourage you to click the link to a previous blog post in order to read more about this lesson from God found in His beautiful creation!)

Maybe your marriage has been in a winter season where you’re wondering if there is any life left in it. We must do the work of the vinedresser and prepare our hearts as best we can for continued growth, but we must remember it is God alone who causes the growth. He is faithful.  All marriages must face winter season. Some are colder and more dreary than others, but those harsh winters make the beauty of Spring that much more appreciated.

In what ways are you enjoying Spring in your relationship? Have you experienced the Winter season as well? How did it strengthen and grow your relationship?

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This is post #14 in the challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Seasons of Life, The Gospel & Marriage, The Romantic Vineyard | 2 Comments

Romance 101 from the Huxtables

Posted on April 13, 2013 by Debi Walter

cliff-and-claire

Today we have a treat for you. I was on the computer last night when I happened to see that J with the Hot, Holy and Humorous blog had just uploaded a video from The Cosby Show. I was the first one to watch it, and I can’t wait for you to see it. As you watch Cliff and Clair work on communicating what works and what doesn’t work in the romance department for them, you may learn something new. And you may never say “Let’s Get It On” the same way again.   😉

In what ways does your spouse speak romance to you? Do they know what works and what doesn’t? They should–tell them in your own special way how you want to “Get It On.” 

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This is post #13 in the challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Hindrances to Romance, Romance, Romance in Marriage, romancing your husband, romancing your spouse, romancing your wife, Sexual Intimacy | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

GYRO Week 9 – Spouse Appreciation Night

Posted on April 12, 2013 by Debi Walter
Photo Credit: josimarie.com

Photo Credit: josimarie.com

This date is a great way to let your spouse know all the things you love and appreciate about them.

Start by making a list of those things you appreciate most about your spouse. 

It has been said, “what we appreciate, appreciates.” And this couldn’t be more true in our marriage. If we are in the habit of showing appreciation it has a way of motivating our spouse to do all the more. 

Below is a possible list of things you could do for specific things you might appreciate:

  • For giving a helping hand when you need it – give them a hand massage with body oil. Be sure to give their hands lots of kisses too.
  • For speaking kind words of encouragement – give them a long, kiss as a huge thank you.
  • For making the bed everyday – give them a coupon for breakfast in bed, OR coupons good for a month (or a week) of making the bed for them.
  • For paying the bills faithfully – give them a night where they’re certain to not think of the bills. Making love always takes the mind off such things. 😉
  • For working hard on the job 5 days a week – give them 5 hours to do what they want on the day of their choosing.
  • For fixing great meals day after day – order dinner take-out and serve your spouse insisting they can’t do a thing to help.
  • For being an encourager to you – write a list of things you know will encourage them. The longer the better. Have them sit and look at your while you read the list to them.

Hopefully, you get the idea. There really is no right or wrong way to plan this date. Even if you simply make a list of all the things you appreciate about them. See if you can come up with a list that matches the number of years you’ve been married. The most important thing is that whatever you do, your spouse should feel appreciated by the end of the night.

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Taking part in the Challenge? Click on the GYRO Challenge button in the header and share with us what you did under Week #9. 

GYRO button

 

Posted in Christian Marriage, Creative Dates, Date Night Ideas, Dating Your Spouse, GYRO Challenge, Romance in Marriage, romancing your spouse, romantic date nights, Romantic Ideas | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

I Don’t Need Hot Sauce Running Into My Eyes

Posted on April 11, 2013 by jtw

Welcome our son, Jason, if you didn’t already know it was him by the title! 🙂

mouth

I wonder what the world would be like if humans had their mouths connected directly to their brains—right in the center of the forehead. Every word that comes out of your mouth would have to first pass through your brain. No more speaking without thinking.

Sure, this evolutionary shift would have some unfortunate consequences:

  • Football helmets would need to be redesigned.
  • Telephones would have to be held upside down.
  • And eating messier foods could be problematic with your eyes underneath.

But imagine the benefits of this new mouth design. You could go a little further underwater while still breathing. Men would have more space for beards. And with everyone thinking before they speak, say goodbye to reality television.

Even without this new mouth, we all still have the ability to evaluate our words before we say (or write) them. Unfortunately for me, ability doesn’t always translate into action. I still say things to my wife that come across to her as selfish or rude, and she’s usually right. But I’ve also found that the more I ask God to help me discern my motives before I speak or write, the easier it becomes.

You know that Scripture about gaining the whole world and losing your soul? I think that can also apply during a disagreement. Sure, I might be able to win an argument with my wife, but what’s the point if we’re both living in separate areas of our house at the end? If love means desiring the ultimate good for my spouse, than what’s really more important? I must humble myself, repent of my selfishness and trust God to help me love her the way He wants me to.

I’ve found that quickly evaluating my motives before I say anything can serve my wife and save me a lot of unintended consequences and clean-up time afterward. So maybe the mouth redesign isn’t a good idea after all. I don’t need hot sauce running into my eyes.

How have you learned to love your spouse more by thinking before you speak? 

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This is post #111 in the challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Growing Strong Marriages, Guest Post, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

Don’t Ditch Your Marriage!

Posted on April 10, 2013 by Debi Walter

Chris & Amy (26)

It all happened a few years ago when we were on a business trip in Detroit. We happened to pass by an apple orchard. Since I’m from Florida, I had never seen an orchard during harvest time, and I was thrilled! I asked Tom to pull over so I could take a picture. He managed to slow down a pull over into the thick grass lining the road, BUT…we didn’t expect what happened next…

I’ll  never forget the helplessness we felt.

How could we have not seen the ditch on the side of the road? The entire right side of our rental car was stuck, and there was nothing we could do now but hope for help.

Chris & Amy (25)

We remembered our AAA membership and called for help, only to realize we had no idea where we were–“um, we’re on a back road by the big red barn!”–didn’t cut it in helping the tow truck find us. 😦

Chris & Amy (27)

How often our marriages can experience situations like these. Everything is going along fine; you decide to pull over to enjoy something beautiful when an argument hits out of no where. What was a great conversation ends up in the ditch of communication and you have no idea how to get unstuck!

It’s easy to point fingers and blame the other, “how come you always…why weren’t you more observant…etc.” But pointing fingers has never helped a marriage get out of the ditch. The best way to free yourself from the awkward place is not so difficult, but it requires a bit of humility. Let’s look back at our day in Detroit…

Once we realized we couldn’t use AAA’s services (thank God we have GPSs now!), we prayed God would send help. And guess what? Some friends who “happened” to be passing by, saw us and stopped. They “happened” to have a hook and heavy rope in their huge truck and were able to safely, and quickly I might add, pull us out of the ditch. What seemed like an impossibility, wasn’t as hard as we thought it would be.

Chris & Amy (33)

When was the last time you asked a mentor, pastor or friend to help you and your spouse with an unresolved conflict? It can be humbling to ask, but the Bible states God gives grace to the humble. Think of grace as the friend passing by the road and noticing your dilemma. Oftentimes our friends don’t notice unless we humble ourselves and ask them for their input. Most who know us would be glad to lend a helping hand or hook! 🙂

A word of caution, don’t ignore the ditch you’re in.

It may seem that things have smoothed over and your marriage is back on track, but unless you’ve both come to a resolve and repentance has been sought, and forgiveness given, you’re still in the ditch! Many marriages set up camp alongside the ditch and it becomes their new normal. Don’t let this happen.

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
(Ephesians 4:26-27 ESV) emphasis mine.

Allow God to use the means He’s chosen to help your marriage get back on the road again. Even if it’s embarrassing to some degree. It was humbling to say the least, when our friends showed up and saw our demise. Yeah, they even mocked us a bit, but their presence really did help us laugh at our trouble, instead of being angry thus ruining the day.

By the way, I got a great shot of the barn. 😉

Chris & Amy (30)

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This is post #10 in the challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Forgiveness, Growing Strong Marriages | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

How’s The Climate In Your Marriage?

Posted on April 9, 2013 by Debi Walter
Savannah - designed to endure.

Savannah – designed to endure.

Have you ever been to Savannah, GA? Some of our good friends are there right now resting after the marriage of their daughter (and last one to leave home) on Saturday. I got a text from her saying how beautiful and relaxing it was.

I’ve been to Savannah too, but my experience wasn’t the same. It was so hot and sticky I had to peel the humidity off of my fingers. We played golf, and I lost several balls that literally got sucked into the muddy ground. It was beautiful, but not so relaxing, and it didn’t leave the same fond memories in my mind as I’m sure my friend will have.

What made the difference? It was the climate of the season. One experienced fair weather, the other experienced hot, humid weather.

This begs the question–how’s the climate in your marriage?

You may be in a pleasant place where everything feels right. Or you may be in a hot and sticky situation where all you want is relief from the discomfort. Regardless of what you’re experiencing at the moment, you are still in “Savannah.” The place is the same. The history hasn’t changed. The only thing different is how the current weather is making you feel.

This is why we mustn’t depend on our feelings to dictate the value we place on what we have. No matter how terrible your marriage may be right now, God will help you. He will lead you to cooler weather as you listen to His direction and obey His commands. We have witnessed couples who were weathering severe storms in their marriage, but who continued to hold on to the Anchor of their soul. Our Heavenly Father is committed to helping us make our marriage one that glorifies Him. He may not make us comfortable each and every year, but He will give us comfort while we wait for the needed changes.

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This is post #9 in the challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Priorities, The Gospel & Marriage, Travel | Tagged , , , , | 10 Comments

The How’s And Why’s Of Desperate Prayer

Posted on April 8, 2013 by Tom and Debi
Photo Credit: Dwell In Bethel

Photo Credit: Dwell In Bethel

We have heard it said that when trouble is weighing heavily on you that this is an indication of the need for more prayer. If you haven’t completely left it at the foot of the Cross, then stay in prayer until the weight is lifted. The Holy Spirit will be sure you know when that is.

In marriage there are so many facets to making it a healthy one. It’s easy to point a finger at your spouse, either literally or in your heart, placing the blame on them for what your marriage lacks. But God doesn’t see it this way. You are one flesh. He accomplished this miracle on your wedding day. Your spouse’s weaknesses are your own, and vice versa. Seeing and owning your spouse’s weaknesses in this way will help you both work as a team, instead of fighting like enemies.

What is currently weighing on your spouse’s heart? Commit to pray for them and the situation until you sense God lift the burden. It may take longer than you expect, so don’t enter your prayer closet with an expectation as to when you think your time should end. Be willing to “stay awake” in prayer for your spouse as long as is needed. Let the Holy Spirit lead you in this, and watch how God delights to answer the desperate cries of your heart.

“But the things that we feel most deeply, we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God.” – Elisabeth Elliot

As an added blessing, write your spouse a note telling them what you’ve done. Mail it to them or place it somewhere where it will catch them by surprise. Or you may want to continue praying for them in secret and not tell them what you’re doing. Let the answer come and then share how God met you in your prayer closet on their behalf. We guarantee this kind of desperate prayer will draw you closer to your spouse than anything else you could ever do for them.

“We tend to use prayer as a last resort, but God wants it to be our first line of defense. We pray when there’s nothing else we can do, but God wants us to pray before we do anything at all.― Oswald Chambers

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This is post #8 in the challenge to post everyday in April.

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Posted in Christian Marriage, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Prayer, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments