Sharing Musts For A Healthy Marriage 5

Posted on October 30, 2011 by Tom and Debi

It’s hard to believe we’re at the end of our month with only two more sharing musts to post. If you’ve missed this series, here is a recap:

  1. Vacations and Dreams
  2. A Bed and Burdens
  3. Passwords and Our Bodies
  4. Meals and Chores

Our next sharing must for a healthy marriage is:

Fears

Does your spouse know what frightens you? Do they know your temptations to fear? Is it a “fear of man?” Which is a fear of what other people think of you. Is it a “fear of failure?” This is an obsessive craving to know the right path even when God is wanting you to trust Him.

You may struggle with a fear I did. When Tom and I first got married he had no idea of a fear I faced daily; it was a fear of the dark. There were several reasons for my fear – one being my older brother who loved nothing more than jumping out at me in the dark just to hear me scream. But there was another more frightening reason. I was in middle school and was spending lots of time with a girlfriend playing the Quija Board. We thought it was innocent fun, that is until one time. It was the last time I ever played. Something strange happened as we each put our hands on the tray. I won’t go into details because I don’t want to give this any unnecessary attention. Suffice it to say, I was scared out of my skin. I remember running home as fast as I could, and it being a full moon didn’t help comfort me on my way home.

Fast forward 6 years when Tom and I were married and in our first home. We lived in a split level home where you had to go upstairs to get to the bedrooms and downstairs to get to the garage. Our washer and dryer were in the garage and I never, never did laundry after dark. But I didn’t tell anyone, since I could manage my own schedule. Another thing I avoided was to be the last one downstairs when it was time to go to bed. I never wanted to have to turn off the lights. But sometimes it would happen, and I had to face my fear.  Actually it would be more accurate to say I ran from my fear.

This was something I was ashamed of, so I never told Tom. One day the Lord brought this fear to my mind and had me contemplate what it was I was actually afraid of. I wasn’t afraid of an intruder in our home – I knew the doors and windows were locked. What I was afraid of was evil spirits. It felt as if something was nipping at my heels whenever I would go upstairs after turning the lights off. It sounds silly now, but I assure you this fear was tangible.

I don’t remember what prompted me to finally tell Tom. It must have been the nudging of the Holy Spirit because of His desire to set me free. “God gives grace to the humble.” I was afraid Tom would laugh at me and think I was being silly – like my fear of roaches. But I should have known better. Tom loves me and cares for me. When I told him everything he took me by the hand and sat with  me on the stairs. We prayed together and asked God to set me free from the chasing fear.

He did. There was no more panic or fearful dashes up the stairs. Whatever I had felt afraid of was gone. And I was overjoyed!

This time of year is always challenging for me. Tom guards me closely making sure I don’t see or hear anything that will frighten me. It is something he does out of love for me, I am extremely grateful.

Do you have fears your spouse doesn’t know about? Why not humble yourself and have that talk you’ve been avoiding. There may be freedom waiting for you, more than you ever dreamed was possible.

Finances

For many of you this may seem like a given. However, there are lots of couples who choose to keep their money separate when they marry. He has his own checkbook, and she has her own.

The main problem we see with this one is the mine/yours mentality. When marriage vows are exchanged there is a joining together of two separate people into one flesh. It is a miracle God performs. Anything you are tempted to guard as “mine,” is only going to place a wedge between you both.

Now we’re not saying you can never have a separate checking account. There are many valid reason this is a good idea, BUT the spouse should know about it and have access to it. There should be no secrets allowed.

Like sex, our finances can be an indicator as to how we’re doing as husband and wife. If you withhold sex or you dread it, this is most likely because there are other areas which need attention in your relationship. Sex and money are like barometers. Watch how you relate in these two areas and most of the time you can tell the condition of the marriage.

So, when you make large purchases – do it jointly. When you file your taxes do it as a married couple. When you take a mortgage co-sign the note. We should share everything and there should be no secrets. Ladies, when you go shopping your husband should know what you’ve purchased and Husbands, this goes both ways if you’re the one who loves to shop. Be open and accountable in how you spend your money. In doing so you will open the doors to intimacy on a deeper level, which will enrich your sex life as well. A perk you may not have expected.

Do you struggle to share everything regarding money and finances with your spouse? If so,  pray and ask God to help you talk to them about those struggles. It matters in the long run, and putting it off will only make it worse. Trust us on this one, we’ve seen too many marriages end for some of the things we’ve listed in this series.

How have the Sharing Musts for a Healthy Marriage helped/challenged you?

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This is post #30 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Difficulty, Growing Strong Marriages, Sexual Intimacy | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Happy Hour

Posted on October 28, 2011 by Tom and Debi

It’s time once again for our “Specials of the Week.” There are a lot of great blogs out there, this is merely a sampling of some of our favorite ones. Enjoy!

Encourage Your Spouse

  • Buckle In For The Ride – Do you like roller coasters? Do you care for your marriage as much as the attendants at a carnival ride do their riders?

Journey To Surrender

Marriage Gems

One Flesh Marriage

The Generous Husband

  • If She Is Broke…– Paul offers a great list on how to treat your bride when addressing an area of her life. But first he points out, you must do this!

The Generous Wife

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This is post #29 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Happy Hour | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments

A Fragrant Aroma – How You Live

Posted on October 28, 2011 by Debi Walter

We recently saw the movie, Courageous, and we’re ashamed to admit, we assumed it would be a good story with mediocre acting as are many Christian productions. We are pleased to say loud and clear – We Were Wrong! The story was so powerful from the opening scene that we didn’t give this another thought. Watch this trailer if you haven’t yet:

We all know friends and family members who have gone through family break-ups, tragic losses and irreconcilable differences. Sometimes it feels as if there is no answer but to quit. But God has promised He will never leave us. He has promised to help us do what seems impossible. Quitting won’t make things better, it simply puts all the trouble we’re facing on permanent hold.

So whatever the state of your marriage. We encourage you to go see this movie. Take your spouse and plan some time afterward to talk about what spoke to you most. We guarantee:

You will laugh.

You will cry.

You will be surprised at how the story goes. But most of all you will be inspired to make the most of each day, to be the best parent/spouse/friend you can be. And where you find yourself lacking, you will be encouraged to seek help from God. What matters most is to take serious note as to how you live. We heard this song today by Point of Grace, and it was so applicable to this post we thought we’d share it as well:

If you have seen the movie and are interested in purchasing your own Resolutions document, click on the “Courageous” tab at the top of the blog. There you will find an array of resources including a 21 Day Dad’s Challenge.

May God greatly enrich your lives and marriage as you resolve to be courageous!

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This is post #28 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Movie Dates, Music, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

You’ve Got Mail Date Night

Posted on October 27, 2011 by Tom Walter

We posted about this date a three years ago, but for the sake of our new readers we thought we’d share it again.

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Photo Credit: themoviedb.org

Debi loves the movie, You’ve Got Mail. She watches it at least once a year, but always around Thanksgiving.

One day I called her on our normal date night day (Monday), and said, “Tonight we’re having a You’ve Got Mail Date.”

“What’s that?” She asked.

“You’ll have to wait and see!”  and then I hung up.

I got her going this time. You see, she’s usually the one with the wacky, out-of-the-box type of date night ideas. Being able to “get her” like this was so fun. My biggest problem was Debi’s tendency to over think what I might be planning. Something I would discourage anyone from doing who knows there is a surprise in the works – for two reasons:

  1. You may come up with an idea completely different from theirs, setting you up for great disappointment. Expectations are never a healthy thing when it comes to being surprised by your spouse.
  2. You may guess what they’re doing and spoil the surprise. Debi has regretted doing this a few times. She figured out my plans and it ruined the surprise. We still had fun, but it lost some of its umph.

By God’s grace Debi didn’t have a clue and the night went off perfectly.

Here’s what I did. (See if you can catch all the references to the movie.)

I had Debi leave for a little while so I could get things ready. When she returned, I led her to a table I had prepared in our bedroom for dinner. I sat her down to a lovely setting centered with a bouquet of daisies. There was a movie jacket and our first course (sushi) waiting. We sat and talked over our day while enjoying our appetizers.

Photo Credit: Sushilinks.com

Next I handed her a menu from Cafe’ Lalo that I had printed off of their website.

Cafe Lalo

Earlier in the day, I picked two options from the menu that I thought she might order, and then, I purchased both at a local restaurant for take-out.  When Debi chose her menu item I was thrilled she picked one of the dishes. (It pays to study your spouse for moments like these.) I ate the other choice.

Our table for two

While we enjoyed this fabulous meal, I handed her a trivia sheet. It had all kinds of questions from the movie to test her knowledge. I’m not surprised in the least to say, she knew them all.

After dinner, we got comfortable and watched the movie together while drinking Starbucks Cappuccinos. And to end it all, I gave Debi a single red rose to remember our wonderful night. She said it was thoughtful, romantic and one of the nicest dates I’ve ever planned.

This took place over four years ago, but we remember it as if it were yesterday. Below is a picture of a recent trip we took to New York City. Debi insisted we go to the Upper West Side of Manhattan in order to see all of the You’ve Got Mail sites. Do you know where this park is shown in the movie? (If you don’t, ask Debi – she’s sure to know!) I find it ironic she’s sandwiched between a “keep park clean” sign and a garbage can.

What is your spouse’s favorite movie? Don’t forget the classics too! Can you think of a way to make a creative date around the movie’s theme? Guaranteed your spouse will love every minute of it!

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This is post #27 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Creative Dates, Date Night Ideas, Movie Dates, Romance in Marriage, romancing your wife, romantic date nights, Unique Dates | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Turn Up The Heat

Posted on October 26, 2011 by Debi Walter

Sadly, Lisa Graf with Mom Blog took the title of this post quite literally. She has a high fever and is quite sick, so I’m covering today’s post all by myself. Lisa – we pray God heals you quickly, so you’re back to doing all the things God has called you to do. Until then, rest!

Photo Credit: iStock Photos

Last week in our Wedded Bliss Wednesday we talked about “turning down the heat,” in reference to conflict in your marriage. Today we want to look at the flip side – turning up the heat of passion in your marriage.

It is difficult when raising small children to find time to pursue your husband the way you did B/C, but it is possible. It just takes more planning and thinking – really thinking about your man throughout the day.

Awhile back I was at a ladies retreat when the Lord shared with me a word picture that I believe will be helpful for our topic today:

Photo Credit: zearticles.com

I saw a woman who was sitting in a darkly lit room. It was winter outside so the room was cold. There was a fireplace, but the fire had died down and only a few red embers remained. In order to find warmth the woman took a coat off of the nearby coat rack and put it on quickly. She still shivered in the cold room, so she grabbed the blanket off the couch and wrapped it tightly around herself. The chill remained. She continued to rock hoping the movement along with the layers would warm her cold body.

What was odd about the picture was the fact that there was still unburned firewood in the fireplace. All she needed to do to warm the room was to stir the embers, but instead she shivered in the dark, cold room.

I believe this picture represents many marriages. The fires of passion have died down. Instead of stirring the embers to reignite the flames of passion in her marriage, this woman chose, instead to wrap the blanket of self-pity and the coats of pride around her. She wasn’t willing to do whatever it would take to reignite the flame, but chose instead to be cold and alone.

Have you found your marriage to be cold and lonely lately? Every marriage walks through seasons like this, but what you do about it separates strong marriages from weak ones. Many women believe since it is the man’s Biblical role to lead in the marriage that they should take the romantic lead as well. This is simply not true. Passion and romance in the marriage is the responsibility of both the husband and the wife. If your husband isn’t taking the first step, then you by all means should. Plan something that will completely rock his world. Send him a steamy text this afternoon that will have him running for the door when the clock hits quitting time. Make arrangements for the children, plan a surprise, do something out-of-the-0rdinary and have fun!

Photo Credit: houseofverona.com

Marriage isn’t a game of chess – waiting and watching for your opponent to make the next move. No! It’s more like a downhill sledding event. You both get on and hang on for the ride of your life!

Photo Credit: nationallampoon.com

Remember what fueled your passion when you were engaged or newly married? Revisit something from those days – maybe it was an outfit, or a special dinner or wine which will cause you both to reminisce. The important thing is to initiate physical intimacy with your husband. He will respond!

Back when we had beepers, instead of cell phones, I remember coming up with a code. It was a simple code A=1, B=2, C=3, etc. But I didn’t tell Tom about it. We have always shortened “I love you” with “ILY.” So one morning while Tom was at work I sent a three digit message that said “4-5-9”. Of course, when you got a message on your beeper it was a phone number to call asap. There was no way Tom could call this number as it only had three digits. 🙂 An hour later I sent him the same code. At lunch he called me, but he didn’t say a word about the strange message he was getting on his beeper.

An hour later I sent it again. And a couple more times before he headed home for the day. By the time he got home, he was obviously perturbed. When I asked what was wrong he said, “Someone keeps calling me on my beeper and leaving only three numbers to call. I don’t know who it is, but it’s driving me crazy!”

After dinner I had made Tom a special dessert with a card. He asked what it was for, and I said, “Oh, no reason…” When he read the card it was signed, 4-5-9, ILY – Debi

He said, “It was YOU?!” LOL!

This was a little way I added a bit of suspense and excitement to our marriage. You can also hide things under the driver’s seat in your husband’s car and call him sometime during the day to have him look. It could be anything that would make them think of being with you.

Marriage is meant to be fun and H.O.T. Don’t waste these years of raising children and miss the special memories you could make together. Your children may not have any idea what Mommy and Daddy are doing, but they’ll definitely benefit from the results.

And hang on for the ride of your life! ♥

What is something you have done to turn up the heat in your marriage?

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This is post #27 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Blog Love, Date Night Ideas, Growing Strong Marriages, Intimacy, Romance in Marriage, romancing your husband, Romantic Ideas, Sexual Intimacy, Wives | Tagged , | 7 Comments

Childproof Your Home Not Your Heart

Posted on October 25, 2011 by Debi Walter

Our home is not as childproof as it once was. It doesn’t have to be, but this fact is what requires me to pay closer attention when my grandchildren come for a visit. Childproofing our home is a good idea. Childproofing our heart is another matter all together.

When Tom and I were babysitting our grandchildren we happened to go to the grocery store one day. My rule for having children in any store is either “hands behind your back,” to keep them from touching and breaking everything in sight, OR “hold onto the cart,” to prevent them from getting away from me.

Well, rules are easily broken as was the case on this day.

Both Norah and Bradley darted in front of me – skipping and giggling all the way – when an elderly woman nearly knocked them over with her cart. She looked at them, then at me and with a sincere look of disdain, shook her head and walked away.

I felt bad, but more for her than for my grandchildren frolicking a bit too much in the store.

We have experienced our share of “crotchety people” in our lives. My parents lived next door to a man who absolutely hated us because our children were – children. I imagined him being a real life ogre, but not nearly as likeable as Shrek.

Why is it that with many people, the older they get the less they tolerate children and their childish ways? Why is it that the spirit of Scrooge is alive and well? And most importantly, how can we prevent ourselves from becoming a crotchety old person who refuses to smile and be nice.

The Bible says, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” In order to not be that person tomorrow, we must deal with what’s in our heart today. It matters when we get angry with our spouse or with our children, because if we don’t deal with the sin of anger in our heart, if we choose instead to stuff it so no one sees, we’re only prolonging the inevitable. As we age we lose our ability to control ourselves for appearances sake. We are no longer able to hide under our false kindnesses. What’s inside is easily seen by anyone who happens to cross our mood in an unacceptable way.

You’ve heard the saying, “You are what you eat.” Well, I believe it’s also accurate to say, “You are what you think. Even if no one knows the thoughts you are thinking.” God is aware, and if we are serious about living a life which glorifies Him we will have to go to task on our own hearts so they don’t become childproof.

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” Matt. 19:14 ESV

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This is post #25 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Mark Your Calendar

Posted on October 24, 2011 by Debi Walter

Eight months ago Tom took me away for our 32nd anniversary. The plan was to spend a couple of days playing golf at a beautiful course in south Orlando. You may remember we had to go from Plan A to Plan B because of an unexpected injury. It was quite disappointing, but it didn’t ruin our time – we were together after all, and this was the point.

Well, this past Saturday we were able to finally play that second round of golf at the beautiful golf course aforementioned. It was a perfect day with temperatures in the low 70’s, deep blue skies and a slight breeze. We share this with you simply as a follow-up to our forced change of plans. It was good to be together on this day, but it was made even sweeter because of the anticipation we’ve had for months to finally finish this round. We were full of gratefulness that neither of us were hurt or sick or any myriad of other things that could have happened. Even when we found ourself in the sand dunes – we won’t mention whose ball this is! But we’ve learned…there’s always Plan B. 🙂

♥ Fun Dates To Celebrate ♥

October 24

  • National Bologna Day – I don’t know what this says about our nation to have a day so named, but we do. Do you think this is a bunch of bologna? It’s appropriate on all days, but especially this one. 🙂

October 25

  • Punk for a Day Day – If you’ve always wanted to dress really weird and dye your hair a bright color, you can do it today. Let you imagination go wild and it can probably be considered “punk.”
  • World Pasta Day – Now this is a day you can sink your teeth into. Caio!

October 27

  • Navy Day – Celebrate by watching one of your favorite war movies about the Navy. The link will take you to some of the most popular – please note, we have not endorsed any of these films.
  • National Tell A Story Day – This day is actually celebrated in the UK, but it sounds like a fun idea. Plan to read a story aloud to your spouse and set the scene by using music and lighting to your advantage.

October 28th

  • Frankenstein Friday – celebrating this date might be a frightful experience. But I learned some interesting trivia for this one. Whose father did the man who played the Frankenstein from the movie Young Frankenstein movie portray in a recent television sitcom? Comment with your answers – no prize…just for fun!

October 30th

  • National Candy Corn Day – make a mosaic together using this traditional fall candy. Then eat your artwork.

♥ Things To Do In Orlando ♥

There isn’t much happening around town this week due to it being Halloween next Monday. Tom had an idea though – plan your own costume party using items you already own. Could be a fun night full of tricks and treats!

NORTH

  • Casselberry – Halloween Classical Night of Music Concert on Saturday, Octo

EAST


Posted in Date Night Ideas, Mark Your Calendars (time sensitive) | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Sharing Musts For A Healthy Marriage 4

Posted on October 23, 2011 by Tom and Debi

We have been posting about “sharing musts” for the past few Sundays. Some of you probably think these are all givens, but to those who haven’t given much thought about it – we are making sure these are understood. Far too many marriages find out too late that they never completely shared their life together as husband and wife.

So far we’ve talked about:

Vacations and Dreams

A Bed and Burdens

Passwords and Our Bodies

Our next Sharing Must is:

Meals

It may seem like a small thing, but the habits you form early on in your marriage will have a lasting effect on the quality of your relationship. It is important to set aside time each day to connect as a couple, as a family. And one of the best ways to do this is around the dinner table. Set guidelines for what time dinner will be served and where it will be served. Be consistent in these two things and the routine will soon be a rich well from which to draw daily. Make this your time to download the events of the day, to talk about your joys and challenges. If you have children use this time to engage them in the conversation as well. Time will pass so quickly you will be glad for the memories you’ve made around the dinner table. We have a saying on the wall in our dining room that reads:

“The fondest memories are made when gathered around the table.”

Start making your own memories by turning off the television. Set aside cell phones and connect on a personal level without using technology as a crutch. You will be surprised at how relaxing supper can be as you purpose to make it special.

Here are nine tips to help you begin incorporating a Family Dinner in your home. Take time to read these and see how many you may already be doing. It’s not as hard as it may seem, it simply requires taking the first steps towards change.

Photo Credit: life123.com

Chores

This can be a hot topic in many marriages, but it doesn’t have to be. There is always work which needs to be done around the house. And there is always someone who would rather not have to do it. Granted, if one spouse works outside of the home and the other spouse stays home much of the time, the majority of the household chores will fall on the one who is home. However, if the spouse who isn’t home most of the time expects the other spouse to do it all all of the time, then this is wrong. We both own the home (or rent if this is the case),  so both are ultimately responsible to keep the home neat, clean and in good repair.

The best way to think of it is how would Christ handle the chores in the home. One scripture comes to mind: “Christ came not to be served, but to serve.” Is this your mindset when it comes to daily chores?

Some couples work out a schedule of who is responsible for what chore. This is a great way to keep the responsibilities clear, so there are no misunderstandings. Some couples take turns with different tasks – one week they may do the dishes, the next week they may do the laundry. The key is to discover what works best in your situation. Never make assumptions when it comes to daily chores. Talk about expectations and desires. Talk about what you could do around the house to bless your spouse. Ask them if there is anything you aren’t doing that your spouse is wishing you would.

There is one chore I have never cared for and that is scrubbing the shower. So Tom has always done this one for me. I never asked him to, he simply started doing it, and I am very grateful. Our rule pretty much is if it needs to be done and you have the time at the moment to do it – then do it.

There are times when I didn’t do what I should have done in the day. And there are times when Tom puts off doing what he could have done. We all succumb to laziness and procrastination from time to time. If we are working on the chores together around the house, then the other spouse can lovingly help by picking up the slack. This is one practical way we can love and support one another.

What about you? Do you have family meals together? Have you discovered a plan to help divvy up the chores? What works for you? We’d love to hear.

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This is post #23 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

10.5.1 Mall Date

Posted on October 22, 2011 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: infinityarchitecture.com

On Tuesday Tom and I managed to have a night to ourselves. He had a lot on his mind, so I knew it would be difficult to enjoy “us” time unless I thought of something to completely distract him from the day.

I came up with this little game to play, which I figured would completely occupy his thinking skills leaving no room for such thoughts. At least I hoped this would be the case. You never know when your spouse is struggling, if the effort you make will work or not. B.U.T. this doesn’t mean we should ever stop trying.

I’m happy to tell you it was the perfect date for us on this night. We had a blast. Lori Byerly of The Generous Wife blog asked me to do a guest post and this happened to be the date I posted on her blog. We encourage you to check it out HERE.

A big thank you to Lori for the invitation.

Following are a few of the pictures in the “5” part of the date.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

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This is post #22 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Blog Love, Creative Dates, Date Night Ideas, Dating Your Spouse, Fun Dates, Rainy Day Dates, Romantic Ideas | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Happy Hour

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Debi Walter

Where has this week gone? With all the emergencies in my life this week, I haven’t had the time to read all the great marriage blogs I love. I did manage to read the few below and offer them to you as our “Specials of the Week.” My apologies to the other blogs who are missing from today’s feature – it’s not because you aren’t writing excellent material.  That’s a given!

Have a great weekend!

Couple Things Blog

  • Warning Signs – Do you know the warning signs of a problem marriage? Now you can thanks to this invaluable post.

Encourage Your Spouse

The Generous Wife (she was generous to invite me to do a guest post!)

  • 10.5.1 Mall Date – a fun date night we tried out for ourselves last week. We’ll post about it tomorrow.
Posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Date Night Ideas, Growing Strong Marriages, Happy Hour | Tagged , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Happy Hour

A Fragrant Aroma – Listen and Love

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: by Sasha Yastremskyi

I am writing this post in a hurry. You see, my Mom called me on Wednesday morning saying she didn’t feel right – she was dizzy and her arms felt weak. I immediately asked her the stroke questions: What’s your name? Can you lift both arms above your head? Can you smile?

“Yes.” was her answer for which I was relieved.

But the way she was talking – her words sounded thick – it caused me enough concern to have her call 9-1-1. I said, “I’ll be there right away.”

Thankfully, I live only 10 minutes away, and my brother and sister-in-law live only blocks away. When I hung up I called my brother and then, Tom.

As soon as I heard Tom’s voice, I broke. His is the voice that comforts my fears and understands my emotions more than anyone. I explained to him what had happened while I was frantically throwing my clothes on and looking for my car keys.

“What if she’s had a stroke?” was the thought repeating over and over in my mind.

Tom said he was on his way, but to be careful driving. “Take your time, and I’m praying for you.”

My Mom will be 90 in March. She is an amazing woman and very attuned to life. She still lives alone, drives short distances and cares for her health and personal finances. I have always received such love and support from her. We all have – I have one brother and one sister – and her prayers alone for us could fill a football stadium.

Photo Credit: Driversed.com

All these thoughts were crowding my mind as I was driving to her house. When I got there, thankfully, the paramedics were already on the scene. There’s something frightening about seeing an emergency vehicle with lights flashing in front of your parent’s home. I ran inside to find Sherry, my sister-in-law;  Amy, my niece and her two sweet, little girls in the room with my mom.

Relief settled on me knowing I wasn’t alone. I had family to walk through these types of challenges with me. What a blessing. What a gift. My brother would have been there too, but he was at work which is 45 minutes away. I kept him informed on the phone. My sister lives 2 hours away and works as an RN. She is a great support in medical emergencies. Yes, our family knows how to work together in such times.

But I wasn’t ready for this time.

My dad passed away in January of 2004 after only 8 weeks of battling brain cancer. It was a whirlwind of a tragedy, but God held us up as only He could through this valley of the shadow of death. I prayed silently that this wasn’t the beginning of another walk through this valley.

Today, I can tell you my mom is doing well. She is still in the hospital doing tests for TIA (small strokes). Thankfully, all her tests for a major stroke came back negative. They will treat her as needed, but by noon yesterday she was feeling normal again.

When the nurse asked her questions about her health like, “Do you wear hearing aids?” and she answered, “no,” I am reminded of how blessed we have been. She still offers advice, she still prays for us daily, she still is here to listen and share with us stories of her past. She is still here to work on our family genealogy on the computer. She is still here!

She is an amazing woman. And I am grateful to God that the phone call I received from her wasn’t the beginning of the end. And I find it quite ironic that this is my second post about such phone calls this week.

(NOTE: My mom was released from the hospital late last night, and she is home doing fine. Thank you God!)

What phone calls have you received this week? Do you take for granted the voice of your loved one on the other end? Don’t. Their voice is a priceless gift that would be greatly missed if they were suddenly gone.

Listen more closely and love more deeply.

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This is post #21 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in A Fragrant Aroma | Tagged , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Is Your Marriage A Place of Trust?

Posted on October 20, 2011 by Tom Walter

Photo Credit: Desing God Ministries

It’s no secret that Debi and my favorite author is Paul David Tripp. We read everything he publishes and even follow him on FaceBook and Twitter. A few days ago I came across an excellent questionnaire to use as a tool in evaluating the level of trust in your marriage relationship.

I pray that taking time to do this will help you see areas of strength and/or weakness in your marriage enabling you to go after them before it’s a huge problem.

Are you building relationships of trust? Take time to look at yourself, your marriage and other relationships in the mirror of these questions.

A TRUST QUESTIONNAIRE

1) Is there more unity, understanding, and love in your marriage now than there has ever been?

2) Do you both do what you promise in the time that you have promised?

3) Are you attentive to what your spouse sees as important?

4) Do you make excuses for failures to do what you’ve promised, or are you ready to confess?

5) Do you listen well to your spouse and act on what you’ve heard?

6) Do you follow through with mutually agreed-upon plans?

7) Do you work together on planning and scheduling priorities, or do you demand that the other do it your way?

8) Do you share with your spouse your thoughts, desires, hopes, dreams, and concerns, or is it easier for you to be quiet or to share with someone else?

9) Is there any evidence that you’ve withdrawn from the other in protective distance?

10) Would your spouse say that you’re good for your word and faithful to your promises?

11) Do you carry wrongs around with you, or do you trust one another to confront and confess?

12) Do you ever wonder what the other is doing when not with you?

13) Are you conscious of editing your words and withholding your feelings because you can’t trust your spouse to deal with them properly?

14) Is your marriage partner the best friend in your life or has your dream of this kind of companionship evaporated?

15) Is your sexual relationship mutually satisfying, or is it hard for you to give yourself physically to your spouse?

16) Do you say things to other people about your spouse that you’ve not communicated to him or her?

17) Do you look forward to sharing times together, and when you have these times are they peaceful and enjoyable?

18) Are there problems between you that remain unsolved because you don’t have the bond of trust necessary to work together on a solution?

19) Are you comfortable with the vulnerability that a good marriage involves?

20) Do you ever wonder if you made a mistake in marrying the person who is your spouse?

21) Do you ever fear that you’re being manipulated or taken advantage of in any way?

22) Do you ever wonder if your spouse cares for him- or herself more than for you?

So, look over your answers. What do you think? Is trust solid in your marriage? Is it growing in your other relationships? As you commit yourself to build a sturdy bond of trust, remember you don’t do that work alone or in your own strength. The One, who defines what trust is and does, is with you and offers you every grace you need to build relationships that picture his grace and point to his glory.

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This is post #20 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Turning Down The Heat

Posted on October 19, 2011 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: ipintegration.com

This is Lisa Graf’s (Mom Blog) and my 3rd collaborative post on Wedded Bliss Wednesdays. Lisa’s part is in purple and my part is in red. We pray you will find encouragement to help you turn down the heat when it is rising!

A marriage is a 24/7/365 kind of relationship. Unfortunately, disagreements are inevitable. So here are the ways Lisa & I would encourage you to tackle your disagreements with your spouse. 

First of all, the best piece of advice I took away from some much needed marriage counseling about 3 years into my marriage; never ever use the word YOU when in a heated discussion with your spouse. I think of Matthew 7:1-5. We often are quick to point out the faults and planks in our spouse and much slower to accept responsibility of our own shortcomings. Discussing an issue with your spouse will be far less heated if you a) take responsibility for your part of whatever happened or your role in the decision that needs to be made b) you do not put your spouse into defensive mode c) think a little longer/more before speaking. 

Having children not only opened a new chapter in my husband’s and my life; it also opened a whole new can of worms. Many of our heated discussions have taken, take, and will probably continue to take place over parenting issue. The quicker you come to terms with it being ‘ok’ that your spouse doesn’t parent the same exact way you do, the less heated your discussions will become. It’s not as though your 6 month old will turn 16 on his/her next birthday; but the sooner you and your spouse flesh out expectations for various parenting situations (when your child gets a cell phone, when they can date, when they can get their temps, when they can get a car, when they can go on a sleep over…) the better. It’s of the utmost importance to form a strong parenting team ready to tackle parenting situations if you don’t want your children to come between you & your spouse. It’s also extremely important to be proactive on the parenting front, foreseeing possible issues so you can avoid reactive parenting. 

Photo Credit: askville.amazon.com

I am the kind of person who will pick up 1,039 socks off the floor without saying a word, but when I spot the 1040th sock, I flip my lid and it’s usually compounded to the 1,039th degree! Although, this is the most difficult challenge in my marriage; I find that discussions are far less heated when I take time and communicate through possible issues before they become an issue. It’s also important to go straight to your spouse when you have an issue. I took a Resolving Conflicts class at my church and learned the Biblical approach to resolving conflicts, which was extremely helpful in all areas of life. Matthew 18:15 directs us to confront whoever has offended/sinned against us directly. Going to your mom, dad, best girl friend, random person you meet at a park, your inlaws, anyone other than your spouse; is detrimental to your relationship. Not only do you dishonor your spouse, you taint others’ relationship with your spouse. So when you find sock #1, go to your spouse, explain that you would greatly appreciate it if they could place the sock in the proper place because it’s important to you and then leave it at that. Don’t harp, nag, get emotional, or do anything irrational. Trust that your spouse respects you and what’s important to you and leave it at that. Remember to be full of grace, mercy & understanding, too! 🙂 

I want to refer you to a post we wrote a couple of months ago on this very topic. It was from our Proverbs series – chapter 14 to be exact.  The most important thing to realize about conflict resolution in marriage is that it is plain hard work. This is the part of our wedding vows where we said “for worse and for poorer.” This is where we prove that the promise we made on our wedding day was something we meant, and that it’s a promise we have vowed to keep – forever.

To read our part – CLICK HERE!

Stay tuned as next week Debi & I will tackle turning UP the heat, and we are not talking about the discussion kind of heat, either!

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This is post #19 in the Ultimate Blogging Challenge to post everyday in October.


Posted in Christian Marriage, communication, Conflict, Growing Strong Marriages, Guest Post, Wives | Tagged , , , , , | 5 Comments

Just A Phone Call

Posted on October 18, 2011 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: e-phonenumbers.com

This morning I was on my cell phone talking with my daughter who lives in Atlanta. My home phone rang, and the caller I.D. said it was my Mom. I told Tracy to hold on for a minute so I could answer the call.

I was meeting my Mom for lunch, so I didn’t think it would take too long. While I was sharing the time and location for lunch with my Mom I heard Tracy on my cell talking really loud. I assumed she was talking to her children in the backseat who were probably disobeying. Then, I noticed she hung up, which I also assumed was because I was taking too long with my Mom.

I was wrong with both assumptions.

There was a really bad car accident which took place right in front of her mini van. A guy speeding – ran the red light and t-boned another car of a lady in her mid 50’s. Tracy screamed as she saw it happen, pulled over and ran to see if the driver of the speeding truck was ok. Obviously, he wasn’t for he was pummeled out of his truck on impact. When Tracy got to him, he was conscious but in really bad shape – I’ll spare you the details.

Fortunately, there were many other witnesses to the accident, so Tracy was able to get back to her van and two-year old Bradley who was obviously quite upset.

I share this with you as a reminder of how quickly our lives can change. The accident could have easily involved my daughter and grandson. Our phone conversation could have been our last. But it wasn’t. By God’s grace we have been given another day, another chance to make a difference in our lives and the lives of those God places in our path.

We have another day to love our spouse more fervently, more selflessly, and to make the most of every opportunity we have together.

We are all just a phone call away from our lives changing forever. By God’s grace we know we would have the strength to walk through any and all circumstances when they come. But tonight I’m sleeping a little more soundly knowing God protected my dear daughter and grandson today.

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This is post #18 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Difficulty | Tagged , , , , , , , | 30 Comments

Mark Your Calendar

Posted on October 17, 2011 by Debi Walter

We have been posting fun dates to celebrate for awhile now, and we’re wondering if any of you have chosen one of these dates and made it special in some way. We would love to hear what you’ve done – you may inspire others to take a closer look at this week’s dates worth celebrating and plan something out-of-the-ordinary. Let’s hear it in the comment section!

♥ Fun Dates To Celebrate ♥

October 17

  • Wear Something Gaudy Day – We heard of a couple once who dressed this way and went out to a theme park and had a blast acting “weird.”

October 19

  • Evaluate Your Life Day – When was the last time you thought about how things are going in your life, in your marriage? Plan some time to talk about it together. Maybe a precursor to the annual New Year’s Resolution.

October 21

  • National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day – Head to your local Cheesecake Factory, or if you don’t have one nearby – try baking one as a surprise for your spouse.

October 22

  • Make A Difference Day – Do something today that will make a difference in your marriage. Try doing something your spouse has wanted you to do for a long time without them saying a word. See if it makes a difference when they notice.

October 23

  • Mother-In-Law Day – Go out of your way to make the mother of your spouse feel special today. Call them, text them or simply send them a card. After all if it wasn’t for her you wouldn’t be married to your sweet spouse.

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♥ Things To Do In Orlando ♥

CENTRAL

  • Thornton Park – 3rd Thursday Art Walk on October 20th from 6p. – 9p. FREE
  • College Park Jazz Fest – Saturday, October 22nd from 6p – 10:30p. Bring your lawn chairs and picnic dinner and enjoy great music along Edgewater Drive. Cost is $5 donation.
  • Loch Haven Park – Veg Fest 2011 will take place on Saturday, October 22nd from 10a. – 6p. FREE.
  • Winter Park – Music at the Casa Open House on Sunday, October 23rd from 12p – 3p.  FREE. Featuring the live music of Peter Thatcher on Jazz Guitar.

NORTH

  • Mt. Dora – 27th Annual Craft Fair on Saturday and Sunday, October 22nd – 23rd. Hours are 9a. – 5p. FREE.

EAST

  • New Smyrna Beach – It’s the time of year to start reserving a firering for your own bonfire on the beach. Fires are permitted in the firerings only and can be reserved ahead of time starting October 15th. Firerings are available for use from November to April (non-turtle nesting months.)
  • Deland – Jazz Fest on Saturday, October 22nd from 1p – 7p. General Admission tickets are $10 each.

WEST

  • Celebration, FL – Art and Wine Stroll will take place on Saturday, October 22nd. Bring your lawn chairs to sit and enjoy the music after you’ve finished enjoying the artist’s as they create their art before your eyes.

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This is post #17 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Date Night Ideas, Dating Your Spouse, Fun Dates, Mark Your Calendars (time sensitive) | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Sharing Musts For A Healthy Marriage 3

Posted on October 16, 2011 by Tom Walter

Photo Credit: Watchmojo.com

When we were kids one lesson our parents always tried to instill in us was a willingness to share. We had to share toys, bedrooms, TV programs and playmates.  And we didn’t like it, usually. The sharing musts we’re talking about shouldn’t invoke a selfish response like that of a child. Instead, a couple who truly desires to grow their marriage in a way that glorifies God should be happy to share all things with their spouse. Let this list inspire you to continue sharing everything with each other.

Here are the previous Sharing Musts we’ve shared so far:

Vacations and Dreams

A Bed and Burdens

Our next sharing must is:

Passwords

In this day and age of electronics – cell phones, computers, laptops, ipads, ipods and on-line banking, there is a password for everything. What if something were to happen to you tomorrow? Would your spouse know how to access important accounts? They should be able to, and it’s up to you to make time to go over this information.

But there is another reason to share passwords. Debi and I were talking about this tonight, in fact. For Debi to know my passwords will not guarantee I am trustworthy. If I wanted to hide something behind her back, I could, and she wouldn’t know it. Those who have something to hide can usually figure a way to keep their spouses from finding out. However, if I am easily tempted, but I don’t want to be – sharing all my password information with her helps me battle this temptation. Knowing she has access to everything helps me resist it.

Are you willing to share your passwords with your spouse? If you hesitate in any way, this is all the more reason you should. Even if we are able to deceive our spouse, God is present in every thought we think and with everything we place before our eyes. Be aware that it isn’t your spouse you are hurting the most, but God – the One who willingly sent His Son to die for your sin. I encourage you to repent and open this area up to your spouse. Let there be no secrets! It isn’t easy to be honest about everything, if there are things you’ve been hiding, but God will help you to repent and come clean.

Our Bodies

A healthy marriage is one where the husband and wife willingly share their bodies with each other. There is no holding back when it comes to making love. There are times when Debi or I am too tired after a difficult day. There is a willingness to express intimacy together, but also an understanding of how the other is feeling. To demand sex when one spouse is feeling worn out isn’t love, but selfishness. But on the other hand, to continually deny your spouse sex when you are the only one who can love them in this way, is also wrong. There must be a balance to sharing our bodies. Let love – true love be what guides you.

There are times when we’ve thought we were too tired for sex, yet when we gave in to the other’s desire found a fresh energy to make love together. This is how God helps us in our weakness. Our job is to check our attitudes, motives and heart. If we are honest and open about our struggle with God and with our spouse, then this will become an area that you can work on together, not fight with each other over time and time again. Do you withhold sex for any reason? Do you use it to manipulate or punish? This is going completely against the Scripture which says:

“3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” – 1 Cor. 7

There are those who would take this Scripture and use it in an abusive way. We are not talking about this. We are talking about loving your spouse in an understanding way. If you do not share the same sexual desire, then you must be understanding. Is this kind of love easy? No. But it is possible. God will help you to love your spouse in a way you would never be able to on your own.


Remember the vows you made on your wedding day? We witnessed some tonight, and they are always full of hope for the future. The promises made when the candles are lit and the love songs are playing seem impossible to ignore. Who would want to?

Fast forward to a day when you’ve been mistreated at work or you’ve endured a day full of sick children. Sex is the last thing on your mind, yet these are the moments when you can choose to love your spouse in the way Christ has loved us – He willingly laid down His life for us.

This is a high call to love. Our bodies are not our own – they belong to our spouse. And our passwords are not our own. We share everything if we are truly one flesh.

In what ways are you tempted to hold back? How could your spouse help you change?

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This is post #16 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Sexual Intimacy, The Gospel & Marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Happy Hour

Posted on October 14, 2011 by Tom and Debi

It’s time for our “specials of the week.” And there are many to choose from – enjoy!

Couple Things Blog

Encourage Your Spouse

  • H.E.L.P – Do you or your spouse suffer with depression? This post is the testimony of a husband who is married to a wife battling this struggle.
  • Are You “In Love?” – a great post with a great analogy using Coke bottles.

Journey To Surrender

  • Surrendered Marriage – Embracing Mystery – the first of a sure-to-be-great series on examining the tension of truths found in marriage. You’ll have to read it for yourself to see what Scott has planned for this excellent series. And he invites your input!

Marriage Gems

  • 4 Tips To Boost Libido – A quick read that may just help you in unexpected ways. If you or your spouse are struggling with a desire for intimacy, then check out these 4 tips and see if you can’t do something about it!

Marriage Life

  • Be A Failure – Do you think of failure as a positive? It can be – check out this post and see what they mean.

Marriage Missions International

  • Marathon Arguing – Are you one who likes to get in the “last word?” You may be causing more harm than you know.

One Flesh Marriage

  • The 5 Senses of Sex – written by Kate for the wives.  This well written post is chocked full of great ideas you may not have considered in seducing your husband.
  • Seduce Your Wife In 5 Senses – written by Brad for the husbands. Simply a great post full of easy ideas to help you romance your wife more effectively.

The Generous Husband

The Generous Wife

  • Rehearse Your Responses – a great tip to help you grow out of the same old conflict. Try it and see if it doesn’t work!
  • How Well Do You Know Your Sweetie – read it and see if you could do the same? Also check out the great question links – the best way to get to know your spouse better.

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This is post #15 in The Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Blog Love, Happy Hour | Comments Off on Happy Hour

A Fragrant Aroma – New Friends

Posted on October 14, 2011 by Debi Walter

When was the last time you made new friends? There is something invigorating about meeting with a new couple, sharing your story, hearing theirs and genuinely talking and listening from the heart.

We had such an opportunity last weekend.

Meet Scott and Jenni Means with the Journey To Surrender blog:

While we were in Atlanta we contacted Scott and Jenni to see if they would be available to meet with us for dinner. They gladly accepted. The place? Maggiano’s The time? 7p.

We arrived a little past 7 due to traffic. As we stood at the Maitre D’s station waiting to tell them we were meeting someone, our eyes perused the guests at tables. It was strange only having the above photograph to go by. A woman waved from a nearby table and we waved back, only to realize she was waving at the elderly gentleman standing next to us.

Awkward.

We continued to wait wondering where in the world the Maitre D had wandered off to. Finally he came back and took us to their table, which btw was right next to the lady’s table who had waved at us.  🙂

Why do I tell you this part of the story? Because it was a bit uncomfortable planning to meet someone whom we’ve never met. However, from the moment we sat at the table the awkwardness was gone. The conversations began with how did the Lord lead you to start Journey to Surrender. Their answer was much like ours – we simply sensed God leading us to do it, and we have been surprised by the whole process.

The biggest surprise was to discover Jenni Means is good friends with friends we have in Charlotte – the Browns. We marveled at our stories and how similar they are. They’re passion for strong marriages mirrors our own. Their passion for the local church and its comparative relationship to the marriage covenant is the same as ours. Their love for romance through all seasons of marriage is inspiring. Scott is quite the romantic. Jenni began telling us the many (and we mean MANY) ways Scott has romanced his bride. Here are a few:

  • Giving her a whole bag of Hershey kisses that he individually unwrapped, wrote his own message on the little white strip, and then re-wrapped each one.
  • Buying her little gifts that mean a lot to her.
  • Taking her away on surprise getaways.

I wish I could remember all she shared. We encouraged her to begin writing out all he has done through their decades of marriage. There are many husbands who could learn practical and easy ways to bless their wives in meaningful ways as a result.

The smile on Jenni’s face was evidence of the love her husband has for her. To be with them is to be inspired to grow your marriage all the more.

If you haven’t made it to their blog before, please take the time to visit them. You will discover a great couple whose marriage is worth emulating. Here is their mission statement:

The Journey to Surrender is about exploring, discovering and attaining the fullest potential in Christian marriage. It is an exciting expedition available to every Christian couple willing to travel the biblical path of God’s design for marriage, a path filled with fiery passion, unmatched intimacy and joyous freedom.

Having our hearts awakened to the love relationship that Jesus has with us as His bride, I believe, is the key to a vibrant, passionate and intimate relationship between husband and wife.

Although they don’t have a FaceBook page yet (hint-hint), they are on Twitter where you can follow their tweets: @MarriageJourney

You can also read what they had to say about our evening here.

NOTE: For those of you who know me well, you will understand what an amazing time we had with this couple when I tell you – I didn’t think to pull out my camera once the entire night! I couldn’t believe it! This is why the only pictures I have to share with you are from their blog.

Have you met any new friends lately? Was it awkward? Was it inspiring? We would love to hear about it!

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This is post #14 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in A Fragrant Aroma, A Marriage Flight, Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, resources | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Water Into Wine – Proverbs 21

Posted on October 13, 2011 by Debi Walter

Having recently spent a week in the desert of Arizona, it is no wonder this verse jumped off the page to me as I read this chapter.

I can not imagine why anyone would choose to live in a desert, yet thousands of people find it not only tolerable, but enjoyable. They have acclimated themselves to the arid, dusty climate, and actually choose to live there.

It makes me wonder how many wives have grown comfortable with arguing with their husbands.  To argue doesn’t necessarily mean a constant state of yelling and bickering aloud. Arguments can dwell quietly in our hearts manifesting themselves only in our thoughts and attitudes towards our husband.

In our post yesterday, Lisa Graf offered a the perfect description of this silent argument:

Huffs, puffs, eye rolls, or hands on the hips, toe slapping the ground.

These thoughts often begin with fretful thoughts which lead us to disagreements, which are sometime only played out in our mind. Our husband may not be aware of our issues, only our anger and disapproval.

Ladies, if we’re allowing ourselves to think of our husbands in this way – it is wrong. We must repent of our arrogance and contentious thoughts. God has joined us with our husband to come alongside and support him, love him, respect him and honor him. Does this mean he is perfect and worthy of such a mindset? No, neither are we for that matter, but this command doesn’t come with conditions. It is God we trust to help us do this, and it is God we trust to lead, convict and draw our husband to change in areas where we may see them lacking.

Consider how Christ has helped us in our lack. He completely provided for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves. He willingly laid down His life for us because He loved us. What if we were to trust God to help us love our husband in this same way. Not embracing his sin, but submitting our concerns to the only One who is able to change his heart. The Bible states our anger will never produce the righteous life that God requires. (James 1:20)

So let’s agree to take our concerns to God in prayer on behalf of our husband for his good and growth in godliness. Treat him as if God has already changed him, and see if your marriage doesn’t become more like a tropical oasis than a dry, desert land.

In what ways have you embraced silent anger towards your husband? Do you believe God can change him or do you feel responsible?

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This is post #13 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October.

Posted in Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, The Gospel & Marriage, Water Into Wine, Weekly Series, Wives | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Advice I Wish I Was Given (And Followed)

Posted on October 12, 2011 by Debi Walter

Photo Credit: nehemiahbaptist.com

This is part 2 of the collaborative posts with Lisa Graf of Mom Blog.  The series is called Wedded Bliss Wednesdays. You’ll find Lisa’s answers in purple and mine are in red. This is a great way to help our readers who are engaged or newlyweds, but if you’ve married for awhile, don’t check out now – we think you’ll be challenged as well. And we want to hear from you in the comments.

“Oh that’ll never be us.” Classic dating/engaged/newlywed line usually followed up within 5 years by a “Oh that is us.” If I could rewind my relationship with my husband I wouldn’t change anything, because I’m sure we wouldn’t be where we are now. However, if I would have mastered/adhered to/believed in a few concepts earlier on, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. Lisa’s Top 3 Pieces of Advice are in Purple & Debi’s Top 3 are in Red. 

First, I would like to share what our marriage preparation was like back in 1979. We were given the book “Act of Marriage,” by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. It was and still is an excellent book. However, I was too embarrassed to read everything in the book. Sad, I know. I was most likely more naive than many women are who get married today, but just in case, I highly recommend face-to-face premarital counseling with another wiser, more seasoned couple. Someone who is familiar with the awkwardness and insecurities of a nineteen year old. If I had had such an opportunity, I might have overcome much of my anxiety about getting married. I was blessed with a husband who not only understood and loved me, but who was willing to walk me through it all. 

1) The D-Word

Nope, not ‘darn’ or any vulgar 4 letter variable. D-i-v-o-r-c-e is a word that should never exit your mouth or better yet never, enter your thoughts. Our society has carried the fast food/instant gratification attitude into parts of life that should never have anything instant. I am not advocating you stay in an unhealthy relationship where you are emotionally, mentally or physically being abused for the sake of staying married. I am saying divorce is a big decision. There are legal ramifications and if a child is involved it’s even more difficult. I think previous to tying the knot the decision should be made to not even view this as an option. Are there going to be major disagreements? Yes. Is your spouse going to hurt you? Yes, but I am 100% sure if s/he truly does love you, the pain is not intentional. Are you going to hurt your spouse? Yes, & I’d definitely hope you never intend to do so. If your relationship is taking a digger, which they all go through difficult points eventually; don’t let your pride get in the way of seeking help. A Christian counselor, a neutral 3rd party mediator, a Pastor, any neutral person who is qualified to provide insight into fixing marital issues. 

1) Communication would have to be my first choice. If you can effectively communicate together, then you have mastered THE most important key to a successful marriage. Talking about sex, finances, roles – you name it – is not the easiest thing to do when you are newly married. I remember the first time I went grocery shopping after our wedding – Tom didn’t have any spices in the house, so I had to stock up. I think the grand total of the bill was $65! But that was triple what Tom normally spent on groceries. He got angry with me, and what did I do? I told him I would never go grocery shopping without him again. Yeah, I could talk all right, but I certainly wasn’t communicating effectively! 

2) Boundaries

I am not talking about which side of the bed you sleep on or where his ‘side’ ends and your ‘side’ begins in the closet. I am talking about where you will spend your holidays, how much you each divulge to your parents & friends, how involved others are in your life compared to your spouses involvement. As I’ve found it seems the principle of opposites attracting definitely holds true when it comes to marriages. Spouses come from very different upbringings & although those differences proved to be initial reasons of attractions, they come back to bite you in the butt, so to write/speak. Be open in communicating when you need to spend time with your spouse and when you feel others encroaching on that. Always keep priorities in check: God, spouse, children, self. 

2) Honesty – this one goes along with communication, but we learned the hard way that there can be dishonest communication. Not helpful at all for a healthy marriage. And it takes both partners owning up to being honest in everything: your past, present and future. If you struggle with sin, which we all do if we’re being honest, then your spouse should know all about it. What are your temptations? When are you most vulnerable to give in to this sin? And how can I help you resist this sin? This should be regular types of communication that goes both ways. For years I was more aware of Tom’s proclivity to sin, than my own. Can you guess what the major sin I was dealing with was? Ding – Ding! PRIDE. I heard someone say recently in regards to a conversation between sisters – one was the so-called “bad girl,” always getting in trouble with their parents. The other sister was the so-called “good girl,” always compliant and never disrespectful to her parents. The “good sister” knew that her sister thought she was perfect. In response she said, “Oh, I’m the biggest sinner for sure! Why? Because you’ll never see my sin. I hide it because the sin I deal with is PRIDE. Your sin seems bigger because we all see it, but in reality you’re in a better place than I’ll ever be, left to myself.” 

Wow! How I wish I had heard such advice at the beginning of our marriage. Pride has been a lifelong battle for me, but Tom wasn’t brought into the war until our 18th year of marriage. How different our early years could have been for Tom and for my children had I been more honest about my heart and my struggle.

3) Expectations

Women are good at these kinds of things. We are inundated with princesses, castles & prince charmings from birth on. So it’s only natural we’d think our husbands should be Prince Charming swooping in to rescue us and everything will be coming up buttercups right? Not so much. It’s funny how Prince Charming quickly turns into the dirty laundry dropping, white spot mirror splattering, messy cooker/eater, who snores, chews & drinks too loud. Living with someone 24/7, managing finances, managing a house makes many opportunities for disagreements. If you expect your spouse to get clothes in a laundry basket, express that desire in a kind way. “You never get your socks in the basket” is probably not going to get you far in that kind of discussion. The more communicating you do about the expectations you have for your spouse the fewer heated discussions might arise. Remember, a marriage is intended to model Christ’s relationship to the church, a very self sacrificing one. Putting your spouses needs above your own is difficult when it gets down to the nitty gritty of life. You both really want to go to an event, but the budget only allows for 1 person to do 1 thing. Who will go? Tough call! But the buck doesn’t stop there! Not only are we called to lay down our selfish desires and put our spouse’s needs above our own, but we are to do it joyfully. In case you need a reminder joyfully typically doesn’t include huffs, puffs, eye rolls, or hands on the hips, toe slapping the ground. 

3) Grace. There is a new book out titled, “Give Them Grace,” by Elyse Fitzpatrick, that encourages parents to train their children from a foundation of Grace. How I wish my marriage had been built on such a foundation. Instead, in my pride, I was judgmental, critical and often quite justified in my mind about my conclusions. I married a humble man. Tom has displayed grace and mercy to me when I didn’t deserve it. How different our early years would have been if my responses to conflict were seasoned with grace, and humility. Yet, God has been faithful to help me in my weakness. He is faithful even when we are not, because He can be no other way. 

In conclusion – this post is packed full of 6 powerful challenges for any couple whether you’re about to be married or have been for decades. Honestly go over this list with your husband and see what his thoughts are about these areas of your marriage. You may find a fresh appreciation for the completely opposite person you married. Tom is strong in areas I am weak. His strength has helped me grow beyond my own ability. This is part of us becoming one flesh. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – we are much better together than we could have ever been alone!

What advice do you wish you had been given before you said, “I do?”

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This is post #12 in the Ultimate Blog Challenge to post everyday in October
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